Category Archives: Wally

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Millionaire Surplus Chases Story Shortage

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida, home of the Sherpa S.U.V. – the world’s most massive car.

Hello buyers!

Today is a great day to add a Sherpa to your collection of things that took a bundle of money to own.  I say that knowing  we have just been through a few years  when spending was something that even people with too much cash simply did not do.

But there was great news coming out of California last week – someone spent 27.5 million dollars on a car! And I don’t mean a car company – I mean one single, individual car.

You have no idea how this cheered up people in my business who have spent countless hours haggling with stubborn cheapskates who balk at forking over an extra $300 for the paint treatment. Finally, a great feel-good story about gaudy excess. It’s about time!

The car in question, a Ferrari NART Spyder, is special, there’s no doubt. In fact, the auction house produced this beautiful, lump-in-the-throat video about it.

What a great story – a fondly remembered father’s well-loved prize benefiting charity and helping to soothe the pain of loss. This tugs on the heartstrings of exactly the type of millionaire who buys a collectible automobile. I wish I had something as sentimental to give the Sherpa buying public, but our commercials only show the Sherpa plowing through muddy fields and crushing things. Of course it can look as fetching in the misty early-morning light as a pricey, rare Ferrari, but being a plus-plus-plus-size automobile, the Sherpa has to conform to the limited expectations of a public that is not ready to accept that a package brimming with raw power can also be alluring  in a skimpy, sexy negligee.

But another thing that does wonders to sell a 27.5 million dollar car is the paralyzing fear that some other rich cat will swoop in and buy it before you can. And there was one quote in the story that spoke to this – from McKeel Hagerty, CEO of a company that insures collectible cars.

“The supply of millionaires is exceeding the number of available great cars. An awful lot of collectors are now clamoring for event-eligible models, and they’ve become a permissible splurge. The values are climbing.”

This is music to my ears – the very idea of too many millionaires chasing too few desirable cars spells opportunity for Intimida and the Sherpa, especially when there are signs that car lust in general is on the decline. All a great car really needs to break into the uber-million dollar category at auction is a great story, and while I’m sure potential buyers would like those stories to be true, it can account for a lot if they are, at the very least, good.

Some of the story lines I’m thinking about attaching to specific cars for future sales -

  • The Sherpa that drove Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay to the top of Everest
  • The Sherpa the Von Trapp family took over the Matterhorn in The Sound of Music
  • The Sherpa that made the wheel-well slush chunk that grew into the Titanic iceberg
  • The Sherpa where Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address

There’s more to come as the automotive business transitions from being about transportation to being about nostalgia. But there’s still time left to buy a Sherpa of your own, so you can start making memories that will mean millions to your descendants, down the road. 

No pressure, honest.  Just think about it!

Your faithful car peddler,
Wally

What value-boosting story could you tell about your car?

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Most Likely To Exceed

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida, home of the Sherpa – the SUV that’s so large, it has its own gravity.

The Car Is A Butte
The Car Is A Butte

This is a great day to buy a Sherpa from Wally’s Intimida! Did I say great? I meant PERFECT!

But then I say that about every day. Too bad some people just don’t get it. Most people, actually. But the day will come when you will feel sorry that you didn’t buy a Sherpa when it was possible.

This car is mammoth. It can be seen from space. Not only does the Sherpa have its own gravity – it leaves a giant footprint. Park the Sherpa outside your house and it will begin to re-shape the landscape by changing wind and weather patterns. Set the parking brake and leave it for a million years, and you’ll have a butte in your back yard – guaranteed.

But one thing the Sherpa can’t do is make the list of the Most Frequently Stolen Cars in America. That top honor goes to the Ford F-250 four-wheel-drive crew cab. The Chevrolet Silverado came in second. The top ten targets of theft were all large or Very large pickup trucks or SUVs.

So why didn’t the Sherpa make the list?

Simple.

