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Are We There Yet?

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“I’m baffled by this ridiculous case,” muttered Lupine as he and Goatlock approached the Behavior, Learning, Education and Teaching (B.L.E.A.T.) Center on the campus of Companion Animal College. “All we’ve got is a collection of mildly interesting bits. Nothing connects or makes any sense at all. It gives me a headache and I wish we’d never started.”

“The world isn’t arranged very neatly,” agreed Goatlock.
“If you must find a logical explanation for everything, I would say you’re afflicted with a serious handicap. Anyone suffering under such a compulsion is bound to go mad.”

“But that’s exactly what you do,” answered Lupine. “Every single time you struggle with randomly scattered facts and against impossible odds you find an explanation that is not only logical, but novel.”

“Just so,” Goatlock whispered.

Moments later, Goatlock and Lupine watched with great interest as a raccoon with one stubby leg and a misshapen mask carefully threaded its way through an obstacle course populated by garbage cans and random bits of debris.

“Why doesn’t the animal stop to eat some of that trash,” asked Lupine.
“It is a REAL raccoon, isn’t it?”

“Of course,” said Director Horace Carstairs of the B.L.E.A.T. Center. “All our creatures are real and completely wild when we acquire them. But we alter their behavior to suit the environment they’ll enter when they leave. This raccoon will be a companion animal for a landfill superintendant who has lost his sense of smell, so we had to train the beast to pass up garbage and only go for fresh food. That way, he’ll show his human what is good to eat, and what isn’t. And he’ll model good hygiene since he washes everything first, regardless.”

Lupine blinked in disbelief at the thought of a raccoon as a taste tester and food guide. “What does it cost,” he asked, “to train such a creature?”

“Not too much,” Carstairs casually replied, “compared to the GDP of a small country.”

“Director Carstairs,” asked Goatlock, “ have you ever trained a turtle to squeeze through small openings?”

“Sorry,” Carstairs replied, “but our confidentiality policy prevents me from discussing any of our cases in detail.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’” said Goatlock. “But why would such a thing be necessary?”

“Turtles get hung up on things,” Carstairs said. “It can take them hours to get free. But if the animal had a knack for slipping past obstacles that would delay a normal turtle … why … that would be advantageous.
Under certain circumstances.”

“Out with it, man.” Lupine blurted. “What circumstances?”

“I’m unwilling to discuss it. You’ll have to go somewhere else for your answer.”

“ There’s no need,” said Goatlock. “I’ll wrap this all up with a tidy little speech tomorrow.”

Or you could write the speech (or a part of it) right now, if you wish.

77 thoughts on “Are We There Yet?”

  1. nuh-uh. no speech writing for me. Goatlock is just too fine a speaker for me to put words in his mouth that would suit his fine mind.
    really, really Dale – a book, please. at least one.
    off to town for the day
    have fun
    Donna, i love texas caviar – i have a recipe called “Hill Country Salsa” – not as picturesque but still scrumptious.
    Clyde – thinking of you and your wife.

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  2. Mike – thanks for “Only You”. My mother had this record (a 45 no less) when I was a kid and I’ve always loved it!

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  3. and we need to recognize Renee for figuring out that this was a piece of perfomance literature – Dale constructing it, crafting our thoughts into an intricate puzzle. very nice deducing, Renee – and as always, excellent writing, Dale.
    bye

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  4. Rise and Shine Baboonites:

    I caught up on the late action last night–glad to hear a gathering and a digital book group are in the works! Glad we found Tim–I still think he has Alex!

    A speech? I can’t imagine what Insp. Goatlock would say with such a collection of mildly interesting bits. Goatlock’s headache makes sense to me. Maybe it’s too early and I should try again when I am back from the gym. However, I do think the shapeshifting turtle with the ability to get into small spaces has a lot of potential as a superhero…. Can turtles wear superhero capes?

    Meanwhile, Clyde, be well.

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  5. Greetings, everyone. It took me long enough to find my way over here. Oh, and equivoque equals elinor at WordPress and at other sites I have haunted, too.

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    3. Hi Elinor! You don’t know me but I was a lurker in the Trial Balloon days. Missed seeing your posts! Welcome back.

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  6. welcome elinor aka equivouque (2 q’s in your name and a traveler to many other sites you have haunted eh?) could it be elinor has secretly been sliding in and out of our blog along with …mike pengra!!!! who as we all know has a drgree in music selection but what we didn’t know was he has a triple minor in russian, situational ethics and animal husbandry where he has been training turtles and raccoons to go to the back of audio library to retrieve the cd’s lp’s cassettes and archival information that he passed off as his own research and discovery? and how else could it be explained that an employee of mpr could dress like that in those magnificent suits with the feather boas and so much gold jewelry? i think we see now how the turtle was slipping past the locked doors to enable mike to get into safe deposit boxes and post office boxes to have the misshappen claw of the henchman raccoon pick the locks and bring the booty home to mike who would wire the funds to his swiss savings account under the name of professor mjority who has a monicle a suspicious, dastererdly laugh and access to the vault where he keeps valuable of all description (including drum heads with minnesota twin autographs, paintings stolen form various european exhibits never to be seen again and the hope diamond). now he has endevoured to drain the bam accounts of all unsuspecting grandmothers in the radio community of their saving by sending out calls form their grandchildren. he also has been for years sending emails asking that you help him get the riches out of exotic foreign accounts by providing information on where he could forward these vast riches to hide them from the opressive rulers in these third world nations. well the jig is up professor or shall we say mike and elonor??? i think it is all to obvious now.

