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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Last night we took the Christmas tree down and dragged it out to the curb to wait in a snow bank for the truck that will cart it off to some dreary compost site. I know that I shouldn’t anthropomorphize an evergreen tree, but I’ve seen too many stop action holiday cartoons and Disney movies to completely banish the thought that my Christmas tree has feelings and enjoyed being decorated and kept in the cozy bosom of our home for all those weeks! How could any living thing (it was still drinking water!) NOT sense the togetherness and joy of our holiday celebration, and feel included? If a family gathered around YOU and sang pretty songs and opened delightful gifts, wouldn’t you feel like an important member of the group? And wouldn’t you be shocked when those same people suddenly stripped you of all your bright baubles and tossed you out the door?
I can’t sleep. The truck will be here soon and I’m thinking of going back out to get the tree. I could bring it back in and put it in the basement. Nobody ever goes down there but me. But what will I do in the springtime?

Tormented Over the Tannenbaum

I told TOTT it is perfectly natural to have separation issues regarding the Christmas tree, but perhaps it is the end of the holiday season being mourned, not the tree’s possible feelings of rejection. If you must endow the tree with human emotions and attitudes, consider how it would feel to be chopped down and carted away from the only home you have ever known, then forced into a smelly container (your house), humiliated by being made to wear all those garish lights and heavy ornaments, all while being fed chlorinated water and forced to stand just feet away from a fire – your mortal enemy. Being put out on the curb, nude, was probably a Godsend for your tree. Which is not to suggest that the tree believes in God.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

87 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    TOTT, you could reduce the guilt and angst you feel about these poor trees by simply transitioning to the fake variety. There are several advantages:

    There is no chopping involved;

    The fake variety lasts for years before breaking or meeting another fate, then you sell it at a garage sale so you never have to face the end;

    The fire hazard is significantly reduced;

    You never have to apologize to the tree/living thing. And remember, “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” (Love Story, 1971, Ryan O’Neal or Ali MacGraw character).

    Simple solution, huh? The problem is that, because you insist on personifying objects, instead of coping with your own feelings of loss at the end of the season, when garage sale day finally comes you will be an even bigger wreck and then what? I suggest a good therapist. There is someone, somewhere named Billy Mary Barry, but I don’t know what became of him…

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    1. Billy MARY Barry? Freudian slip?

      But I agree with Jacque. I grew up with a fake tree and I have to say that there was significantly less of a trauma factor. I think I asked my Mom once why we didn’t get a real tree and she cited ‘why should we chop down a perfectly good tree for only a few weeks when it could just be let alone and everyone could enjoy it for decades.’

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  2. Morning all. I hope I have forgotten this entry by next November when I’m standing out in the field with the saw in my hand. Like I need any more help in the anthropomorphization department – I already have every stuffed animal I’ve ever owned, thanks to reading The Velveteen Rabbit too many times as a child!

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    1. “The Velveteen Rabbit” ought to come with a mental health warning sticker on the front! “Warning: this book may cause intense anthropomorphization. Reading this book may produce inappropriate levels of guilt and grief when attempting to discard inanimate objects. Do not read unless you are prepared to live with your childhood toys for the rest of your life.” Might want to add the warning to “Toy Story” and “Rozen Maiden” as well.

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  3. hi there, TOTT – i agree with Jacque. you effectively sealed the tree’s fate when you cut it down (or bought it already cut). there are many, many good guilt trips but this one is probably not worth the fuel. if you persist, let me add to the worry: how many other trees died in the name of this one tree becoming yours? and were the trees raised sustainably? and if not, how many little bugs perished in the sprays put on the trees so they would grow to be killed? and were the tree-farm workers amply protected from the harm of the chemicals that they worked with? and were they paid a livable wage? and…..

    did that help?
    a gracious good morning to You All

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  4. TOTT,
    The evergreen was fortunate to have been able to stand as a mute witness to your family’s celeebration. Like a servant, slave, or lower class of life it is better that the green thing not be spoiled. Remember in “Oliver” what happened when the boy was fed meat? You were wise to return the tannebaum to its natural state before it was too late.