Thieves don’t know they can steal it because it registers as part of the landscape. It exceeds their expectations of what a car can be, and they simply cannot imagine themselves behind the wheel of something so gigantic. They can’t understand that it even has a wheel – the car looks like foothills to the uneducated observer.

And this mind-numbing-through-size happens to miscreants who regularly steal Ford F-250s. That’s got to tell you something!

Today is the day to get your own Sherpa from Wally’s Intimida. Bring it home and leave it unlocked. The car simply is too awesome for the criminal mind to comprehend.

I’ll see You In The Showroom,
Wally

I suppose on one level, having your product become the car-most-stolen IS a sign of success, since covetousness is what automobile marketing is all about.

What item would you steal if that was the only way to get it?

Cultural Downshift

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – Home of the Sherpa!

Whenever I’m feeling down, I look at the latest report from the US Public Interest Research Group to remind myself that there’s a lot further to fall. Yes, I could feel much, much worse. The US PIRG says young people today are doing less and less driving for a lot of different reasons including time and expense. Plus, when they were very little, their mothers and fathers drove them around everywhere they needed to go, inadvertently creating a a generation of lazy travelers who expect to be picked up and taken to their next destination.

In other words, public transit-loving leeches!

This doesn’t bode well for people like me who work in the automotive indulgence industry. Our audience is literally fading away. I have seen young people … young MEN … who are very conversant about bike racks but cannot get excited about a Corvette.

That’s just wrong.

We may be entering a time that will be remembered someday as the dark ages for the personal automobile.

Parked Behind a Small Rock
Parked Behind a Small Rock

But in the same way that Irish monks and scribes preserved western civilization by maintaining the culture through the transition from classic Rome to medieval Europe, so Sherpa drivers will allow our car culture to survive thousands of years into the future! It’s up to us to use and maintain the infrastructure. Otherwise our beautiful 8 lane freeways will become 2 car lane and 12 bike lane freeways. Perish the thought!

The Sherpa from Intimida does everything we need to keep our infrastructure in use and up-to-date. As the largest and heaviest passenger car ever made, it chews up the pavement at the same rate as 10 lesser cars. And no vehicle on Earth can match it for gas consumption. That’s great for America, because as our gas production increases (thanks, tracking!) the huge Sherpas of Intimida will be there to burn it!

And the taxes we pay will keep the roads in good repair. Sherpa ownership preserves a way of life, and supports Employment and Infrastructure.

And what about all that carbon dioxide in the air?

The Sherpa Woodsman edition comes complete with a old-growth forest that has been uprooted and surgically pre-planted in the cargo bay. That means your Sherpa is the only car on the road that both pumps CO2 into the air and consumes it at the same time!

Yes, young people think differently. Let them! It’s up to you to pass the consumptive culture that bred you on to some greedy future generation!

Come to Wally’s Intimida and take your proper place in history!

Your far-seeing dealer,
Wally

I told Wally that I’m not in the market for a new car, but in our own way, each of us represents something essential about the times in which we live. His eyes glazed over and I don’t think he heard a word I said after “I’m not in the market for a new car.”

In a Museum of the Future, which exhibit includes an image of you, and what are you doing?

Shake Your Tail Feathers

Today’s guest post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – home of the Sherpa Sport Utility Vehicle.

Today is a great day to buy a new Sherpa – the largest, most impressive vehicle on the road today! Great big cars are STILL hot, in spite of what some gloomy fun-killers say about the gas guzzler being an automotive dinosaur.

Because dinosaurs are still hot too!

Recent research shows that Oviraptors, a flightless, two-legged variety of dinosaur, had all the right equipment on board to flaunt a set of spectacular tail feathers solely for the purpose of attracting a mate. Scientists lament that the fossil record doesn’t do a good job of preserving these feathers, so we will probably never know exactly what kind of sinuous tail-shaking took place on the prehistoric dance floor.

But isn’t it encouraging to know that dinosaurs weren’t all about snarling and stomping and biting the heads off of smaller animals?

