Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly. He represents all the water surface area in the state.
I wanted to be the first to tell you that it does not look like Mitt Romney will choose me to be his running mate in the 2012 Presidential contest. Many of you have supposed otherwise, and I’ll take that as a compliment because the alternative is simply too discouraging.
It was close, though. At least I think it was.
Although I haven’t been contacted by vetters from the campaign, I gained some legitimacy from the condition of my Wikipedia page – it’s entirely non-existent. One way to tell if a person is about to be chosen to run as vice-president is to see if their Wikipedia page has been updated recently to remove any embarrassing details just before the choice is announced. That set off a flurry of wiki-checking for the major contenders – Pawlenty, Portman, Jindal, etc. All their pages were being watched. But when I discovered that I don’t have a page on Wikipedia, I instantly became a front runner (in my mind). After all, my selection could remain a secret up to the very last moment – especially to me! That kind of organic discretion is a huge plus.
My positions on the issues also made me a likely choice, because I’m omni-political. I like a good argument, and if I REALLY like yours, I’ll just adopt it! Just like Mitt, I’ve felt a bunch of different ways about lots of things.
Also, geographical diversity gave me an edge. Mitt Romney is from Utah, a very dry state (in spite of the Great Salt Lake). I, on the other hand, represent all the water surface area in Minnesota – a perfect compliment for a presidential candidate who comes from the dusty desert. He’s dry as dirt. I’m wet as a catfish. Put us together and we make up an essential political element – just right for slinging at the opponent. And mud is also a time tested building block.
Romney-Beechly also has a good ring to it – really nice! And it’s an anagram for “Bye Melon, He Cry!” That would put us in tight with the California Honeydews – a major source of campaign funding.
But I continue to fail to appear on short OR long lists for the Vice Presidency, and my national profile is razor-thin. I’m beginning to feel a bit sad for what might have been.
But don’t get me wrong – I’m not crushed. For one thing, I’ve suspected for some time that I might be a Democrat.
Some days I feel kinda Red, and others I’m a little Blue.
It would be tough to commit to just one hue!
And now, as a non-vice presidential candidate, I won’t have to!
Once they’re on the job, Vice Presidents don’t have much of an opportunity to go in for poetry. Or fishing.
But I believe I’m off the hook. Hallelujah!
Name a job you were happy to NOT get.