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Destination Hospital!

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Today’s post comes from idea generator Spin Williams.

Hello future patients!

Here at The Meeting That Never Ends, we’re all abuzz about the just-announced, urgently hoped-for expansion by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. The grand vision is that with a 6 billion dollar investment, including over a half billion from the state, the famous medical complex will grow to employ another 25 to 30 thousand people and be even bigger in size and more influential, clout-wise.

Already in those two key categories, the Mayo is massive and irresistible.

But we love big, powerful things, and we’re most excited by the announced intention of all this money-funnelling – to create a “Global Destination Medical Center.”

Around the table at T.M.T.N.E., we were unanimous in our reactions – “Yes! Yes! Yes!” What the planet needs is a Global Destination Hospital – a medical Disneyland! This is a place you come to celebrate the joy of feeling better even when you’re not sick to begin with. Because nothing feels as good as feeling good, unless it’s feeling good in the company of people who are feeling a whole lot worse!

As freelance commercial opportunists, we at The Meeting That Never Ends would like to build a ring of hotels around the outskirts of the Global Destination Medical Center – lodging (and more) for patients and partygoers. The rides would be awesome – a Whirling Gurney Glider, the Bedpan Panic Plummet, The Co-Pay Coaster, the Tilt-a-Hurl, It’s a Small Intestine, and of course an M.R.Imax Theater.

And who knows? While on vacation at Mayo World, you might feel like you’re coming down with something! No worries – you’re already in the happiest place (for doctors) on Earth.

In fact, you could make a strong argument that we’re ALL headed for one Destination Hospital or another eventually. Why not make your ultimate destination the best one in the world? In fact, mixed in with the on-site hotels we can have hundreds of retirement community buildings so people over 65 can just go LIVE at the hospital. And another housing development would cater to families with young children – they’re always going to the emergency room anyway.

Why not?

Mayo World is a brilliant idea, and we’d like to get in on the ground floor. Or even a second floor walk-up would be acceptable. How about you?

As is his habit, Spin is already ahead of the crowd on this one. Of course the world is ready for a medical care theme park / resort / gated community. But why stop there? Cemeteries are also looking for new marketing angles – mostly to compensate for the increasing numbers of people who are choosing cremation and having their ashes spread, rather than buried. Why not establish a Global Destination Eternal Resting Place, where people can go to enjoy some recreation and relaxation before they eventually go back for disintegration?

What kind of fun attraction would you like to see at Mayo World?

56 thoughts on “Destination Hospital!”

  1. One advantage (?) of having to be up for Month End processing is that I get to post before Clyde and Jim.
    To go along with Dale’s Bedpan Panic Plummet: the Colonoscopy Centrifuge. On an exciting, whirling, gravity-defying ride, prepare for your colonoscopy without having to drink those gallons of unpleasant beverage.

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    1. I’m glad to see you here so early in the morning, Lisa. I don’t see being the first to post as always being a good thing. I usually have more fun responding to posts made by others than I have coming up something to say on the first post of the day.

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    2. I was up at 2 and then remember you were going to be up and left the tablae rasa for you. Or I was up at 2 and could not make my brain work–the Ambien, you know.
      Then later I thought of those dropping straight down rides called The High Colonic.

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    3. Colonoscopy Centrifuge? Lisa, you are a genius. I can visualize this huge ride like a giant top and all the senior citizens would be parked on the outer edge so they would reach maximum Gs as the thing whirls faster and faster. NASA had the Vomit Comet; this would be the next logical development. You are brilliant.

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  2. Good morning. I think Ben might have some interesting things to say today because he is from the Rochester area. I have been to the Mayo Complex in Rochester many times, myself. I think it is already too big, but they do have some of the best doctors that can be found any place practicing there.

    Here is are some ideas if the plan is to turn the Rochester area into a the kind of thing Spin is talking about. They already have some minor league sports teams in Rochester. They should get some advice from the Saints ball club in St. Paul and do things like having barbers in the stands and pigs on the playing field. Then these teams would become important sources of entertainment in the new entertainment complex for the expanded Mayo operation.

