Poems

Baboons on the Housetop

40 Comments

Many thanks to the Trail Baboon readers and writers who gave me some extra time to combine work with holiday rituals this week. Steve, Joanne in Big Lake, Barbara in Robbinsdale, Jim in Clark’s Grove, and Beth-Ann made my Christmas brighter with their engaging guest posts.

But this morning for the sake of entertainment the contrarian side of my brain started imagining the opposite sort of scene to the tune of Clement Moore’s famous “A Visit From St. Nicholas,” which needs to be parodied regularly anyway as part of our holiday tradition. Unfortunately time has run out, so I’ll have to rely on you to supply the final lines:

On the night before Christmas, our house was in ruins.
Invaded, it seems, by a pack of baboons!
Though our stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
The baboons pulled them down and tossed stuff in the air.

They were covered in fur, from each head to each toe,
But their rumps lit the room with a fierce crimson glow.
They dismantled our tree in a riotous scene
Leaving pine needles piled under branches of green.

All the snowmen and angels were pulled from their shelves.
The baboons were unkind to our reindeer and elves.
What they did to our ornaments – that was obscene!
Left untouched, by the way? Our nativity scene.

But their eyes were ferocious! Their noses were flared!
Did I mention their bottoms were wickedly bared?
Every gift was torn open and played with and busted.
Baboons in the house really shouldn’t be trusted.

And as they were leaving with screeching and whooping
(I’m sure in the yard I’ll find several were pooping)
I didn’t lament all that savaged décor
Because that’s not what Christmastime ought to be for.

And here is the place where I’m stymied. I’m blocked.
The muse is gummed up like a Christmas tree, flocked.
So get out your pens. Write it florid or terse,
and end this short poem with just one final verse.

40 thoughts on “Baboons on the Housetop”

  1. To the rooftop they sprang still chewing their gristle
    And to all bloggers they gave a wolf whistle
    And I heard them exclaim as they screeched out of sight
    “Eek, scree, bleah” which I’ll interpret as “Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night”

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  2. Greetings from Green Bay! Wonderful poem, Dale. I will leave it to more talented baboons to finish the verse. Despite the promise of clear skies in the forecast, we had a nasty, slippery drive to Green Bay yesterday. Yikes! But after a couple glasses of wine and a good night’s sleep; all is well. My brother and his wife are extremely hospitable — like a bed and breakfast. Have a wondrous and joyful holiday. Hope to see some of you at Tim’s on 1/1/2012.

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    1. i have to bow out of the 1/1 game day at my house. i was informed i am housing relatives and the agenda is rewritten.2/2 is my one conflict for the 2012 calander with first thursday poker night so i will get back to you on that one too.

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      1. i propose we move the january game day to 1/8 at my house and the february to 2/3 instead if friday night works for everyone.. fondue primed and ready to go when the shrimp get back from target onions and scotch tape too

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  3. They sprang quick away, so I will end this epistle.
    Of the matter, here’s the meat, not bone or the gristle:
    Baboons in your house the toilet might clog,
    They’re slightly better behaved on a blog.

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  4. and the bright jolly elf did his best once again
    and all the baboons had a nice time and then
    they all went back home to the their bleesed blogland
    where life is just exactly what you type with your hand

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  5. those baboons cant be trusted you must keep an eye on em
    the only safe way is a straight jacket to try on em
    but those baboons are tricky they’ll be back and then
    we will start out another blog and we’ll blog on again

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  6. Yes they had in fact been strewing pooh on the green
    But it left a nice message, not naught or mean
    It drips and on plops it spelled out “Thanks Dale!”
    Other blog spots are nice, but twit TB they pale.

    Happy SolsticeChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaNewYears to all. May the pooh that is flung at your events and homes be strictly celebratory.

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  7. The babooners left a mess, of this I have no doubt
    Their activities aren’t too orderly, on this you can count
    But with Dale in the lead, you have nothing to fear
    And I’m sure they are wishing all a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

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  8. From Chris, Renee’s husband:
    Though baboons can be troublesome–nevertheless,
    Anything loving involves quite a mess.
    Don’t fret about clean-up, be of good cheer,
    And don’t foreswear blogging this coming New Year.

    (Husband composed this in less than 3 minutes)

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      2. what is weaving while you play hand bells? i’m envisioning setting them down and picking up others and then coming back for them again?

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      3. That’s it! It takes some coordination, since you have to know what bell you need next, and make sure you put your bells down in the right place and in the right order so you can reach for them and not pick up the wrong one. Since we played in a bell quartet, that meant we each had two times the bells we usually have.

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  11. Wonderful work, one and all. A Happy Christmas to you!
    I am in post-feast-hosting mode, so nothing literary here. Up early to update my annual notes for the feast (item one, buy more pickled herring!) before the day really starts. We purposely have a very low-key Christmas Day and like it that way.
    Thanks for the gift that keeps on giving, Dale.

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  12. Follow up: if you remember, my 6-year old grandson wanted a tux so he could play spy. My daughter bought a used wedding tux off EBay for $10.(In the meantime he has developed a magic act, too.) As he put it on they told him where they got it. His eyes popped. “You mean this is a live tuxedo? I feel sooooo fancy.”

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  15. fondure and belly laughs last night , then present wrapping until the wee hours. quick sleep and up to see what santa brought. great stuff. muppets christmas for me, the little ones in their corners with new favorite stuff. nice nice nice. what a christmas weekend. i had the sun overheating the south facing kitchen and living room all day yeaterday and am looking forward to it agin today. i went out and bar b qued yesterday (threw on a chicken and a fist full of brats for the arrniverous visitors and like cyldes grandsons newest tick, they disappeared in seconds) and what a day to stand on the deck. it was like 70 ish feeling we have been in florida and gotten tougher weather. boxing day tomorrow. i could get used to this…. enjoy baboons
    festivites over the weekend is done
    i hope it was wonderful or at least fun
    and dale has us all touching base as we say
    merry christmas baboons have a marvelous day

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  16. The baboons hung around until Christmas Day.
    They wanted to cavort, to romp, and to play.
    Of each other they now felt quite fondily.
    Through the excellent auspices of their host Dale Connelly.

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  17. the Flaming Archbishop is ready to heat (right after we care for the goats – don’t want to stumble around out there in front of them and set a bad example)
    my favorite gift is two cans of Summer Shandy sent from Sioux Falls, S.D. i told my brother this morning, saying i’d try to save them until summer and he said in his best Uncle Clarence accent (our favorite uncle who talked really “tick”) “Oh, you better drink dat right now – dat’ll go bad on ya real quick!” so den i put it in the fridge for dis week.
    hope everyone had a good a weekend as tim did.
    thanks, Dale.

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    1. i tink yer rudder haz de right tot hey. better trink er quick. summer shandy heck its already past its life expectancy isnt it. bury them dead soldiers before it tuuu late.

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  19. No time till now! Got my mom over here twice, for oyster stew last night and fish & lefse tonight. Played lots of Crazy Eights, 5 of us. Nephew just showed us one of his gifts – 5th season of a show called Psych – anyone know it? – hilarious, reminds me vaguely of I Spy (with Cosby and Culp).

    Best thing though is Nephew-Son’s baby was born Friday evening. 8 #s, named him Micah Joel. Meerrry Christmas, all you Baboons!

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