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Party Pooper

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A statement from Congressman Loomis Beechly regarding the November election and the Tea Party:

Greetings Constituents, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for not coming up with a Tea Party candidate to challenge me this year. Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state – is known for a fiercely independent streak and a willingness to throw caution to the prevailing northwesterly wind just to “see what will happen”. That’s a wonderful, adventurous quality for any group to share, and it keeps me awake at night.

As I watch what is unfolding in other places I’m appalled to see that people with little more qualification than the ability to carry an enormous chip on their shoulder are running and defeating incumbents in primary battles. Back when I first ran for office, it wasn’t so easy to take an election. For one thing, I didn’t have ME to run against! If I could have gained traction by just NOT being my opponent and NOT being part of the “establishment”, it would have saved me a lot of money and several ruined pairs of loafers that were sacrificed to cattail marshes when I went door knocking on houseboats.

And yet today’s upstart Tea Partiers still seem angry, even after they win! They’re ungrateful for how easy we’ve made it for them. They think political success is nothing more than a Beach Boys lyric – catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world! But there is so much more to public service than that. To survive you have to be able to catch a wave headed into shore, sit on top of the world for a short while, then catch another wave headed out, then switch to a sideways wave, get wiped out, swallow a whole bunch of awful tasting junk, almost have your head taken off by your board and come up spluttering that you meant to do it all along and make people BELIEVE you.

That takes political talent, and I don’t think these Tea Party People have it.

You have to be able to get all the nuances right, like casually messing up your opponents’ name to belittle him without actually saying out loud that you think he doesn’t matter. That’s an under-the-radar technique I learned from watching a great President, BLJ. A lot of today’s Pea Tartiers are too young to remember him.

And another thing – don’t be too honest. This isn’t Facebook and not everybody needs to know your status all the time. A little mystery is a good thing in romance and politics. If you liked to hang out with vampires when you were a teenager, that doesn’t make you a bad person, but it is also not a picture I want to have in my head when I go to the polls. Remember, all politicians are expected to kiss babies, but no one is likely to hand their precious bundle over to a candidate with blood dripping from her pointy fangs, even if she has pledged not to raise taxes.

Find a way to accuse your opponent of horrible acts without assuming any accountability yourself. Guilt by association works, and if that association can be with unnamed mythical characters who are widely regarded as evil, all the better.

Seeming to give advice to your adversaries is another subtle way to plant the idea in the public mind that you have the exalted status of teacher while your competitors are mere novices. People will forget the details of what you said but will remember the dynamics of the relationship, so move to the high ground as quickly as possible. Just be sure your advice isn’t very useful.

Right now it looks like I’m running unopposed, but the 9th district being what it is, an unanticipated write-in campaign can surface very, very quickly, just like the Loch Ness Monster. If you are already planning to vote for me in November, thanks for your support. And if you are undecided or opposed, I respect you, and I have an amazing timeshare deal in Phoenix you should definitely check out at a special all-day on-site sale-a-bration this November 2nd.

Sincerely,

The Right Honorable Loomis Beechly
Congressman
Minnesota’s 9th District

Are you the sort of person who gives advice?

39 thoughts on “Party Pooper”

  2. Rise and Droop she cried groggily with a headache triggered by the change in weather!

    Unfortunately, I am the kind of person who gives advice a lot. Usually it is about how to care for oneself after an episode of depression. Depressed people frequently don’t want to hear advice, especially teen aged depressed people. Their irritability interferes with willingness. So sometimes they have to suffer awhile until they are ready to seek help.

    My advice about that: be prepared to listen awhile and watch the symptoms emerge until the person is miserable enough to say “I’m ready.”

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    1. Jacque, that must be a very difficult thing – to watch someone suffer, knowing they’re not able to accept help right then.
      Are daily weather changes headache-inducing, or is it seasonal? Perhaps we should call Wednesday the Autumnal Migraine.

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      1. Always worst in Spring and Fall — research says it is barometric pressure changes or temperature changes greater than 9 degrees. Weird, huh? It has become worse as I age (just like my joints. Maybe there are brain joints or something!)

