Yes, he comes every year. If we’re lucky, this year will be a lot like last year, and the year before and the year before. I know I always expected to find some Silly Putty and Chap Stick in my stocking every Christmas morning, and as long as I was patient and believed in Santa, I was never disappointed.
In the great tradition of tradition-keeping, I’ll reprise an old bit of holiday doggerel from 1994. This is intended to keep the spirit of Clement Moore alive through sheer spite. Wherever he’s buried, the ground above is warm – the result of friction from a body spinning in its grave and the heat generated by the large amounts of psychic energy that it takes for a dead man to plot revenge.
I would not be surprised some midnight when mama’s in her kerchief and I’m in my cap, to find Clement Moore shaking his fist and railing at me from the front lawn. I picture him rising from his long winter’s nap to spend a single night plaguing everyone who has ever mocked him. But given the number of times his old poem has been parodied, he’d have a very, very busy time of it.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
every door had been locked by myself or my spouse.
I shut off the lights and proceeded to arm
our state-of-the-art infrared burglar alarm.I thought not of peace though it was Christmas Eve.
For the nighttime brings anger, or so I perceive.
A regular, permanent case of the blues
I contracted from watching the 10 o’clock news.When out in the yard there arose such a din
I jumped up real quick (for the shape that I’m in).
First to the window I flew at a run
And then to the phone to dial 9-1-1.For what I had seen was so very bizarre
Should I call out the cops or the state DNR?
A musher and dogs from some marathon race
were lost and had somehow wound up at my place.Eight dogs in the snow – they were icy and furry.
They must have been racing … they looked in a hurry.
And the guy in the sled was a sight in himself.
I expected Will Steger … He looked like an elf!I opened my mouth to say, “Buddy, move on
before all your animals ruin my lawn!”
When all of a sudden … this plump little guy
called out to his dogs and they started to fly.“Now Lassie, now Fido, now Benji and Bowser!
On Beethoven, Petey and Pluto and Towser!
Pull back your ears and put down your tails!”
And they took to the wind as though they had sails!And then I could hear it … the physical proof.
The dogs and that sled were destroying my roof!
He came down the chimney! I swear this is true.
He grunted and struggled to squeeze through the flue.His eyes were so jolly, his beard white like cream.
He stepped into the infrared burglar beam.
The place just erupted. The siren went wild.
St. Nicholas chuckled. He winked and then smiled.“You’re crazy!” I told him. “The cops will be here!”
He just shook his head. St. ick felt o fear.
“I know eery cop between here and beyond.
I trip every alarm and they never respond.”“I used to just enter wherever I please,
But I got tired of hearing ‘POLICE, Fasto. FREEZE!”
And so to avoid an embarrassing mess
I get legal search warrants for every address.He showed me his papers, then emptied his pack.
“Some homeonwers fire. I never shoot back.
These days the generous have to be brave.”
Then back up the chimney he went with a wave.On the roof I heard scraping, the tearing of shingles,
then running and barking and shouting and jingles.
And I heard him exclaim as they started to soar …
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALLLLLLLL!”
Then they landed next door.
If you could visit every home on earth tonight for the purpose of leaving a gift – the very same one in each house – what would it be?
Trail Baboon 
great start to the dy dale, the gift would be tinker toys. the universal enjoyment for young and old, electricity or no, educated or not. build a snowflake or a molecule. i thought alot about the toy question the other day and remembered rosebud form citizen kane and realized the simple times when fun is genuine and pure are to be savored and noticed before they are gone. see if you can create those. bens snow pile has a shot. hostess little cruellers. thats a classic ben. work on that whstle.
LikeLike
Thanks Tim…
LikeLike
Jacque will be please with the santa hat, Dale. thanks for that and the poem- very nice gifts, indeed.
i was thinking about the one gift – making it too deep and soppy – so something simple is good, as tim says. i’m making some coffee/shortbread cookies for the hubster today.
a good and gracious morning and day to You All
LikeLike
Thanks for the hat, Dale. Blevins wears it well.
