The Future

Ferns and Cockroaches

35 Comments

We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

My ex-husband was such a snot, he brought everybody down with his relentless negativity. He always assumed the worst and constantly complained that human beings were “messing everything up”. He couldn’t hold a job and didn’t care that our family was running out of money because he was convinced it was only a matter of time before we’d annihilate ourselves as a species.

His crabby doomsaying drove away all my friends and the neighbors would close their windows and draw the shades whenever he went outside. He’d sit on the deck smoking a big fat cigar, flicking ashes into my carefully planted flower beds while he mocked me for the work I put into the landscaping.

“Geraniums are unsustainable,” he said. “Evolution and radioactive mutation will destroy almost all living things. After the big one blows, all that will be left is ferns and giant cockroaches.”

Fortunately, I saw the light and ditched him last winter. Now everything he hated is still here but he’s gone.

He moved out of state and I haven’t heard a thing from him since the divorce. The odd thing is, I can’t keep geraniums alive in that spot by the deck anymore. I plant and water them but they wither and die. And ferns are coming up instead! The neighbors still steer clear of the house and every now and then I hear a strange rustling sound inside the walls.

Either he put some kind of hex on me, or left the house full of bad vibes, or the apocalypse has already occurred an I just don’t know it. And remembering what he said about ferns and cockroaches, I’m terrified whenever I have to fetch something from under the kitchen sink!

Dr. Babooner, can a place be haunted by someone who is still alive?

With Utmost Concern,
Totally Freaked

I told Totally that the only place her ex is capable of haunting is the inside of her head. His apocalyptic visions got lodged in there and simply need to be driven out. My recommendation is to watch Dr. Strangelove a few times and learn to love ferns – they’re really quite beautiful. Although he was wrong about so many things, he’s probably right that ferns will outlast humans on this planet, just as they did the dinosaurs. Think of the ferns as respected elders and plant the geraniums somewhere else this year.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

35 thoughts on “Ferns and Cockroaches”

  1. Good morning. Your marriage is a little like the marriage in the TV mini series Olive Kitteridge staring Frances McDormand. In the story Olive is a very difficult person who has a very forgiving husband. Her husband doesn’t leave her and she does have some good characteristics to go along with her very negative ones that make her difficult to live with.

    I guess it is a good thing that you left your former husband since you don’t mention anything about him that offsets his bad nature unlike the offsetting good aspects of Olive. Olive’s bad nature does have a very negative effect on others in her life haunting them somewhat in the way you are haunted by your former husbands bad nature. I’m not sure you would like the Olive Kitteridge series which is based on a highly praised book, but it might give you some insight into the problems you are having related to your former husband.

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  2. Dear Totally,
    You are asking the wrong question. The real question should be, “how much can I get for this house when I put it on the market?”

    It’s not like you will miss the neighbors.

    Liked by 4 people

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  3. i had an angry woman put a voodoo hex on me 15 years ago and i keep trying to figure out how to undo it. i would like to know how never mind if. just get the damn thing undone. those voodoo people are nothing to mess with.

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  4. on the more positive side i do love ferns. my gardening has become focused on hostas lillies and ferns. my dogs are challenging the bulletproof nature of hostas. they have shown me that hostas can be killed if methodically tormented. ferns seem stronger. maybe the fern garden will be the next pursuit. i have a number of varieties today and could start focusing on rounding up the other desired additions

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    1. I also have some methodically-tormented hostas in my backyard as well. I don’t think they’ll make it through the summer thanks to the puppy. I branched out this year and added a couple of perennials that AREN’T lilies, hostas or peonies. Had a gift certificate for Tangeltown Gardens and splurged on Astilbe (sp?) and Pig Squeak.

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      2. i love astilbes. they need lots of water and do ok in the shade. i have a couple of whites and a couple pinks. the reds are wonderful too.

        if the pigsqueak is what i think it is it comes back after being mowed

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  5. Honey, you have mice! Here is what to do. I think you can find eco-safe foam insulation that can be piped in between your walls like whipped cream. It hardens and then mice can’t live in it, so if you hear rustlings after the insulation goes in, then you need to call in a priest for an exorcism. I would also invest in a couple of cats.

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  6. I will ask at the Arb today when we meet a cousin of Sandy’s.
    In the Olive Kitteridge world, I am Olive; Sandy the patient one.
    My mother used ashes around all her flowers.

