Miffed Cats Devour Blogger

New Brighton, MN – July 10, 2012

In yet another startling example of the threat to personal health and safety posed by careless posting of half-baked opinion and so-called “humor” on the internet, a Minnesota blogger was devoured by a group of angry house cats early Tuesday morning.

Dale Connelly, author of the not-as-popular-as-he-thinks “Trail Baboon” blog, published an entry on Monday that included some disparaging remarks about felines. The entry in the six-days-a-week blog revolved around an earlier story that appeared in mainstream media regarding research that indicates over-exposure to cat litter could lead some people (but especially Danish women), to attempt suicide.

Connelly mocked the research by treating it as a serious threat in the voice of an invented, safety-obsessed character, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At one point in his under-researched, overlong, 500 word plus screed, Connelly said:

” … some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction.”

This was apparently the final insult for local cats, many of whom are notably unimpressed by wordy, obtuse attempts at humor. Witnesses say literally hundreds of quietly purring death-dealers gathered at the Connelly house and ambushed the 56 year old community radio news director as he was dragging his family’s garbage to the curb in the early darkness.

Trash haulers, notably a hardy bunch, were being treated for shock and despair after finding smeared remains of the lifelong government-subsidy addict spread casually around the front yard of his New Brighton home.

Blog readers wondered throughout the day what might have happened to Connelly, who is notoriously reliable in posting his unremarkable thoughts at roughly 6 am Monday through Saturday. Online concern about Connelly’s fate turned to alarm, shock, grief, acceptance and finally, disinterest by late afternoon.

“So much of what he wrote was tongue-in-cheek,” said one reader. “Little did he guess the last tongue to taste his cheek would have the texture of sandpaper.”

If you suddenly disappeared, who would complain, and why?  

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39 thoughts on “Miffed Cats Devour Blogger”

  1. Is my Mac acting up again or are there really no comments responding to your question today???? Might I be the first and the last?? Wow – if so, I really do feel like the only fur person lover on the forum. For all it’s worth, I’m sorry that your harmless story yesterday brought down the reign of feline lovers’ fury! I’m not nearly as clever, intelligent or imaginative as others who write on Baboon, so I’m not even sure that today’s Dale entry is to be taken literally or in jest.

    I will share that cat-haters have spewed their venom at me over the years, though. I once had a sweet kitty shot by a neighbor. The police couldn’t roust up the perpetrator, so I submitted an eloquent letter to the editor of our local newspaper. What came back was enraged folks quoting bird deaths due to “irresponsible cat owners” and generally lambasting the whole species! I even received a note in my post box from the perp saying that he’d do it again given the opportunity.

    I was so naive. I actually believed that, although some people dislike cats, no one would wish them all dead. I was wrong. So, if this late-day story by Dale is a pun or a silly way to get people to interact, I apologize as I tend toward taking most things literally.

    Am I really the only one posting today????

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    1. Long story, Crystalbay. But the short version is that this is a late-afternoon make-good on a day when my computer settings were set wrong and the scheduled post didn’t go up as planned. I usually write my blog the day before it appears because I have to go to work early, early in the morning. I often don’t check back until late afternoon.
      Today I found that Monday’s post was still sitting there, beginning to smell a bit.
      There were notes of concern in the comments, so I took that and ran with it.
      I don’t really think house cats would eat me. They’re far too fussy.
      And although I am canine-affiliated, many cats have graced the Connelly family and my father still tends to three of them today!
      I like cats. I really, really do!

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  2. I met one of those cats today – a 17+ pound orange male who lives in Sauk Rapids. He was not amused when his vet told him he was overweight. But how did he get that way, I wonder?

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  3. Too bad that Dale was so late to heed the wise advice of BSOR especially the well thought out prohibition on catnip aftershave.