Well, now that we have some Tinker Toys and yummy shortbread, I want to give everybody a small box with at least an hour of tranquility of spirit, free from anxiety, obligation or boredom.
It looks like that is what we are getting tomorrow afternoon-I’m so excited, I can hardly wait!
LikeLike
This is kind of like my first thought for my gift…the gift of contentment. Which might be hard to wrap – but definitely useful for all. Too many people ask for happiness, but I think tranquility and contentment are better.
LikeLike
Morning all… I was thinking of heart-shaped springform pans, but I can’t help but get all maudlin at this time of year.
I’d like to give everyone a torch like the one that the ghost of Christmas present carries around, the one that sprinkles the special water that makes people realize their grumps and groans aren’t important; that restores their good humor!
And, once again…. off to dig out the bottom of the driveway. Teenager and I have decided on a nice breakfast at French Meadow Bakery this morning!
LikeLike
wish we could give Sherrilee one whole week of not having to dig out the bottom of the driveway. yum – breakfast.
and the one hour of tranquility awaits out in the barn, MIG – thanks! going out to collect it now. while i’m milking i stick my nose into Dream’s hair and take a deep breath. aaaaahhhhh. after Dream comes Alba – only milking her every other day now, to dry her off by first week of January. then chaos – Kona and Lassi barrel over to the milkstand to “belly up” and the spell is broken. but it’s never boring! i am a very lucky person. a good gift – if everyone could be that lucky – to be doing something that gives them joy.
oh, oh – now i’m getting maudlin!
‘bye
LikeLike
Grew up in a frugal and non-if-not-anti-religious home, so this holiday was not much beyond a day off except for chores, to my father’s mild distress all day. But I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child for some reasons centered in the barn. I know I said this last year on here, but it’s Chrismas, time for reptition of dull old maudlin tales. I loved the feeling in the barn: animal warmth, sweet smell of dried clover (even though it made me ill), big soft liquid brown eyes of the cows all looking at me in a row expecting their share of the feast, the warmth rising from the milk in the pail onto my bare hands, even the smell of the manure, which promised plant growth next summer and generated heat now. But mostly it was the 3 inches of frost built up on the many large multi-paned single glass windows. The light was muted, soft, yet glowing in a way which defused all the shadows except in the far corners. Somehow that is the feeling of peace, safety, and freedom from want for the latent food around me and a rest from work for a day and time to be just a family. I would give that gift.
LikeLike
Lovely description, Claude.
LikeLike
Clyde! I meant Clyde!
LikeLike
Thanks Clyde,
Beautiful imagery.
LikeLike
Beautiful Clyde – and excellent gift, and well loved, clearly.
LikeLike
The vignettes here are rich, the muted light, the warmth the smells the touch of the hands on the milking portion of the barnmates body, thanks for an experience to remember
LikeLike
Clyde, that reminds me of my Uncle’s dairy barn where I helped with milking a few times as a kid. In this old set up the milk was carried in buckets to the milk house and pour through a filter into a milks can that were cooled in a water tank. The place where the milking was done was very much like what you described.
LikeLike
Clyde,
Yes, I would have to agree with you regarding the spirit and warmth of a dairy barn on Christmas.
While the cows were always my friends, it was on Christmas Eve night that I made sure they had extra hay and each one got a scratch on the head and wished ‘Merry Christmas’ before I left for the night…
Thanks for reminding me.
LikeLike
You could use a torch for the bottom of your driveway!
LikeLike
Rise and Haul It Down the Chimney Baboons!
Blevins you indeed are lovely in the red hat. It accentuates the yellow of your eyes. Thanks for wearing it today.
I’ve been swamped with indecision about this answer. It’s hard. I was going to say a sled so that Minnesota kids can experience non-technical adventure and thrills with our abundant natural resource, snow. But then all those Equatorial children are really left out.
Hope and joy–true wish but sappy. Intelligent presence in each moment? Huh? World Peace? Too Miss America.
So I am back to a sled. These Minnesota kids could use a thrilling 4 hours on a hill without a computer or a helicopter parent. Equitorial kids. Figure out something else to do with it.
