2020, Business, Family, home, Uncategorized

Anger Management

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Last week, the secretary at my office whose husband’s company did our cement work took the cheque I wrote for the job to our bank to cash it. The bank refused to honor the cheque.  They said that we never wrote cheques of that size, and that it didn’t look like my signature.  They apparently compared it to other cheques I had written. They tried to phone me, but I was busy with clients. I never noticed the calls. Husband had to go to the bank and confirm that the cheque was legitimate.

I don’t know how to feel about this.  If the secretary in question didn’t look really Hispanic, I probably wouldn’t be upset about this. Ruby said that the teller was condescending and rude.  I appreciate that the bank is looking our for my interests, but really!  Ruby’s husband, an immigrant from Mexico, came up with excuses for the bank, but I still am upset.

How do you manage your anger? 

44 thoughts on “Anger Management”

  1. Rise and Shine Baboons,

    I love the header picture. The bird may not feel angry at all, but it sure portrays human anger.

    This morning I handled my anger at Sen. Lindsay Graham by saying to my Google Speaker “Shut the F*** Up!” It is useless to get caught in that anger, although it fits the facts, so I am writing this reply, instead. When I have a weather change migraine, I do not manage my anger well at all. The pain causes my fuse to be short. Poor Lou, and his hearing loss combined with a lousy pair of hearing aids, gets the brunt of that.

    Recently, at work, our internet had been working erratically. Tracy called Mediacom, and when the repair guy arrived and she told him the problem, he told her to quit whining in front of the bookkeeper and the biller. When I heard about it, I was furious. MEDIACOM gives the worst service ever. I took my anger and recommended a change in providers. It took a lot of time on the phone waiting in a queue, but MEDIACOM, THE WORST PROVIDER EVER, got themselves fired. So I am handling that particular anger by telling you the story online. In this case revenge is a dish best served cold.

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  2. I yell and scream a lot while driving with the windows closed. Also, being alone/out of earshot of other golfers on the golf course is a great way to vent. Bottled up anger from all cumulative sources usually gets purged by those two methods. 😉

    Chris in O-town

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      1. I hate to admit it, but I’ve thrown clubs in the past, and also slammed them against my golf bag. I stopped when I broke my three-wood and it cost me about $150 to fix. 😦 I’ll whack a club at the ground once in a while, but never hard enough to break the club. Golf’s funny that way. You can hit a bunch of good and great shots and just take it in stride. But hit one bad shot, and a lot of guys go ballistic. Of course, one has to be a bit crazy to play the game in the first place, so it’s understandable.

        Golf is expensive enough without adding to the cost through stupidity.

        Chris

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  3. I think part of this problem is that we have been customers of this bank for 30 years. It is a locally a owned bank. We all know eachother. I wonder if something like this would have happened in a large city.

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    1. It would not happen in Mankato. Banks fighting for business and lots of Hispanics living here. Or if it did, the teller would be gone.
      A local bank where you know everyone is worth forgiving some things for. There are no local banks here anymore. They just keep getting bought out by bigger and more impersonal banks. When we moved to Two Harbors and Sandy went in to change her drivers license, the clerk told her she would like it here because there were no______. I will let you fill in the word. I could see that happening today in some rural court houses.
      And to change banks is such a pain when you are retired. Changing our four monthly auto deposits, two from SS, is such a pain. you have to time it right to make sure the deposits make it in. And then we have 6 auto withdrawals. Easier, but still a pain.
      Old age and lots of worries drain the anger from me except in rare instances. Last night was one. A brief angry outburst and I was done. I sort out what is worth my emotional energy and find little that makes me angry is worth it. Or I shut things out.

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      1. Once a dozen years ago when biking through a favorite residential neighborhood, I found a check book on the street. One name had three longish Hispanic parts.. Address was two blocks away. I knocked on the door. An Hispanic woman holding a beautiful little girl answered. Before I spoke she noticed what Was holding and hollered, with no accent, into the house for the middle of the names to come because he had dropped his checkbook again. The man, who gave his good looks to the little girl, came sheepishly to the door and thanked me. She was teasing him. We had a brief conversation, he too had ho accent. Around here Hispanic people having been living for a generation or two to grow up as Americans.