Sherpa-Peacock

In tribute, Intimida introduces the Sherpa Oviraptor edition, a mammoth SUV with a set of mechanical tail feathers that can do the very same thing the dinosaurs did – put on a flashy display to draw attention to the fact that YOU are driving a car that is absolutely ASTOUNDING!

Today’s automobiles have lost the feeling of excitement that made car owners of the 50′s and 60′s hunger for bigger and more elaborate tail fins. The Sherpa Oviraptor edition brings us back to those days of provocative, sensual display.

And a special bonus – from behind the wheel of your Sherpa, you can also deploy your feathers like a drag chute to help slow you down on a steep incline or if you simply forget that you’re expected to stop at the red lights like everybody else – as Sherpa owners are wont to do.

Come on down to Wally’s today! I’m ready and waiting to get you into a Sherpa Oviraptor with a drop-dead display that matches your eyes.

It’s a mighty big, mighty beautiful car!

What’s the most showy car you’ve ever owned? Or driven?

Frack Attack

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – home of the world’s largest SUV, the Sherpa.

Hello potential Sherpa buyers! I am intensely interested in you as long as you don’t have a Sherpa Sport Utility Vehicle. Because you represent a challenge to me – I simply can’t comprehend why you haven’t bought an Intimida yet!

I see that in the wake of Hurricane Sandy and the 2012 election, east coast people feel empowered to go car buying. Not just shopping – buying! That’s how they do things out east – if the car is busted, they don’t mess around. Fix it or replace it. Boom! And what better vehicle to get as your Hurricane Response Car than a Sherpa from Intimida! The Sherpa is massive and immovable – as stubborn as Republicans when it comes to Taxing the Rich!

For you non-natural-disaster-victims (just wait!), the Sherpa is still a great buy because it can be ordered with the new Curiosity package to mimic all the great options that came factory-installed on NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover! The Sherpa Curiosity has back up cameras, move forward cameras, coming-down-from-the-sky cameras, and just looking around cameras.

Sherpa_Frack

And it’s got its own Fracking Package, complete with a soil sampling shovel, a collapsible front-mounted drill rig, roof derrick and portable high pressure injection components. Now, when your Sherpa’s gas tank dwindles to “empty” in the forsaken wilderness of western North Dakota, you can roll out the necessary equipment to test, puncture, and fill the Earth with water sand and chemicals to force natural gas and petroleum out of the cracks between the shale.

And with its own onboard refinery, the Sherpa can turn that oil into fuel that will make it possible for you to leave North Dakota under your own power!

Imagine that – you’ll never have to stop at a gas pump again – just use the Sherpa’s hydraulic assist to insert your mechanical straw into the ground like you would push it through a plastic lid. Then simply draw energy out in the same way you might take a drink from a giant Slurpee! A giant Slurpee that happens to be on fire!

Your onboard shovel might also dig up signs of organic material underneath your Sherpa – something the Mars Curiosity Rover has not yet been able to do! And unlike the Rover, the Sherpa has the ability to kill everything it passes over – even stuff that was never alive to begin with, like cold, red Martian sand.

Hurricane Sandy and the Mars Lander make it official – America is car crazy again! Go out and buy one today – immediately! I mean it – don’t think too much. ACT!

I’m waiting to see you in the showroom.

Your friend,
Wally

Describe a memorable impulse buy. One that turned out to be good!

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/04/science/space/mars-rover-finds-no-signs-of-life-in-dirt.html

Home, Jeeves

California’s Governor, Jerry Brown, has signed legislation that will eventually lead to the legal operation of autonomous autos on the state’s many, many, many roads. By 2015 California will have guidelines to govern cars that drive themselves. I shared this news with Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – home of the Sherpa sport utility vehicle.

Here at Wally’s Intimida, we are thrilled about the coming age of driverless cars! I believe it will bring back the Hugeness Imperative! The H.I. was an important part of the car buying equation back in the ’90′s, when people sought vehicles that were increasingly larger and heavier as a safety measure. The thinking was – “if my car is bigger than yours, it will be harder for you to hurt me”. A line of reasoning that is undeniably true in terms of physics, and truly undeniable as a sales pitch! Oh how I miss those days!