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  5. I can only think of the song about the pumpkin with the jack-o-lantern’s heart. TOTT, your tree was raised to have its brief shining moment in your house. It has spent years preparing for those weeks dressed in your shiny baubles and twinkly lights. It has reach the pinnacle of its evergreen existence. There is no greater honor than to become a part of a family’s holiday celebration – even scrub trees have been finding homes lately, having been taken in by those who are saving them from an early chipping as they are thinned to prevent forest fires. At the end of their designated weeks, each tree knows it has done its best to provide a festive center to your home and its job is done. It can go on to become mulch to help other trees and plants grow in a perfect cycle of life. Fret not, TOTT, your tree is content.

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  6. Good morning Doctors,

    Well, TOTT, at least you managed to get the tree out of the house. I remember driving by a house where they left a Christmas tree standing in their window well into the spring. You could put the tree out in the back yard where it would provide a place for birds to seek cover. You could even decorate it with treats for the birds. You would be setting a good example for your nieghbors who are just sending their trees to the dump.

    If you live in a town where they grind up Christmas trees and compost them, you shouldn’t worry so much about getting rid of your tree. It will be returned back to the land. Or you could just start putting a Bah Humbug sign up in your front yard in the future, like a guy on our street did in the past, and not bring any trees into your house in the coming years.

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    1. Dear TOTT, I agree with Jim, it should be put in the backyard for the birds where it will feel loved and needed. I used to feed old Christmas trees to the goats (haven’t had one in my own house for years), the roughage keeps them warm in the winter. You could bring it* to my goats now…hurry out to the curb and grab it, save it!

      ps. *I am assuming that it has not been sprayed and doused with various chemicals, that it came from your own back forty.

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      1. Cynthia, I was a little shocked when I looked closely at the tree we got from a local tree farm and realized that it had been sprayed with some green coloring to give it a darker green color. I guess it couldn’t be given to your goats to munch on.

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  7. The whole answer to TOTT’s dilemma can be found in Fraser’s The Golden Bough. TOTT needs to understand that, if he is of northern European heritage, his ancestors probably used to worship trees. The tree understands that it is part of the worship, sacrifice, atonement, and renewal process found in a multitude of ancient cultures world wide. The first sheaves of the harvest are thrown into the fire to ensure a good harvest the next year, the harvest loaf is burned for the same reason; the yule log is burned, mummers decorate branches and dress funny in the Spring, etc. The tree is honored to be sacrificed, TOTT, so get over it.

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  8. Poor TOTT, what a lot of fuss you can make over nothing. You are thinking like a human being—fidgety, short-sighted, self-centered, mostly clueless—failing to recognize that trees think and feel as trees. Trees are delighted to spend life in the same location for twenty, forty, one hundred or two hundred years. Trees aren’t interested in parties and gaudy Christmas bling. For them, the ecstasy of life is all about stretching toward heaven, inch by inch, tingling with joy in the sunlight, swaying in the currents of wind that sweep the forest and savoring the life-giving juices flowing through their inner skins.

    Trees want to be trees. It would embarrass any tree to be accused of wanting to be—of all things!!!—a human being. Humans whimper and wail, charging around with no idea of what makes them happy. Humans lay waste to the natural world and then cry crocodile tears about all that they have lost. No decent tree would consider being a human, accepting their short and brutish life. How much more glorious to stand tall and know that you are beautiful. Humans destroy things whereas trees drink in carbon dioxide and rain, turning it into oxygen to sweeten the winds. A tree is one of God’s gifts to the world; what humans could ever claim the same?

    And unlike people, trees accept the end of life. The fate of a tree is to come, at last, to embrace Mother Earth, bending or breaking until at last they lie prostrate upon the erath. And thee they decompose with dignity, returning to Earth what was taken from it; giving up the former tall life form in order to create new life with nutrients that might miraculously be redefined some day into another stunningly beautiful tree.