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      1. Guilty, Mike, has long been out of fashion. Plead no lo contendre, a la Spiro Agnew, whom only a very few of us remember.

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  7. This blog site is really a challenge. I’ve just learned that we can’t ignore it after people seem to stop blogging late in the afternoon. Some folks pop up in the evening. I’ll have to monitor TB even more than I have.

    Tim: thanks for the gracious comments on my book. Your punishment for that kindness will be getting the rest of the thing in your inbox.

    I have sent out early chapters to anyone who expressed an interest AND gave me an address. If I neglected to mail to you, I didn’t have an address.

    As for the mystery, it seems Dale has finally cowed us into whimpering silence. I can’t wrap up the mystery at the moment. Maybe after more coffee.

    I’ll just add that Dale’s trained raccoon sounds believable to me. My dad had an OCD raccoon. That coon would sort through the garbage, eating any leftovers. But then he would rearrange the garbage containers, lining them up with perfect spacing and a highly developed sense of order. Think of “Monk” after dying and coming back to earth as a raccoon. Dad was delighted to have him raid the garbage since it was so much fun to find out how he had rearranged it.

    Elinore, I’m delighted with your artistry. I want to spend more time in your galleries.

    Clyde: you’re in our hearts.

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    1. I have taken to checking TB right before I settle down for the night. But even THAT doesn’t always work, especially when tim is keyboarding furiously away at 1 a.m. in the morning.

      Hey Steve… I sent you an email offline about chapters of your book. Can you send to me as well? shelikins@hotmail.com.

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    3. My strategy is (when I remember to do it) is to click on the “follow up comments” button toward the end of my virtual day.

      It is sometimes a little ersatz to read the following posts in isolation, but I at least know about where to look for them when I scroll back through in the early hours before the new post.

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    4. thanks for pointing out the art. i wwould hae missed it.
      great stuff elinor. where did you get the money for the cameras??? bought in ruppies?

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  9. I can imagine Goatlock explaining it to Lupine like this “You see, my dear Lupine, I have provided you with these facts as an exercise in existential reasoning, to improve your sense of mindfulness, to be able to stay in the moment without judging or jumping to conclusions, to be able to simply be, with full awareness of your feelings and gut instincts, since being in such a state helps with problem solving. If grandma had been more mindful, she would have caught on to the fact that Alex’s plea just didn’t feel right and she would have asked more questions instead of coughing up the cash. Now, I want you to participate with me and Blevins’ and Ronda and this ridiculous raccoon in a little exercise-we will all take a mouthful of our favorite food and spend 2 minutes slowly chewing, just to become aware of our food, its texture, its the way its taste changes in different parts of the mouth. I believe that if you become more mindful, all he facts of this case will come together like buttercream in the mixer.”

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    2. Wow, Renee-it’s just like being in grad school again trying to decipher all of that.

      What I wouldn’t have given for some buttercream in those starving days.

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    3. I think I saw Goatlock in a mindful eating workshop I went to years ago. It involved small groups and Hershey Kisses, as I recall. Maybe he went because he confused B.L.E.A.T. with E.A.T.

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  10. Clearly Sarge the Turtle Butler did it (it’s always the Butler, isn’t it?). He had learned mind control while at B.L.E.A.T., and along with Marnie, was using his new-found skills to amass riches to first corner the Moose Sweat market and then Sarge and Marnie would use their ill-gotten gains to find better modes of transportation so they could establish book clubs (well stocked with good reading for young and old) and turtle enclaves (well stocked with Turtle Nummies) throughout the known world. With most everyone reading, and the turtles contentedly full of Turtle Nummies, world peace would inevitably ensue, all that reading would lead to a discovery that would end world hunger, and the raccoons would have time to find all of our missing socks.

    Or Mike and Elinor did it.

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    1. i do want a little more about marnie walking the maze and being so mesmerized. did mike and elinor have her drugged or did the turtle sneak into her toothpaste and add mind altering flavonoids to the crest.

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  12. All–thank you for your concern and offers.
    Steve–
    I read this somewhere: “She had little appetite for revisiting events that had been harrowing enough the first time . . . she experienced present time as a small safe place.” I did a glancing reference in front of my daughter and family to the death of my wife’s favorite uncle Donny in WWII and the day the telegram came to the house where she lived with her Swede/Norwegian grandmother, mother, little sister, and abusive drunken Russian father. It is a story she would tell briefly to me years ago. I wanted to get it into my daughter’s family lore. My wife, the soul of good humor and emotional strength, went dark and changed the subject. She has come over the years to embody your fine description of your mother.
    I too would like to receive the rest of the story. What I like is this story is the same era as mine with very similar Iowa roots but is such a different story.
    Did you see my comment on your pix of Presque Isle River? Hanging on our dining room wall is my version of the scene, taken in almost the same place. It is one of the very few pix of mine of which I will ever brag. It could compete with yours.