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    1. The Fern Fringe Factor Booth was unoccupied today.
      Price of gas both going up and coming back
      Cities; 2.65
      Jordan: 2.65
      Belle Plaine 2.65
      20 miles later in St. Peter: 2.55
      12 miles later in Kato: 2.37

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  7. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    What a pertinent topic. Twice in my life I bought a sage bundle and used it to purge a place of someone else–when my former business partner left her office and now in an AZ condo which we recently visited. Some people are pretty toxic. I don’t know if the sage burning works or not, but it really made me feel better about things. I am glad you left the ex’s Debbie Downer energy behind–he has found a great excuse to deliver him from functioning at all. “Lifes a bitch and then you die.”

    That said, I agree that you may have mice. And…have you updated the soil in your geranium pot? That may be a problem–soil wears out and needs revitalizing. Sometimes a species just will not grow where it once grew with vigor. And if these are your neighbors, what is keeping you in this infested house?

    We have been intermittantly on the road for 10 days. It is good to be home. I visited my mother, now in a Memory Care Facility in Ankeny, Iowa. She is failing rapidly now and I realized we will soon be saying good-bye to her.

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    1. So sorry about your mom! Our indian friends smudge with cedar after a death. Sage, sweetgrass, and cedar may be just what TF needs. There is a great store in Rapid City called Prairie Edge Trading Co. that sells ceremonial herbs, and they have website for online sales.

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      1. They are. I am finding myself very weepy. I don’t think it will happen the next week or several months. But after her birthday in September? Probably. Sigh.

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        3. I don’t know what is worse, waiting for the inevitable or having it happen fast. My mother died quickly and unexpectedly and my dad’s decline was more prolonged.

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      2. This is a difficult path to walk, Jacque. Even with such clear signals and time to prepare, one is never ready. Maybe preparation is the wrong idea – is that even possible? Best wishes for a meaningful time together.

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  8. Morning all. Like Jacque, I advise burning sage. Even if the toxic spirit is only in your head, burning the sage should help that too!

    Then, put a big lounge chair over the spot where your ex used to sit and put the geraniums in a different corner.

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  9. We have a nice patch of ferns in back under a Japanese Maple tree. We will plant three more ostrich ferns this week to supplement the patch. The ferns provide a nice spot for the cat to hide as he observes the birds on the feeders in the maple tree. He has yet to catch any birds there. I am happy to report we had two rose breasted grossbeaks last week. I think they are in migration. We never saw them out here before.

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    1. Yes, in reality this whole post happened because I’m so happy with the ferns by our front door, and wanted to see what Dr. Babooner looked like surrounded by them.

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      1. ferns are wonderful to grab from the roadside and bringhome to stick in the gorund same gay. they will not make it that year but will be back the next in spades then the next and the next. if you decide you dont like them then the problem begins

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  10. Dear Freaked:
    Yes, the “haunting”, as you put it, are negative waves. The ex’s brain is sending out a steady stream of negative energy. Dealing with this situation is easily done by doing what science fiction heroes always have done: reverse polarity. Your positive mental energy will meet the negative somewhere at the state line. The illumination of those cheerful, “Welcome to ____ (fill in your states name here)” is powered by the colliding mental forces of many others in your situation. Your contribution will be appreciated. Hopefully, the ex will stay out of your state because harnessing mental energy at the “Welcome to ____(fill in your city’s name here)” signs sites has proven to be more difficult and a welcome mat at the front door, rarely works. If this becomes the case, consider either a moving company or a restraining order.
    Good Luck to you.
    Dr. Babooner

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    1. So you mean the state doesn’t have to pay anything to light up those signs, as long as happy states border unhappy ones? Lucky us that we’re right by Wisconsin!

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  11. I agree with Jacque – ” And if these are your neighbors, what is keeping you in this infested house?” While you are trying all the worthy suggestions already mentioned, start hunting for another place to live, just incase. Without your wasband’s negativity, you should be able to find something nice with good neighbors. If you decide to stay, approach the neighbors and explain that the Nutcase is gone, see if they’ll come out of their shell.

    Either way you decide to go, I’d get a couple of cats.

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    1. I sure do enjoy the choreography around that microphone. These guys are pros – they smile no matter how gruesome the lyrics may be.

      If Eli Refro worked the mic
      More or less McCoury-like
      He would learn cooperation good.

      Then he wouldn’t be so vile.
      He’d approach the world with style
      And treat his wife the way a fellow should.

      Liked by 5 people

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