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  3. Jacque, we are too alike for words! I, too, get those headaches when the weather is changing, the air pressure is low, or hwat ever the cause is. Do your teeth hurt from sinus presure,sometimes, too? I also have to give advice to people who often aren’t ready to take it, mostly about child rearing. Luckily, I ofen find that children will do what they need to to get the adults to do what they need to do. Sometimes what the kids do is pretty extreme.

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      2. i find one sine aid or the equivalent is all the reminder my body needs to figure it out for itself from there on. i hate headaches.
        glad to see you are back clyde. made it through the onslaught huh

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  4. Morning–
    Just a light drizzle out there for me this morning… I guess I better be thankful for the arthritis in my knees vs. arthritis in my head. Sorry for you Jacque and Renee!

    I don’t tend to offer unless I’m asked… at least most of the time. Sometimes talking with students I’ll talk in rather general terms about life– I try to phrase it so they come up with the answer rather than me saying “Here’s what you should do–”
    Should that work Jacque?? I’m a good one for pointing out the pros and cons and it would seem to me from there they need to make the decision… or not…

    We’re dealing with a family member that’s had a tough time this year… and we are giving that person some advice; Mostly that they still have to respect themselves and keep their head up. But we cant’ make them listen either can we?

    Have a good day!

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  5. Yes. But it doesn’t really count because no one listens to me. I am the proverbial tree in the forest clapping with one hand.

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  6. I’m in a motel “Business Center” for a minute or two in San Diego. Must share in a minute. Wedding went well. Wonderful in fact despite a very difficult maid of honor. Will give details later in the week if you want. Key ones–everyone had fun and evening was perfect–outdoors in Balboa Park (no bugs, 65) until midnight.

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    4. Everybody else but my wife and I went to Disneyland today; my fm would not handle it. My fm did not really handle all the wedding stuff. Bride and Groom and my daughter’s family are there together. But it was all very nicely done. The surrounding was exactly them: a colorful courtayrd sorrounded by art and craft sdops lit up by strings of light.
      I guess Sandy and I will wander over to Old Town for awhile, just a mile away.

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    5. Congrats Clyde. I for one, would love to read/hear the MOH story. I think wedding stories are fascinating. The weddings people choose to have and the stuff that happens around them are pretty interesting (at least interesting to me). This must have been a MOH-zilla instead of the usual “Bridezilla.”

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  7. Oh Dear, I mostly dispense unsolicited advice to Husband, who usually doesn’t hear it, and my mom, who usually does.

    Oddly enough, I’ve become a sort of ad hoc counselor for several people, and am sometimes asked to provide more advice than I have stashed away.

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  8. My daughter is determined to not follow in the family footsteps of psychology/counseling, and is very frustrated when her friends ask her for advice and come to her for help with their psychology class homework. “It’s not genetic!” is her cry, and I truly hope for her sake she does find a different path than the rest of us. I was dumbstruck the other day when my daughter-in-law, a Communications and Print Journalism graduate, asked what I thought if she pursued a masters degree in social work. She is a data base manager for a state-wide crisis information and referral phone service and has been entranced by the inservices she has attended on crisis counseling. I told her that if it really floated her boat, go for it. Why are people always asking me for advice?

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  9. I am an advice giver, though I usually try to wait until asked (unless it’s Husband or Daughter – they get it unsolicited from time-to-time, a “benefit” of having me around). I, like Ben, try to keep things open-ended so the advice receiver can make a choice for themselves. Sometimes with more success than others. (I was told once by a friend that I had the same quirk that my mother has of tilting my head to one side slightly and lowering my voice a bit when providing counsel…I should not be surprised, I suppose.)

    Sorry to hear about those with weather-related headaches. Thus far I’m only in the “aching joints” camp, and that is relatively easy by comparison.

