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The Evolution of Coffee

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Sometimes, the latest news has a way of confirming emerging trends and verifying possibilities we imagined long ago. So it is with this week’s news that scientists have plotted the coffee genome and brought us another step closer to a supermarket beverage aisle that features a vast array of genetically tailored coffees.

This section of our show is brought to you by Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered food.

This weekend, be sure to check out Genway’s special price on it’s finest coffee, Sumatran Rush.

Dr. Kyle and the gene grocers of Genway have found a way to boost the jolt that you normally get from coffee by re-thinking caffeine and it’s reason for being there in the first place.

Caffeine is useful for overcoming sleep deprivation by giving you that “awake” look that’s so useful when you’re trying to make an impression.

But for a lot of people, just appearing awake isn’t enough. They want to be awake, be alert, and be in a heightened state of readiness for whatever may come their way, whether it’s an important meeting, a difficult procedure, a big game, a fun evening or a tough day with the kids …

… that’s why the beans that make Genway’s Sumatran Rush are enhanced with ADRENALINE!

DrKyle

You thought caffine was addictive? Get a load of this!

Thanks to special methods used by Genway technicians for frightening laboratory rats, we are able to harvest key secretions and splice those genetic instructions directly into coffee plants. The result? Sumatran Rush is a drink that will immediately put your whole body on RED ALERT!

The beans actually glisten with a distilled ADRENALINE that will have your eyes open wide, your nose twitching, and every hair on your body standing at attention, as if you were about to be stuck with a needle by a creature much larger than yourself for a purpose you didn’t fully understand.

Adrenaline! It’s a completely natural way to focus all your senses for full participation in class, standing up for yourself in that crucial morning meeting, getting into the mood for an evening of dancing, or should you simply need to lift up a car or jump over a house.

Adrenaline is miraculous! There was a time when you had to make every drop yourself, but now it’s in the coffee!

And be sure to ask about our flavored versions, such as vanilla, almond, mocha and FEAR. If you haven’t tasted them all, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Pick up some Sumatran Rush … At Genway, the supermarket for genetically altered foods.

What do you like in your coffee?

69 thoughts on “The Evolution of Coffee”

  2. I take mine with sugar and half and half. Son does, too, and my dad, husband, and daughter in law like their’s black. My dad loves really strong coffee, and the customers at his coffee shop used to accuse him of trying to kill them whenever he would use espresso grounds in his coffee maker. He is disappointed that French Press coffee pots don’t come any larger than the one we have in our kitchen.

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  3. I drank 4 or 5 pots of French roast black back when I was a younger man, my doctors told me coffee raises hell with my homeopathic medicine and that I had to quit, I switched to tea, I like Lipton and the English breakfast teaand an occasional earl gray
    Still 4 or 5 pots , I am a liquid guy

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      2. I am so lucky
        I have extravagant elegant expensive preferences in many areas but I go through 30 or 40 tea bags a day and twining a or the other all seem to be trying to make a tea statement, I just want a damn cup of tea and lip tons does that better than anyone. . The other cheap teas all suck but lip tons is perfect. Just enough flavor and crisp edge with the proper leaf. Unless the water is off , then nothing works.

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  4. Good morning. The main thing is to have lots of coffee in the coffee. There are still people who drink what I once called Minnesota coffee. This kind of coffee is so weak that it only has a light brown color. However, most of the people I run into these days want good strong coffee, although you can still find some that prefer coffee that is about half strength from my point of view.

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    1. Ot sort of. Jim,. what variety of spinach do you plant in the fall? We like Tyee. Would that winter over and come up in the Spring?

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      1. Renee, I think any kind of spinach that does well for you in the spring would also work in a fall planting that is held through the winter and is harvest when it matures in the spring. I protect mine by covering it with row cover spread over the top of some wire hoops. I think it might do okay protected with straw or leaf mulch although I don’t have much experience doing this. I don’t have experience using Tyee for a fall planting. I expect that Tyee would work.

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        2. I am away from home and can’t look at my records on planting spinach in the fall or late summer for spring harvest. I think next week or the following week would be good planting dates

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    2. What is that thing about weak Minnesota/Lutheran coffee? I learned my coffee drinking from Minnesotans and Lutherans (and Danes) and not a one of them had any patience with weak coffee.

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      2. When we moved to Southern Minnesota 30 years ago, most of the coffee offered to me or found in restaurants was not very strong. In fact, 30 years ago the coffee I made for myself was not as strong as the coffee I make for myself currently. Over time the appreciation of good strong coffee seems to have increased in the Midwest and across the country. I suppose the increased interest in all kinds of cooking that seems to have taken place during my life time has included more interest in good tasting stronger coffee.

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  5. Ah, Dale, it’s good to hear Dr. Larry Kyle’s “voice” again. Almost lost my mouthful of tea… PG Tips, the best black tea I’ve found (English – in the ethnic foods section of your local supermarket).

    When I drink coffee, it’s with cream or half & half. NOT any of those nasty non-dairy creamers, which really aren’t food at all, and leave an unpleasant aftertaste.

