Category Archives: Genway

Genway_Coffee

The Evolution of Coffee

Sometimes, the latest news has a way of confirming emerging trends and verifying possibilities we imagined long ago. So it is with this week’s news that scientists have plotted the coffee genome and brought us another step closer to a supermarket beverage aisle that features a vast array of genetically tailored coffees.

This section of our show is brought to you by Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered food.

This weekend, be sure to check out Genway’s special price on it’s finest coffee, Sumatran Rush.

Dr. Kyle and the gene grocers of Genway have found a way to boost the jolt that you normally get from coffee by re-thinking caffeine and it’s reason for being there in the first place.

Caffeine is useful for overcoming sleep deprivation by giving you that “awake” look that’s so useful when you’re trying to make an impression.

But for a lot of people, just appearing awake isn’t enough. They want to be awake, be alert, and be in a heightened state of readiness for whatever may come their way, whether it’s an important meeting, a difficult procedure, a big game, a fun evening or a tough day with the kids …

… that’s why the beans that make Genway’s Sumatran Rush are enhanced with ADRENALINE!

DrKyle

You thought caffine was addictive? Get a load of this!

Thanks to special methods used by Genway technicians for frightening laboratory rats, we are able to harvest key secretions and splice those genetic instructions directly into coffee plants. The result? Sumatran Rush is a drink that will immediately put your whole body on RED ALERT!

The beans actually glisten with a distilled ADRENALINE that will have your eyes open wide, your nose twitching, and every hair on your body standing at attention, as if you were about to be stuck with a needle by a creature much larger than yourself for a purpose you didn’t fully understand.

Adrenaline! It’s a completely natural way to focus all your senses for full participation in class, standing up for yourself in that crucial morning meeting, getting into the mood for an evening of dancing, or should you simply need to lift up a car or jump over a house.

Adrenaline is miraculous! There was a time when you had to make every drop yourself, but now it’s in the coffee!

And be sure to ask about our flavored versions, such as vanilla, almond, mocha and FEAR. If you haven’t tasted them all, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Pick up some Sumatran Rush … At Genway, the supermarket for genetically altered foods.

What do you like in your coffee?

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The Extra Long Cobra Banana - Delicious Hot or Coiled

Science Fare

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

DrKyle

Vindication is mine!

Anyone who knows my work at Genway understands that I have been a misunderstood and lonely pioneer. Scientifically I have blazed unthinkable pathways in the genetic manipulation of plants and animals. And ethically I have set a new standard for non-regulated, devil-may-care experimentation. Have I done things that were questionable? Yes. Ill advised? Of course!

There was a time when people called me mad. MAD, I say! And THEY said it too! They said LOTS of things.

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

When I developed fresh-as-life toast that lived in a terrarium they said I should be investigated.
When I invented the Genway Screaming Halloween Pumpkin, they said I should be prosecuted.
When I used terrier DNA to create barking tulips, they said I should be stopped!

But they couldn’t lay a hand on me because I had no University affiliation and took no money from the government. I financed my work with proceeds from product sales at Genway, and through urgent contributions from neighbors and acquaintances who wanted only one thing from me – that I stay far away from their homes and their families.

Yes, some other researchers called it “vanity science”, and even extortion. But I knew if I waited long enough the rest of the scientific community would eventually come around. And now they have, because I see there is a major article in the New York Times that claims Billionaires With Big Ideas Are Privatizing American Science!

“For better or worse,” said Steven A. Edwards, a policy analyst at the American Association for the Advancement of Science, “the practice of science in the 21st century is becoming shaped less by national priorities or by peer-review groups and more by the particular preferences of individuals with huge amounts of money.”

Yes! Now the most groundbreaking science will be done by those who are best at separating rich people from their fortunes! Whim based research will shape a tomorrow that you won’t recognize and no one can predict. How quickly the Brave New World I dreamt of has become a reality!

The Extra Long Cobra Banana - Delicious Hot or Coiled
The Extra Long Cobra Banana – Delicious Hot or Coiled

Why let government chart a course when the future really belongs to guys who have the twisted curiosity to wonder what might happen if you combined a banana with a King Cobra, and the fat bankroll to find out?

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

And in case you didn’t read it with the right amount of spirit, yes – that’s a maniacal laugh!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Kyle

What sort of research would YOU pay for?

Don’t Look For The Label

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle of Genway, the supermarket that specializes in genetically engineered foods.

I’m very disappointed in Connecticut.

It’s a nice, wealthy eastern state that’s full of educated people, so why don’t they show more creativity when it comes to addressing concerns about Genetically Modified foods? The state legislature just passed a bill that, when certain conditions are met, will require GM foods to carry a label identifying them as such.

A label?

