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Me By Valentine

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden

Hey Mr. C.,

I don’t know how everybody else feels, but I sure don’t like Valentine’s Day. It’s nothing but a big chance to do the wrong thing. When I try to say words of love I get all tongue tied and clumsy and it never sounds right.

So this year I had this cool idea that I would try to tell my girlfriend something romantic in French, instead. Just like this old dead guy Maurice Chevalier did when he put on his straw hat and did a bunch of singing and dancing in the movies. I’ll bet you’ve heard of him because you’re about that old too – just short of the dead part, I’m guessing.

So anyway I found this video on You Tube where he sings some kind of Valentine song.

I know that because it’s called “Valentine”.

It has, like, a whole minute of warm-up music too, which my friend Willy says girls like because then you’re not jumping directly to the mushy stuff – you’re showing you have patience and class. And when you’re doing a performance with a warm-up it gives them a chance to compose themselves so they can pretend to be impressed.

So last night I was over at her house and we were studying for a school assignment and I said “I have a Valentine’s present for you”, and I played the video for her, and did this really cool (to me) dance that was not at all weird (to me) while I lip-synched the words to the song as best I could (like Beyonce).

Did I mention that my girlfriend speaks French really “bon”?

Well she does. I mean she did. She still does speak it, I mean. French. And she also did when she was my girlfriend, which was yesterday but I don’t think she is today, anymore. My girlfriend, that is. Because it didn’t go over very well. At all.

I’m not sure if there was something wrong with my dance, or the words. Since I was only lip-synching, I’d like to think it was Maurice Chevalier’s fault. But it might be that my girlfriend doesn’t understand the language as well as I think she does, and she mis-heard it. I really don’t know, and might never find out. So I decided to look up the words to the song, especially that catchy part with all the cute rhyming sounds.

Here’s how it looks in French:

Elle avait des tout petits petons, Valentine, Valentine
Elle avait des tout petits tétons
Que je tâtais à tâtons, Ton ton tontaine
Elle avait un tout petit menton, Valentine, Valentine
Outre ses petits petons ses petits tétons son petit menton
Elle était frisée comme un mouton

So then I had it translated by one of those automatic online translator engines, and here’s what came out:

It had very young tiny feet, Valentine, Valentine
It had very young nipples
That I touched with touch, your tone tontine
It had a very small chin, Valentine, Valentine
In addition to its small tiny feet, its small nipples and its small chin
It was curly like a sheep.

Anyway, that’s when it became pretty clear that we were done studying. I guess even in French I’m kinda clumsy, romantic-wise. And what’s more, the studying that we were supposed to be doing didn’t get done, at least for me, because I kind of had a stomach ache when I got home.

Why is love so stressful?

Your confused friend,
Bubby

70 thoughts on “Me By Valentine”

  1. Do you thin maybe she is sensitive about the fact that she either does or doesn’t have tiny feet and tiny nipples. I think sometimes women are hesitant to acknowledge their unspeakables even on valentines day , maybe especially on valentines day.
    I for one am having a wonderful time envisioning your dance and her watching your attempt at suave and debonair while lip sinking her tiny chin and nipples. Ill bet the part when you began dancing to her curley
    attributes may have been too much. I hear the acknowledgement of the unspoken while quite evocative has a do or die consequence in the romance department. You unknowingly did what Maurice had to have been chuckling about all those years ago…. Eef only zee knew what I was singing ho hoooo.
    Do not despair bubby I am proud of you for giving it a shot. Love is confusing. Some of the most important stuff about love is how not
    to do it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Lip sinking like beyonce and working as a forensic electronic engineer, our little bubby is growing up right here on the blog

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  2. Saw a picture of eight couples at my senior prom. Realized that I had dated half the girls in the couples. Realized the one I was with and wanted to be with was the worst possible choice of all 8 ladies, all very pretty by the way. And next to me was the one who wanted to be with me but I wanted to be with the one I was with. And the one who wanted to be with me had everything going for her. Sandy said of the one who wanted to be with me, “Annie’s really beautiful; I did not expect her to be beautiful.”
    See, it’s all about expectations ans what you can and can’t have when you are 18.

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  3. Good morning. I don’t have much to say about today’s topic. Anything I might say about love would be at least as clumsy as Bubby’s attempt at expressing his love to his girl friend. I’m usually willing to talk about my short coming. Not this one.

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  6. Love itself isn’t so stressful – it’s the staying in love part that gets you. Helps if you can separate “love” from “being in love” – I love my husband, but sometimes I’m not “in love” with him…but then he does something endearing or sweet and I fall back in love again. The best ones, Bubby, are the ones you recognize you can love even when you aren’t always “in love” with them, knowing that the latter will return soon enough.

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      3. we all love you here on the trail. its kind of like the end of the wizard of oz. i know theres no place like home but we sure do like you here.

        The Wonderful Wizard of Oz Quotes

        “There is no place like home.”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

        “I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart.”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

        “That proves you are unusual,’ returned the Scarecrow; ‘and I am convinced that the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.”

