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Wearing a Bullseye

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It has been a while, but today we hear from our bearish friend who found a cell phone in the woods. For ease of reading, the message has been translated into English from its original Ursus Textish.

Yo, it’s me, Bart.

Ever feel like you had a price on your head?

I do, especially since I found saw this online article from New Jersey that’s all about killing bears – and it includes a picture of ME! Think I’m paranoid? Take a look!

Bart - The Bear Who Found a Cell Phone

They’re hearing oral arguments in a courtroom in Trenton this morning about whether the state should release more than six thousand hunters into the woods over the course of just six days to shoot animals that look JUST LIKE ME! I’m absolutely shocked. I didn’t know New Jersey had woods! And I can only imagine what New Jersey hunters are like. I guess they got to shoot some bears last year and liked it so much, they decided to try again – the first time in four decades that they’ve had two consecutive years when people could go out and kill my kind with no penalty at all! Sure makes a guy feel wanted, and not in a good way.

The Sierra Club says this is just a bit of recreation and should not be allowed. Because they had a bear hunt last year and have already “harvested” 592 of my brethren, opponents say this can’t be justified as an effort to get “nuisance” bears. And believe me, I’m all for thinning the herd when it comes to “nuisance” bears, because I’ve met a few! What’s a “nuisance” bear? Mostly, they’re bears who just don’t know the limits of another bears interest in their stupid adventures.

I had a “nuisance” bear bend my ear one night about some bee hive he located in a hollowed out stump in out in East Jesus. Yes, the bees were angry, and yes, the honey was sweet, and blah, blah, blah, blah. No I don’t care how many times you were bitten, and please, I’d rather not hear about how your stomach ached or the way your scat squished when you dropped it on the path a day later. Honestly.

But here’s the part that frosts me. The bears who give bears a bad name are the citified ones who can’t get enough of downtown, hanging around coffee shops and bus stops, getting their kicks by jaywalking and going through dumpsters in alleyways. The bears who get shot by hunters are the ones like me – bears who never leave the woods and spend most of their time minding their own business or cruising the Internet to find the latest blogger who’s using my picture without permission! Where’s the justice in that?

So please, tell the people in New Jersey to worry about controlling the growth of their own insufferable human population, starting with those obnoxious folks on “Jersey Shore”. I admit that I’m tired of the monotonous antics of “nuisance” bears, but isn’t delivering a death sentence a little steep for the sin of being dull? If those are the rules we’re playing by, there are a whole lot of humans with reason to look over their shoulders!

Lying Low,

Your friend,
Bart

Where’s the safest place to hide?

68 thoughts on “Wearing a Bullseye”

  1. Rise and Hide Baboons!

    Bart’s text messages never fail to amaze. Ursish Textish must be a form of shorthand because his texts end up far longer than the 140 characters usually allowed. How does he do it?

    So is the question “Where is the best place for a BEAR to hide?’ or “Where is the best place for a human (me) to hide?” I love to hide up in Northern Wisconsin near Steve’s cabin. But for a bear that might be right in the line of fire, so to speak. Plus, having lived up North near Grand Rapids, I know that in hunting season the woods are really not safe from any drunk hunter(s), as the volley of gun fire at dawn of the annual Hunting Opener might indicate.

    I’d suggest the Apple Valley Zoo for Bart.

    Great travel stories yesterday. Just finished reading this a.m! I’m ready for a road trip.

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  2. Bart, you are a handsome hunk of male fuzz. You belong on the cover of Bear’s Quarterly. So I can see how you were chosen to represent your species. But, BART. GET DOWN ON ALL Fours. Get behind that rock, not on it, better yet under it.
    Ego has done in a few coaches lately, one of whom was even a Bruin. Quit posing. Turn off the phone. Go find a swamp and lie down in the middle of the muck. Hunters just are not that willing to go into such places. Yah, it’ll muss up your perfect darriere-do, but lie down in the swamp.
    We love you, bro.

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  3. Bart, before I head out today (Could I borrow your coat for my ride today?) I just read GK’s Almanac (Don’t read it, Bart, you may find it unsettling.)., which suggests an idea. Go hang out at a poetry reading. No hunters go there.

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  4. Find yourself a local community theater and volunteer to work in the scene shop or help with lighting. Spend a lot of time in the dark and dust. It’s theater so you’re supposed to wear black backstage – you’ll fit right in. If it’s tech week, growling is encouraged, providing further cover for you. Sure some of the actors (and a stage manager or two) might be just as dull as those nuisance bears, but any guns you see will only be props and can’t actually harm you (actor stories are another thing altogether – if one of ’em starts talking about when he played Hamlet, run).