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  3. Some of us already find the Mayo Complex to be metastatic enough, but I think there is ample room for co-branding. Can the Sherpa Intimida add an ambulance to its line? Then guests/patients would be able to travel in bulk between attractions.

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    2. Yes, I agree about the excessive metastatic nature of Mayo. They spread to Albert Lea with our local hospital becoming part of the Mayo system, but they really didn’t do much to improve the Albert Lea hospital which isn’t a place I would go for top of the line medical care.

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      1. They are here too and have kept this hospital one of the most dangerous in the state. Now they are driving to drive out all other local medical services.

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        1. I think the Ambien is lingering today as well as being strong last night. “. . . trying to drive out all other . . .”

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  4. I would suggest the house of gaak . All sorts of stuff to make you toss your cookies . Smells from various parts of the hospital piped into the ororama chamber. Stick your hands in buckets of… What was that? The magical world of body parts no longer working correctly, amputations and surgically removed stuff galore. Kinda creepy in the house of horrors and the cannible kitchen deli but educational in the magica world of body parts, jump into the body part transporter and ride around on a tour of former organs and appendages . Gosh the bile in the vomit bags can be recycled into the odorama chamber, no sense wasting when recycling is possible. We want a green theme park. Why buy new when when someone else’s old stuff will do. Shark tank and perannah river ride where over the hill parts and fluids make fun filled water park fun . Gee who would have thought there was a use for all this disgusting stuff and the theme park characters tommy tinge depressor and Hymie hypodermic needle, kathie cathador , Thurman thermometer the fun will go on and on

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    2. Posts like this one of yours, tim, should come with a warning of a threat to contented dining. Glad I had my breakfast before I read it.

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  5. Perhaps a Waiting-for-Your-Lab-Results flume ride (or maybe that should be more like those coasters that twist and spin in circles while you also go up and down), an On-Hold-Merry-Go-Round, and the Specialist Bumper Cars would be good additions. Or perhaps you’d prefer a ride on the Tunnel-of-Pharmacies ride (nothing romantic there)? The Alternative Medicine House O’ Fun (laughter is the best medicine, so they say)?…

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    1. This Medical House of Fun could be a theater or even a chain of theaters like in Branson. Standup comedians would regale the audiences with endless jokes about diarrhea and heart attacks and witty exchanges between patients and docs. Some people not only find this uproariously funny but they laugh at almost nothing else.

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  6. I’ve heard for years about all the leaders of nations and celebrities who already go to Mayo, so I am surprised to think they feel they have more to do before they can before they can truly be considered a World Destination.

    Clearly, I am not thinking big enough.

    I am grateful to have had comparatively little experience of hospitals, but I’ve lived in a celebrity town, so my contribution to TMTNE is to get another Sherpa rigged out to be a celebrity tour bus/Med/Surg ward. Convalescents could tour the facility in all it’s vastness trying to spot celebrity patients and filling out their celebrity bingo cards, all without ever having to leave their beds or disconnect from IVs or equipment.

    Meanwhile, the celebrities would be travelling throughout the facility in their stretch Sherpa private units (with heavily tinted glass, so as to not be spotted, merely speculated upon).

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  7. Husband suggests Phobia World for real thrill seekers, and i think Delusion Isle for people who just want to get away from it all.

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  8. This place would not be complete without a lot of smaller booths or buildings scattered about to appeal to tourists who could just pop in and get a quick enema or have their blood drawn and analyzed on the spot by technicians in wacky costumes. Tourists would love it if the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices were moved to Rochester. I’m sure the medical theme park would need a Hall of Fame, but I’m less sure what it would feature. Great Quacks from American History? Or maybe positive stories celebrating doctors who delivered the most babies or great surgeons famous for being steady in the operating theater in spite of monster hangovers.

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  10. Morning-
    Well, if you think I’m going to say anything derogatory about the city’s largest employer, the owner of basically all of downtown, the place sometimes sarcastically referred to as the ‘WFMC’ (world famous Mayo Clinic) and my occasional employer and employer to wife, mom, brother, sister, and in-laws… plus benefactor to many worthwhile organizations, well, I’m not.
    I am loving all your suggestions for time spent at this destination.
    I think Mayo does play the bully sometimes.