LikeLike
rosebud
LikeLike
Just when I thought I had resolved this year’s gift-giving dilemmas, now I have to think of a one-size-fits-all gift for everybody in the world. Gee, thanks, Dale.
Food gifts are usually good, since everybody eats. I like the shortbread idea, but you would probably have to make a gluten-free version for those who can’t have wheat.
I thought a nice gift would be for every home to have a pet and every pet to have a home. But then, there would be issues with that, too – some households can’t afford another mouth to feed, and there would inevitably be abuse and neglect.
Then I thought a musical instrument might be a good choice. Everyone enjoys music, don’t they? As a lowest-common denominator gift, I would make it a kazoo, so that you wouldn’t need any particular skill or talent to make use of it. As a bonus, the world would have clear sinuses after each use.
LikeLike
Well, the kazoo is a winner for all then, entertainment and clear sinuses. Clear thinking Linda!
LikeLike
That’s a great one! Kazoos for everybody!
LikeLike
And what is really weird is that I just ran into kazoos at a doo-dad counter in a store. Have not seen one for years. I bought 2 for our annual funny trading game.
LikeLike
A quote from my son’s fb page: “ ‘Gift bags under the tree’ is not something I ever want to hear in a Christmas song. :)”
LikeLike
True that!
LikeLike
Thanks, Dale, for a classic example of your distinctive wit. That’s beautifully written. This will be the strangest Christmas I’ve experienced, the one that has me more cut off from the people I love than ever before. It has been a queer year. I lost one dear friend to cancer and have a sister and a friend currently struggling in their own ways with cancer. The national political scene is too weird to be believed, with Democrats doing wonderful things and yet acting too principled to to defend themselves against the torrent of filth being hurled at them by idiots. My buddy Katie, the English setter, is diabetic and blind. And yet other friends are flourishing. My grandson is the world’s coolest toddler (and that isn’t just grandfatherly bias). And I never forget how much my life is enriched by the support of baboons.
The only gift I have to give is the gift of stories. I would like to spend time with each kid in the world, quiet time, sharing stories with them. Each story is a unique gift, a pretty package around a bit of human experience that can help a child find humor and meaning in the seemingly dull events of daily life. Stories are ways of showing a child what is holy and valuable in their lives.
Most of the stories I told my little girl, back when she was a little girl, were fairly long. But on those days when I was too tired to think of a good new story, or on those nights when I had already told three or four stories, Molly could always get me to tell one more, a story called “The Ant.” It is only four sentences long, but in those four sentences you have fear, death, retribution, humor and salvation. Salvation comes in this story not from a glittering chariot in the sky pulled by a unicorn; it comes via poop. And partly for that reason, it is the perfect story to tell a kid. By poop shall ye be saved!
I am honored to share this perfect little story with my fellow baboons:
An ant was crawling along a blade of grass.
Along came a cow, and it ATE the grass.
Inside the cow it was dark and warm, so the ant fell asleep.
When he woke up . . . the cow was gone!
May it be so for the many things that threaten us–cancer, bad bosses, loneliness, friends who don’t always act like friends. Whatever is gnawing at your heart, I would hope that one night you go to sleep and wake up to find that the cow is gone, even if you have a hygiene problem to solve before things are truly alright!
Merry Christmas, my dear friends
LikeLike
Thank you, Steve….
LikeLike
Your usual touch. Gracias, from Claude, which is what my sweet and wonderfully senile grandmother-in-law would always call me.
LikeLike
That is so perfect and sweet – thank you!
LikeLike
And a Merry Christmas to you Steve.
LikeLike
A cow-free Christmas to you Steve. Thanks for the fabulous story.
LikeLike
beautiful sentiment steve, i feel like i wake up and the cow is gone every now and again. sometimes good sometimes not but you deal with the details of the story as they come along don’t you. have a good christmas my friend. i hope the changes find you and your friends past present and fuutre all in a good place. you leave a nice fingerprint on the world .
LikeLike
Thanks Steve. The ant’s point of view will be my new frame of reference whenever I feel that I am up to my neck in some situation that reeks.
“At least the cow is gone!”
