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State of the Bunion Address

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It’s time once again for that annual address by Congressman Loomis Beechly of the 9th District, representing all the water surface area of the State of Minnesota.

Greetings Constituents!

Each year around this time I make a speech where I try my darndest to sound like I’m giving you an honest overview of how things are going in the 9th District. And I’m here to tell you that the district is solid, just the way all water surfaces should be at the end of January!

Some gloomy negative-thinkers will say that our solidity is just barely there, that there is a lot more open water than usual and silver carp and zebra mussels are gaining ground every year. But I can’t agree with that. Because we all know there are things you don’t want to hear, and it’s up to me to remember NOT say those things out loud, even if I happen to be thinking them. Over-sharing is a terrible social error, and at times I have been accused of providing Too Much Information. This year is no different. I have a whole list of stuff I’m not going to mention to you now. If I sound a little loopy it’s not that I’ve been drinking. It’s just that I’m biting my tongue. A lot.

Some have said there’s a kind of disengagement going on, where people are too focused on their own personal problems at the expense of meeting our shared challenges, and that this widespread self-indulgent pettiness is the cause of many of our current problems. But I know you don’t want to hear about selfishness, especially not your own. And anyway, I don’t think you’re self absorbed at all. And I know it will make you happy to hear that I’ve been thinking about you so much.

One other thing that’s been on my mind pretty much non-stop that I definitely don’t want to talk about is weird thing going on with my right foot. My big toe has turned inwards and is rubbing up against all the other toes. It’s like looking at a line of plump, misshapen dominos. One irritates the other and the other and the other, right on down the line. The doctor says I have a bunion. All I know is this – I used to have toes that lined up nice and worked together. Everybody knew their role. This Little Piggy went to market, this Little Piggy stayed home, and so forth. Now they all want to have roast beef and they’re climbing all over each other and it looks like a rugby scrum inside my shoe.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m here to tell you that in spite of the murmurings, everything is fundamentally O.K.. And even though I’m limping a little bit I’m pretty sure that I could beat anyone who challenged me to a footrace, because I have the greatest feet the world has ever known. Even though the big toe thinks the little toes are useless, and the little toes think the big one is a greedy, self important stinker. But really, the brutal truth is that none of them smell too good.

I’ve said too much.

So if anyone should ask, my message to you is that The State of the Bunion is good, and strong, and super-powerful, and a lot of other positive words that may or may not really apply. And if anyone tells you otherwise, and that person is running for office, please tell them to run against me because they obviously have no idea what people want to hear!

Thanks for your attention, and God Bless the 9th District!

I have no idea what that was really about, but it read like a serious speech and it took up a lot of time, so I’ll have to concede that Mr. Beechly appears to be doing his job. But I am a bit worried about that bunion.

How do you feel about your feet?

73 thoughts on “State of the Bunion Address”

  1. Good Morning Baboons; hope you get out of bed on the right foot this morning!

    Can’t say that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my feet, but now that I do, I realize that my right foot is my wrong foot. It’s the one with the bunion. When I feel my feet, it’s usually because they hurt or are cold, but really, I can’t complain. These two feet, despite their small size, have served me well and have a lot of miles on them. And, for the past fifteen years, they have carried around an awful lot of weight. It may be time to give them their third pedicure as a reward for good service.

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  2. Good morning to all. My feet are great. They aren’t suffering at all due to the toe nail fungus and that big dark toe nail is not a problem. I am also great. I don’t know have anything to worry about. I know that things are going well or will be going well soon because Obama told us this was true last night. But if ihe isn’t completely right, I’m sure those wonderful GOP canidates have the answers for any problems that Obama might have over looked.

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  3. This is a good day for me to let others have all the glory of posting. I hate my feet and have looked into replacing them with those things that look like auto springs. I have three major maladies, all of which are unkind to feet. Sometimes I think the only thing worse than having feet is not having feet, so I’ll just say that and shut up.

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    1. Sorry, Steve…

      When i was a kid, don’t remember what age, I got something as a present – don’t know what it was called, but they strapped onto the bottom of my shoes and had big springs so I could bounce (bounce more than usual, that is – I had way more energy back then). Maybe you need something like that.