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  4. Were I to disappear, there would be many who would notice and complain, since I do too much for them and they would have to fend for themselves and they wouldn’t like it. . The cats and dog would wonder where their human hot water bottle went. The fish would get overfed. Clothes would be shrunk in the wash, There would be no homemade jam and jelly. Someone would have to figure out exactly how I made the pesto sauce, tomato sauce, lasagna, French bread, and Indan breads and curries the way I do, and where to find recipes for the foods they love, since I seem to be the only one who remembers where they can be found. Buttons would not get sewn on, and seams would not get patched. Dusting would not occur. I could go on and on.

    Listing all these things is making me somewhat steamed, and I think I am going to give everybody a piece of my mind for not doing more (only they have to do the things I do for them just the way I do them or I would have to step in and take over). There seems to be a problem here. I do far too much for everybody. I have no one to blame but myself for this state of affairs.

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  5. My mother – who would she call to ask where she might have put the triple antibiotic cream?

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  6. I picture Hundreds of cats, thousands of cats, Millions and billions and trillions of cats coming for Dale but not as sweet and benign as Wanda Gág’s population.
    Welcome back from the dismembered, Dale. Your blog is too as-popular-as-you-think!

    #2 son would certainly notice if I were gone. He counts on time-with-mom and a free meal every weekend. It meas that I will never have peace with my ultimate leaving.

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    1. As I recall, Wanda Gág’s cats were not so sweet and benign – with the exception of the last one standing.

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  7. The 500 cats of Bartholomew Connelly.
    At this point in my life I would taker a long time for my absence to be noted, unless my daughter wanted babysitting, except for my wife, who would miss me quickly.

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  8. Dale, you are a riot! I really wasn’t concerned about you until Clyde planted the worry seed late in the day, but then I started conjuring up what could have happened to you. I have to admit, cats didn’t figure prominently in my version of your demise.

    I’m not sure that anyone would complain if I were to suddenly disappear. Husband would certainly notice, but that’s not the same thing as complain. Like Renee, I think that any complaints he might have if I were to disappear would center around food.

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  9. A few years ago, I’m sure I would have been missed a lot if I had had a sudden demise – or at least all the things I did for people would have been missed. I imagine the outcry would be “Where’s supper? Where are the groceries? Where are the clean clothes? Why has the yard gone from looking like a flower garden to a total weed patch?” and so on. Now that I’m doing less for others (and even – gasp – making some people do things like laundry for themselves!), I’m not sure what sort of outcry there would be. I think the cat would miss me. I know I would miss any baboons that went missing – including our Lead Baboon. Thanks for the laugh today, Dale.

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      1. According to some people, I am still in prison…I occasionally get time out for good behavior – hence, I got to go to PJ’s for the gardening day in April, and have made it to the Downton Abbey discussion at Steve’s, and two book club meetings. They did draw the line at the chain saw party at Steve’s, however – I couldn’t get the day out for that, I wonder why?

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        1. Well, good behavior only gets you so far, Edith. Personally I’ve pretty much given up on the notion that it going to get me anywhere.

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  10. Dale, laugh out loud funny! Yes, you were missed! How can I lurk if there is no corner to peek around? If there is no light in the street? If the shades are all closed?

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    1. I think that Dale may be trying to cover for BSOR who has, possibly, gone underground to avoid feline wrath.

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  11. My boss has told me he will quit and move to Florida if I leave (sometimes he is more dramatic about it and there is talk of roof tops and such), so he’d miss me – it’s one of those “I know too much” situations, I fear. The dog’s belly would go un-rubbed. And given Daughter’s performance this weekend, she would never get to sleep if I were gone too long…oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth that would occur if there weren’t Mama bedtime reading, Mama hugs, and other Mama-related routines. Though frankly I am most often furniture, sherpa and She Who Fixes Everything, like all mothers (it came as a bit of a shock to her pre-school self when Mama Could Not Fix the Inflatable Purple Monkey…her little walls came crashing in – until she got over it, about the time I was able to fix whatever broke next).

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