Category Archives: Congressman Beechly

Speechless!

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m delighted to be your Congressman and I hope you still like me too, even though I’ve had no major announcements and nothing of importance to say for the past year or so.

We politicians can Tmake news with our strategic use of words, but sometimes I think it’s a sign of deep wisdom to say nothing at all.

That’s why I have to admire Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who is in London, England this week trying to limit the discussion of world events to a single topic – cheese.

To me, the Walker visit to Downton Abbey-land is a portrait in courage.  Not only do they have those accents that make you feel like a dummy, the British carry with them lots of intimidating history and literature that can make a guy from the American midwest feel inadequate.    

Plus, it’s not easy to be in politics here in the age of the internet and instant analysis. As soon as you finish speaking a word, it has already gone around the world twice and is coming up to bite you in the behind.

Silence is strategic. If anything, Governor Walker has already said too much by refusing to say whether or not he believes in evolution.

I’m beginning to think the ideal President for the United States would be a mime.

A mime couldn’t stir up political controversy by using the wrong words, and a mime’s gestures are all subject to interpretation and are eminently spinnable. In struggling to define what they think his shrug over the situation in the Ukraine really meant, analysts would do more damage to themselves than they would to the mime-in-chief.

And when the brickbats really start to fly, he could quickly situate himself behind an impervious pane of glass. Mimes have that power! Which is not to say President Marceau would be untouchable, because all presidents eventually lose their popularity.

The sad truth is that people already kind of hate mimes.  So for any of them, being President would be a promotion, reputation-wise.

I know 2016 is still a long way off, but I’m keeping my ear to the ground for the sound of a promising-but-soft footfall from someone who is willing to toss their beret (real or imagined) into the ring!

Quietly,
Your Congressman
Loomis Beechly

When is it best to say nothing at all?

I’m Not Saying

Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m not about to say “I told you so”, but there are a lot of people here in Washington DC who are a bit red-faced today about the latest news that the planet broke its all time heat record in 2014.

Some of those faces are red with anger, and others … well, it’s been hot. What do you expect? I’m not saying I fully understand the meaning of this short video from NOAA, but if I was still a teenager and this world map was my face, I’d be alarmed at the blotchy mess it has become. I thought this was supposed to go away as you get older!

I’m not saying we’re incapable of dealing with this problem in a meaningful way, and I’m not naming any names, but I can pretty much assure you that the people who did nothing to address climate change before this latest news can be counted on to keep doing nothing well into the foreseeable future.

That means it’s up to the rest of us.

Now, I’m not about to try to take advantage of this calamity to promote Minnesota tourism, but I do want to remind you that Minnesota is far from all the coasts and we do have lots of nice cool lakes. I’m not saying that Minnesota will be the only safe and/or comfortable place to be when things get harsh everywhere else, and although it pretty much makes that case without saying a word, I’m not trying to draw your attention to the widely published map that clearly indicates we were in one of the world’s rare cool (meaning “normal”) zones last year.

CLIMATE

Why the American Midwest looks so comfortable while all the other parts of the world appear to be sweltering (except out in the middle of some oceans and in Central Africa, where they’re fighting wars right now) is something I’m definitely not saying. But the only reason I’m not saying any of these things is that I know people will get mad at me if I do. Biting my tongue is a real test for me, mostly because it moves so much and my teeth are so tiny. But part of being a politician is knowing when to speak up, and when to be disingenuous.

Your (cool) Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What makes you bite your tongue?

Unruffled & Unhurried

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Holiday Greetings, Constituents!

I’m delighted to send you this message from our nation’s capital, Washington, D.C.! While it’s true most of my colleagues in the Senate are fuming about the one or two Senators whose tactics are
making it impossible for everyone else to go home, I’m free as a bird to go wherever I please because the House has adjourned.

But still I remain here. Why am I not back in my district pressing the flesh?

If you know anything about the 9th District, you know that now is not the time of year to press your flesh against anything. We try as hard as we can to keep from touching any other object, because air is a great insulator when it’s standing still!