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      3. Yup, that’s right! My memory’s fuzzy about how well they worked, too – but I know I liked the idea of them and they probably annoyed the snot of my sisters and brother and parents when I used them.

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      6. That’s what I’m talking about, PJ… that’s some crazy mad tap-skating skills! There wasn’t much I wasn’t willing to attempt with roller skates strapped on my feet. My brother even had me (without my knowledge or consent) skate through a homemade flame thrower (he hid behind a fire hydrant with a can of mom’s Aquanet hairspray & a match and waited for me to skate by)! Good times 🙂

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  4. Rise and Droop Baboons!

    My feet are up and resting this morning. I woke up with the cold I’ve been fighting for a few days. I am staying home from work until noon, so I am off my feet. Most days I appreciate my feet and the mobility they provide, especially on summer mornings when the dog and I take off for our long walks through the neighborhood. Over the last year they have been talking back a bit–some arthritis probably. I have very ticklish feet, as well, which turns PJ’s Pedicure Award into torture!

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  5. I get along quite well with my feet. Although somewhat difficult to shoe properly, because they are wide through the forefoot and not very long, they are usually free of complaints. They prefer a flat shoe most of the time, and in the summer they like to go bare. This hour of the day they are protected from the chill by plush socks or fuzzy slippers.

    I can walk for several miles without trouble, and I can run, too, if running is required; as long as I don’t run for office I’ll be fine.

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  6. I have always liked my feet until the last couple of years, when I started having trouble with my right foot. I grew up with feet that were nicely sized for my height, nicely constructed, and never had any pain and I could wear any kind of shoes I wanted.People said my toes looked like cute little people. About 5 years ago I participated in a 5k run/walk with some friends. I was not in the greatest shape, and I quite thoughtlessly wore a very old pair of sneakers. It was just a walk, right? I had no idea how competitive the other walkers were. I pushed myself far harder than I should have, and pride was my downfall. I was pretty much at the back of the pack as we came to the finish, and there was no way I was going to let the extremely pregnant lady beat me, so I really pushed and pounded and finished the race with really sore feet, and my right foot has never recovered. I have a real bunion and can’t really wear flats anymore.

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    1. i thought flats is what you do wear when you feet are messed up. i would suggest going to a chiropractor or podiatrist for the care your right foot needs. a year is long enough to know something is not right. cute little poeple? no one every referenced my toes that way.

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      2. I went to an orthopedic guy and found I had cracked a bone at the base of my great toe and there was nothing really to be done about it. I find that well constructed Merrell’s or Keen’s with good arch support have helped a lot. I also replace my sneakers more regularly. The Merrell’s I like are not too unstylish, even though our local shoe guy tells me they are really popular with the Hutterite ladies who come to town every so often. I can manage heels now, but only for special occasions.

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    2. Maybe there’s a business idea – a nail salon with the slogan “We can make your toes look like cute little people” – and they paint little tiny faces on your toenails. And put hats on them.

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  7. a fistfull of years ago i had a warehouse accident where i had to jump off the top of something from about 20 feet in the air to keep from being squished by something else. it was the only logical thing to do and all i could do was try to minimize the end result, i was focusing on not smashing my face into the rapidly approaching object and i succeeded in only breaking two teeth instead of my feared outcome of busting my head open. the only problem was that while i was focusing on my head my foot was doing a crash and burn and no one was looking after it at all. i shattered the plate across the top of the foot in 9 places and i had an uncle who was the head orthopedic surgeon in town who gave me to his best foot guy and the decision was to let it heal up the best it could on its own. no surgery required just walk funny for a little while. the finish was that it didn’t heal right and i can’t run anymore. it took two years to be able to walk without looking like igor in the frankenstein dragging the foot along with the rest of the gnarled stump. i hada friend when i broke the foot whose daughter living in chicago had just finished medical school and had decided on the foot as her specialty. the foot has more bones than the rest of the body combined. we let it get wet and sit in crusty old boots all day and cram it into ill fitting footwear that is chosen for some reason other than the wellness of the foot on a regular basis. i see the babes on those stiletto heels and i just shake my head. glad its not me. i like to wear cowboy boots and i like the riding heel but a day of that leaves my back wishing i wasnt such a weirdo. birkies are good. i have some born shoes that are good. i think many of the tennis shoes that are out there today are good. timberline has the ability to make good orthopedic shoes that fit and support my feet well but then there are those italian shoes that look so nice and feel so soft and while i didn’t understand the appeal for the longest time i am afraid i do now. i dont own them but it is like a ferrari or a masserati. it makes no sense at all but man, wouldn’t that be cool. i went to the chiropractor weekly for about two years and had him doink and pull and crack and crease every facet of the thing on the bottom of my leg that used to be a foot and it is as close to done as its gonna get. i can’t run i can’t walk fast, i am no longer able to do the athletic stuff i used to enjoy although it saves me from making excuses about not being able to do the athletic stuff i used to be able to do and if the little unnoticed malady is what i have to complain about in this life i will be fine. i think senator beechleys bunion is similar to the broken plate on my foot and the situation in the united states today. it used to be ok and we long for a simpler time in the past when we were able to live life without all the current concerns and yet there is no turning back. onward and upward with a limp and without being able to run or walk fast is the best i can do right now. kind of like obama and loomis and the united states right now. you know a thia foot massage feels real good but it is dealing with the symptom not the cause. you can relieve the discomfort for the moment but then its over and you are right back where you started. careful senator careful.
    ‘