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    3. I order English breakfast, Irish breakfast, earl grey and for my son chamomile from amazon for 17 a pound and it’s good
      Must confess I have resorted to two French Presses to keep up with consumption .

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  6. The sound of coffee being made will always be associated with that calm moment in the morning when the family comes together to start the day. My folks had one of those double-chamber vacuum coffee makers at first, and then an electric percolator. Both made a merry burble as they made coffee.

    And yet I grew up prejudiced against coffee because my parents made a ritual of drinking one or two cups of coffee after many meals. That was irritating when we “ate out” because my sister and I would have to sit at the table doing nothing until they finished. I later realized that what they were really doing was smoking, but it was more acceptable to say they were drinking coffee.

    My first taste of coffee came in my first year of graduate school. I passed the old Scholar Coffeehouse on the West Bank and decided to sample the music and the beverage. Thus my first cup of coffee was inky black espresso, so strong you could float a dime on it. To my astonishment, I loved it. Meanwhile, I was blown away by the music, which was Koerner, Ray and Glover doing blues. When I stumbled out of that coffeehouse I felt I was a changed person.

    And that set my taste in coffee. I still drink it black and unsweetened, a dark roast prepared with classical simplicity. As I have aged I have cut back on how much I drink (from ten cups each morning to two or three) so now my hands don’t vibrate as much and my eyes no longer spin in caffeinated circles.

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  7. Let’s see. In addition to Sumatran Rush, Dr. Larry might want to market Brazilian Bounce, Rainforest Ranygazzoo, Peruvian Polka, Costa Rican Rapid Transit, and Ecuadoran Energizer.

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  8. Rise and get a buzz on Baboons!

    Wowie, Zowie! I have an image of a logo, with a person’s hair standing on end and vibrations all around.

    I love strong dark roast coffee with half and half. Of which I had none this morning. A trip to the grocery store is in order.

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  9. I used to mostly drink my coffee black – now I prefer a bit of dairy product in my coffee. No sugar. Ever. Except for the first time I tried coffee back in high school when I was interning at a theater that has since become defunct. It was winter and, at the time, I was a tea drinker. The green room held one coffee urn (of the church basement variety) used to make coffee, the other was used to heat hot water. One or the other went on the fritz, so only coffee was available one cold afternoon when I arrived (the non-coffee drinkers were a definite minority). If I wanted something warm, coffee was my choice. So I doctored it up and drank down a cup. I think the first cup was my only one with sugar – too sweet. It’s been black or with dairy since. Well, and occasionally a bump of Bailey’s.

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  10. Wait, I might be dense, no I am dense, feel my bicep, wait I digressed, hadn’t had my morning coffee yet, ok. So i can’t tell if this is satire or if it’s real, is there really such a thing as Adrenaline coffee, the cans in the picture look real to me lol? I wouldn’t put it past some genetics nerd to invent such a thing. If it is real, i have to say i am appalled, it sounds ridiculous, disgusting and unsafe, my commitment to misanthropy is reaffirmed. If it is not real, then chuck it up to how I’m blond, or how I can’t get my hands on any of that Sumatra Rush to give my noggin a kick..in the noggin.

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    3. You’ll fit in just fine. It make take a while to realize that tongue in cheek is part of the deal here . Dense is a good tool to bring to the trail . Articulate sensitivity gets in the way.

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  11. Afternoon all. Is anybody besides Krista at Rock Bend today? Linda, BiR and Michael – you all still going tomorrow? Anybody else?

    I will drink my coffee just about any way. I started drinking coffee after college when I was on the 4 a.m. shift at the bakery. The problem was that you could never just drink the coffee right away, while it was still hot. You’d take a drink, set the mug down and maybe 20 minutes later get another chance. So I learned pretty quickly to enjoy it all along the temperature range from mouth-scalding hot to moderately warm to belong zero cold. After 2 years of that, I’ll take coffee in any form. Left to my own devises, I make it strong and hot, with a little sugar and either half & half or cream.

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    2. Yup, almost any coffee is good coffee to me too.

      It really does depend on context- for regular usage, I prefer mine strong, black and never empty.

      If I am having a dining, dessert or coffee experience, cream is added (and I will indulge in most coffee related beverages if offered and affordable).

      Both the s&h and his dad learned very quickly to check to see there is nothing left in my cup before attempting to pay the check and leave

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  12. My brain likes caffeine, but unfortunately my body doesn’t. So I usually drink decaf (I know, I know, some people would say that’s not real coffee). With half and half, no sugar. A mocha is good, too, and spiking it with rum, kahlua, or whiskey is fine. Or Irish Cream.

    but my very favorite way to consume coffee is coffee ice cream.

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  16. Our lives here have become better since a very nice Dunn Bros. opened in Bismarck. I love their French roast Brazilian beans.

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  17. Teenager just came upstairs sipping coffee and asking which of the containers in the freezer was decaf. I said “none”. She said “good”.

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  18. Dad comes home from the hospital tomorrow, having eluded the hangman’s noose yet again. (If you were born to be hanged, you can’t be drowned). He is looking forward to some much better coffee .

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