News, Poems

Oaf of Office

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Header image via Creative Commons under CC 2.0

Tomorrow, Donald J. Trump will take the oath of office and become the 45th president of the United States.

The official oath is very simple: I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

This could be an awkward moment. Our next president is famous for going off-script.

Actually, that’s a lie. It suggests there’s a script to begin with.

He is known for saying whatever comes to mind. And because his brain is so unique and excellent, he has little experience in following anyone in a repeat-after-me situation. I don’t expect him to be intimidated by the chief justice of the Supreme Court. Trump will want to say it his way.

To offer a little assistance, I’ve re-fashioned the oath into what I think is a passable example of Trump-speak. And it has the added bonus of rhyming, so he could sing it if he wants.

I solemnly swear!
My swears are so solemn
they’re top of the charts
in the solemn swear column

I will execute faithfully
this lofty post.
I’m as faithful as Jesus
and a better Host.

The office of President!
I’m so well suited.
No office will ever be
more executed.

As for my ability,
you be the tester.
when we’re talking ables
nobody’s is bester.

And the Constitution!
You kidding? Forget it!
I’ll preserve and protect that
like someone who’s read it.

I promise this oath
it’s a pledge that I’ve spoken.
I’ll honor it like
all the others I’ve broken.

Wah hoo! Haters? SAD!

How are you at keeping promises?

63 thoughts on “Oaf of Office”

    2. True, Steve, but unless your were at the weddings, how do you know that he actually made any speak-after-me vows? He probably had all that sorted out in the pre-nups.

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  3. I just hope these next four years will go faster than any four years ever and that it won’t be the dumpster fire some of us are anticipating. And your comments about number of marriages and use of what to swear on might just be the key to the faithfulness of what is coming. By the way is anyone watching what is going on in the closer to home state capital/capitols? Some of the bills being introduced into North Dakota are interesting, and in South Dakota we have a legislator who thinks it is fine that he had “romantic” contact with two of his aids because they were over 18. Ethics is what we will be losing and loosing this go-round.

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  4. I’m beginning to know this man. There was a Washington Post article yesterday with a headline something like “When Trump was asked who is his hero, the answer was incredibly strange.” Before reading the piece I took a guess at what was strange. His answer was a typically messy stream of consciousness rant that wandered drunkenly until it ended–just as I had predicted–with his saying that his hero is Donald Trump. He is often called inconsistent, but on one thing he is amazingly consistent: narcissism.

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  5. Great poem, Dale!

    Off topic, today is the final broadcast of The Dakota Dave Hull Show on KFAI, starting at 10 AM. TDDHS has been my methadone for TLGMS withdrawal for quite some time–a mix of old-time blues, bluegrass, folk, early jazz and early country (the kind with yodeling). It wasn’t often easy for me to listen because it was scheduled in the middle of the workday, but KFAI has archives, which I hope they will keep for a good long time.

    This last year has been a good one…for endings, deaths, and losses. I hope my 49th year will be an improvement over my 48th, though with the new President I’m getting for my birthday, I’m dubious.

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    1. The music you enjoy can (mostly) be found on the internet radio station called Folk Alley. The music mix features folk, bluegrass, country and some classic rock. Unlike most shows on The Current, Folk Alley has hosts commenting on the music. Of course, nothing replaces the special culture established by TLGMS (or, I take it, Dakota Dave Hull).

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    4. happy birthday crow girl
      i have been wondering if you were still out there.
      i bet other things will be better as the year goes on.and that this new president will also get worse before the year is out im betting
      enjoy your day

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  6. Rise and Say Whatever, Baboons!

    I am good at keeping promises. If I can’t keep one, I try to let people know I can’t and why I can’t. That said, so what! Compared to a President who is an erratic sociopath, my penchant for keeping promises is not very important and can’t do damage like he could be capable of.

    Tomorrow there will be no live media in my house and I will be knitting pink pussyhats all day for the anti-Trump marches.

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  7. I don’t make promises…’tho I did when I married husband going on 47yr. I’m horribly scatterbrained and forgetful….I’d like to say brilliant with a mind full of grand theory etc….but mostly just a daydreamer. So the promises when I’d do make them are more like scheduled events written down and posted so I don’t forget. I don’t make many of those either.
    I intend to pretend we will have 4 good years with Dump…pardon the miss spelling…Tump…..I can’t say much less write the Pres. Elect’s name….I think I’ll go put my ear plugs and blinders on while I live in Sweden…or Tanzania….or here. I will be sure to keep my tranquilizer supply filled.

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  8. I try to make as few promises as possible. This increases my odds of reaching a 100% success goal. What I will most often tell people is that I can guarantee very little except I will do the best I can at meaning what I say and saying what I mean. (My definition of integrity).

    Chris in Owatonna

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    1. Chris, I think your policy is just right. It’s what I strive for. I’m reluctant to promise specific outcomes, since chance so often affects our results. But if I make a promise I guarantee to make a full effort.

      I find it awkward to respond to people who make far more promises than they keep. It is hard to show gratitude when you’re pretty sure the promise will not be honored.

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  9. Hilarious, Dale. 🙂 Thought that was Schuyler Tyler Wyler (?sp) for a minute there… I am usually very good at keeping promises, though will think on when that wasn’t true.

    I caught parts of Obama’s last press conference yesterday – that and his Farewell Address are in such stark contrast to what is coming, I just want to cry. We’re going Friday night to a People’s Inauguration (another pot luck) – I hope it isn’t a lot of person bashing, but it could be interesting.

