Dear Dr. Babooner,
Thanksgiving was a little tense this year because some relative I won’t identify saw fit to “leak” a large number of confidential text messages that I had written regarding certain specific personalities and delicate situations inside the family circle.
Dr. Babooner, I’m appalled at this betrayal of trust!
When I called Aunt Julia as “fat as a beer swilling Sasquatch” and said that my sweet little nephew Mikey will probably wind up on death row someday and observed that cousin Oswald “has sex appeal, but not to members of our species,” I was not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings! Rather, I was attempting to paint an accurate picture of our real-life family dynamic. And why? To make getting along with others a simpler task for others who are, frankly, inept when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
I should have known that these unnamed people (OK, person) were (was), in fact, so totally clueless about relationships that they (Uncle Louie) would not see the harm in releasing these very sensitive, intensely private communiqués as “interesting reading”. But even in my most cynical dreams I could not have imagined that he would print my words on tiny Post-It notes and stick these notes to the backs of the name cards I propped up against each plate at the Thanksgiving table.
That’s reverse diplomacy – targeting destructive messages for certain audiences with intent to destabilize the balance of power. And I thought my Uncle Louie understood that! I’m not saying Uncle Louie did it. Only that Uncle Louie is exactly the sort who would try to explain it all away with a stupidly earnest cliché like “the truth will set you free.”
That’s false. Now that the truth is out, I do not feel liberated. In my opinion, real freedom happens when everyone can stick to the same comfortable lies that make it possible for us to all get along.
Now just about everyone in the family wants an apology from me before we can get together for the next holiday. I will make the necessary gesture, Dr. Babooner, by putting a personal note inside a select group of Christmas cards. But can I also take advantage of this opportunity to defend myself by placing some of the blame where it so clearly belongs?
People already know I’m a loose cannon. What could it hurt?
Sincerely,
Honest 2 A Fault
I told H2aF that she (he) would be wise to treat every apology as a stand-alone event, and not to clutter it up with extra accusations. Putting your note of remorse inside a Christmas card is bad enough, but weighing it down with snarky comments about Uncle Louie is unforgiveable, even if he is a dirty, thieving leaker.
Diplomacy demands restraint on the public side of the curtain, and frankness on the other. Earnestness on the surface, and dark humor on the backside. Take your lumps, you whiney coward!
I mean, be brave.
But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?
Trail Baboon 
Morning all… had to take my mom to the airport early this morning, so am up and about even earlier than usual.
When I was little, my mother was a big proponent of the “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” school. I think this applies here (& elsewhere in the nation this week). Why put any of this kind of thing in writing in the first place? Once it’s on paper, it’s not a secret any longer, no matter where you stash it!
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My thought exactly, Sherrilee!
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hey cynthias back. welcome
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Dear H2aF,
Oh, my. H2aF, you have forgotten the rules of the “party line,” that fabulously informative yet unacknowledged source of delicious gossip. Here they are, directly from the 1950’s, pearls from Grandma’s lips:
1. You don’t listen to the conversations of the neighbors on the party line.
2. Should you happen to pick up the phone to call someone then find it in use by one of the above mentioned neighbors, quietly replace the headset on the cradle.
3. Should you happen to hear anything really interesting while trying to use the phone, quietly tell Grandma.
4. Grandma will let the appropriate people know what they need to know.
5. Remember that this is a party line and someone may be listening to what you say, so please use Grandma’s party line code if you need to tell anyone anything really important and interesting. Example:
“Uncle Chip is sick this morning after returning home late last night from a meeting with Reverend Smith.” Translation: “Uncle Chip was out late on a toot and the cops brought him home drunk.”
6. Your Uncle Samuel can show you how to remove and replace the headset on the cradle very quietly so that when you don’t listen on the party line, no one knows it is you.
7. Only listen in when no one else is in the house, otherwise the background noise tips off the one talking on the phone.
8. We don’t listen to the conversations of our neighbor’s on the party line. When we pass on what we did not hear or say, we only tell the people who know the rules.
H2aF you now must rebuild your reputation. You now own the moniker “ruthless and judgmental gossip-monger.” Your beloved family may be a bit reluctant to share confidences now, so this won’t be an issue until the next planned family holiday. No one will tell you anything which should give you time to write and rehearse your apology and the description of how devastated you are by Uncle Louie’s innocent note passing.
