Today’s post comes from Dr.Larry Kyle, founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.
In every life there comes a moment when you are struck by an uncomfortable truth about the work you’ve been doing.
For some, this moment came just yesterday when I realized I will never receive credit for accomplishing my mission – to develop genetically modified foods through unsupervised experimentation and then to release those foods into a trusting world!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
This came to me in a rush when I read an article that claimed a new mushroom species had been discovered in London grocery store.
Researchers testing dried porcini mushrooms found that three out of the fifteen pieces in the bag matched no known DNA profile!
This proved shocking to everyone because in most grocery stores people assume that someone, somewhere,knows what they are buying.
And if the grocery store operator had been aware that he was selling a previously unheard of and utterly unique product, he would have doubled the price. Obviously.
At Genway, the strange situation described above is our everyday reality. When walking up and down the aisles to peruse products like Genway’s Cobrabanana, our Fresh Living Toast, our Screaming Pumpkins, our Brussels Sprites, or our Snapping Peas, customers EXPECT to find fruits, vegetables and even animals that are well off the map of known science!
When I saw the mushroom story I instantly recognized these interlopers as stray samples of Genway’s Mock Mushrooms – fungal edibles interlaced with DNA from some of nature’s great mimicry artists – chameleons, mocking birds, the mimic octopus, the false cobra, and the Four-Eyed Butterfly Fish.
Our Mock Mushrooms grow from the ground up in a pre-dried state, and can be added to any mushroom dish when you come up just a little short of enough fungi to complete the recipe. Inherently aware of their surroundings, Genway’s Mock Mushrooms will instantly impersonate many varieties, including shiitake, frondosa, morel, chanterelle and the impossibly old and wrinkly-looking Calvin!
That last one isn’t a kind of mushroom – it’s your Uncle from Eden Prairie!
In the case of the London fungal surprise, someone must have purchased our Mock Mushrooms and then accidentally released them, perhaps during a picnic in the woods. They infiltrated a stand of existing fungi and eventually found their way into another grocery store on the other side of the globe.
I’m so proud! My glorious pretties have been released into an unsuspecting world!
But I will never get the credit I am due, unless formal charges are filed and international agricultural authorities have the power to extradite!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Yours in science and subversion,
Dr. Larry Kyle
Do you get sufficient credit for the work you do?