Labels are boring. The only reason to insist on labels is because you have Absolutely No Idea what gene manipulation can do! If I were passing laws to control Laboratory Based Manipulation Of Our Diet, I would make useful rules. I would require all food finaglers to Do Something Inventive that would make it Obvious we are Dealing with A Product That Did Not Originate in the Natural World!

They're Delicious Hot or Coiled
Delicious Hot or Coiled

Like the Genway COBRAnana!

Our COBRAnana is a tightly wound nutrient-rich package coiled and waiting to strike you numb with its tasty goodness. Yes, it senses your presence and although it does nothing to outwardly indicate that it knows you are near, when you least expect it you will find yourself with a face full of high-potassium fruitiness!

And yes, it carries a label, but slapping a tiny sticker on the produce is for cowards. You don’t need something like that to let people know they are about to eat A Banana That Springs From The Mind of Man!

I’m surprised that I have to say it here in the Land of Innovation, but this is what the Connecticut law should require. Not labels or the participation of neighboring states.

Creativity!

Dr. Kyle has a point – if you can’t use genetic manipulation to make your produce look instantly recognizable to even the most casual shopper, then what good is it?

What is distinctive about your style?

Make Mine Pine

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the company founder and produce manager at Genway – a supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I’m delighted that scientists who have more time on their hands than I do were finally able to sequence the entire super-lengthy genome for the Norway Spruce.

I tried to do it a time or two, but the Norway Spruce DNA string was so long I lost interest before I got to the end, rather like reading Moby Dick.

There was a lot of repetition in the genome too. I guess that’s what used to pass for great writing.

It’s odd, because Norway Spruce might be my closest personality match in the world of trees. They can be so prickly! They’re also sappy and messy, just like I am. And of course we both smell great and people want to snuggle up near us and hang things off of us every December. That’s why I’ve always wanted to do something coniferous at Genway! And now that I can get at all the genetic inner workings and mess around, my mind is reeling!

Of course everyone else will use this wealth of new information to try to make a perfectly shaped and completely durable Christmas Tree. Ho hum! I’m much more interested in the subtle manipulations.

For example, by incorporating simple Idaho tuber DNA into a cocktail with the genetic code for creating pine needles, I can clearly envision a house in the woods surrounded by trees that shed the raw materials for making ultra-thin potato sticks. So what if dropping spud-needles get caught in the gutters? Spray the roof with oil and set it on fire! Those first responders deserve to arrive at a blaze one time that i also a tasty, crunchy treat – just remind them to bring the salt cannon!

And what about doing something with those Norway Spruce seed pods? Imagine how a nine year old’s head would explode if you told him Ice Cream Cones really DO grow on trees! Now THERE’S a Christmas gift!

There are non-grocery applications too! Those pine-shaped hang-from-the-mirror car deodorizers have never smelled like an evergreen to me. But now that we know the proper DNA sequence, we can fundamentally spruce up everything! The dashboard. The mirror itself. Even YOU could have a naturally coniferous personal scent! What would it be worth to you to be as perpetually fresh as mountain air?

And what about sports applications? I’m sure there are a number of NFL receivers who would like a genetic upgrade to have their football-dropping palms naturally ooze an ultra sticky sap.

Yes, I’m delighted that the secrets of this complicated tree, the Norway Spruce, have finally been unlocked. Look for a sudden surge of Evergreen products at Genway including Evergreen Grapes and Evergreen Gravy.

Yes, green gravy! Why? Because we can!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Larry Kyle.

I think Dr. Kyle’s enthusiasm is premature. I’m not sure that knowing anything about the Norway Spruce gene sequence will help us much in the long run. But if it makes him happy, what’s the harm?

Tell us a story involving you and a conifer.

Food Quest

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, produce manager and founder of Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

DrKyle

I love it when people are passionate about their foods, and no group is more passionate than those who get all wound up about genetically modified (GM) products. Every day at the store I’m buttonholed by people who have become irate about what they see (and don’t see) on the shelves. And one of the sharpest and most frequent complaints has to do with labeling – sometimes there is simply no way to tell if a food has been altered in the lab.

At Genway I stand by my promise – everything we sell has been tweaked, massaged, improved, and in some cases completely overhauled as part of a continuing process of unsupervised experimentation. You are our guinea pigs.

And in fact, if you visit the meat counter today, you’ll find choice cuts from Genway’s Giant Guinea Pigs (GGGP) are on special! These succulent animals are the result of a DNA cocktail that brought together the essence of guinea pig, combined with a little bit of farmyard hog, water buffalo and gray whale. The size improvement has been remarkable and far beyond anything anyone ever imagined for a mere guinea pig. They looked so tiny and helpless when, as a child, you kept them in a cage in your room. Now, one flank steak from a Triple G Pig can feed a family of five! Thanks, Butterball!