Best Wishes,
Dr. B
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i remember the party lines up at my grandfathers and how unique that was. he never explained the rules ike your grandmother was good enough to do. is it possible to start a little reverse gossip that would make the gossip line get restarted in a different direction and take the finger pointing away from your embarrassed brow? aunt julia mikey and oswald and of course uncle louie sound like wonderful candidates for a reverse smear campaign. this could be fun.
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There were definitely reverse campaigns and planted information, especially at the time of day certain neighbors might be likely to be listening. Very strategic!
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i think nibby-nosed comments (what my friend, Sue, called them) have their place, but not on paper or in emails or on a phone. face to face gossip and only between two (never three or more) trusted friends. i grew up in a small town and learned how quickly any secret (or even speculated factoids) get spread around. life is a small town. watch it, H2aF.
a good and gracious morning to You All
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Speaking of small towns… any Sugar updates? It’s the Blackhoof version of Peyton Place!
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Goatshed Place
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Sugar is home, relaxing and getting in the mood. think you were right, Sherrilee – she just didn’t like it here so we’re trying for a speed date this time.
we miss Sugar – she was so sweet (just in case this gets leaked to Sugar 🙂
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gotta love “nibby-nosed”
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Dear H2aF,
Everyone will just have to try to remember that old saying “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never kill me”. My Dad put it another way, “they can say what they want, I don’t care”.
Of course, some problems can be created by revealing information that is not supose to be out in the public. What did you inculde in those notes? Maybe you should protect yourself by moving to Switzerland. You could be declared a terrorist and arrested. They might even send a hit squad out after you.
Also, if you are planning on doing more gossiping, you should keep in mind the advice from Dr. Jacque’s Grandma.
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do they have any good seed organizations in switzerland?
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Seedy people are found everywhere.
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Good morning. I wrote an incendiary rant and then didn’t post it. I much prefer Jacque’s reasonable guidelines. Actually, I shocked myself with my own intolerance for anonymous, hypocritical snark. Criticize someone, if you must, by doing it gently, candidly and face-to-face. When you talk about someone behind their back, speak well of them or keep your mouth shut. The world doesn’t need more people who point out faults in others; we’ve got quite a good supply of them. The world needs more folks who find goodness and strength and humanity in those not generally thought to have them.
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cmom bring on the rant
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i find it incredible that there is a problem with publishing information that is out there. if i said it even in jest i can only be so upset that it came to the surface. if i just happen to bomb the family reunion and a number of women and children and elderly happen to die, isn’t it ok to put the video on you tube? a little embarrassing but what the heck. uncle louie needs a hug, he had a childhood of being misunderstood and longs for acceptance.
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Well, I think we should have freedom of speech, but please don’t express yourself by using a bomb.
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tell uncle sam
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I heartily agree with Sherrilee that such things should never be committed to paper. They should further never be sent in an email, which has an even greater potential for going viral and infecting the whole family. I’d also caution you, H2aF, to never ever post something on a blog you think only your friends read.
H2aF, I think this is your golden opportunity to “do the holidays” elsewhere. Let your family rake you over the coals in your absence and get it out of their systems. In light of Steve’s recommendation, I suggest you hole up someplace that will perhaps give you a kinder outlook on the “truth”,
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This might work. A three week vacation in Saudi Arabia over Christmas might do it. Enjoy.
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that is one part of the world i really want to visit but havn’t gotten to yet. looking forward to it. bethlahem and jerusalum are just around the corner. did you ever see the pbe show about waking the bible. it was fasinating
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I think the best way is to say nothing. My father’s family tended to say what they thought directly and honestly, which is probably why my great-uncles Herman and Albert exchanged gunshots with one another, and my great-aunts Amelia and Annie got into a hair-pulling screaming fight in a ditch.
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Such an image that is.
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Yes, and to think that many of them lived in Iowa!
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done with the flu?
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Yes, thank you. I am going to work today and feel much better.
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I take it these were not Norwegians? Not saying anything comes naturally to most of the Norwegians I know-also a lot of the northern Germans in my experience.
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No, these are Frieslanders. They are an ethnic minority from the northern Netherlands/northwestern Germany. The Frieslanders were the last people in Europe to be evangelized. Too stubborn by half!
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Are they also the folks responsible for the beautiful Freisian horses?
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responsible for scooping up after them.
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Yes, both the horses and the black and white dairy cows.