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    2. tim, I recently wrote a friend, telling her that she could picture me walking by referring to Igor (EYE-gore) in “Young Frankenstein.” Then last weekend I watched that movie again. Sheeesh! Igor could run circles around me. I can just pray that I’ll look as good as Igor sometime in the future!

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      2. I was watching Young Frankenstein on tv two weekends ago and the teenager came in from the other room. “I thought you were watching a comedy.” When I said that yes, I was, she stayed for just a few minutes and despite my declaration that it is one of the funniest movies EVER made, she rolled her eyes and departed.

        “Youth is wasted on the wrong people.” Bonus points for origin of this quote!

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  8. Morning all. A couple of people have asked me this morning if I listened to the speech last night; although I didn’t, I’m pretty sure I know what he said, based on Beechly’s speech!

    I hate to admit that my feet, being as far from my brain as possible while still being connected to my body, do not get much thought from me. No issues. And I’m not into shoes either. Poor ole feet!

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  9. Funny you should ask this question today, Dale. While I don’t “like” my feet, I think I better start acting like I like them and take better care of them. I tend to get nasty, thick callous/skin on my heels and if I don’t take good care of them, that stuff can crack and owie, that really hurts. That happened a couple of days ago, so now I’m doing daily foot soaks and putting heavy duty lotion on under my socks.And I think it’s time to buy a new pair of tennis shoes.

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  10. Morning.

    I see we’re all in good company here… I inherited my Dad’s lousy feet. Although I don’t have the bunions he has, I do have flat arches.
    And since a farm accident to my right leg when I was 14, I have limited motion and feeling in my right foot. So I favor the left leg which eventually gave me arthritis and pain in my left knee. And then just after Christmas I jumped out of the pick up box because, well, I guess I thought I was still 20 yrs old. And twisted my right ankle. So, like tim, I’m still trying to “…walk without looking like igor in the frankenstein dragging the foot along with the rest of the gnarled stump…”
    Some mornings it takes longer to get going than others.
    On the bright side, I can predict the weather!

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  11. My feet were great till I started to develop a hammer toe a few years ago. It has the effect that Loomis B. mentioned, where it’s starting to turn toes in a different direction, with the effect that I now need wider shoes. And the other foot has started now. But I can still dance, and walk if my hip arthritis isn’t acting up… As some of you have mentioned, I need to start paying better attention to them.

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  12. My former wife had a grandma who was what some people might call “fat.” I’m not that cruel. But if you ran into her at a shopping center and had to walk around her, by the time you got to the far side you could be pretty tired. She developed diabetes, to nobody’s surprise, and eventually a doctor had to remove one of her legs. She had it buried in the family cemetery lot in a metal box.

    When the rest of Grandma Schnoes died many years later, they dug up the metal box and then buried Grandma along with her old leg. She said she didn’t want to meet The Lord hopping on one leg, and the image of that woman hopping along over the clouds in Heaven is enough to convince me she had the right idea.