But seriously, if you are trying to provide for your family with a diet that includes nothing but GM foods, it is sometimes hard to know if you’ve found scientifically altered products. Certain experimenters are not as extravagant as I am and only they make subtle, virtually invisible changes. So you can’t always tell if a tomato in the produce bin has been bettered by someone like me. And why should you waste good money expecting to buy the results of literally weeks of random experimentation, only to wind up eating a fruit that has been touched by nothing more than the unaccountable hand of nature? There’s no drama in that!

By the way, if you’re looking for something that’s shockingly manipulated to add to a showy salad, try Genway’s Transparent Tomatoes! Thanks to the DNA of deep-sea jellyfish, these tomatoes are almost entirely see-through. Presentation is so important. When you serve the salad, it appears that a phantom-like cluster of seeds is hovering over the lettuce. The true nature of the fruit is only revealed when you slather it with dressing!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Labeling, and Our Promise.

When you come to Genway, you can be certain that everything in the store has been interfered with on a truly fundamental level. Right now you’ll have to take my word for it, but someday I hope we can perfect a technology that will make it possible for you to walk around the store and actually quiz individual products about their background. I can’t give you more details at the moment except to say it relies on a truly generous DNA donation from by gabby Aunt Lydia, who is known in the family for her fascination with her own pedigree and a habit of over sharing in the personal details department!

Your Friend in Food,
Dr. Larry Kyle

Dr. Kyle appears to be in touch with a segment of the food-shopping public you don’t often hear about – the GM product fan base. But it stands to reason that if there is a sizable group that believes everything natural is good, there’s a somewhat smaller counter-group that distrusts nature’s unpredictable ways. At least when you eat a Genway Giant Guinea Pig Flank Steak, you know who to blame when random parts of your body start to grow far out of proportion to the rest of you. Though if you’re also eating Genway’s Transparent Tomatoes, you may find that these newly oversized appendages are invisible to the casual observer. Eating equals adventure when you dine on foods from Genway!

What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve eaten?

Hostage Drama

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle of Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

Let’s talk about Bamboo!

I don’t like it. Once it grows beyond the “shoots” stage, it’s impossible to eat. Most people I know don’t care for it as curtains for flooring either. So I could get through a typical day without thinking very much about bamboo, except for one thing. Bamboo is a major, major food for pandas. And we just heard yesterday that climate change could destroy bamboo forests and leave the already endangered pandas with nothing to eat.

That’s why desperate authorities begged me to take their money to apply Genway’s unique but strangely successful approach of random and unsupervised experimentation to the potential panda problem by creating a bamboo variation that can grow at any temperature.

Yes, they begged me to save these charming creatures from the ravages of climate change and starvation.

But I refused!

I did it for three reasons.

  1.  Pandas have no money and can’t shop at Genway, so creating a new food for them is a waste of my time.
  2. We don’t do unsupervised experimentation using other people’s money, because it quickly becomes un-unsupervised.
  3.  Fixing bamboo so it can grow in spite of climate change will not solve the problem.

Americans need to do less driving. That’s the quickest way to reduce greenhouse gasses. But changing that habit will be very difficult, and I’m afraid science can solve it as quickly as intimidation can. That’s why I would like to suggest that food companies and political leaders join together to take another food hostage until climate change is stopped and the pandas are saved in a proper and sustainable way.

My suggestion – French Fries.

Yes, I know it’s a cold-hearted approach. But only when there is a terrifying personal cost will we even begin to consider not taking the car. Something dear has to hang in the balance. Think about it. The complete loss of French Fries would be emotionally devastating. And it would be a great step forward in the promotion of healthy lifestyles.

In other words, win-win, except for the political penalty to whomever proposed it and became its champion.

President Obama, are you listening? You’ve just been re-elected and you can’t run again. There is political capital in the bank and you’re looking for something significant to cement your legacy. You’ve already done the politically impossible by passing “Obamacare”. You’ve done something visceral by getting Bin Laden. Why not finish with something emotional and sweet.

How does “He Saved The Pandas (and the Earth)” sound as a legacy?

It’s simple. Take French Fries hostage. As the bamboo forests decline, ration the fried potatoes. Forge a connection between our favorite food, and their favorite food. Force America to change its ways and the pandas will live!

This is certainly a departure for Dr. Kyle, who would normally avoid politics and stick to science. But perhaps he has a point – some problems can’t be solved in the lab.

Driving or French Fries. Which is more important, and why?

Second Banana

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas -

  • Extra Large Size
  • Super Durable Peel
  • Awe Inspiring Majesty
  • Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages -

  • A Little Bit Woody
  • Counter Space Hogs
  • Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
  • Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?