In the years since, people have started to place more value things like fuel efficiency and reducing greenhouse gasses.

But I believe that turning control of your car over to Robbie the Robot is going to bring back the H.I. with a vengeance, because if Robbie goofs up, the sheer bulk of the vehicle will become your last line of defense! We’re already working on a Sherpa “Impervious” package – marketing the car cabin as a watertight, reinforced, self-contained life support system that cannot be compromised by any sort of impact.

Yes, it will be considerably heavier than the current Sherpa, which is already as hefty as a fleet of motorhomes. But don’t worry about gas mileage, because Robbie will be able to drive it sensibly. He’ll accelerate gently from stoplights and follow other cars at a safe distance. He won’t gun it on yellow lights and he’ll actually come to a full stop before turning right on red! You won’t notice because you won’t be paying attention anyway. The car will simply turn into another place to “be”, and driving will be just another thing that happens nearby while you neglect it. Even if laws are written to make the licensed human responsible for monitoring the trip at all times, you know what’s going to happen. People will do (and get caught doing) everything that humans can indulge in while riding around in the it-drives-itself car.

Everything.

Just let your imagination run wild with that one.

Autonomous Autos? I can’t wait! Pre-order your Sherpa Impervious at Wally’s Intimida today, and let our circuits do the driving tomorrow!

What one rule would you be sure to include in the laws that govern driverless cars?

Roadside Attraction

Today’s post comes from Wally, of Wally’s Intimida, home of the Sherpa Sport Utility Vehicle.

I give up!

As a salesman, I’ve tried to stay neutral about government so as not to drive away potential customers, but with this latest gas mileage move from the anti-SUV Obama administration, I’m declaring my political allegiance to anybody who is not a socialist dictator bent on destroying everything that is truly American about the American Car Industry.

And by “truly American”, I mean cars that are huge, stylish, luxurious, indulgent and wasteful. In other words, the Sherpa from Intimida. A landscape-altering vehicle designed to be the ultimate in extravagant travel, the Sherpa’s only understatement is its catch phrase – “It’s a mighty big car!”

That doesn’t even begin to describe it.

But the new decree that auto fleets will get 54.5 mpg by 2025 is out of reach for the Sherpa, which gets 5.45 mpg right now. Maybe we could get a decimal point variance? I don’t think so! Big Government is on a mission to ruin Big Vehicle by forcing everyone to drive a Chevy Volt.

So be it. But I don’t believe Americans will ever want to give up the thrill of sitting high in the driver’s seat of a car so massive, it towers over the very road it drives on. That’s why I’m now taking ground-floor partners in an ambitious new investment scheme to retrofit and re-purpose my incredibly backed-up inventory of Sherpas as mobile hotels.

I’m calling them SherpINNS.

Imagine it – SherpINNs lining the highway in every town along the interstate. For a modest fee you’ll be able to spend a night in the outrageous car you once might have driven from here to Poughkeepsie. We’ll put the king size bed where the driver’s position was and install a hot tub in the back seat. And all the usual Sherpa amenities will stay in place – the exercise room, observatory, the bowling alley, etc.

An America ruled by those who want its people to travel like the French will need lots of luxurious waysides to help it remember its greatness. Join me, won’t you? The initials S.U.V. will soon stand for Sorta Upscale Vacation. Coming to an access road near you!

Still Devoted to the Sherpa,
Your friend,
Wally.

Actually, Wally might have a good idea here. Spending the night in a quirky motel sounds like the sort of thing we Americans would enjoy – especially if there’s as much MO in the motel as you’ll get when the building itself is on four wheels. By re-classifying them from “vehicles” to “lodgings”, Wally might stand a chance of dodging the 2025 mileage requirements. But is he ready to install egress windows and smoke detectors?

Describe your stay in a memorable roadside inn.

Car Cover

A freshly assembled and somewhat opportunistic e-mail arrived with the warm spring temperatures and the fresh, healthy weeds sprouting from my lawn.