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    1. My mom used the phrase “pleasantly plump.” As a kid, I thought that was hilarious (I was very skinny then) – why not call a fat person “fat”, Mom? Now I can appreciate her tactfulness.

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  13. After all your stories, I feel pretty lucky about my feet. I have ugly toes with the big toes curling up (concave nails) as though they should be housed in Aladdin shoes. And the feet are flat. But the touchiest issue is my susceptibility to blisters. On a vacation to Grand Canyon in my yout and a Parents’ Weekend visit to my son in NY with days of walking, I developed massive raw places on toes and heels. A solution that works flawlessly is two-layer socks. The sock layers slide against the shoe and each other and leave my feet alone.
    I did listen to/watch the SOTU and was impressed and still happy to have an intelligent president. I hope we can keep him.

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    1. I like the “Aladdin shoes” image. There are actually some leather ethnic folk dancing shoes I used to have (called “opanci) that looked just like that. Should’ve kept ’em.

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    2. Lisa, I believe toenails that curve upward are a sign of an iron deficiency. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about it: Koilonychia is when the nail curves upwards (becomes spoon-shaped) due to an iron deficiency. The normal process of change is: brittle nails, straight nails, spoon-shaped nails.
      It may be a good idea talking to your doctor about it.

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  14. Completely OT (unless you want to count feet getting cold). National Geographic Traveler magazine has named the St. Paul Winter Carnival the 4th best winter carnival in the world! It was listed in The Line today!

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  15. My feet are fine, at least so far. I have pampered them with good shoes, so that helps (I walk like a linebacker in heels, which just isn’t pretty, and have a high enough instep that even if I really wanted to wear cheap shoes, my feet generally won’t fit in the shoe). I have a hip that is old before its time, but that traces back to foolishness in high school in the weight room, which tore up my knee, and then I had too much “I’m young and invincible” bravado so I didn’t take care of it, so now the familial arthritis has found me early and I have a hip that is 15 years older than the rest of me. So my feet are happy, and the hip stays happier b/c I keep my feet in good shoes. Current faves are a line of clogs that are patent leather with fun designs (I have black floral and a dark tortoise-shell – and really really want the iridescent blue mary janes I saw in a catalog…).

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    1. Your comment about clogs reminds me that I did have a run-in w/ that nasty plantar fasciitis many many years ago. Solved by my first pair of Birkenstocks. In fact, solved so quickly (w/in 24 hours) that it seemed a little freaky. Birkenstocks are still my footwear of choice, although in the summer I am a zorrie/flip flop addict.

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  16. Funny, I like my feet now better than I used to. When I was little, much was made of my various foot and leg problems (narrow feet, nearly nonexistant arches, weak ankles, knock knees, etc.) and when fancy sneakers became fashionable I was only allowed to wear Keds, which came in white and, I think, blue. Boring! Actually, I think my parents were snowed by an overcontrolling shoe salesman. By junior high age I decided to wear whatever I wanted, which led to my current prediliction for Converse high-tops and Vegetarian Shoes workboots. I’d still like to have better arches, but thanks to a lifetime of anti-fashion footwear my toes are nice and straight and bunion-free.

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  17. I like my feet. They take me for long hikes and they’ve been very patient with all the abuse they’ve had to accept. I used to have great, happy feet. They were pretty and tan. I was told they were beautiful and I was always barefoot. I also have unusually long, prehensile toes. I’m great at a grape stomp because I can stomp and squeeze!

    Unfortunately, now I have arthritis in both feet, especially the right one. Last fall, when I sprained my left ankle, my right foot had to compensate and I developed plantar fasciitis. I do stretches that really seem to help with the fasciitis.

    I’ve had to learn to keep good shoes on my feet. They prefer to be bear naked free, but I have to wear shoes with good arch support now. My favorites are Birks, Keen and New Balance walking/hiking shoes. I used to wear ballet flats when we played at the Wine Cafe. I’d be on my feet for several hours and they let me know the next day that they didn’t appreciate it. I have a pair of Earth shoes, but I like the Birks better. Right now I’m wearing my old Vasque hiking boots that I bought at Nokomis shoe store in the 1980s. Those are great boots.