    I really have no other health providers to compare it too. I have certainly received quality health care from the times I’ve been there both serious issues and not so serious issues. They can remove a deeply imbedded sliver as well as repair a leg.

    My thought was I’m not so sure I want to live this close to a place that has become a World Destination. It brings a lot of other baggage with it.
    And yet–
    Rochester doesn’t have nice performing arts building. Or dedicated space for dance. There are a couple small theaters (seating 200 – 300) and the civic center’s multi purpose rooms and the civic center theater seating maybe 1000 but lacking some technical requirements. Rochester is too small (and too close) to the cities to get major touring acts or plays. But we don’t have an ‘Orpheum’ type place.
    A lady here in town started a campaign a few years ago to start a performing arts space. Her boys play hockey and there’s 5 indoor hockey rinks in town. But how come her daughters dance recital got bumped out of a high school theater and there’s nowhere for her to perform?
    Good idea, not enough money to follow through. So maybe, with this medical destination designation we’d get a performing arts space. I hope I’m still mentally agile enough to enjoy it when it gets here.
    (That’s me taking a narrow, self centered, view of this).

    Maybe I’ll have more diverse comments later when my brain warms up.

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    1. I like Rochester as a city of destinations not medical or to pass through from north/south or east/west, as we have had to do for many years now. I like the downtown. Their hospital here is really bad, deadly bad sometimes. Gets terrible ratings and they have done nothing to improve it.
      But “over there, over there.” That’s the medical theme song here, “over there.” If you get a boil on your butt, everyone wants you to go “over there, over there.”

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    2. I went to a Bob Dylan concert in Rochester not too long ago. He certainly wasn’t in a great performance place in my opinion. It was great to see Bob Dylan, but the sound quality was not good and the stage setting also was not good. I think part of the problem was due to Dylan as well as the facility. He did nothing to enhance his performance. He just got up there and ripped through his songs and that was it. No talking to the audience. No featuring some outstanding musicians he had with him and a very similar presentation for every song.

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    3. Ben, I think Dylan missed out when he failed to have you to do a light show to accompany his performance in Rochester.

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      1. I worked a Dylan show out on a ball field here in Rochester once. Got the T-shirt to prove it. In fact, IIRC, it was my last ‘stage hand’ show before getting the college job and not have time for civic center stage hand work anymore.
        (That was a big deal; if the tour gave the crew T-shirts afterward. I have quite a bunch. All X-large of course. You don’t see many ‘small’ stagehands.)

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  11. Ben’s comments about the lack of performing arts space gives me an idea. Why can’t Mayo world have actors roaming the grounds portraying medical heroes and heroines, reenacting important medical discoveries and talking to visitors about their lives. Think of all the unemployed actors we could help! We could also resurrect all the old medical themed soap operas. General Hospital could run for years, and add a lot of drama to the place.

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  12. What this place really needs is some medical quiz shows. The obvious one would be “What’s Wrong With Me?” Some patient would sit in a fancy booth with several docs in a panel, asking questions, like “What’s your BP, honey?” or “Are your stools yellow?” Audience members, like in Wheel of Fortune, would get to guess along with the diagnosticians to see who got the right answer first. Or you could have a show called “What Am I On?” Patients would be given overdoses so the expert panel could observe them running into walls or vomiting and guess what drug they are on.

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    1. My wife and I think maybe we were in the hospital at the same time when we were kids. Me for my leg and her for back surgery.
      So maybe we can work a dating service into this as well. Mix and match your health issues? Complimentary health issues?

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      2. A deep fried pickle booth: Give a kidney; get a Gedney.
        And wouldn’t, now one of us, have THE ice cream flavor?

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  15. RiseAnd Shine Baboons!

    (A little late, I know). How about an area of town that is slightly seedy, featuring “Drug Dealers” trading attraction tickets for medications: a boarded up house featured “Drug House” and “Anesthesia House” (of course run by qualified staff dressed as dealers.)
    Medical Marijuana just begs for this approach.

    The Bariatric surgery Department: The bearded Fat Lady as a side show, of course.

    House of Horrors: the Museum of Medical Errors.

    This is too fun!