It’s Spring! And that means it’s time to buy a new car from Wally’s Intimida – Home of the Sherpa!

Hi, Wally here. There’s nothing that’s quite as exciting to me as a new car – especially when it comes from my store and winds up parked in your driveway, or behind your house, or in the case of the Sherpa, around your house, actually STRADDLING the structure!

Yes, that’s right! The Sherpa is the biggest car on the road today – big enough to park over the house so you get the extra measure of protection that only a 100 thousand pound car can give you! And in this time of unpredictable climate change featuring widespread and indiscriminate tornados and tsunamis, that’s an extra measure of comfort you can’t afford to be without!

You may have seen the video of a tornado throwing around tractor-trailers in Dallas. That’s a very bad thing, but no tornado would DARE do that to an Intimida Sherpa. The Sherpa is aggressively massive and distinctly aerodynamic, unlike a semi. A tornado may try to pick it up, but getting a grip on the Sherpa is like trying to grab a wet bar of soap from the shower floor. An incredibly heavy wet bar of soap! And underneath that stubborn soap sits your house, all snug and protected! Isn’t that worth having a few random drops of oil in your roof? Consider it part of the price you pay for peace of mind!

Our parents had dreams for us, and for many those dreams simply won’t come true. What did they want us to have? Good jobs and loving families, of course. But also they wanted us to have nice cars and secure dwellings. Sadly, many people lack even those basics.

Yes, times are still tough, but a fresh wind is blowing. It could be your local tornado. It could be the exhaust from a new Sherpa. Or it could be that people are starting to buy homes and cars again and here at Wally’s Intimida, we don’t want to be left out. That’s why all our Sherpas have to do double duty!

Some have a beautiful dream of a nice little house with a carport. I’m suggesting you make your great big car your houseport! Come on down to Wally’s Intimida today and let’s talk about protecting your abode with a topper from the road – a Sheltering Sherpa from Intimida.

It’s a mighty big, mighty hard-to-pick-up car!

Yours in Security,

Wally

You have to admire the agility of Wally’s pitch, even though pushing the windstorm security aspects of the heavyweight Sherpa on the heels of a major tornado is a bit tacky. Ok, it’s EXTREMELY tacky.

Where do you go when it’s time to take cover?

The Next War

Another day, another exclamation-loaded flyer from Wally at Wally’s Intimida – home of the Sherpa Sport Utility Vehicle.

September is “Side With Sherpa” Month at Wally’s Intimida!

Believe it or not, Fall is just a few weeks away. And with Fall comes a change in the weather, but if the events of recent weeks are any guide, that means we’ll simply trade one violent extreme for another!

We’ve seen already seen Drought. Earthquakes. And Hurricanes! All bad!

Michele Bachmann thinks God is sending these calamities to get us to think more like she does. She’s entitled to her opinion, but that sounds a little self-important to me. If God really generates these storms to change our thinking, He’s clearly saying we should all stop being so stingy and buy a new Sherpa!

The Sherpa - It's a Butte!

Why? Only a Sherpa is big enough to withstand the worst that Nature can throw at us. And nature seems intent on emptying the arsenal! The Sherpa can straddle the largest geological fault. It can lean into the heaviest hurricane-force wind. And with 20 cup holders, there’s no reason to worry about drought, as long as you’ve got an extra bendy straw!

Yes, we’re under assault by nature! The Earth is trying to kill us! So why pretend everything is OK by putting yourself in a tiny “green” car that sacrifices comfort to placate the enemy? God is upping the ante and telling us it’s “on” in the Man vs. Environment Contest.

Yes, the Sherpa drinks gas. Yes, the Sherpa exhales carbon. Yes, the Sherpa drips oil. That’s what cars are supposed to do. It’s cultural! The Sherpa is Proud to be an Auto-American, unabashedly hostile to Air, Water and the Earth itself.

A Peak At Your New Sherpa!

Think about the happy times you’ve spent in nature, and think about the happy times you’ve spent in your car. Who wins? Be honest!