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        1. As a person who speaks with an accent, albeit not a very pronounced one – I don’t think, I’m wondering why you’re emphasizing the lack of accent? In my experience, an accent is not indicative of any kind of inferiority, but merely a remnant from somewhere else in the past.

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        2. We also have Somalis and Ethiopians who have grown up here. It is fun to watch them Americanize. In their case dress is the big indicator. The boys dress like any other boy here. The girls keep their native garb up into their teens then slowly change into the clothes of their white classmates piece by piece. Some keep the headdress, some do not. I am amazed by the journey they have taken, the huge leap of culture, language, technology, appliances, etc. There is low income housing next to us from which I can watch, and in their late teens they work in grocery stores, fast food, places, and such. It is that extreme socialization they go through that intrigues me.
          As for the accents. As a linguist, which is what my BS degree says, I pay attention to accents as a part of my fascination with languages. And for them accents often tell how long they have been here. I wonder too about their Americanization, what the process is like, why they lose it when their parents have a strong influence. It says something about the power of their peers. I regret the lose of accents. Glad you still have one. But they come here for the economic gain and the American culture comes with it. I suspect losing the accent makes them more accepted, as it always has here. I went to the door with the checkbook wondering how much English they had, what with his beautiful Spanish polysyllabic three names on his checkbook and met a very American family. I ran into her a couple years ago. She is a social worker for the county often using her Spanish on the job.
          I wonder how long they will retain other aspects of their culture, the color, the strong sense of family.
          It is such a human story, which has happened for thousands of years all over the world, the merging into another culture.
          As a child I knew many older people with varying degrees of accents, Swedish, Norwegian, Finnish. It was a large part of what made me the person I am. And the interests I retain.

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      2. Agree about changing banks – we dumped Wells Fargo a couple of years ago after their shenanigans, moved to a local Affinity Credit Union, and have been much more satisfied. But even that is statewide, I see, and has its moments.

        Good plan, sorting out what’s worth the energy.

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  4. When fighting with someone close to me, I get snippy first, and then have been known to yell and slam doors. I’d like to do more of taking deep breaths, and sort out whether it’s worth the energy.

    The kind of anger at what’s gone on for the last four years at the White House is hard, because it just simmers on the back burner, and it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it. Till voting.

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  5. I have a rather short fuse but it is also short lived. Like Chris, I do my yelling or swearing in the car with windows closed or at home (I live alone). I try very hard not to drop an F-bomb or s*** within hearing of others unless in the company of like-minded friends/family. I have been known to slam a car door or throw whatever I am carrying into the condo once the door is open – not breakables, though. I used to slam golf clubs on the ground after a bad shot but these days my golf buddies and I usually just laugh – we don’t even keep score anymore. One thing I do have a hard time letting go of is a grudge – not proud of that.

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        4. I’d say that if you like bowling without keeping score, and you’re still having a good time, go for it. Personally, I like to have some measure of how well (or how poorly) I did. I’m usually competing against myself in whatever sport I’m participating in. That’s possibly why I’ve never been a superstar in anything I’ve done. I have good days and bad days, but I’ll never forget the evening when I was in the zone and bowled an almost perfect game. My “normal” average was about 130, so that’ll give you some idea.

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  6. there are times (this would be one of them) when i don’t try to suppress my anger.

    i tell my kids to pay attention to the things i do wrong . some of my best lessons are found there. getting angry at situation where reasons for anger exist is a thing i’ve taught my children is worth the extra time energy and blood pressure invested. what was the comment about getting arrested for the right reasons senator john lewis was remembered for, me and anger are similar. some people are just wrong for all the wrong reasons.
    i try to remember my 90 year old mom when dealing with people who i should be patient with. i think of others when dealing with ignorant pigs who need to be pointed at .

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  7. Allow me to make a suggestion, Renee, on how you may be able to channel your anger in a productive way.

    Since you’re dealing with a small, locally owned bank where you have been a customer for a long time, surely you have some clout. Make an appointment with some management person at the bank and tell them about your concern. Tell them about your conflicting emotions: on one hand you appreciate that they’re looking out for your interests, but also your concern that this incident may be rooted in racial profiling. You might want to emphasize that you’re not trying to cause trouble or get anyone fired, but you’d like them to be aware that perhaps they need to take a look at their internal procedures for how to handle this kind of situation to be sure that it doesn’t happen again. In the alternative, and this may, in fact, be more effective, write them a letter explaining the situation and where you’re coming from.