But I do sympathize with the Senators. It’s frustrating to be held up by people who insist on going slow. You see it on our highways and you see it in the grocery store when old folks looking at all the different varieties of grape jelly park their carts in the middle of the aisle and ponder the possibilities. Perhaps they are imagining all the different types of toast that exist in our bountiful world,  and what each one will look like slathered in purple goo!

There is a characteristic of people from the 9th District that makes us especially well suited to public life – we are fishing people and fishing is all about patience. I was born waiting for a gigantic walleye to strike, and I’m still waiting.

The legislators who are pushing Senators Cruz and Coburn to hurry things up are not people with an angler’s mindset, clearly!

What’s the rush? Christmas is still more than a week away!  And while we all love our families,  my nearest and dearest have spent months getting psychologically ready to have me at home through the beginning of the New Year.

In the first few days after I return from Congress I have been told I am not fun to be around because I have a tendency to make long-winded speeches about everything, including what’s for dinner and the state of the laundry.  Yes, it’s a habit.

So I have been told to stay here until the Senate adjourns even though I don’t have to, as a way to let some of the pomposity drain away before I get home.

I am more than happy to do that, but I am not sure where to find the valve that lets the pomposity out. Maybe it was something evolution already removed?

Just in case there is no biological release, and to be sure I’m ready to return when the time comes, I have been ambling around Washington, visiting our beautiful monuments, and quietly lecturing the marble statues of our ancestors about my view of the Way Things Are.

Unsurprisingly, they are dumbstruck.

At any rate, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Jolly Kwanzaa to you all. May you be blessed with relatives who know what is required to make you tolerable!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What makes you tolerable?  

 

Shoreline Property

Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th district Congressman  Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, constituents!

What wonderful news from the surface of Mars – that the Curiosity rover has discovered evidence that the planet went through an extended period when it  was very wet, and Gale Crater was a large lake.

That makes Mars very much like Minnesota, notwithstanding the  uninhabitable bleakness of its current configuration.

You decide which one I was referring to right there.  Hard to do?  You bet!   Mars and Minnesota – separated at birth!

That’s why I intend to introduce a bill in Congress to make Gale Crater our first off-planet sister state!  Is Congress even the place to do that?  I have no idea – it’s never been done before!

We have so much in common, including a history of splashing streams and bubbling rivulets leading into large, round bodies of water boasting pristine shorelines and magnificent views.

And I’m sure as Curiosity continues its explorations it will find the same things we expect to uncover on the bottom of all Minnesota lakes – lots of fishing tackle,  boots, and beer cans.

Mark my words – the amazing discovery that will cinch it is bound to be something like a hat.     Why?  Because all the elements are there.

  1. Standing Water means there was a shoreline.
  2. A shoreline means there was shallow water.
  3. Shallow water means sunlight warming the soil, which leads to life.
  4. Life leads to boats, and docks.
  5. Where there is light and boats and life, there will be floating around on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and napping.
  6. Where there is prolonged exposure to the sun on water, there will be hats.
  7. Where there is napping and hats and wind, there will be hats overboard.

That’s just science.  I’m serious.  Curiosity should be scanning the bottom of Gale Crater for hats.  And when we find the first one, I want it to already be a law that Minnesota and Mars are sisters!

Get ready – the family is about to become larger!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What have you lost in the lake?

Vote, Rinse, Repeat.

Today’s post is actually a partial re-posting of Congressman Loomis Beechly’s glorious 2012 Election Day address, which catapulted him into the slightly brighter spotlight of extremely localized acclaim.

I’m repeating it because Congressman Beechly often repeats himself, except when he’s saying something so completely off the wall and unexpected you have to wonder about his sanity.

The address is historic primarily because it drew an all-time Trail Baboon high water mark of 141 comments – mostly the result of Baboons using the response section to hang out and do “live blog” commentary with each other about the returns as they came in.

Here’s how it looked:

Screen Shot 2014-11-02 at 9.50.26 AM

I try not to tell you what to do, but if you think reviving that plan is an appealing idea, act like a free American and follow your heart.