        “A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

        “You have plenty of courage, I am sure,” answered Oz. “All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty.”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Books of Wonder)

        “Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
        – Wizard”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

        “Now I know I’ve got a heart because it is breaking.
        – Tin Man”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

        “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”
        ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

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  8. As a younger person, when I was separated but not yet divorced from wasband, I worried about an upcoming Valentine’s Day and how I would feel. Decided to whoop it up on my own. Drove down to Bachman’s and bought myself a pretty bouquet w/ red flowers and some balloons. Stopped on the way home and bought donuts with Valentine icing and sprinkles. When I got home I took a big box (leftover from neighbor’s new tv) and painted red and pink hearts all over it. I split the donuts with my Irish Setter (Katy Scarlett), who then parked herself in the box (she loved being ‘inside’ things) while I snuggled on the sofa and watched videos. It turned out to be a very liberating experience and I’ve had a soft spot for Valentine’s Day ever since!

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    2. LaMott says “all you need is love.” I believed that for 31 years. And then I learned that love was not all I needed, and maybe it wasn’t even a good start. If you think love is all you need, I sincerely hope it works for you better than it did for me.

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      2. Steve – you’ve completely hit the nail on the head. There isn’t anything that is ALL you need. If you have just air, then the thirst/hunger gets you. If you have water but no air — clearly bad. So it must follow that love can’t sustain you all by itself!

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  10. I’ve grown into a complete romantic love cynic after having yearned for such only to be repeatedly disappointed and disillusioned too many times. Personally and professionally, it’s so very rare to witness a truly nourishing, robust love relationship that I simply couldn’t maintain the fairy tale any longer. In its place, however, are a few emotionally honest and intimate friendships that I know I can count on for the rest of my journey.

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    1. Not so sure about that. I think I’ve seen several love-based partnerships right here on the Trail that keep me believing.

      Happy Valentine’s Day to all who have found “True Love” (bonus points if you can hear it in any character’s voice from Princess Bride)

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        3. I had forgotten that one, Ben-I was thinking of the Carol Kane part, myself. Ah, marwwige….

          and yes, Sherillee, one of our favorites too (even the mush hating s&h loves it). We especially enjoy a Carey Elwes fest of a double feature with Ella Enchanted.

          I am so looking forward to seeing Ann Hathaway in Les Mis.

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    2. While I wouldn’t claim to know lots of truly nurturing love relationships, I do know some, enough to sustain my belief in them. I think we’ve all been sold a bunch of romantic and unrealistic expectations of what love is by Madison Ave. We lose sight of that each love relationship is unique. The common denominator for relationships that work, I think, is not taking each other for granted. A short memory helps too.

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      1. I agree with your last statement, PJ, but that’s based on crossing paths with someone with whom compatibility factors must be present at the get-go. This is where the probability falls apart, in my opinion. Perhaps due to my training, I’m far too conscious of just what makes compatibility work and see scant evidence of it?

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  11. Well Bubby, like most things worth having, love takes a lot of work, thought and even some sacrifice. That sounds like a big ol’ pile of stress, especially if you thought it was going to be a magic something that just happens.

    Sent the s&h off to high school for a trial run this morning (also known as shadowing). I think he entered with just the right combination of nerves and excitement. I’m going to continue to avoid looking at my oven to see if the problem is something I can solve or if that unit is a goner by making a flourless chocolate torte in the crockpot for dessert tonight. I’m further thinking that to have adequate enjoyment of that, we need to just have soup and salad for dinner (who says dessert can’t be a main course!).

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      1. oh no, not every day, but I learned long ago that if one is going someplace that has really great desserts, one should just order salad, otherwise one is just too full to truly enjoy the dessert.

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      1. The Teenager didn’t want to shadow, but was then petrified the first day of HS, thinking she would get lost. When I asked her that night how the day had gone and if she’d gotten lost, she gave me the huge eye roll – as if the fear conversations hadn’t even happened each day for several days!

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      2. yes indeedy, and it seems to have gone very well. He saw kids he knew and had lunch with them-especially enjoyed the Ancient History class (no surprise there), rejoiced that the Spanish teacher does not use a book and overall thought it was much more “civilized” than his junior high.

        Now I just have to figure out transportation, as it is out of our “neighborhood” (as in, if we lived 3-4 blocks north, he would have a bus, and no, one cannot simply walk those 3-4 blocks and catch said bus. no. no. no.)

        Sherillee, that sounds soooooo familiar.

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      1. On the fritz how? Does the motor still run? I think the most common problem is that it stops spinning on the spin cycle. That is because the coupler is worn out. It’s plastic and it’s meant to break to protect the motor from overload. It takes less than a half hour to replace one on many washers. The second most common problem is that the agitator stops working. If you can spin it in both directions, it’s broken. More plastic parts. Fifteen minutes work.

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        3. Thanks, Bill, I appreciate the input. Hans is a pretty handy guy, so I’ll leave it to him to figure out what’s going on, but I will pass along you information. It’s a front-loading machine, don’t know if that makes any difference in your observations?

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        4. I haven’t worked on any front loaders. There is a wealth of trouble-shooting information online. For many problems, you can watch a step-by-step video of the repair procedure. I would imagine that front loading machines employ the same mechanisms, just arranged differently.

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  13. “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
    ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

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