    You think, TOTT, that trees weep when they are taken out of nasty hot human homes and are chipped or allowed to decompose. But for a tree, the only thing better than living is the slow and generous dying that continues life’s cycle. You might worry about more sensible things, like all the chipmunks who must endure life without the internet or all the red-tailed hawks that are deprived of the joys of watching Oprah. Save your pity for the trees and put it where it can be more useful!

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      4. I’m thinking these are powerlines and the fiberoptic is running right along with it-regardless, our squirrels are very smart and I’m pretty sure they have been taking classes online!

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      5. My Irish Setter would concur. Most of her outside time these days is spent patrolling the back part of the yard, keeping the terrorist mutant ninja squirrels at bay.

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  9. TOTT, I strongly suggest you get a grip on the idea of mortality and the “Circle of Life” (sing the Disney song, if it helps). Your tree will go on to sustain new growth, possibly after sheltering backyard wildlife for a time as suggested above.

    To every thing it’s season, and let it go, now that it’s time is past-think of this as practice for bigger goodbyes that are inevitable in your future.

    Verily and Crow Girl-stuffed animals are another matter entirely!

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  10. TOTT,
    Ok, assuming you haven’t been shamed into getting an artificial tree by now, how about this: have a tree funeral.
    Think of it this way, the tree is now officially dead. If you insist on anthropomophizing it, treat it like you would one of your relaltives and cremate it. If you can’t stand to cut it up yourself, have someone cut it up for you. If you don’t have a fireplace, make a firepit or get a firebowl and put it in the yard. It’s very nice to use your tree completely while you sit with your spouse or family (yes, even out in the snow) in front of a roaring fire, drinking hot cocoa, and talking about what a good time you had during the holidays and what you’re going to do for the coming year. See? Positive affirmations, complete use of resources, and (most importantly, according to my wife) heat. You get a warm feeling inside and out.

    (…why am I not getting paid to do this?…)

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      2. First thought was ‘positive afFIRmation.’
        Second thought is ‘PINE-ing for a better you.’
        Yeah, I like that one.

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  11. Sorta OT: If it was a tree with a burl or a very large trunk, it could be fashioned into an bject of Art. Our nephew-son Vin workes in Georgia for this guy who travels the art fair circuit with these gorgeous vessels turned on a lathe (Vin does the hollowing out) and…
    http://mybranchingout.typepad.com/
    “Every tree, every branch has a story to tell, and if I can save it to show everyone how beautiful the tree really was- not just what you see on the outside but on the inside- then I will have done my job. Trees are living organisms that at one time or another had purpose in life. Whether it was to give a family needed shade or animals needed food. So now even if its life has ended we can preserve it, and it will continue to live, and show its beauty forever. ”
    For the photo gallery:
    http://mybranchingout.typepad.com/photos/branching_out_2007_winter/index.html

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    1. One of my favorite shows this year is the MN Original series from TPT. It is just fascinating. Each show (half-hour) covers about three or four MN artists, showing their work.

      One of the most stunning stories is that of Virgil Leigh, a guy who is extremely likable and artistic. He takes whole tree trunks and turns them on one of the world’s largest lathes and . . . well, you just gotta see it. And th is absolutely relates to the issues of the inner beauty of wood.

      Happily, all the MN Original segments are available in archive to be seen again. This one is: http://www.mnoriginal.org/art/?p=1673

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      2. Thanks for reminding me of this show! My boss’s daughter-in-law was in show 108 for her jewelry-making. I remember when it came out, my boss and his wife were so excited for her 🙂 It’s a wonderful show that brings attention to all the artists Minnesota has. I love it! Too bad I can only watch it on the computer here.

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  16. Hope this doesn’t needle you all… but the rock band RUSH has a tree song that’s a little dark:
    Songwriters: Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Neil Peart

    There is unrest in the forest,
    There is trouble with the trees,
    For the maples want more sunlight
    And the oaks ignore their please.

    The trouble with the maples,
    (And they’re quite convinced they’re right)
    They say the oaks are just too lofty
    And they grab up all the light.
    But the oaks can’t help their feelings
    If they like the way they’re made.
    And they wonder why the maples
    Can’t be happy in their shade.

