72 thoughts on “Humor”

  1. This one has gone viral. I’ve edited it a bit:

    There’s a plane flying high over the desert. But it develops engine trouble, and it’s going down. Unfortunately, there are only four parachutes for five passengers. Dr. Faucci, says, “Many people depend on me to keep them alive.” He grabs a parachute and dives out of the plane. Pope Francis says, “Many people count on me for spiritual leadership.” He grabs a parachute and dives out of the plane. Donald Trump says, “I’m the smartest man in the world and the leader of the greatest nation there ever was.” He grabs a pack, slips his arms into the straps and dives out of the plane. Two people are left, a school kid and an older college professor. The professor says, “I’ve lived a good, long life, son. You can take the final parachute.” The kid replies, “No problem. We have two chutes, so we’re good! The smartest man in the world just strapped himself to my school backpack and jumped off the plane.”

    Liked by 7 people

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  3. RIse and Shine Baboons,

    This is a sexist joke. I will tell it anyway since we all need a laugh.
    Normally I would not. Disapprove if you must.

    Q: What do men and linoleum have in common?

    A: Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.

    Liked by 8 people

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  4. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

    “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

    Liked by 5 people

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  5. I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.” A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

    Liked by 7 people

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  7. I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put on my pants!

    Liked by 5 people

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    2. Should’ve added Ow! And “rubbing his head,” says. . .

      Let’s try this again.

      A man walks into a bar. “Ow!” he says, rubbing the growing bump on his head. “Where the hell did that bar come from?”

      Give me a break, I just made it up . . . unless it’s already a joke and I didn’t know.

      Chris in O-town

      Liked by 3 people

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  11. Q: Which is closer, Florida or the moon?

    A: The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.
    ***********
    My neighbor texted me, “I just made synonym buns!”
    I texted back, “You mean like grammar used to make?” I haven’t heard from her since.
    ************
    This one is especially for vs, the baker:
    Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
    Person 2: How?!
    Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

    Liked by 4 people

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  16. i usedcto have a friend who always wanted the newest best joke and just entered the punchline into the notebook
    got hundreds a week
    he’d start reading back a couple of the ones he liked to pass them on and he’d get laughing so hard
    it was a riot

    Liked by 1 person

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  17. I remember so few jokes, but a few quotes GK would have done on ;his show, like “Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.” Missy Dizick

    Facebook has been wonderful lately, so I’ll keep inserting these, i.e.

    “I can’t go out because of the virus.” sounds weak, whiny, and boring.
    Say instead: “I’ve sworn an oath of solitude until the pestilence is purged from the lands!” …
    (Nephew added, “Banished, for the good of the realm!”)

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. oh ole and lena

      ole and sven go to the dance and sven says hey ole how do you impress them women all the time.
      ole he tells him well sven the trick is you put a potato down your pants that always gets them.
      sven comes back about 30 mintutes later and says . ole its not working.
      ole he says.. no sven you gotta put the potato in the front.

      Liked by 5 people

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  18. A customer was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.

    “What type of pie is Herman’s?” the customer asked.

    “Apple,” was the reply.

    “Then why is it called Herman’s?”

    “Because Herman called in to reserve it.

    Liked by 4 people

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  22. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A fish!!
    ——————-

    I went fishing with Salvador Dali.

    He used a dotted line.

    He caught every other fish.

    Liked by 4 people

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  24. This is true. In Luverne there was a family with the last name of Braa. Charlie Braa was a county or city auditor. He had a sister or sister-in-law named Iona Braa. I can’t think of a more awkward name.

    Liked by 1 person

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  25. The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. So it’s official….,WHO let the dogs out.

    Liked by 8 people

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  26. A mad man pacing back and forth on a bridge shouts ‘THIRTEEN!’ repeatedly. Passersby ignore him but one curious person summons up the courage to ask the mad man what is significant about this number. The mad man surprisingly responds, ‘Come closer and I will tell you.’ The curious pedestrian gets close enough and then the mad man grabs his legs and throws him over the bridge. The mad man thereafter starts shouting ‘FOURTEEN!’

    Liked by 4 people

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  27. OT YouTube channels. YouTube videos can be categorized in many ways. For example, some are musical performance, some are comedic and some are mini-documentaries. A popular and diverse group of videos can be called “restoration videos.” I’ll have more to say about them later. Within the large category of restoration, one wildly popular channel is Baumgartner Restoration, a series of films showing Julien Baumgartner restoring art, usually old paintings.

    Julien has 1.24 million subscribers, people who are passionate about him and his unique job. Julien is an elegant and handsome fellow who talks with clarity and intelligence about his work. Better: you get to see what he is accomplishing as he talks, and many folks find that hypnotic. True fans can’t get enough of this. A recent video ran close to three hours, and many fans wanted it to be longer. For his fans, each appearance of a new Baumgartner video is like a gift from God, the best sort of day possible. They’ll make a ritual of watching it, knowing that they will probably come back over and over. Fans cannot get enough video of Julien cleaning and retouching old masterpieces whose beauty has been ravaged by time.

    I’ve chosen just a simple short video to highlight here. It only hints at the appeals many fans find.

    Many people, I suppose, will never see the appeal of this videos. Others watch them to restore their own souls, savaged by tension and conflict. Julien Baumgartner is supremely confident, orderly, meticulous and professional. He describes an exotic world where he is absolutely sure of what he wants to do. As he talks, we begin to see what professionalism can be, and ultimately he teaches us surprising lessons about how an intelligent person can engage in issues of value, art and ethics.

    Liked by 2 people

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    3. Incredible work. I now understand why it’s so expensive to have an old painting restored. We have several that are in need of that kind of professional attention. Don’t see it in our budget to make sure they get it.

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  28. One more.

    This relatively short video exemplifies the appeal of the cleaning process. The subject matter here is ideal for the “before/after” effect.

    What comes through in Julien’s work is the extremely high level of skill involved and the equally demanding commitment to make the original painting absolutely foremost. Julien doesn’t enjoy criticizing other restorers, dead or alive, but there can be no mistaking his commitment to do whatever he can to restore and preserve the original work of art.

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    1. can you find a picture of the church in italy who had the woman try to help by repainting the fresco to fix the paint that had aged. it ended very badly and fits the joke theme today

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      1. I think this is what you’re thinking of, but seeing it again, I really don’t think this is funny. Not even in retrospect.

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  30. So, there was this elderly couple who went to the grocery store. Hungry they were and with no money, the wife took to putting canned goods and whatnots in her purse and coat. Well, she was caught and had to go to court to account for her actions. The judge shows compassion of the old woman and asked what she took. She replied, “A can of peaches.” Judge commences to sentencing according to the number of peaches in the can. He asks how many were there. She says, “8 peaaches, Your Honor.” Husband in sitting in the courtroom and hears a sentence of 8 days in the can. He then stands ups and says, “Your Honor, she stole a can of peas too.”

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