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  16. Magnet Madness – those of us with metal implants walk through a sort of Fun house with powerful magnets implanted in the walls. As you walk through, you are slammed into walls (padded of course) and then released as the magnets attract the metal in your body. For those unlucky enough NOT to have implants could strap on a Hip Holster, Knee Knodule or Back Bag so they could enjoy the experience.

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  19. Mayo has a very special place in my heart because they saved my life two years ago. Within two weeks of my cancer diagnosis, I was scheduled for the massive esophagectomy here. My best friend strong-armed me into getting a second opinion at Mayo and even drove me through a blizzard to get there. A test they performed there staged my cancer so precisely that it went from a stage 1 to a stage 3, calling for an entirely different treatment protocol than what my home docs had set up. I later learned that had I gone through the surgery here, they’d have opened me up and closed me up after seeing what only Mayo discovered. That would’ve meant several more weeks of healing from needless incisions, several more weeks of the cancer growing, and quite likely my death. When the home doctors found out, they were profusely apologetic for not referring me to a place that did this kind of test. My oncologist actually expressed that he was mortified at this “near-miss” and, since he’s the head of oncology with Park Nicollet, implemented a new protocol whereby every EC patient gets this test regardless of how scant PET scan results are.

    Mayo runs seamlessly. From the moment you arrive and are handed an hour-by-hour itinerary, you are given the royal treatment. Prior to this experience, I thought only rich people or visiting dignitaries could access the system. I literally own my life to this wonderful medical institution.

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    1. My wife received excellent treatment at Mayo in Rochester for a badly infected throat. It was the kind of careful treatment that we usually don’t get at our local hospital.

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  20. O/T: My three-generation women’s cruise excursion was a smash hit!!! We made the ship sailing time, no one got sick on the cruise, and we danced together every night. Sun-tanning and excursions onto Jamaica and Grand Cayman Island were great, but the best part of the experience was bonding with so many folks from different cultures and races. There were even tears upon parting with these cruise ship friends and my daughter had the first five-day vacation in her entire life! She was so taken by all of this that she’s already planning for a cruise in a year. I wish I could post a couple of images from our adventure here, but have no way of doing so. Imagine the shock of going from 90 degree sunshine to minus 15 degrees last night?

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  21. Greetings! Great posts today, everybody — so imaginative and witty! When I heard the news about the Mayo wanting tons of money to be bigger, I couldn’t really understand why — they’re already the supposed “biggest and the best”. Only in America … You guys came up with all the good ideas already. How about drive-by Flu shots? They’re useless anyway, so do target practice on balloons in a Midway-like carnival. Lame, I know … but it’s the best I got right now.

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  22. OT – there was a story on MPR’s web site – http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2013/02/01/news/river-room-in-downtown-stpaul-closes?refid=0 – about the last day at the River Room restaurant, in the former Dayton’s store in downtown St. Paul. The reporter apparently wasn’t there, or there would have been more details about the final lunch service there.

    There were no walk-ins taken today – everyone had reservations, called in at least a few weeks ago. My group arrived a little after noon. One of the patrons had arranged a little presentation, a fellow that stood up and talked a little about the history of the restaurant, and sang a lovely baritone rendition of You Are My Sunshine (does that bring back any memories, baboons?) and a slightly rewritten version of the Chantels’ Stay (Just a Little Bit Longer) – “Oh won’t you stay open a little bit longer?” was the new refrain. From the kitchen, an appearance by the longest-serving staff member, Emmy, who made the popovers for the restaurant for some 30 years or so – she came out and took a bow. Her daughter, Michelina, was a hostess at the restaurant. Longtime servers LeAnn, Carol, Tim, Mona, Brad and Terry were acknowledged.

    Privately, those in attendance thought of others who also served there – Lydia Lunney, who was a hostess at the restaurant for 74 years before her death in 2008. And Dori Gagnier, who was a server there until her breast cancer diagnosis – she died of the disease in 2010.

    The restaurant was to close at 2PM, officially, but most tables were still occupied at 2. As a final gesture, the last patrons stood at 2:10 and applauded the waitstaff, as they cleared tables, some wiping away tears.

    It was a fond farewell. Those last popovers were really, really good, too.

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