    I watched the SOTU last night too. He makes everything sound so easy. Why don’t we just go get those things done? I hope we can keep him too.

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  18. This topic’s comments have birthed a brand new awareness for me and it’s rather unpleasant: the more I’ve read about other people’s feet, the stronger the “eeewwwww” factor grows. Until today, I didn’t know that talking about feet makes me recoil. Perhaps it’s the only subject I never worked through in therapy or perhaps I’ve been in foot-aversion denial, but all this talk has unfortunately raised my consciousness and revealed a body part I’ve disowned.

    OT: Obama hit it out of the park last night. Even FOX pundits were praising the speech. It was also refreshing to hear Daniels’ speech because it was an old-fashioned, earnest, dyed-in-the-wool fiscally conservative Republican talking. I thought they were all extinct?

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  19. I was about to say that our feet are probably our most unforgiving body part… once they’ve been damaged, they are a bear to heal (first time typed that came out “a bare to heel”…maybe because I rarely wear shoes). But then I had to stop myself and think “Can you blame them?” They are also, by far, the most abused & overused (and under appreciated) body part… so I think they’re justified in giving us a little attitude. I had a “suspicious looking” spot between my toes removed years ago… the surgery triggered an altered gait during the healing process that brought on new issues that I’ve just had to learn to live with. My feet are far from perfect, but I always remember to thank them for all that they do for me. Oh, the places we’ve been!

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  21. Okay, Dale used denyiing problems with feet as a way of refering to how politicans, in this case Obama, spin speaches like the State of the Union address. I was very offended by that talk which potrayed our military activities overseas as great patriotic efforts. Almost no one believes that. Why can he get away with saying that. We can pretend that nothing is wrong with our feet and we can pretend that it is okay to wage terrible wars and let our President say they are victories. Also we can talk about our feet and never metioned that anything is wrong with the way our President, whom we want to like, is leading our country.

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    1. I flinched at those comments, too. It’s great to praise the troops for their service but these particular activities are not praiseworthy and certainly not victories.

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    2. Jim, I had pretty much the same reaction with regard to Obama’s military comments, but I think you’re wrong when you say that no one believes that. Most people that I know give the military credit for defending our freedoms. Don’t know if it is a reaction to the war in Vietnam, where returning soldiers were shunned, but I see a very deliberate effort to giving our service men and woman a lot of credit no matter how unpalatable and unjust the wars they wage. I have often wondered just exactly how attacking other countries for political reasons can be construed as defending our freedoms, but I have to be very careful to whom I voice that sentiment. I don’t think a song like Unversal Soldier would not be well received in the US today.

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      1. I think the soldiers have been put in a bad position. They have told by our government that they have a job to do. It is our government and not the soldiers that is responsible. I think the soldiers need to be treated well by the goverment and, even if we don’t agree with our goverment, we should give the soldiers good treatment. However, it shouldn’t be too hard for most people to see that these wars are not good things and our government has made a mess of them. As a person who sent the soldiers to war, Obama seems to want us to think these were and are good wars which many people know they aren’t.

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      2. In no way do I think that Obama genuinely supports these wars. I think that his words were absolutely necessary to find the middle ground, thereby retaining the necessary political capital for tackling the country’s issues. He inherited these wars, after all, and coming out against them would clearly render him powerless to influence the changes he can. In other words, my sense is that he paid homage in order to move us forward. In a way, he’s “choosing his battles”, and denigrating the wars after the horrendous loss of treasure would be unwise. IMO.

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      3. I think the overall approach to foreign policy by Obama and his adminstration has been to threaten other countries and not make good use of diplomacy and I think even if he didn’t want to fight the wars he has fought, he has not used diplomacy in ending these wars when he should have done this.

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      4. It’s OK that we disagree on this issue. In contrast to the last 3 presidents, he’s a dove. I certainly would’ve preferred a far more diplomatic strategy, but I’m appreciating the relative retreat from hard-core cowboyism.

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  22. I love my feet, bequeathed to me by my maternal grandmother (I suspect as consolation prize for also getting her teeth, the less said about those, the better). They are small, narrow and well-suited to vintage shoes. On a practical note, they get me many of the places I need to go with no burning of fossil fuels.

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