Tag Archives: money

Farmstead By The Sea

Back in the day, my brother would lament that we weren’t born into a money-smart family.

It’s not that our parents were financially reckless – quite the contrary. They were careful and conservative and as a result we were well taken care of all the while we were growing up.

But we were not marinating in entrepreneur sauce.

My brother imagined that under different circumstances, we might have absorbed some business smarts from a line of savvy patriarchs who could have shared their collected wisdom regarding investments, promoted the expectation that fortunes would be made, and somehow transmitted to us a knack for being in the right place at the right time with the right connections to make a killing on emerging market trends.

Whenever he offered up some fresh regret over this unfulfilled scenario, I agreed in order to avoid an argument. But secretly I was glad I hadn’t turned out to be that guy who is always counting the money and scanning the horizon for some way to gain an advantage over everyone else. Life is too short.

But now with new evidence seeming to emerge every day that climate change will cause a rise in the sea level coupled with the news that humans are living longer than ever and the first person destined to reach age 150 is already breathing air on the planet today, I’m wondering if life will ultimately be too long.

And in my most ambitious moments I’m thinking maybe I should fire up my latent market-cornering urges and invest in future beachfront property located considerably back from the shore. Some observers believe it’s not too late to alter your financial strategy to make the best of a global environment that will be water-rich and ice cap-poor. Apparently there’s opportunity there because the market hasn’t adjusted yet for a coming coastal calamity.

In other words, rich people are still buying expensive places with water views. According to the Forbes article linked above, “… billionaires like Larry Ellison are purchasing beachfront property rather aggressively.”

In a world where everyone accepted that climate change is really real, the advantage-takers of Wall Street would be buying farmland, life jackets and pontoons. They’d be crunching the numbers to locate the new waterfront building a Riviera in Ohio. With so much wealth at stake, why don’t they act quickly and aggressively on the conclusions of an overwhelming majority of the world’s scientists?

Unless being money smart is not exactly the same thing as being really smart.

What’s the best financial advice you didn’t follow?

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Money Storm!

Today’s post is a fundraising letter from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents,

Yes, the forecast is alarming.

But I want to assure you that I am fully aware that a deluge is headed this way, and I have taken every possible step to prepare for the coming storm.

The expected onslaught will yield unprecedented piles and prodigious accumulations – exactly the type of crisis I have dreamed of facing from the moment I was sworn into this office.

And now, thanks to the Supreme Court, it is coming true. The country’s richest people are finally free to dump boatloads of money on me!

The court’s ruling in the McCutcheon case means individual Americans are no longer limited in the number of politicians they can support with direct contributions. While they will still have a $2600 ceiling per candidate per election, the overall election cycle restriction of $48,600 for Federal office seekers has been removed.

So if you have ever said to me, “Really, you’re the next Congressman I’d write a check to if I hadn’t already hit the limit!”, the McCutcheon decision means that excuse is gone and now is the time to pony up.

And yes, I realize that $2,600 would buy a very nice pony indeed, but as I’ve said at hundreds of chicken dinner fundraisers over the past ten years, “Why waste that kind of cash on such an extravagant gift for your daughter when I’ll be more grateful and I’ll actually listen when you call to offer your sage advice!”

Don’t expect others to take care of this. I don’t have any illusions about this making much difference to the average residential contributor in the waterlogged 9th district. After all, most people who live on the lake have boats, and boats consume dollars faster than horses eat oats. Ordinary people would be much better off giving their money to some worthy non-profit, like your local community radio station!

But major, major, bottomless-bank-account political funders coast to coast – you’ve got the resources and you know who you are. You now have it within your reach to make a maximum offering to every member of Congress! And what hobbyist hasn’t dreamed of collecting the complete set?

Trust me, the complete set has dreamed of being collected by you!

Mega-donors, your phone is about to start ringing. Yes, there will be pleading, cajoling, and some begging. The clamoring voices of Congressmen may all begin to sound the same to you, but if, in the background, you hear the call of a loon, that will be me!

Seriously,
Congressman Loomis Beechly
Minnesota’s 9th

Ever been strong-armed?

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Science Fare

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

DrKyle

Vindication is mine!

Anyone who knows my work at Genway understands that I have been a misunderstood and lonely pioneer. Scientifically I have blazed unthinkable pathways in the genetic manipulation of plants and animals. And ethically I have set a new standard for non-regulated, devil-may-care experimentation. Have I done things that were questionable? Yes. Ill advised? Of course!

There was a time when people called me mad. MAD, I say! And THEY said it too! They said LOTS of things.

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

When I developed fresh-as-life toast that lived in a terrarium they said I should be investigated.
When I invented the Genway Screaming Halloween Pumpkin, they said I should be prosecuted.
When I used terrier DNA to create barking tulips, they said I should be stopped!

But they couldn’t lay a hand on me because I had no University affiliation and took no money from the government. I financed my work with proceeds from product sales at Genway, and through urgent contributions from neighbors and acquaintances who wanted only one thing from me – that I stay far away from their homes and their families.

Yes, some other researchers called it “vanity science”, and even extortion. But I knew if I waited long enough the rest of the scientific community would eventually come around. And now they have, because I see there is a major article in the New York Times that claims Billionaires With Big Ideas Are Privatizing American Science!

“For better or worse,” said Steven A. Edwards, a policy analyst at the American Association for the Advancement of Science, “the practice of science in the 21st century is becoming shaped less by national priorities or by peer-review groups and more by the particular preferences of individuals with huge amounts of money.”

Yes! Now the most groundbreaking science will be done by those who are best at separating rich people from their fortunes! Whim based research will shape a tomorrow that you won’t recognize and no one can predict. How quickly the Brave New World I dreamt of has become a reality!

The Extra Long Cobra Banana - Delicious Hot or Coiled
The Extra Long Cobra Banana – Delicious Hot or Coiled

Why let government chart a course when the future really belongs to guys who have the twisted curiosity to wonder what might happen if you combined a banana with a King Cobra, and the fat bankroll to find out?

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

And in case you didn’t read it with the right amount of spirit, yes – that’s a maniacal laugh!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Kyle

What sort of research would YOU pay for?