I just got another voluminous text from a friend without thumbs. I can only imagine the amount of time it takes him to write these!
Hey there. Bart here.
My old pals at the DNR sent out this press release that kinda ticks me off – all about “nuisance” bears. If any particular kind of critter deserves the word “nuisance” in front of their name, it’s NOT the bears. I’d explain just who I’m talking about but you already know I’m right.
The DNR gives us a long list of things that people are NOT supposed to do – things that supposedly encourage “nuisance” bears. I hate lists.
* Do not leave food outdoors from barbeques and picnics, especially overnight; coolers are not bear-proof.
Why do you make more food than you can eat? And yes, we know how to open your coolers! If you ate what we eat in springtime, you’d need something cold to wash it down!
* Replace hummingbird feeders with hanging flower baskets that are also attractive to hummingbirds.
What makes you think I don’t like pretty things? Bears aren’t barbearians!
* Eliminate birdfeeders or hang them 10 feet up and 4 feet out from the nearest trees; use a rope and pulley system to refill them and clean up seeds that spill onto the ground.
Where bears are a nuisance, birdfeeders should be taken down between April 1 and Dec. 1.
This is perverse. You’re punishing birds because I’m fat.
Have you no shame?
* Pick fruit from trees as soon as it’s ripe and collect fallen fruit immediately.
Greedy! Who has time to do this?
* Limit compost piles to grass, leaves and garden clippings; adding lime can reduce smells and help decomposition
Love the lime. And add tequila for a Compost Margarita!
* Clean barbeque grills after each use, and store them in a secure shed or garage away from windows and doors.
I have never seen a human clean a barbecue grill. And believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time in the shadows, watching.
* Elevate bee hives on bear-proof platforms or erect properly designed electric fences.
You’ll get on a ladder with an active beehive? If you’re THAT daring, might as well be sure the electric fence is plugged in before you start to put it up. I’ll definitely watch!
* Do not put out feed for wildlife (e.g., corn, oats, pellets, molasses blocks).
Molasses comes in BLOCKS? WANT!
Here we go with another whole dang summer of you trying to keep me from having fun eating stuff. Just remember – I was not the one who asked you to stay out of the woods, and I definitely did not ask you to come without your food. You’re perfectly welcome to bring it here if you want.
Most of the other stuff they say about keeping your distance from me is true. I’m kind of shy and will go away if you give me the chance. But if you’re coming to visit me, be a good guest. I’d like a hostess gift, please. In fact, Hostess makes great gifts. I love Twinkies! Now they come in Chocolate Creme!
Just as I feared the last time he wrote, Bart has developed a Twinkie habit. Dang! Sometimes we have to protect our friends from the bad things they love. On the other hand, it sure is nice to see their faces light up when you deliver the contraband!
Fill in the blank – “Friends don’t let friends ________.