So it’s time to choose sides! You can cower while you’re crammed into your electric roller skate, if that’s what makes you feel secure. Or you can Sit Tall during “Side With Sherpa” Month, perched atop the World’s Largest Car!

Climb up and Hunker Down in a new Sherpa from Intimida from Wally’s!
It’s a Mighty Big Car!

It looks like Wally is going with the militant revolutionary class warfare script for his Fall sales pitch. Appealing to the base, or laying down the law?

When have you had to choose sides?

Leader of the Free* World

* Financing charges may apply.

Happy President’s Day!

With all the snow PLUS a postal holiday, I’ve had extra time to read through the junk mail, including this dispatch from Wally’s Intimida.

Your New Sherpa - Parked Out Back

Don’t miss the President’s Day Sale this year – we’ll have awesome deals on incredible cars of course, including the one-of-a-kind Intimida Sherpa, the largest car on the planet! It’s a mountain of an automobile that’s so massive, it makes its own weather! Come see the car environmentalists call “obscene” and mapping satellites say is “terrain”. That’s right – your new Sherpa could appear in the next World Atlas!

Wally’s Intimida is committed to providing a great car buying experience to everyone who comes in the door. We believe in freedom and equality for all! We totally buy into the time-honored sales slogan “The customer is always right”. And if you shop in February, we make this pledge – The Customer is Always President!

Face it – you’ve always wanted to be Commander in Chief, and you know you’d be a great one.

When you come to Wally’s, our sales staff will meet you at the door with applause, just for being there! We’ll play “Hail to the Chief” and we’ll sit and listen with rapt attention as you lay out your ideas for how everything needs to be. We’ll agree, totally. You’ll get lots of ovations. There’ll be confetti and you’ll have the chance to kiss a few babies.

When we take you out to the lot for your test drive, we’ll have a camera crew following you and a reporter shouting questions that you don’t have to answer. And of course there will be a cloud of security, complete with snipers on the rooftops watching out for low flying airplanes. The manhole covers along your route will be welded shut. After all, you’re President!

Once you get back to the dealership – a press conference. The sales consultant, the sales manager, the financing guy, the woman who wants to sell you nitrogen filled tires and extra rust proofing and the dude who pushes the extended warranty will pepper you with questions. It’s all in good fun and what a great experience – bring your family so they can see how you handle the pressure with confidence. Ultimately we’ll do whatever you say, mostly. This whole thing is part of your legacy and you’re in charge!

And because Every Customer is President during February at Wally’s Intimida, we’ll do some talking behind your back. You can watch on closed-circuit TV as our staff of commentators and bloviators dissects your every move and gesture. We’ll chew the fat about how realistic your goals are. We’ll list your strengths and weaknesses and wonder out loud about your true motives. We’ll develop a plan to get you to compromise. We might even decide to stonewall you. Fun! Do we give anything away by letting you in on it? Of course not – you’re the President! So much of high-level politics is obvious. The players know what’s coming and it always boils down to a power struggle over numbers. We’ll consider shutting down the whole dealership if it looks like, by doing so, we can get you to budge on that paint sealant package. Stare us down. Test your mettle. And bring lots of extra change for the vending machine – we could be here all night!

And when the great struggle is finally over, there’ll be a signing ceremony in the sales manager’s office. It may be years before any of us know who got the better end of the deal. Historians will pick through the remains, and we’ll send you on your way with enough paperwork to start your own Presidential Library!

Here’s the point – when you are Commander in Chief, you are always the most important person in the room. If you want to feel significant, like your actions and opinions matter, then come car shopping at Wally’s in February when Every Customer is President. It’ll be the greatest opportunity you’ve ever had, and the toughest job you’ve ever loved.

I have to admit this letter got to me – I would like to feel like I’m as important as the President, but I don’t know if I have the stamina. And one thing Wally didn’t mention – when it’s all over you’ll still have to manage a crushing amount of debt!

Ever had a great experience buying something big?