Beechly Evolves

Congressman Loomis Beechly, who represents Minnesota’s 9th congressional district (all the water surface area in the state), has been forced to communicate with his constituents on a topic he finds uncomfortable.

Congressman Beechly believes in Floater ID

My Dear 9th Districters,

Some have asked, in light of President Obama’s recent evolution on gay marriage, where I stand on the issue. For years now, my position has been crystal clear – I’d rather not talk about it.

My constituents who support marriage rights for everyone have interpreted that policy as a cowardly attempt to dodge the issue. Those who oppose gay marriage, however, have seen my position as an attempt to dodge the issue that is also cowardly.

In this way I have brought together people who agree on very little else! How appropriate for a Congressman who represents only water surface area to be such a bridge builder!

But now radicals on both sides of the issue want to blow my bridge up by forcing me to choose! Fine. So be it.

Most of the living creatures in my district are, as you know, fish. Walleye don’t get married, and don’t seem to want to get married. Frankly, I don’t think they even know who the fathers or mothers are of all the fish they produce – it’s really wanton and free under the lake surface with all the things they do. The spawning environment is just like downtown on a Saturday night – anything that can happen probably will. Some parents guard their offspring. Some just swim away. Some play both mother and father. And although I don’t think I have any living in my district, let me just say you can’t apply any of these Constitutional Marriage Amendments to seahorses. They simply won’t have it. Fish sexual identity is just so variable, I don’t think any one set of rules can apply down there. And by “down there” I mean underwater. AND I also mean “down there.”

People seem to need guidelines that they can use to beat each other with, but I don’t want to alienate my most numerous constituents, even though they can’t vote. So I am going to declare myself to be predominantly aquatic on issues of affectional relationships.

Make of that what you will. Some will say that identifies me as a free thinker. Others will say I am endorsing natural law. But one thing I know – there are fish in the Bible, lots of them. Mostly they’re just being pulled out of the water and eaten by disciples and such, but I assure you that what they’re doing under the surface today they were also doing back then, so my position is kind of scriptural, if you need it to have that sort of connection.

I hope this clears things up enough so that we never have to talk about it again. Fish sex is, after all, something that is at its very best when it’s submerged.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What are your plans for this weekend’s fishing opener?

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87 thoughts on “Beechly Evolves”

  1. Good morning. I don’t do very much fishing so I won’t be one of those who has big plans for celebrating the fish opener by fishing. Of course, in Minnesota, fish opener weekend falls on the same weekend as Mother’s Day and I will be involved in a family Mother’s day gathering.

    Having fish opener and Mother’s Day on the same weekend is no problem for me, but it does seem strange to me that fish opener, which is a big deal for some Minnesotans, comes on the same weekend as Mother’s Day. I would be interested in hearing what Beechly has to say about Mother’s Day falling on the same weekend as Mother’s Day. I suppose he will also try to keep his answer about this under water.

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    1. I used to work with a woman who loved that fishing opener was on Mother’s Day weekend. She loved to fish – so she’s spend the whole day on a boat, her little slice of heaven.

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      1. I’m glad that worked out well for the woman you knew, Anna. She would not want to go fishing with me because I never seem to find a place where the fish are biting. When I was a boy I enjoyed going fishing with my grandfather who always could find a place where we could pull in a lot of fish.

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  2. For the opener this year I will be going to my daughters graduation from the u of m. her fiancé arrives from Kosovo Friday night which means he leaves his mother country in about 8 hours for the trip to the new world and a new life. Graduation will go from 10am until 3 in the afternoon. I was not thinking about the implications of bringing him to the land of 10000 lake with all that stuff going on down there. Maybe i should keep him away from all that spring action until he has had a chance to put it all in perspective. Is it ok to swim in that water? Seems a little risqué to me

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        1. Yes, big, big times, tim, and you also have my best wishes for a grand weekend!

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    1. thanks very much. should be exciting but i had to laugh at scheduling graduation for mothers day. who thinks this stuff up? must be an academician.

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      1. Or someone using a digital calendar that doesn’t show holiday designations (a pet peeve of mine with Apple’s iCalendar) – probably just looking for an open date on the events calendar with other end-of-year events, other graduations for different colleges at the U…and probably someone justified it as “what better present to a mother than to see their kid graduate”…

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  3. Babysitting, but at our house, where our daughter must be so she is close enough to Rochester and close to a Mayo hospital just in case.
    I fail to get the fishing opener weekend. The fishing season lasts endless weeks. Up north, land of destination for many, is often cold and the fishing poor. So why it cannot all be delayed a week and why anyone wants to not wait a bit . . . Humans have a demonstrable herding instinct, for which I do not seem to have the gene.