LikeLike
Cheesecake!
LikeLike
Actually, I really liked Linda’s ideas. I was thinking that every home should have a dog too, but the same issues came to mind. I love the kazoo idea. I think we should all learn the Messiah together on kazoo! Or something from the Jungle Book? Or jazz…
I wasn’t able to return to the Trail yesterday so I just got caught up. I used a 9″ springform pan for the cheesecake. I have a 10 1/2″ springform pan and I think I could have used that one because I had leftover ingredients. Of course, the baking time is longer. I just watched it and when the center was set, I pulled it out. The top cracked a bit, but I think that’s okay. I sprinkled cinnamon on top – there’s no suggestion given for topping. I have another cheesecake recipe – Spiced Eggnog Cheesecake with Gingersnap crust – that I made last New Year. It has some spiced rum in it, so I can’t take it to family gatherings. It’s very good. I’ll post that recipe in a little while – battery is dying – gotta go!
LikeLike
Krista !!!! What a coincidence! I was looking for a chance to insert something about our family tradition. My former wife, daughter and I performed the Handel Messiah (or, really, the Hallelujah Chorus of it) every Christmas Eve. I think we had kazoos for guests, but the principle players used slide whistles–those little plastic trombone-like things. So you had three people who did NOT know The Messiah and who could not read music. They performed on instruments that, to be charitable, they did not have complete command of. But apart from that, this was a passionate and serious effort to create the best Messiah ever heard.
As for how it sounded . . . well, you hadda be there. In spite of giving it our best shot, we generally concluded that if Handel weren’t quite dead, this concert would have finished the old dude off.
LikeLike
In college the band did a Kazoo Marching Band. Too much fun!
LikeLike
At the USITT conference in March there is a businessman that does a Kazoo parade around the show floor before he conducts a charity raffle.
And they hand out kazoos during the year during road trips.
Bill Sapsis from Sapsis Rigging, Lansdowne PA. (Yes, a blatant advertisement pitch)
LikeLike
Bet USITT attendees with kazoos was a sight! Theater techs with kazoos…is that legal?
LikeLike
Nice job on Blevins’ hat, Dale!
LikeLike
Indeed – Blevins is really rockin’ the red.
LikeLike
Thank you. I cannot promise that Blevins will treat the hat with the respect it deserves once he is out of the frame.
LikeLike
Footie pajamas for everyone. I want everyone to be warm and cozy. Maybe they could be as fashionable as Blevins in his festive hat.
LikeLike
Ooh! I like that!
LikeLike
Excellent. Could I have purple designs on mine?
LikeLike
Well, my first thought was contentment – that goes with tranquility mentioned above. Similar things have been mentioned: peace, safety and family, cows, kazoos. Or perhaps, “enough.” Enough of whatever you need: food, shelter, family (however you define it), snow…enough.
Following the lead of tim and Jacque and perhaps being a little more concrete, I’d go with crayons. Might need to send a ton of paper with that, too – but crayons for everyone. Color whatever you want. Color inside or outside the lines. Color trees, color animals, recreate the world around you, create a new world that is in your head. You don’t have to be a “fine” artists to enjoy crayons – crayons are pure creative joy. A big box of 64 with the sharpener on the back. Yep. Crayons.
God Jul all!
LikeLike
A, you wax so colorfully poetic.
LikeLike
Tee hee hee. A colorful Christmas to you Clyde.
LikeLike
Just think how good the sleigh would smell!
LikeLike
We had a Saint Bernard puppy named Bobo. One day Bobo ate a 2-pound coffee can filled with crayons. That would be several 64-crayon boxes. The crayons eventually reappeared. Talk about waxing colorfully!!!
LikeLike
It would smell like Easton, PA, which does smell of hot wax. Home of Crayola.
LikeLike
I gave the 64 pack with sharpened to everyone on my Christmas list a couple years ago and they all looked quizzically but most were coloring before long. Perfect gift. I’ll buy some today
LikeLike
At the office I have an adult coloring book of mandelas. Very popular!