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  10. Struggling to come out of lurkitude here…

    I used to give advice more when I used to be smarter. With each passing day I’m certain of slightly less than I was the day before. I don’t know why this is so. I only know that I’ve become more cautious and reticent over time. That said, I would advise Congressman Beechly not to let his guard down, even though it appears he is running unopposed. You never know what might happen – after all, Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura once… I’m still embarrassed about that.

    I too suffer from severe headaches that seem to coincide with weather changes. These can be paralyzing in the early morning hours. My sympathies to the others who struggle with this.

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    1. Me, too Krista, as I age, I realize I am really not wise enough to adise anyone. So why is it that just as I realize that, my kids start asking?
      Watched a Japanese couple in the motel lobby this morning take a cup of waffle mix and try to eat it. Their faces were wonderful. Another person (see I do not give advice) tried to help them make waffles but the Japanese women would not let the waffle iron stay turend over or wait for the bell to tell her it was done. So they ended up with a mess–half-cooked mess and ate it. I can imagine what they will tell back home. And how stupid could I look in Japan?

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  11. Oh you wonderful holders-until-asked-givers-of-advice, how I wish I were more like you! I leap way too often to the assumption that because someone wants to talk about something, surely they must be asking for advice.

    Working on my listening skills.

    I get the sinus thing too-then I neither listen nor give advice, I just endure until I can get back to my cave.

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  12. Having watched the CNN headline news, I see that the NJ Tea Party candidate, if I got it right who she is, has dabbled in being a witch. So, Congressman, you could try a little voodoo or maybe some shaman of some culture. Not advice; just a suggestion.
    Watched CNN Headline news, which is all about badly-behaved stars, while eating a motel lobby free breakfast right beside I-5 in Sand Diego–I am out of my element and living in plastic land. Last night we were all having a late evening snack of cheese and crackers in the lobby; only ones in the lobby besides the clerk. I turned off the TV above us. The clerk stormed over and bellered it’s a rule that the TV has to be on and at full volume all of the time.

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    2. Is this the candidate from Delaware who opposes all types of sexual activity? If so you might like to hear the “Wait, Wait” Podcast. They had a field day at the beginning of the show about her! Obama does not provide much comic relief in this political era. But the TEA PARTY IS PRICELESS!

      My son is planning to attend the Stewart/Colbert Washington Rally for moderates. Cannot wait to hear about that. They plan to be finished with the rally by 6:00pm because they need to be home with their families. I’ll have to tune into the Daily Show to hear more. I’ve tuned out of most summer politics because it is so crazy, but this rally might be worth my attention and provide comic relief.

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  13. Given my own experience with giving advice to myself, I choose to follow the Hippocratic Oath when it comes to advising others. First, do no harm…

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  15. i think congressman should prepare just in case a teaparty candidate does try to walk across the water to his district. start finding dirt. it will be so late in the race there will be no time for fact checking. remember the mantra, god good, aliens bad, abortions and taxes never never. mom and apple pie hey. gotta love america. but don’t try to get it to pay for anything unless you can label it a usuary fee. the 4 billion should be paid somehow but i don’t want to tax anyone in a recession. maybe if we open marijuana medical cafes and casinos we can get some new dollars and collect fares for breathing. if thats not enough we could have brett favre submit a loser fee and get back half of his 20 million, and the twins should be willing to take up a collection for the pawlenty regime. they built the new stadium and are responsible for the twins stellar this year right?
    i think jessie ventura is lurking to wait until the last minute to announce his candidate status now that his family is all in his corner. he could run as a double d bra and wallow in religion for the weak minded lutherens out there that he loves so much.
    and start accusing someone for stuff congressman beechly. there must be someone to blame cmon. isn’t michelle bachman pretty? gotta vote for her. she and anita bryant are my kinda babes. hot and anti queer and all that good tea party stuff. go congressman find a villian and have a blast.

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    2. Anita Bryant — now there is a blast from the past.

      I call the “girls” of her ilk — Michele Bachman, Sarah Palin, the new nut from Delaware — the Mean Girls of politics. If they win big we will all be living in the world of 8th grade girls again. Cliques, backstabbing, telling people off, popularity contests, etc. It was bad enough the first time in the real 8th grade.

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