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My Dad’s family was from Friesland and some of the Dutch people in Hollandale, MN are from there. I more or less ageree with the “too stubborn by half” statement. As we all know, there are all kinds of people every place in the world and we should remember that when tallking about any group of people. However, it is interesting to to notice the tendencies of “ethnic” groupings as long it is done with “tounge in cheek”.
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clyde, i was getting caught up on last weeks blogs i missed when i was so busy and saw you unearthed the mark twain paper. i would love to see a copy when you get a chance to copy it.
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fax easier?
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tim . . . we are working on that. MIG gets it. She passes it to me. I can pass it to you. And I haven’t forgotten you get the sex book next.
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thanks i didn’t know he was mailing the original.
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tim, I have the copy Clyde sent to me. I am bringing it to BBC (even if I have to snowshoe to Steve’s which is not as heroic as it sounds. If I get to the top of the hill on Randolph, I can stop for a sustaining cup of joe, and then it is a downhill slide all the way from there).
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We want to be accurate when dealing with people. Misjudging them can lead to all kinds of pain, one way or the other. But I don’t see a lot of value in becoming an expert on people’s weaknesses and flaws. Those are usually easy to see, and people seem eager to volunteer to point them out. A more appealing game to me is to study people to find the ways they are beautiful, strong and kind but are not generally recognized for that. And when you see that, there is no reason to keep it a secret.
I can appreciate the joke in the Alice Longworth Roosevelt quote: “If you have something bad to say about somebody else . . . come sit by me!” But she had the money and the panache to bring that off. I’d rather be the one who finds unappreciated glories in my friends. Either way, it is important to be right so people don’t surprised us by being better or worse than we expected. There is much to be said for keeping quiet about people’s faults and speaking up when you catch them being good.
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I think it was Alice Roosevelt Longworth. Teddy’s oldest kid and a Washington wit.
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my moms family is sick in the way the tell stories on others and take delight in finding a new gem of rumormill smut to feast on. we hung out there on holidays when i was a kid and it was tough, we stopped and now my own hands on dysfunctional family is perfect as holiday mates.
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how nice the world would be. it would be like sitting by a warm fire instead of a shock therapy ward.
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Steve, I really like your theory about catching people being good. If everyone could just keep that in mind and practice it even once in a while, we’d all be better off. If we all just try to be the best that we can as often as we can and catch and acknowledge others doing the same, we could see the compound interest effect of human behavior.
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Thanks Caroline. The theory has excellent applicability to child rearing. And like most of what I knew about being a good dad went back to my failures and successes at training dogs. That is where I met the concept of “catch them doing something right.”
You add a lovely twist with the notion of “compound interest” effect. Nice touch!
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Oops, maybe that should be “baboon behavior”.
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Maybe an example will help. Being a writer makes me sensitive to language, and that helps me see interesting things about people. I have a friend who always says “I” when talking about doing something stupid or lazy. When she talks about doing acts of charity or kindness, she invariably says “we” did these things. In other words, in a subtle way, she embraces “credit” for doing wrong or stupid things and deflects credit for acts of charity and consideration. I suppose that could be a sign of low self-esteem, but it is not in this case. My friend is totally unaware of doing this. This is just a tiny window on a personality that is naturally modest and generous.
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very nice observation
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Here’s the other bit that makes me shake my head. A little disingenous for Aunt Julia and nephew Mikey to get their shorts in a bunch… it’s not like they are pure are the driven snow.
Same goes for governments. Why get all upset about our secret stuff …. not like anybody else’s secret stuff isn’t filled with the same kind of embarrassing detail, just on us!
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Hmm, I disagree on two counts, sherrilee. First, it might be true that all governments (like all families) have secrets and embarrassing stuff they want to keep hidden, but that doesn’t mean the disclosure of that stuff doesn’t hurt. Of course, it hurts. If my family’s deepest secrets, or yours, were to appear in some public place, we’d call that a bad day.
Second, some secrecy (call it privacy or discretion) is absolutely necessary for a government to work with other governments in this world. We all know the Saudis have to say one thing and do another. Most governments are forced to do some of that. But if foreign governments learn that every darn thing they say to us in confidence is going to be headlined in the NY Times and printed on the internet, they will find us almost impossible to work with.
Diplomacy is a whole lot better than war. And diplomacy depends on a little privacy and secrecy.
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You’ve misread me, Steve. I don’t disagree that governments don’t need all their dirty laundry out there and I don’t disagree that if somebody says something nasty about you that it doesn’t hurt.