    There is trouble in the forest,
    And the creatures all have fled,
    As the maples scream “Oppression!”
    And the oaks just shake their heads

    So the maples formed a union
    And demanded equal rights.
    “The oaks are just too greedy;
    We will make them give us light.”
    Now there’s no more oak oppression,
    For they passed a noble law,
    And the trees are all kept equal
    By hatchet, axe, and saw.

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      2. I also remember Bill Kling being annoyed by that song. Don’t get me started. I think the rebel in me is thinking thoughts similar to those of the rebel in Beth-Ann.

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  19. Again I stand in awe. When the natives of the tribe (or is it congress?) adopt a plank, a newbie can only lumber along the trail, ligneous mind searching for some cleaver dendroid witticism to add to the recreation of the day.

    This week’s theme on A Word A Day is words relating to trees and plants. http://wordsmith.org/words/today.html

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  21. Wow–I leave you guys alone for a long weekend and look at what happens. Baboons at play are pretty creative! You are all in fine fettle.

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  22. Haha, love all the twiggy wit 🙂

    Way OT: Here’s the Pannukakku recipe I promised last week. I finally found it in my mess of a recipe book.

    Pannukakku (Finnish Oven Pancakes)

    Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit

    1/2 stick butter
    3 eggs
    2 cups milk
    2 Tablespoons sugar
    1 cup flour
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

    Melt butter in a 9 x 13 pan while oven heats up. Make sure butter doesn’t burn.

    Beat remaining ingredients together. Add the melted butter after making sure pan is coated. Pour into pan. Bake for 40 minutes. Serve with butter and syrup, any kind of fruit jam or syrup, butter and powdered sugar – anyway you want to eat it 🙂
    Serves 6-8.

    *The middle of the pancake will poof up and it will look kind of odd. After it’s taken out of the oven, however, it will deflate.

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  24. was feeling sad i missed the day but as we progressed i decided to suggest you all can kiss my ash.
    trees death reminds me of a couple of things of value. my uncle paul was the best practical joker i ever met. when he went to a restaurant his name was joe barsocki. he would do stuff like get the phone in your hotel room after he figured out how to ask you to run out to the car to get that map of iowa he needed. he would call for a wake up at 3 45 and another at 4 15 in case he overslept on the first one. one year he ran an add in the fargo forum for 1.00 for all your used christmas trees bring them to 1444 6th ave south we have need of as many as can be gotten. put his friends address. in 1969 this cost his friend 250 dollars and he laughed so hard he had tears. all these little kids coming up to get their dollars. priceless dead tree recollections.
    the other thought is about the death of stuff in general. i alway thought pets were the perfect intro to the next level. i am convinced it is kind of the other way around. pets are the highest level. my siamese cats dying when i was 8 or 9 was more difficult than my grandfather. my do dying when i was 19 was the hardest thing i can remember. you relate on a whole different level. i had a 10 year of fish die this morning. i got in late last night and he waited up for me to say goodbye then went off to hide out and die this morning. stuff lime that prepares you for the big ones. my dad a year ago was real hard. he was one of my best frends, kind of like my dog. tell him things few others got to be in on. christmas trees . they’re easy put em in the yard for the birds to enjoy the windbreak quality till spring then take them over to the firepit and start a fire get it going good and get a good burn under way til there is a good ash in the bottom of the pit then take that old tree and kick it in the ash hole. good riddance. ho ho ho.

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  26. Great, Donna! A few years back we in Saint Paul were told to leave our Christmas trees back by the garbage so the guys could pick them up. I did, but they left it there. I called the garbage hauler and the dispatch lady said to leave it out again. They left it again. I called and she said to try again. So I cut the sucker up and left the pieces out there. They took the garbage and left my tree. I called them again and got one of the weirdest answers in my life. The dispatcher said, “Well, that driver who has your route . . . he doesn’t like Christmas trees much.”

    He doesn’t LIKE Christmas trees? Silly me, I thought I employed him to haul my trash. I hadn’t realized I was trying to please him with what I left out there. And in the end I decided I was really lucky that he apparently likes coffee grounds and grapefruit rinds!

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