LikeLike
I’m not a true student of Sesame Street, but one of the best “bits” they ever did was about how crayons are made. As I remember it, the film had several macro photography moments with the camera lens almost touching the crayon production line. I could never tire of watching that one.
LikeLike
For several years, the child (then) had a crayon maker. You took all the little scrubby bits and put them in the machine and it would melt them and mix them around a little so that when they came out you had psychadelic (sp?), tie-dye crayons. All her friends loved it. When child became tween and then teen, the machine went to live at a co-worker’s house with their child, who is now making crayons galore as well.
LikeLike
A very good friend and colleague had a wonderful mother, a fixture of Duluth. In her 50’s she married a man named Don Marco who did these wonderful lush western style paintings–all in crayola. You have no idea what wax can do until you see one of his paintings. In repro they looked like oil; in original they still looked like oil, or maybe half-way between oil and colored pencil. They sold very well for high prices in the SW.
LikeLike
Good morning and seasons greetings to all,
How about a gift box of festive food and treats? Is it okay to give an assortment or is that really not a single gift? It would contain a variety of things so that hopefully there would be something to fit the tastes of just about any one. Some chocolate, of course. Cheese, I think it should be goat cheese. Maybe a few different kinds of cheese. Crackers to go with the cheese. A nice assortment of fruit. Some nuts. That should do it. There could also be some tea and coffee to serve with the treats. I might also include some of those Christmas crackers, the ones that make a bang when pulled apart and contain prizes. The Christmas crackers would provide some entertainment to go with the treats.
LikeLike
We always have crackers for Christmas.
LikeLike
This is the first year in awhile that I haven’t gotten around to making Christmas crackers. I still have quite a few of the little “gunpowder” strips that go bang when you pull them apart. Maybe we’ll make some for New Year, along w/ Krista’s gingerbread cheesecake. Thanks for reminding me, Jim!
LikeLike
So here’s the other cheesecake recipe – as if you haven’t had enough. I like this one a lot!
Spiced Eggnog Cheesecake with Gingersnap Crust
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Crust:
1 2/3 cups (8 ounces) ground gingersnap cookies
3 ½ T butter, melted
Filling:
3 8-ounce packages of cream cheese, softened
1 c. sugar
2 T. flour
½ whole nutmeg, freshly grated, or ¾ t. ground nutmeg
1/8 t. freshly ground cloves
5 large eggs
1 ½ c. eggnog
¼ c. spiced rum or brandy (or 2 t. rum extract)
1 t. vanilla extract
Crust: Combine ground gingersnaps and melted butter. Reserve ¼ c. of the mixture and press the remaining mixture into the bottom and up the sides of a 9-inch springform pan. Bake 10 minutes. Set crust to cool but leave the oven on.
Filling: Beat cream cheese at medium speed for 4 minutes, occasionally scraping the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Gradually beat in the sugar and flour and continue beating for 3 minutes, scraping the sides occasionally. Grate ½ of a whole nutmeg over surface of batter, add cloves and blend the spices into the mixture. Beat in eggs one at a time. Beat in eggnog, spiced rum and vanilla.
Bake: Pour filling into prepared crust and bake until lightly browned and a thermometer inserted into center reads 160 degrees, 60 – 70 minutes. Turn off oven, open the door halfway and let cheesecake cool inside, 20 – 30 minutes. Transfer cheesecake to a cooling rack and run a thin-bladed knife around edges. Cool to room temperature, and sprinkle reserved gingersnaps on top. Chill thoroughly before serving.
LikeLike
I’d give people classical music for the whole year. Those who like such music would feel grateful; it would be the equivalent of coal in the stocking for those who don’t like such music and they would try to do better so it wouldn’t happen again next Christmas. I think it would make the world a more peaceful place.
LikeLike
a la tim, cleaver.
LikeLike
Morning!
Wow— you all have come up with great ideas of things for the world… I read this question at 7 AM and said ‘whoa–‘ but I was looking at it too deep.
First thing I thought of was ‘Understanding’ but that gets complicated to deliver so then I thought give everyone a harmonica. I admit it’s not original; Craig Ferguson gives his guests a harmonica at the end of the segment. So add that in with the kazoos and slide whistles. And crayons. LOVE that idea! I may borrow that idea for my family this weekend!