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    1. Wow great line, Clyde (“She had little appetite……). That’s one I’m copying into my “look at this again e-folder.”

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    3. Oh sorry, Steve! You get the credit. I haven’t yet had a chance to read the chapters but will this weekend.

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  13. Clyde —
    Ding dong dang it! I missed your comments on the Presque Isle picture. Well, that will be an excuse for going back through TB again. What a fascinating discovery this blog has turned out to be. I am giving serious thought to what we can do to ensure its health, specifically by attracting new voices to it. We don’t have the music as a recruiting agent.

    I’ll send the rest of the book to you today. Thanks so much for the interest and the comments.

    The whole issue of family lore can be fascinating. I spent years reassembling mine from things that in many cases were just stories told to me one time fifty years ago, but eventually things came back and began to form patterns. I know a woman whose grandmother wanted to research her family’s history. She sent off for documents. One day she closed herself away from the rest of the family and spent hours studying the family history. She finally came out with the papers and announced, “We will not talk of this ever again.” And she chucked all the documents into the fire in the stove! You gotta wonder what she found in those old papers.

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    2. My sister’s husband has spent his retirement researching his Swedish family roots and chasing down relatives, which has made his retirement very enjoyable for him and pretty painful for us. He tells story after story, not one of which is interesting to anyone but him.

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    3. Great story, Steve. I’ve got a family mystery of my own to solve involving people who show up in the census records as part of the family, but are no where in the family records I have (which are spotty at best).

      Getting the older family members to talk about the past is often difficult and I think the sentence Clyde quoted explains that very eloquently.

      Send me a copy too-lucath@juno.com

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  15. Oh man – today I got nothing! But my intuitive kittycat, William, is certain he knows what Goatlocks will reveal tomorrow. You’ll notice he did his own typing.

    wtj{okrt[jghornswogglepeepr’ytioijrttoieaucajetangpre96u.933nnhorehoundnnnguile66 annnimphott88882%22&&2carlos4[a459874ogjojpraireoysterphp9;brilliantdalergglkfjd;auemeltorme222rsu0js0moosesweatgllfs[s[s[[[s[[s[jfgj{elinorwelcomeback!U2Tim*zzzzzzzztophoosegow =egi04440000flimflamming000mikepengra?ar0u880heineken.

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    3. Hey Donna, have you and William ever read Pinkie Pye to the kids at school? We love it-especially the take on book reports at the end of the story (we are big readers at out house, but abhor the dreaded book report)

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      1. Catherine – thanks for the Pinkie Pye recommendation! I love Eleanor Estes’ The Hundred Dresses. I agree with you about book reports. There are certainly other ways for kids to respond to their reading that are more meaningful and enjoyable.

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      2. Yes! Yes! Yes!
        No goldarn (I thought something else) book reports. I think I posted on here once that “book reports are a way of getting the summary on the book jacket from the student to the teacher without going through the mind of either.”

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    1. And DOS is a cat.

      Thank you all for the big grin I got out of that.

      Clicking the notify button now so I can see what you all get up to while I head into the “real” world.

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  23. Today’s installment “As the General Hospital Turns”
    I have spent part of the day trying to figure out how to deal with my 90-year-old aunt in Florida, whom I mentioned a few months ago. She is in complete dementia, has a kind soul trying to take care of her (who is 74 herself), and is getting stolen from by everybody including right-wing politicans, TV evangelists and her maid. Refuses to go into a nursing home. The kind sou fired the maid and called the sherriff about her but is worn out and giving up. So trying to decide my next step. I suppose I need to go there but I can’t. Hmm??

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  24. Have no idea. I guess I try calling the county, which I cannot possibly do until Monday. I need to check out now. Bye-Bye, all.

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    1. Hi Clyde – former social worker here. There should definitely be adult protective services through the county or state. They can pay a visit to her. Generally, services in MN far exceed those in Florida so I’m not sure how much of a delay there is or what other resources they have. The law is weighted heavily in her favor (as it should be), but they may be able to do something if she’s not able to meet her own basic needs and they feel that she is in danger.

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  25. Hey gang – I started a new WordPress site for us for the book club, tentatively named by me, the blog dictator, as Blevins’ Book Club. You may commence discussion of what to read, where to meet, when, how, etc.

    Your voluntary cyber-secretary and cat herder,
    Anna

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    1. Anna – Thank you for setting up the Book club site!!! It will be interesting to see how many cats (baboons?) you can herd to the site. Can you post the link here on Trail Baboon?

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      1. I dunno about rock star…but willing to try to herd cats (and baboons and blog posters). I work with WordPress all day, so setting up a new blog is just like falling off a bicycle…

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  27. Anna – maybe I have to let you know that Teri in Zimmerman and thyrkas are one and the same. My WordPress blog is under thyrkas.

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