Second Banana

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas -

  • Extra Large Size
  • Super Durable Peel
  • Awe Inspiring Majesty
  • Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages -

  • A Little Bit Woody
  • Counter Space Hogs
  • Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
  • Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?

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53 thoughts on “Second Banana”

  1. Good morning. Well, I don’t think I am qualified to run for Vice President, but I guess the need to be qualified has not stopped others from running. All I have to do is claim to be qualified and be good at lying. Actually being good a lying may be the top thing needed to run. I would choose the Green Party if they wanted me and I wanted to give it a try, but they probably actually want a qualified person.

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    1. You are so modest, Jim. One of the past Vice Presidents characterized the job as being “not worth a warm bucket of piss.” On almost any possible measure, you are over-qualified to be a VP.

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        1. ill bet fdr had other people at the time to chat with and vp garner felt a little hurt that his own view of his high self esteem was shared by few others that mattered. he was a texas conservative who was against everything fdr was for which caused fdr to dump him for his 3rd run. his life was a bucket of warm piss as it turns out

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      1. I seem to recall it was “warm spit”, but the sentiment is the same in either case. Hubert Humphrey said something like, “The President has one hundred eighty million bosses. I have one hundred eighty million and one.”

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  2. summertime and the livin is easy
    730 and jim is the baboon of record. lazy days and summer vacations.
    the efforts of dy larry kyle have been great over the years but nne greater than the sequoia banana. i think this is great. a little woody what the heck get your fiber form a banana too i always say. maybe those peels could be used as canoe skins. i think that yellow color and the facy that they are good until 2299 has real merit. i am wondering if i need an attachment for my chainsaw or if my blender will survive. a smoothy with sap and wood is a green marketeers dream. jim could run the green party platform around what the world need now is a second banana in every chainsaw case. never mind wall street get back to basics.

    if i were running as v.p. i would choose obama because i would have a hard time with mitt understanding what he thought they told him to say. he seems to be easily confused. its like someone switched the polo ponies and mitt cant figure it out. i dont think i could assist in demanding an apology for repeating statements i made earlier and publishing business records that show stuff i wont reveal on past tax returns. i think mitt needs a strong and dynamic figure to run the campaign and send it off to the nations heartstrings. pawlenty could host the next star search where the nation looks for unknowns to feel good about and in rememberance of the original second banana ed mcmahon who will long be remembered for chuckleing at johnny jokes and selling alpo.
    with obama i could discuss things like world problems, hunger, the haves and have nots the inequities created by the rove team to benifit the 1%, the failure of education, the abuse of the elderly, the failure of america to help countries in the midst of political, economic and enviormental death spirals whiel we spend billions on tv commercials focusing on negative ilk because it works.

    if i were to be able to go back in time i would like to have been around for jfk’s administration, not like lbj’s team (poor hhh) what a bunch of sour puss politicians he was stuck with. ill bet lincoln would have been fun to hang with, he had some killer views and ways to look atht eworld and there wernt any tea party funded campaign groups to twist it all into sick lies.

    i heard em say pawlenty was a front runner because you have to find someone who doesnt make romney look boring. there are other politicians out there but when you stand them next to mitt, he starts looking like a popsicle stick with lips. pawlenty makes him appear normal and a little superior which is hard to do. i think the other choice could be darrin form bewitched. he and timmy have always reminded me of each other. doesnt pawlenty giving a speech remind you of darrin pitching a ad to larry tate in the conference room before they go to meet the client. larry is the karl rove of the show telling darrin what not to say and patting the client on the back telling him darrin will keep working on it.
    sounds a bit like mitt too….

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    1. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, tim, you’re amazing. How the heck do you come up with “wondering if i need an attachment for my chainsaw or if my blender will survive”? Love how your thoughts jump around like a jackrabbit in heat.

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        1. Donna, can’t say that I know. It’s just that the jackrabbits that I have seen, always seemed to be on the move, here, there, and everywhere. I’m just imagining that they are particularly frantic when in heat. Who knows? Maybe not?

          Donna, we’re questionable for this weekend. Something has come up at husband’s work. Won’t know for sure till Thursday. So sorry. Was really looking forward to this.

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    2. I like “he starts looking like a popsicle stick with lips”… not that far off.

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  3. I would probably do best as Mitt’s running mate, since I have no head for politics or campaigning, and I would probably be a liability and cause him to lose. That would be a good thing.

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  4. Okay, tim. I guess you won’t be on the ticket as a Vice President candidate this year. How about 2016? Someone could use a “can do” guy like you as a running mate. Is there anyone else who could organized that chainsaw party and then found a way to bring down that big branch?