It’s the governmental outrage that gets me. For some government to get up in arms about whether our officials have discussed the health of governments heads, in view of who may pass away sooner than others, seems to be disingenuous (sp?)… since I’m sure they’re having the same kinds of conversations behind closed doors.
Personally I think whoever leaks stuff should get the full brunt of either the law or familial shunning. It’s the getting worked up over something you’ve done yourself that seems silly to me.
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I think that there are some government secrets that should not be made public. When the government is doing things that we should know about and they are keeping them secret, those secrets should be made public.
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Reply to Ben — if Muammar Khaddfi wears Depends, I don’t want to know about it.
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tmi!
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Morning–
I’m in the ‘If-You-Can’t-say-anything-nice’ camp… and being Norwegian / German also the ‘Don’t-say-it-to-their-face’ camp but I’m working on that…
My memory is so spotty that even if I was mad at you yesterday, today I can’t remember that we had a fight. Works to our advantage for my wife and I even if it frustrates her that I can’t remember why she’s mad at me……..
Had a dream last night about two bears fighting and ripping themselves apart– complete with sound effects. Had to get up and take a walk to try and shake the images… Thanks gang.
We never had a party line; or at least I wasn’t old enough to remember it, but I remember my cousins had one and the different rings and such… and my Mom explaining ‘rubber-necking’ to me… Jacque; I like Grandma’s rules!
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Ben — I enjoyed your comment about forgetting unpleasant stuff. I find it easier to remember good stuff than the things people do that upsets me. Some people are just the opposite, of course. My outdoor buddy used to be married to a woman who had a memory like an elephant for everything he did to cheese her off, and that was many things. Bill would kiss her at the end of the day and hint that they might take half an hour to enjoy each other and go to sleep smiling. She would reply, outraged, “How can you propose THAT at a TIME LIKE THIS?”
Poor Bill never knew what “a time like this” meant. It generally meant that he’d said something eight days ago that she considered condescending, and she still had a full head of steam about that.
Surprise, surprise! They aren’t still married.
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I always told my children when they were younger that I always forgave them for all infractions once they were asleep. Its harder to do when they are teenagers, but I keep trying.
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My teabag this morning: “Noble language and behaviors are so powerful that hearts can be melted.”
Someone who is close to me has recently been the victim of some horribly gossipy and opinionated allegations that are based on assumptions and personal bias. Because of this hostile situation, this person has had to endure accusations and a formal inquisition into wrongdoing. The situation has created a suspicious and hostile atmosphere that is completely unproductive and demoralized. For the last month, I have been trying to examine my own behaviors and responses to the behaviors around me, and I find that I am also less than perfect.
Another friend I have is a really unique person, in many ways both good and bad. Some people have been unable to see past my friend’s unappealing exterior and discover the creative and humorous individual within. I had difficulty with this too. I had to look within myself and ask myself some really pointed questions about my own biases and my responses to them. After doing that, I was willing to try harder and my relationship with my unique friend bloomed, but at the expense of another, older friendship that I treasured. I still have enormous grief and trouble with the loss of my old friend, who I always thought to be a positive, empathic and caring person.
Words are extremely powerful. They can be used to heal or harm. I want to use my language and behavior to melt hearts.
I grew up with a party line on Cannon Lake. There were three or four families on it. I don’t remember anybody listening in but I do remember one lady hogging the line! I love Grandma’s rules, Jacque!
OT: (CLASSIFIED) There are six bald eagles in the oak trees along the shore of Lake Tetonka, directly behind our building today.
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Love to watch bald eagles Krista. Lucky you.
I realized later in the day that one aspect of the party line I forgot about was the ring–each neighbor had their own ring, and YOU COULD ONLY PICK UP YOURS! The rings were like Morse Code: dot dash dot or dash dot dot, etc. So you always knew which neighbor was receiving a call.
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A friend of mine used to have a cozy cabin on Lake Tetonka. Beautiful spot.
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All nine grand kids were out last Saturday. Our major activity was sitting in the living room watching three bald eagles in full flight chasing down their prey. This went on for hours, and it was the first time I even knew that big birds actually kill smaller birds in flight. It was a mortifying and exhilarating experience.
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Ah, ‘Booners! We took our last company to the airport today, and I just caught up on reading the last several days. It’s interesting to be away for half a week and then find yourself laughing, snorting, tearing up, and in general being awed by the rich variety of comments here! I’m kind of numb and exhausted, so for now will just say I’m “glad to know you”. Clyde, hope things are better with your wife.
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