New Brighton, MN – July 10, 2012
In yet another startling example of the threat to personal health and safety posed by careless posting of half-baked opinion and so-called “humor” on the internet, a Minnesota blogger was devoured by a group of angry house cats early Tuesday morning.
Dale Connelly, author of the not-as-popular-as-he-thinks “Trail Baboon” blog, published an entry on Monday that included some disparaging remarks about felines. The entry in the six-days-a-week blog revolved around an earlier story that appeared in mainstream media regarding research that indicates over-exposure to cat litter could lead some people (but especially Danish women), to attempt suicide.
Connelly mocked the research by treating it as a serious threat in the voice of an invented, safety-obsessed character, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.
At one point in his under-researched, overlong, 500 word plus screed, Connelly said:
” … some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction.”
This was apparently the final insult for local cats, many of whom are notably unimpressed by wordy, obtuse attempts at humor. Witnesses say literally hundreds of quietly purring death-dealers gathered at the Connelly house and ambushed the 56 year old community radio news director as he was dragging his family’s garbage to the curb in the early darkness.
Trash haulers, notably a hardy bunch, were being treated for shock and despair after finding smeared remains of the lifelong government-subsidy addict spread casually around the front yard of his New Brighton home.
Blog readers wondered throughout the day what might have happened to Connelly, who is notoriously reliable in posting his unremarkable thoughts at roughly 6 am Monday through Saturday. Online concern about Connelly’s fate turned to alarm, shock, grief, acceptance and finally, disinterest by late afternoon.
“So much of what he wrote was tongue-in-cheek,” said one reader. “Little did he guess the last tongue to taste his cheek would have the texture of sandpaper.”
If you suddenly disappeared, who would complain, and why?