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    1. Another reason I couldn’t run is that you will always found errors in my messages.

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      1. J honest errors are acceptable. Cheating, lying, scamming, profiteering—those should be the stoppers.

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  5. As long as we are shape shifting, I’d choose to be a sequoia.

    I do not like attending meetings. I work on developing patience but believe that I’d be a loose cannon fielding questions during interviews. Biden would be left in the dust, forgotten after one press conference with me at the mike. Hard to tell which would prevent me from being 2nd banana to any president, my distaste for the role or my behavior in the role. I’d be carted off in short order.

    I have a good imagination but can’t get past the image of me in handcuffs and shackles being led off to be branded as a subversive, bleeding-heart, treasonous traitor. I have to catch the bus now and hope that no one recognizes that for a little while, I imagined myself as a pretender to a throne, even, if only the 2nd banana throne.

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    1. I was wondering how long it would be before that songs would show up here. Hadn’t quite anticipated this particular version. All the better, made me smile. Thanks, Holly.

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    2. Wonderful! If you watch to the end, I do believe those bananas look like what Dr. Kyle is talking about.

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    3. How about Harry for Vice President? He was a big supporter of civil rights and was a close friend of Martin Luther King.

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    4. Holly, Thanks for prompting me to spend the evening with clips from the Muppets. WE can’t skip this one…

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  6. Younger baboons have missed the joy of living under Vice President Spiro Agnew, Nixon’s first VP and one of our most colorful VPs. One of Spiro’s gifts was the ability to read venomous criticism of Democrats written by White House speechwriters Bill Safire and Pat Buchanan. That gave us such phrases as “nattering nabobs of negativism” and “hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.” Agnew caught Nixon’s eye by signing legislation that made it legal to discriminate against minorities in rental housing. Nixon grew to hate him but kept him on the ticket for the second run because “no assassin in his right mind would kill me” because that would elevate Spiro to the presidency. Agnew was entertaining to the last, being the first VP to be forced to resign in ignomy (having been convicted of of accepting bribes) and was later officially labeled “morally obtuse” by the state of Maryland. He lies now under a grave marker that doesn’t mention his political career, being the next best thing to an unmarked grave. I miss him.

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  7. I’m with Renee – could do the most good for all by being totally inept with Mitt. I was just going to say that I could probably not do worse than Palin, but actually I could.

    I was probably a VP somewhere along the line, though – maybe El Granada Residents Assn. back when we were trying to keep this lovely little coastal community from being Developed by the big outfits… If so, it wasn’t a memorable experience.

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    1. i got a kick over the weekend of a news anchor who said the only person to see romneys earlier tax returns was john mccain and he chose sarah palin

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    2. I just had a very strange thought-What if Sarah P. is really a socialist, but is just pretending to be what she is, and does the things she does to make the Republicans and right-wingers look bad, and her goal during the last election was to make sure Obama got elected?

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      1. Now there’s a thought! On second thought, I think the heat is getting to you Renee. Go inside, put an ice bag on your head, and don’t sign anything till this passes.

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  8. Since this is all fantasy, can I be VP to Maya Angelou? Maybe we could get Aretha Franklin or Sharon Jones to be our press secretary. My other fantasy ticket would be VP to Kermit the Frog – think of the environmental work he could get done…otherwise if I have to choose a real politician, I might go for a ticket with Keith Ellison. I don’t agree with each and every position he takes, but he has a strong social justice streak, and I like that a lot. Added bonus: he can speak in grammatically correct sentences.

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    1. colons are just showing off; gramamatically correct sentences are the are slicker than snot on a door knob though.

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      1. My colon was a show off today for its first scope ever. Clean as a bell and clear as a whistle. The cleanse beforehand was no bed of roses. More like a projectile poo palace.
        Could this be used as a metaphor for the VP I wonder?

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  9. Spiro Agnew also sprung into my mind, so thank you Steve, for describing his contributions to history!!
    I feel that I am unworthy to be VP, so I respectfully decline the honor. I am also uninterested. It would be hard work, from my perspective, because I would hate it. On the other hand, I don’t think anyone would find anything in my tax returns to complain about.

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    1. Vicky, if the quote that Steve posted about the the Vice Presidency “not being worth a warm bucket of piss” is right, I guess you and just about any one is worthy.

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  10. Guy goes to the doctor with a banana stuck in his ear. Says “Doc, I feel terrible – what’s wrong with me?” Doctor says, “Well, you’re not eating right.”

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