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  4. I plan to go to the theater on Saturday and have been instructed that I must sleep in on Sunday (Daughter’s orders). I may pull some weeds. Will also get together with my mother and my brother’s family on Sunday. No fish (regardless of the Show Boat admonition that, “fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly…”).

    OT – Happy birthday Ben! Hope it’s a fabulous day.

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    1. Yes, happy birthday, Ben – hope it’s a day without nettles or deer flies.

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    2. thanks for the news flash anna,
      ben ill bet you are getting really old now huh? enjoy the day and the weekend. i will make a morel effort this weekend in your honor. seems like the right time.

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  5. I’m picking up some hours in a florist shop this week. Mostly Mother’s Day orders, but it is also prom season, so we are bracing for the impending wrist-corsage infestation in the coolers. And of course a smattering of birthdays and anniversaries and funerals, as life goes on, or not.

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  6. We are doing yard work and planting as much of the early vegetable garden as we can this weekend. We also have red currant bushes to put in, along with a few strawberries and a few bedding plants. There is no fishing opener in ND since you can fish all year. You just have to renew your license.

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  7. Linda refers to “a smattering of birthdays and anniversaries and funerals, as life goes on, or not.” They seemed so different to me once: death being the opposite of birth. Knowing the starting point of my life, I obsessed about that unknown number . . . the point of termination (or, if the religious folks are right, possibly the point of liftoff to the next plane of existence). Now I see both as tiny points defining a span of years, and what counts is the quality of the years, not the start or finish. What counts is the middle–what we do with it, the most precious gift we can ever have.

    I want to treasure Mother’s Day and the Opener like I want to treasure the days just before and after them. This year I will need to celebrate both by embracing memories, as my mother is gone and so is the opportunity to fish. That will be enough, though.

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  8. Morning–
    May is a celebratory month for us. My wife’s birthday is on the 6th, then my birthday, Wedding anniversary on the 12th, Mothers Day and my Mom’s birthday on the 19th. Throw in a nephew and neice birthday too and Hallmark makes a killing off us.

    Our son finishes college Friday down in Chicago. He’s working on the tech team for commencement on Saturday so he doesn’t have to move out of his dorm until Sunday. And then he leaves Tuesday from Chicago for a mission trip to Mexico. So we’ll be spending a few days in the Windy City. And looking forward too it, dang it! Corn planting be darned!

    Meeting our neighbor this morning so she can wrangle chickens and dogs while we’re gone.

    Enjoy the sunshine while it lasts!

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  9. I’ll start with tonight since that will kick off what is, for me, a flurry of social activity.

    Tonight I go to the “pinning ceremony” (graduation ceremony but only for the nursing program students, not for the whole school) for my oldest daughter.

    Friday morning I will shop at the huge and wonderful Friends School Plant Sale and hope to get everything I need or want for my garden and yard. Friday afternoon: planting or preparing to plant (there are a heck of a lot of weeds in my yard). Friday evening: making a large batch of potato salad for…

    Picnic/graduation party for oldest daughter on Saturday. (I hope to squeeze in a little garden work on Saturday, too)

    Sunday: babysitting granddaughter. Again I hope to put in some gardening work. Sunday evening: call and talk to my friend in Vermont.

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    1. You must be so happy for your daughter and proud of her and glad that she’s finally going to be self-supporting, Edith! The Friends’ School plant sale has grown from almost nothing into a huge enterprise over the years, hasn’t it? A creative approach to fund raising for the school and I love that the kids are involved in every aspect of the event. Enjoy the daughter, the grandbaby and the balmy weather this weekend :-)

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  10. Congressman Beechly’s letter puts me in mind of W.C. Fields’ response when asked if he ever drank water…

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  11. Morning all. I love how Beechly can blather on for several paragraphs and not actually say anything. Amazing talent if you ask me!

    Nothing big planned for the weekend – just a lot of planting and transplanting, digging in the dirt, watering. Maybe dinner out on Saturday as we have a gift certificate to WiseAcres (where Liberty Custard used to be) and we haven’t tried them out yet.

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    1. Let us know how you like Wise Acres, okay? Bill has met the chef/owner through work, but we haven’t been to their new place yet. Tangletown, yes?

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  12. OT – Steve, it looks like teenager and I will be trekking up to Blackhoof on the 27th after all. Never underestimate a teenager’s desire to play with baby goats! But we will be driving separately since we have to get back sooner than the other baboons!

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    1. As I said before, that’s great. It is sometimes more fun to travel in a convoy, although that might involve a little extra trouble to meet up and go together. I’m mellow with whatever you prefer.