Thanks all for being here… a great group of people and baboons to start the day with.
LikeLike
i think kazoos slide whistles crayons harmonicas hostess little crullers chainmail, understanding and an undersea theme is a sure hit. heck i’d like to be there. its a wonderful life is on tv. this is a true christmas eve moment. does ted stilll do a christmas story all christmas day? i don’t think i get that station. oh well i can probably repeat it word for word.
LikeLike
I want to give everyone the ability to sing and to dance, and some kind of music to sing and dance with. Some people already do this and know they can. For the ones who think they can’t, I’d like to give them at least the belief that they can, which is all we dancers and singers really have, anyway!
OK, from yesterday – I’m a hummer. (heh heh) I hum all the time, to the annoyance and curiosity of many.
…and 1919 used to be served at the Lion’s Tap in Eden Prairie — do you know it, tim? Right by Miller Spring where we come to fill up gallons and gallons of fresh spring water.
And like Steve already said, Merry Christmas, my dear friends.
LikeLike
The pack of A & W root beer we bought tonight says ‘Made since 1919’ on it… so is it the same stuff or coincidence??
LikeLike
Coincidence I assume. Schells was frist made that year.
LikeLike
Wait a minute. I think maybe prohibition is the link.
LikeLike
To anyone older than about age 10 I would give the memory of the last Christmas where they 100%-without a doubt-would bet my life on it- truly believed in Santa Claus and the Spirit of Christmas. To anyone younger I would give the courage and conviction to never stop believing.
Merry Christmas from Chris in snowy Owatonna
LikeLike
There are people who don’t believe in Santa? At our house our motto is “If you believe in Santa, he believes in you.” We have the reindeer food all ready to put out tonight.
LikeLike
ours is out too. the story the polar express is so much better than the movie it ought to be illegal to do that to a marvelous book/story.
LikeLike
Goodbye for now, ‘booners! Have a happy, merry, peaceful, contented, satisfied, wonderful holiday, however you wish to spend it!
LikeLike
I think Blevins stole Mr. Majority’s hat. What do you think, Barb?
LikeLike
actually, Renee, T’s hat was made to fit any baboon or goat, by the Photoshop Wizard we call Dale. T grew out of it (he was a 120# youngster in that picture – now he is a hulking 185# and i think it is all in his head – well, not all) so the creator gave it to Blevins, and he is welcomed to it.
LikeLike
i confess that i was a hopeless Seinfeld sitcom watcher. one of my favorite themes was during the holidays when George’s Dad invented “Festivus” – a cooked-up holiday that involved a whole bunch of rituals. my favorite was “the airing of the grievances.”
i’m going out to wish a happy Festivus to the Girls (the Boys are tucked away in bed already). hope they don’t have too many grievances to air tonight.
Happy Festivus to all you ‘Booners.
LikeLike
That explains a fb post I did not get.
Happy Eve and Day to all babooners and the lead baboon and family.
LikeLike
ho ho ho you all. see you after the kids have been visited by that rosey old elf . priceless letter from the 9 year old.
dear santa
this is emma olivia tara nd spencer and if you could plaease leave your signture and a note/ thank you for all you d for us
emma olivia tara spencer
p.s. how do you get around so fast?
signature:
note:
set out with a plate with 5 cookies, 5 carrots for the reindeer, glass of milk glass of ice water and a bowl of candy with the note
please take 2 or 3
gotta love it
LikeLike
My grandkids note: Dear Santa, please feel free to use our treadmill. FITNESS CONSCIOUSNESS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
LikeLike
nice of them to be concerned for the fat old man
LikeLike
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
LikeLike
god bless us every one
LikeLike
I would give patience. It is something that is greatly lacking these days. I love all of the ideas, especially the crayons! Coloring is so much fun!
Thank you all for the wonderful and stimulating conversations! I am truly grateful to be able to talk with all of you and get go know everyone. Have a very merry Christmas!!!
LikeLike