Here’s the Congressman’s post: 

Greetings, Valued Constituents and Miscellaneous Voters,

My apologies for this message directed at a mass audience on what is a day of personal choice. I want to urge you … YOU, specifically … to go to the polls and vote your conscience today, even if you don’t have much of a conscience to begin with.

We must all make the best of whatever meager resources we’re given.

But whatever you do, don’t do nothing! Those who have tossed away their franchise in an expression of political ennui are the most heartbreaking and miserable of creatures. Why? They have squandered their most valuable possession, and will have no right to complain for the next two years.

Think about that. Two years without complaining? I don’t know anyone who can live that way!

And don’t be like Hamlet, who was an undecided voter right up to the end because he couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than two seconds.

Don’t believe me? Who could forget his famous Polling Place soliloquy?

To vote, or not to vote. I’m still an equestrian!
The weather is colder than a frozen scupper
that wheels barrows of contagious portions
and gendarmes against a tree of bubbles.
And through composting, befriends them.
or by proposing, spend them: a guy, asleep
No more; and not a peep, of our lost weekend!
The smart fakes, and the cow’s unnatural socks.
They flash that hairdo! ‘Tis a constipation
without to be wished. a guy’d die to sleep,
and sleep, purchase a Dream; Sigh. There’s the tub!

I wish I understood Shakespeare. That was mostly gibberish to me, pretty much in the same way politics is nonsense to a lot of ordinary people. But not understanding what is going on doesn’t keep me from seeing a Shakespeare play every now and then. So go out and vote, even if it leaves you feeling like poor Hamlet – like you need to climb into the tub and wash it off at the end.

Sincerely,
Your Congressmen
Loomis Beechly.

That’s pretty much how I remember Beechly’s address from two years ago, but edited, enhanced, and with the highlights polished up a bit – much in the same way candidates refine a stump speech to get a response from their loyalists.

It’s a technique that works great for most politicians right up to the moment the speech becomes stale and tired and the exhausted candidates get bored. At which point we place half of them in office to continue on the same cycle for several years.

What does Election Day mean to you?

Negative Energy

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents,

With the midterm election now less than two weeks away, I just made the startling discovery that I don’t actually have an opponent this time.  The adversary I thought I was facing is a guy who left me a terse note at a bait shop in Leech Lake three months ago saying he was going to make me wriggle like a nightcrawler on the Hook of Truth.

When you hold public office, people say stuff like that to you all the time, so I wasn’t too troubled about being pierced but I took it as a signal to get busy with fundraising.

I have a talent for sizing people up, even over the phone!  Within a few words’ worth of conversation I can accurately name a person’s political persuasion and at lest two hot button issues.   It turns out there are a whole lot of rich people in America who are looking to reward any high official who happens to vote exactly the way they feel at the moment!

And they all live on lakes!

So I managed to collect a decent pile of money and then I realized there was no viable opposition because the Hook of Truth  guy was only good at turning phrases and could not come up with the filing fee.  He isn’t on the ballot after all.

But I know my funders gave me that money so I could mock and disparage someone, and I’m determined not to let them down!  All I had to do was find a person or entity who I could say was unequivocally in the wrong.

That’s when Lockheed stepped forward with a declaration that they have solved the elusive problem of creating massive amounts of energy with a compact device using cold fusion!

And then some other smarties stepped forward to say there’s no way they could have done that!

I don’t understand what any of them are talking about, but it’s not a difficult choice for me – I’m going with the skeptics.

Here’s the script for my first ad:

Music:
A heartbreakingly sad violin plays something classical and brainy.
Image:
A small boy rubs his sleeve on a frosted window to make a peephole, then looks out at the night sky.
Narrator:
Jimmy has dreams about tomorrow.
Image:
We see the boy from outside, his small face pressed against the glass. Camera pans up to see starts twinkling overhead.
Narrator:
He sees spaceships flying to Mars just like airplanes fly coast to coast today.
Image:
Flickering 50’s movies style aliens and spacecraft fill the screen.
Narrator:
Jimmy’s dreams are a harmless fantasy. But Lockheed Martin says his wish is coming true. They claim to have made an advance in cold fusion – something that could, if true, provide power for deep space exploration.
Image:
A woman puts her hand on Jimmy’s shoulder – It’s his mother. She lovingly invites him to go to the piano where we can see sheet music haphazardly stuffed into a little carrying case by the bench.
Narrator:
And for this, Jimmy is neglecting his piano studies. For this, he won’t be in his school orchestra. And for this, he won’t play in a terrible rock band when he hits his ’20’s – a rite of passage, bypassed.
Image:
Jimmy’s face re-appears in the frosted window, except this time it’s a sad, old Jimmy face. His life has been wasted.
Narrator:
Because Lockheed Martin got his hopes up, Jimmy wasted a promising life waiting for compact cold fusion to become a reality. That’s not his fault. It was always just about to happen.
Image:
Jimmy’s tombstone, with engravings that indicate he lived a long, unproductive life, and with a tiny zooming spaceship carved into the granite over his name.
Narrator:
Lockheed Martin’s Cold Fusion Dream: Wrong for Jimmy. Wrong for America.
Beechly:
I’m Congressman Loomis Beechly and I approve this message because I had to use the money against SOMETHING most people don’t understand.

 

I think that’s a great ad, and I’m only a little bit sorry I had to use it against a fine, rich company like Lockheed Martin. I would have much rather used it to attack some other, smaller, less-well-off person, but I just don’t have any opposition this year!

Maybe next year, somebody with deep pockets will fund an opponent for me, so I can really have a good time!

Politically Yours,
Congressman Loomis Beechly

What makes you Go Negative?

The SlitherBot Threat is Real!

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents,

With the mid-term election less than one month away I have been looking in vain for an issue that will give me enough traction to wriggle back into office.

Many of my House colleagues are going nuts over Ebola, Immigration, Benghazi and Obama Care with varying results. Some high-minded politicians have tried to make a big deal out of Net Neutrality, and in the process have put their constituents to sleep.

I decided I wanted to go my own route and have been trying a few things on for size.

Most recently I decried President Obama’s admission that he didn’t have a strategy against ISIS. That critical angle really started to work for me and people were even sending money to endorse my assertion that the president should have started word-bombing Syria immediately, but when he began bomb-bombing instead, the contributions just fizzled out.

An earlier attempt to generate some genuine outrage fell flat when people simply refused to care that legions of robots are being programmed to cooperate.

I thought it would generate waves of concern among the populace that our beloved Congressmen could someday be replaced by machines that will compromise their personal needs in favor of getting things done. I guess I overestimated people’s fondness for partisan bickering. I really thought it was popular!

Now I’m second-guessing that, but I’m still pretty sure there’s a strong anti-robot feeling out there. I’d still like to exploit that fear, if possible. The key was to find something people hate as much (or more) than robots.

Fortunately, I just discovered something so alarming I think you’ll agree that Congress should pass a law restricting it as soon as possible – Robot Snakes!

Apparently some scientists (thank God they continue to tickle our worst fears with their outrageous experiements) developed a robot snake that will slither up a sand dune like a sidewinder. Through careful research they learned that sidewinders flatten their bodies out to get a better purchase on an unstable surface. Ugh!

Don’t get me wrong, this is probably useful knowledge that will benefit mankind somehow in the future, but for now I feel I’ve been gifted with the extremely sinister image of a robot snake with an eerily flattened body speedily writhing its way towards you (and your children!) across an otherwise peaceful and secure beach.

This must never be allowed to happen!

My opponent, and everyone else in Congress and the nation, have been silent on the looming SlitherBot threat! But if I am re-elected to represent the 9th District, I promise I will introduce legislation to prohibit the release of autonomous sidewinder robot snakes into the wild! Especially near bodies of water, which, as you know, is primarily what you’ll find in my district.

My critics will say no one anywhere is on record with a plan to do this, but as far as I’m concerned, that means the planning must be happening in secret, which is even more dastardly! Why go underground with it unless your aims are nefarious?

OMG. Could there be Underground SlitherBots?

Respectfully,
Your only anti-cyber-snake candidate,
Loomis Beechly

What election issue has your attention?