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  13. Wonderful piece by Beechley – thanks Dale for a good laugh this morning!

    Happy Daughter’s graduation, tim, etc. Happy Birthday Ben, and son’s graduation, and Happy Anniv. Edith – happy graduation picnic. Boy, a little flurry of graduations!

    Our anniversary is the same day as Ben’s, and we’re going to Winona to celebrate and stay with our “art fair” friends. For me the drive down Hwy. 61, past Red Wing and Lake City, is a major event. As soon as I see the bluffs the magic begins, and by the end of the first evening I’m enchanted with the place again and vow that we will move back there, soon. Then we come home to our life here, and forget all about it until the next time.

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    1. Hate to tell you that if the status is “On Order,” it can stay on order for many months (I know, because I often request items that are on order and can wait a good chunk of a year before it is “active”). But it will come eventually!

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      1. Yes, I’ve experienced this before, but from my perspective “On Order” is better than not on order (I’ve probably suggested “Last Dragonslayer” to the library three or four times now over the past year and a half!

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  14. OT Two posts on my daughter’s fb this morning:
    “Thank You” just doesn’t say enough for what you’ve done for my wife. I’m at a loss for words so …..Thank You Thank You Thank You……………………..
    You have given me the ultimate gift of life. I can’t thank you enough for what you have done. You are my angel.

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    1. Clyde, you must be overflowing with love and pride and relief and tears today. The gift that keeps on giving, yes?

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  15. Husband is joining a few paddle brothers for a weekend in a cabin on the St.Croix. That means I get to do whatever I want! I’ll start off the weekend by going to Farmers’ Market on Saturday morning. I see smoked trout and grilled asparagus on the menu sometime over the weekend. Sandy, my domestic fairy, is here at the moment, so that means I’ll be able to sit in the living room without despairing over how dirty everything is. A freshly picked bouquet of Lilies of Valley has me smiling.

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  16. I flew to Minnesota eons ago for my job interview in the days before the fishing opener and then stayed with friends for the weekend. I returned to my apt in the Bronx and regaled my roomates with stories of academic conferences dominated by, “Do you have your dock in yet?” and “When are you leaving for THE lake?” My hosts even took me to a bait store. All of that made me eager to get the job and move here, so I am as thankful for Fishing Opener as a non angler can be..

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  17. Hello WordPress, have you forgiven me yet?
    The s&h and I will be heading to Lake Elmo on Saturday after fencing class to the Shepherd’s Harvest-goats, sheep, llamas alpacas and dogs keeping everyone in line! This has been my Mother’s Day for as long as we can remember….

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    1. Welcome back! I’m hoping to be at Shepherd’s Harvest too :-) if I can pull things together ahead of time for the family picnic/birthday celebration at our house on Sunday. Somehow I don’t think I’m going to recognize you from your gravatar, though. Have a ball!

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  18. I must say that Dale’s question wasn’t what I expected after LB’s letter…

    My usual leisurely weekend:
    Tonight “live” movie-theater broadcast of This American Life” – I’m going to the Eagan theater.
    Fri night: My Fair Lady at Bloomington Civic Theater
    Sat morn: dress rehearsal of Rutter’s Gloria for church choir
    Sat eve: hosting my Movie Group – showing “Charade” if Netflix does a punctual turnaround
    Sun Morn: “performances” of Rutter Gloria
    Sun Aft: Mothers’ Day time with #2 son – May Day parade?
    Sun night (10:00pm): help clean up with friend who is catering meal for May Day parade workers
    Sun night/Mon morning – CRASH

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    1. I sometimes wish I was in a choir, just so I could sing John Rutter. Will content myself with listening to others sing his compositions. I’m sure your singing will be lovely!

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        1. Andy Griffith. He was really quite the actor. And storyteller / comedian. It’s fun to find him in old movies or listen to him telling stories.

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    1. This takes me way back, Barbara :-) One of the first records Bill played for me in his purple painted apartment above Savran’s bookstore in 1969. He could bake bread, too. And play the jug. I think that’s what closed the deal.

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        1. In the 60′s the slogan for their TV ads was; “There’s always room for Jell-O.” The younger baboons may not remember, and you may have missed it, PJ, by living on the wrong continent.

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        2. Ohhhh. “Jello”. :-) I’m always out of it, too, with references to the 50′s and 60′s TV and ads, draw a total blank because of course I wasn’t in the neighborhood. 45 years later and I still feel like an outsider so often. It’s funny, you live elsewhere in the world and look different and naturally are an outsider. You come to the States, look like you belong and yet you’re still out of the loop because you weren’t there. I should be used to it by now.

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