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    1. Right on. In fact if he could sign up to be a student required to have ‘shop hours’ he’d be far lonelier than out in the woods… wouldn’t be seen by anyone except myself. And I can point out the quiet stairwells that provide good napping spaces.

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    2. But I suggest you stay away from the costume shop. That fur coat is mighty attractive. Alternatively, if you hang around looking like you just might be a performer, you will be giving unintentional and undue stress to a whole passel of folks who will be trying to figure out how they are going to tailor that 78XL Armani jacket.

      If you want to be left alone in the green room, you could start telling the story of how you once played Hamlet ;).

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  6. Bart should head out to the ND Badlands with a few friends. We have chokecherry trees, buffalo berries, wild plums, saskatoons, and no other bears. We also have a surfeit of elk, that need to be removed from the national park. People out here would love having bears move in, and would view bears with more benevolence than they view the mountain lions. If Bart and his friends engaged in reasonable family planning, there would never be enough bears for a hunting season.

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  8. Greetings! Bart, my buddy — good to hear from you. Sometimes the best place to hide is right out in the open — but wear a disguise. You could unburden some large human campers of their clothes. Dressing in drag a la Garrison Keillor from Tom Keith’s Hurrah would be perfect; because no hunter wants to see that again. Or wear a sheepskin with a human mask. Also, you could cover yourself in cement dust or glitter and pose on a pedestal right in the middle of town, and be a statue until the danger passes! Just be careful out there …

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  9. Good morning to all. First of all, Bart, be sure to stay away from the bear bait that some hunters put out to lure bears out of hiding. Those piles of goodies sitting right out in the open are what I am talking about. Don’t even go near anything like that.

    How about getting some no hunting signs that you could put up some place to keep the hunters out. That would at least keep out the ones that respect property rights. Maybe your signs could say “No Hunting, Bear Rearch Area”.

    Or you could dress up like a hunter. Get some hunting clothes and wear them. You could wear the hunting clothes in the area you posted as a no hunting zone and you might be fairly safe. Still it would be best to lay low during the day. At night most hunters are more interested in hanging out in their camps or in a bar and probably will be out looking for you.

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    1. I guess if you hide in a fake bear research area you should not wear hunting clothes. Just wear some sporty clothes that aren’t usually worn by hunters.

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  10. Bart, the first thing I’d do is get rid of that cell phone. There’s no way you can hide anywhere if you keep using it. Another thing you should avoid is wearing easily recognizable t-shirts. Seems there have been a recent rash of petty criminals who have been apprehended because their clothing was so distinctive. Some people are not very smart! I like Renee’s suggestion, sounds like a win win situation. Be aware though, there isn’t much to hide behind in ND if Renee’s scenario doesn’t pan out.

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    1. Actually, there are plenty of places to hide in the ND Badlands. There are caves, draws, ravines, buttes, abandoned ranch and farm buildings and, get this, garbage pits used by ranchers and farmers who have no other option for garbage disposal. It is only in eastern ND where it is really flat and treeless. The Killdeer mountains would be a pretty good place for a bear, as well as the Cave Hills just across the SD border. A long as the bears forage for garbage at night and don’t scare the ranchers taking out the trash, it would work just fine.

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      1. I could lose myself readily in the Badlands there, either unit, but prefer the Southern one for getting lost. And, Bart, steal some camping equipment, you are permitted to wander off on your own and camp where you will in the Badlands.

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      2. you neglect to mention that eastern north dakota is the eastern 450 miles of the 460 mile wide state. i love the badlands but that aint north dakota.

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      3. Renee, I love the badlands AND the prairie. Some people find those flat, wide open spaces boring, I get a sense of freedom and elation when there. I think ND has an undeserved bum rap when it comes to scenery. I may be one of the few people who found William Least Heat Moon’s “Prairie Erth” a fascinating read. That’ll give you some idea of how I feel about the prairie. I also love the Sonoran Desert, but that’s something else completely.

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      4. The wide open, seemingly endless space has a strange effect. The limitless vista causes people to look inwards, more closely at themselves, often with disconcerting results. People who aren’t comfortable in their own skins can’t stand that limitlessness, as they can’t tolerate self-reflection, and they are often the first ones to leave for somewhere else. It is hard to be a shallow person and feel at ease out here.

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      5. Very interesting! When I worked in Greenland, one of my coworkers was a young Danish woman who felt depressed, hemmed in by the low mountains that surrounded Søndrestrømfjord. I thought they were lovely, and enjoyed hiking in them; she’d hike the 6 miles to the mouth of the fjord to look out over open water. Funny how we react so differently to nature around us.

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  11. Come the revolution, I was always going to head to a relative’s cabin up north, but that’s not a good idea for you, Bart. There are still some fallout shelters around if you get stuck in the city, though they’re kind of hard to find – might take a lot of research. I think Renee’s idea is the best one so far – some place that doesn’t have many bears. You might want to bring a few friends, otherwise it could get lonely.