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    1. I hope that’s tongue-in-cheek, Clyde? Otherwise I’d say the first part of that statement is a sad one. Hope you were kidding.

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      1. So, BiR, perhaps you broke a promise (first marriage) in order to go back to keeping the more important promise (to stay true to yourself and your ideals).

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  12. A bit related: at 9 tonight on TCM is a not-well-known Jimmy Stewart movie called Magic Town, a light satire on Polling and pollsters. Good movie. Way ahead of its time.

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  13. OMG, Dale — that is so awesome! I almost spit out my soup when I read the headline. Glad to see one of your gleefully sharp blogs again.

    Generally, I do keep my promises to others. When I can’t, I let them know.

    I’m taking tomorrow off to have a couple teeth extracted. Not sure which is worse — tooth extraction or Trump being inaugurated into the highest office of the land. Kind of a toss-up, yeah? Definitely nothing to celebrate tomorrow.

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  14. Afternoon all! I do tend to keep promises, mostly because I like it when promises made TO me are kept. That ole Golden Rule thing.

    But like Chris, I try not to make too many; YA has a razor-sharp memory for promises made by her mother!

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  15. Wonderful to read your work again, Dale. I keep my promises, mostly. In the play therapy room, children often ask me to keep the room just as it is at the end of the session, so that when they return the next week they can start where they left off. I tell them that I would be lying to them if I promised to keep the room as it is, because there are other people who use the room, too. They are disappointed, but children would rather be disappointed by the truth than disappointed by a lie.

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    1. In that same vein, Renee, I yesterday read an interesting article about the role a primary-care doctor can play in a patient’s health. The kind of bond and trust that can develop between primary-care doctors and their patients is much different than the relationship between surgeons and their patients. It’s an article well worth reading. It’s a good but somewhat long article, but well worth the read. He’s making the case that repealing the ACA will be disastrous for Americans. Here’s the link:
      http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/01/23/the-heroism-of-incremental-care

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  16. The strangest promise I ever heard was the wedding vow written by my hunting and fishing buddy’s first wife. In the exchange of vows, she promised to love and cherish him forever OR (if that proved difficult) she would participate in professional counseling before divorcing him.

    Note that I said “first wife.” When she left him, she forgot the part about seeking counseling first!

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  17. It’s such a massive shame that after enduring 8 years of ordering the dropping of the most drone bombs and murdering the most innocent lives, from the most murderous, divisive and destructive president, we get this dick head boob. An arrogant, man-child billionaire. One who will make a mockery of us even further than the obama administration. The last 100 years give or take has seen the rise of the global elite bankster pimps, who are now the most powerful men in the world, controlling and owning their prostitute whores…aka, politicians and the president. We have descended into a Corporatist enterprise built on Global-National Socialist military and economic policies from BOTH parties. Our government is a corrupted, criminal entity that needs to be dismantled piece by piece. And I mean literally.

    trump is a joke. hillary is a very sick women, both mentally and physically. Why were forced to choose between two such pieces of shit? I thought we were a democracy? Oh yeah…right. More like a Plutocracy. Our so-called rep-democracy is nothing but a faux-democracy. 100% bullshit. It is so sad what the US has become…

    https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/7283227/posts/1292590291

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    2. Greetings, Archetype!
      You are welcome to contribute to the Trail. Anyone is. But if you’re paying attention, we don’t do a lot of ranting on the Trail. Ranting tends to stifle conversation and it’s not very satisfying, either for the ranter or the rantee. If I may speak for the whole Trail community, the one thing we value and respond to is conversation.

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  18. Just received an email with this information about a gathering Friday at the Wedge Table:

    “Looking for an opportunity for resistance during the actual inauguration?
    Come to an informal gathering and share readings of inspiration and protest.
    FREE.
    At the Wedge Table community room, 2412 Nicollet Ave, Minneapolis.
    Bring your favorite protest poem, an excerpt from an inspiring speech, or your own short reflection.* (5 minutes max per reading.)
    Come alone, or bring your friends. Stay the whole time, or just drop by. Readings will be interspersed with a few rousing folk/protest songs/chants.
    *Bring a reading that is inspiring or exhortational, non-religious, unifying, in a spirit of concern and love, and not condemnatory. We want to lift each other up as we also face reality. We will also have a few readings available for you to choose from.
    10:30 gather, buy drinks or food from deli if desired.
    11:00 Read and sing
    12:15 cleanup/ Parting conversations
    12:30 end
    There are 30 chairs. Some folks will need to stand or sit on floor if necessary. Please reserve chairs for those who cannot stand – thank you”

    I looked on their website though and it’s not there – might be worth a phone call,

    “Another small act of resistance:
    Drive down the inauguration ratings! Turn on your TV tomorrow to any channel that will NOT be broadcasting the inauguration (comedy Central, anyone?). Leave it on through the entire broadcast. “

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      1. Some friends and I are marching tomorrow at the capital. There will be women’s marches in 50 major cities across the nation to protest this sociopathic man child, and as many as 700,000 in DC alone. It’ll be a lot more entertaining than today.

        I was trying to make big signs for the march tomorrow. Had a little wine. Big mistake! I wrote; “Stonger Together”. Then I wrote “Stronger Togeter”. Worse, I had the back and fronts pointing different ways! My excuse is that it’s hard to spell when trying to do it in 4″ tall letters. Especially with wine in my system. My sign, which I did spell correctly is; “NOT MY PRESIDENT”

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  22. what a day to miss
    dale thank you for poking your head in.
    exceptional stuff we used to take for granted now is like a fine wine
    the taste on my tongue is to be enjoyed.
    i am savoring it

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