I found a soggy note plastered to my windshield of as I was preparing to leave work the other day. A residue of sea salt still marks the spot where I peeled it off the glass. It’s from the widely feared pirate and international man of mystery, Captain Billy – rogue skipper of the ghost ship Muskellunge.
This here notice is to call attention t’ th’ fact that October 12 is Columbus Day in the USA, or was, at one point, before it was changed t’ be th’ second Monday in October or some such nonsense.
But now payin’ respects t’ Columbus ain’t politically correct, so not much is said about him an’ hardly nobody gets the day off ‘cept fer longshoremen an’ postal workers. What wi’ labor unions an’ th’ very idea of government under assault from various angles, it won’t be long b’fore all recognition of Columbus Day is but a memory.
Not that me an’ the boys cares all that much about Columbus!
Aye, 1492 was a golden age for them what sought fame an’ riches on the high seas! Columbus wound up with both, I reckon. But now that his misdeeds have gained some ground on his legend, an’ bein’ a professional opportunist, of sorts, I’s of a mind t’ politely suggest that perhaps th’ American people needs a new role model of th’ salty waves t’ celebrate!
I hearby offers me’self as such a figure.
So if’n any municipalities is under pressure t’ tear down their Columbus statues, may I politely suggest that a much cheaper way t’ go would be t’ weld on an eye patch an’ a peg leg t’ th’ offendin’ figure, an’ change th’ name below from “Christopher Columbus” t’ “Capt’ Billy”.
I understands th’ Columbus statue in New York City is perfectly set up right now fer such a tidy make-over, what with a cozy room havin’ been built around it.
So why not head off any current or future criticism by re-purposin’ this here statue as a generic tribute t’ the seafarin’ explorer an’ man of adventure? Since I ain’t never had my photograph taken, I reckon no one will quibble wi’ th’ quality of th’ likeness.
An if any Italian patriots has a issue with th’ idea, I invites them t’ track us down! Me an’ th’ boys is always prepared t’ welcome company, th’ more hostile, th’ better. But don’t ferget to bring yer riches!
Yer seafarin’ pal,
Capt. Billy (an’ the crew of the Muskellunge)
Personally, I would be in favor if this change if Columbus Circle could be re-christened the “Billy Go-Round”.
What is your favorite piece of pubic art?