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  8. Hi-
    I ike to think I’ve gotten less angry over the years. I know I was an “angry young youth”. And I got that from my Dad; I saw him get mad at neighbors when their cattle were out or salesman or anyone doing something wrong. Yell first, apologize later. So that’s how I learned it.
    I have learned it’s not always wise to come in hot and heavy right off the bat.
    Now, that I’ve said that, I know there are days I have no patience and the fuse is short. And in the wrong place at the wrong time will set me off. I’ve talked here before of my eyes popping out of my head and smoke coming out of my ears. And spittle flying. It happens.

    I hate jumping to conclusions. I feel like I don’t have enough information on your bank situation; has that happen before to your secretary? Did the teller know them? Does the teller know you?
    I don’t want to make too many excuses for the bank, I just like to know all the facts first.

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  11. Daughter gets mad. While chronologically she’s 25, her special needs make her about 16 emotionally. So she’s right in those teenage girl years. Rolls her eyes, stomps off, slams her door. But then it blows over quick and she’ll come back and apologize. And because “quiet” has never been part of her M.O., while she’s back there in her room she’s got a lot to say, out loud, about mom and dad.
    And to me, you never talked back to you parents so I have a hard time with that and I really have to work hard to ‘let it go’ when she’s talking about me. I mean, of course we all talked about our parents, but we did it quietly in our heads or outside where we don’t think they could hear us. Kelly finds it all fascinating to learn what she’s mad about. And part of me doesn’t want to know.
    It’s interesting.

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    1. It can be very enlightening to communicate with someone devoid of what most of us consider “normal” filters. Hope your daughter progresses to an emotional stage past sixteen, Ben; that has got be exhausting. We all know how challenging the teen-age years can be. In fairness, I’m guessing that it may be beyond her control to stifle those outbursts. I think Kelly’s reasoning makes sense and may even be helpful in avoiding future outbursts. That said, I can only imagine what it must be like, day in and day out, living with that. From the impression I get from what you write on the trail, I think both you and Kelly are doing a marvelous job of parenting a special needs daughter. Families are often messy affairs, no matter how loving; give yourself a lot of credit for doing the best you can in a challenging situation.

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      1. That’s very nice of you to say, Thank you. She’s honestly a pretty good kid. The biggest issue is she and I are too much a like. Like, eerily so. That apple did not fall far from this tree.
        Which is good and bad. We both get over being mad quick.

        I’ve always thought her ‘stages’ last twice as long as ‘normal’… and she’s been in this one a few years… so, I expect a few more to go. But it could be worse; She hasn’t gotten interested in boys yet!

        We hear stories from the moms of some of the other special needs kids from her cheerleading troupe; we got nothing to complain about!

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  12. The moments that make me swallow my anger, like Ben. I make bread rolls for Sandy a couple times a week. One of the few things she does not get sick on, especially for a bread. I make them early, before she keeps up. Today she got up as I was forming and baking the rolls. As I took the rolls out she said “those aren’t ready to come out.” So to humor her I Put them back in the oven for a couple Minutes. Then I took them out and asked her what she thought. She said with sone disgust in her voice, “how would I know that?” Like an idiot, I should have learned by now, I told her that two minutes ago she said they were not done. I got a brief angry lecture for that. I am sure she things I am the one with dementia.
    After I take the rolls out, I put butter on the rolls, which makes them look much browner. A couple minutes after I was done, she told me that they looked overdone.

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    2. Clyde, that’s so, so tough and you have my deepest empathy. Erratic behavior is tough to deal with, and when you know it’s coming from an impaired person, you feel like you should be able to deal with it. Hurtful things that are said hurt. There’s just no way around it, and it doesn’t matter who said them. Hang in there, my friend.

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  14. Perhaps a little OT – but not completely, if you read between the lines.

    Today is husband’s birthday. It’s a birthday that he shares with his best friend, Jon, who died last year on September 25th. For many years we celebrated their birthdays by going out to dinner together. Last year was too close to Jon’s death to really contemplate doing that, but today felt as if something was missing.

    This afternoon, we visited Jon at Lakewood Cemetery and spent a little time contemplating the peaceful surroundings in which he’s now interred. Large flocks of Canada geese were meandering all over the place, and the setting was truly peaceful and serene. I trust that he’s resting peacefully.

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