Today’s post comes via text message from Bart the Bear, a wildlife-Minnesotan who found a smart phone in the woods.
Yo, Bart here.
So this summer I set up this alert-thing on the phone to buzz me whenever a bear shows up in the news. Being one, I just wanted to know how things are going for us. “Are you better off now than you were four years ago …” you know. That kind of thing.
But then a few weeks ago the alert starts pinging all the time. I couldn’t sleep, and it kinda worried me that bears were getting into so much trouble.
Then I figured out that it was the start of the football season and everything I was getting notified for had to do with the “Chicago Bears”. Not really too interesting to me, although whenever they show up there seems to be lots of food around. That would be nice, to be one of the bears that makes people get out large bowls of chips.
So then I figured out how to tell the phone to alert me ONLY when a story has both the words “bear” and “tranquilized” in it.
That made all the difference, and I started hearing only about bears going out of their way to get into places where people get freaked out by anything big and hairy. And we seem to do a lot of that.
Like this one. It seems a baby bear got into this house in Arizona and ate the cake and a whole bunch of sweet stuff. The only thing missing was the porridge!
But instead of getting a nice bed to sleep in, this youngster got a tranquilizer dart and a hard floor.
That old “Three Bears” story pushes the idea that baby bears are hard to please. But I’ve known baby bears and I even was a baby bear once, and I can tell you for sure that baby bears are NOT PICKY. One thing about them though – baby bears KNOW that they are cute. Cute AND scary, which means baby bears are irresistible to humans, because those are your two favorite qualities no matter what form they come in.
Just a word of advice – if you find yourself looking at a baby bear and it is not in a zoo, you have looked too long and it is time to leave the area. Even if that area is your own bedroom, because you just don’t know were mama is at. As a friendly bear, I give you this advice to head off an ugly scene. And as a former baby bear, I suggest that as you leave the house, you should prop open the refrigerator door.
That’s just hospitality, and good manners.
Name a food you’d break into someone’s house to eat.