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  12. Bart, this is going to sound a little strange, but believe me it is the best policy you could follow. First, go to some hair stylist (one that does not have prejudices against bears) and ask that your face and shoulder be dyed in the most garish possible pattern of bright blue and yellow. Practice acting like a drunk, obnoxious human (I am sure you can bring this off). Then you go to some college football stadium carrying a pennant that screams “Go Bruins!” Spend your weekends mugging for the tv cameras, and I think you’ll get a lot of air time with that costume. When there isn’t a game, just loiter around the stadium looking hung over. You probably won’t be the only one.

    Go Bruins!

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  13. the national parks are the best hide out for both bears and criminals. there is no hunting in the parks. if the bear elk etc wander outside the perameters to the little cities that are intermingled and have citizens that bitch about the wild life raising hell with their gardens and eating their chiwawa’s or hostathen blammo bear soup. if they stay in the boundries and dont head for the picanic baskett boo boo then they are good to go for ever and ever. same with murderers. if they hide out in the national parks the fbi cia state police have no jusisdiction there. it is up to the national park police which are accustomed to dealing with people who litter or build fires without a permit. guys on the run don’t usualluy have the patience to wait for the heat to die down though. come to think of it that may be the bears problems too. just go into hibernation bart. see you in april. let the battery die and plug it back in come daffodils.

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    1. They have allowed hunters to harvest elk our of our national park the last two years. Its a special program worked out for TR national Park.

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  17. OT: I recently asked for help from you. My grandson comes for a five-day visit, and all the toys in my home were chosen to amuse a slow-moving senior citizen. Catherine and Anna have come through with magnificent toys exactly right for my grandson, and Barbara (BiR) will add to that this evening. I’m thrilled, and I wanted everyone to know how beautifully the baboons take care of their own.

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  18. I have a suggestion, Bart. Go hang out with Tim Pawlenty. There are news reports this morning that GQ will release a list naming the top 25 least influential people alive and our former Governor is #1. You will likely be completely unnoticed if you spend time in his company. You probably text better than he does too!
    🙂

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  19. Bart, I the safest place to hide is either a) in plain sight (with so much public sentiment) or b) within the corporate world (with so much money and power) that no one would dare to harm a hair on your warm, fuzzy hide. The public sentiment option is more risky, with the public’s attention span being rather …oh look, something shiny!… And with your remarkable physical attributes, I think it’s time you embraced your manifest destiny and became a corporate CEO.

    After all, what does it take to run a multi-billion dollar conglomerate today? Business knowledge? Not really. Ability to get along? Certainly not. Understanding of clockwork-like mechanism of your role in a global economy? ~pah~ Why bother?

    Business today is about 1) finding resources, 2) consuming resources, and 3) intimidating the hell out of everyone else around you. With an intermediary step fourth step being 4) taking other people’s resources if you can. That’s what bears were born to do!

    Interview process, shminterview process. March into the board room of whatever company you feel like taking over…and TAKE IT OVER. Who’s going to argue with a bear? Let’s see those vice-presidents try to stare you down. HA! Employee motivation soars under threat of a good mauling. Health beneift costs are cut in half as doughnuts and pastries are replaced by nuts, berries, and sunflower seeds. Company market share goes through the roof because they’re being run by a bear. How cool is that??? Competition rolls over and plays dead every time you even look their direction.

    Everyone that’s not a politician keeps saying that corporations aren’t people. Well, here’s your chance to prove them right. Corporations can be bears!

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  22. The best place to hide is within yourself. Any introvert knows this.

    Daughter and I took in the new Muppet movie last weekend. Thoroughly enjoyed it and was thinking about how my baboon friends would enjoy it too and felt your presence right there in the theater with me. Made the movie even better.

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  23. I had a truly sad phone call with my daughter tonight. She has a terrible cold. She’ll wake up tomorrow, assess things and decide if she and Liam should still come. My guess: they won’t fly with her feeling that crummy. And of course, they’d reschedule as soon as possible.

    😦

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    2. Well thoot. That would thuck. Thorrow! (If i may borrow from Clyde.) I hope Daughter and Liam are able to come for the theceduled vithit (eek – it’th hard to thtop onthe you thart thith madneth).

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    4. I hope you don’t think we’re being inthenthitive, Thteve, but it ith irrethithtible.

      Seriously, if they can’t come, you must think of something fun to do (try writing a lisping paragragh, for starters) to soak up some of that time.

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  25. I am sorry Steve, as one grandfather to another. We are lucky to have ours so close.
    I am rather jubilant, for a reason you will understand. I just had a very good and quite inventive chapter completely write itself, you know what I mean.

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