You Heard It Here First

Several major news organizations sent out false reports yesterday in their haste to be the first to tell you something had happened.

But the thing they said had happened hadn’t happened, though perhaps it will soon or maybe by the time you read this, it already has. But yesterday, when they said it had, it hadn’t.

Getting a scoop has long been the goal of many a serious journalist. The bigger the story, the harder it is to get out in front of everyone else. So when the margin of victory is minutes or even seconds, it’s understandable that some of the top contenders might flinch, hoping that someday a sizable number of people will remember that their organization was the one to deliver the earliest news.

http://flic.kr/p/5TritM
http://flic.kr/p/5TritM

If people remember such things.

So now I have a news flash of my own. Time May Not Exist!

I’m pretty certain I’m the first one out with this story, because I just learned it from a Discover Magazine article that was printed in 2007. And in the article, they quoted a lot of smart people who were talking about time a long time ago, and the consensus seems to be that “a long time ago” doesn’t actually mean anything.

There’s more! The closer you look at time the more confusing it becomes and the less certain you are about everything. And so it seems like everything that has happened and will happen is accessible, with the right technology.

So I’m going to claim the scoop on this particular headline:

Scientists Have Just Conclusively Proven That Time Is Artificial And Everything Exists At Once!

Of course this hasn’t happened yet, but when it does, the explanation will further illuminate how “yet” is a meaningless concept. Details to follow.

I’m happy because journalism just got easier! It appears you can write any headline you like and simply wait for it to come true.

What story would you like to break?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Ann_Landers baboon 2

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Two years ago I found a childhood friend on Facebook. Delighted, I sent him message after message until he finally friended me.

Now that we know each other again, I am appalled. While I recall us being compatible as 8-year olds, his current political views are so far from mine that seeing his knuckleheaded posts in my Facebook News Feed makes me feel like I am stuck in his basement on a rainy afternoon, playing with his stupid toy soldiers in a pointless game of mock war where we blow things up for no reason and gleefully attack defenseless civilians and I can’t leave because I have to wait for my mom to pick me up but she’s getting her hair done downtown and won’t be here for another two hours and it’s too far to walk home.

Now that I think of it, maybe we weren’t compatible as 8-year olds either.

Dr. Babooner, I’m a noncompetitive and tolerant person. My ideas are no better than anyone else’s. I’m willing to be friendly and open with all people, even if we don’t agree. And I’d like to think that my philosophy of acceptance, my devotion to clear reasoning and my general aura of non-insanity can gradually change people’s hearts until they think about things in exactly the same way I do, no matter how wrong they were at the start.

However, I really, really want to instantly and permanently “unfriend” this new/old acquaintance so I won’t be exposed to his moronic ideas every single day. If I have to read another one of his rants, I’m afraid I’ll become a screeching, spittle-soaked lunatic, shouting for a posse to visit equal parts justice and humiliation to his unsuspecting head. And if I do that, how can I hang on to my self image as a non-judgmental person?

Sincerely,
Seeing Unsympathetic Political Epistles Rouses Inklings Of Rage

I told S.U.P.E.R.I.O.R. to spin the rationale. Rather than telling yourself you’re dropping this “friend” because his ideas are unacceptable, tell yourself your doing it to spare him the stress of having to read your own “incorrect” thoughts. That way, you can remain tolerant and nice, while he stays a shallow and unredeemable dunderhead.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Manns Among Men

Inexplicably, today is the birthday of two famous men named Mann – Theater mogul and philanthropist Ted Mann in Wishek North Dakota in 1916, and hip flutist Herbie Mann in Brooklyn, in 1930.

Both Mann men made something big out of rather thin soup. Through talent and timing Ted Mann is known today in the Twin Cities for having his name on a performance space at the University of Minnesota – the Ted Mann Concert Hall. Mann got his start as a University of Minnesota student when he rented the struggling Selby Theater in St. Paul for $100 per month and proceeded to return it to financial health by doing all the booking, ticket selling, popcorn making, etc. by himself. His empire expanded to 25 theaters across Minnesota, and later to Southern California where he made a fortune. At one time he owned Graumann’s Chinese Theater, renaming it Mann’s Chinese Theater, of course. Late in life is rumored to have said about his journey, “Not bad for a sod kicker from the sticks.”

And if that’s not strange enough, Herbie Mann became a star playing jazz on the flute – an achievement that no longer seems possible in an American music scene dominated by self-indulgent pop vocalists. The flute isn’t loud enough or dangerous enough to get much attention today. Still, you have to admit this looks (and sounds) pretty cool.

If you were granted the ability to successfully launch any business venture, or become a star while playing any musical instrument, what would you choose?

Food Quest

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, produce manager and founder of Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

DrKyle

I love it when people are passionate about their foods, and no group is more passionate than those who get all wound up about genetically modified (GM) products. Every day at the store I’m buttonholed by people who have become irate about what they see (and don’t see) on the shelves. And one of the sharpest and most frequent complaints has to do with labeling – sometimes there is simply no way to tell if a food has been altered in the lab.

At Genway I stand by my promise – everything we sell has been tweaked, massaged, improved, and in some cases completely overhauled as part of a continuing process of unsupervised experimentation. You are our guinea pigs.

And in fact, if you visit the meat counter today, you’ll find choice cuts from Genway’s Giant Guinea Pigs (GGGP) are on special! These succulent animals are the result of a DNA cocktail that brought together the essence of guinea pig, combined with a little bit of farmyard hog, water buffalo and gray whale. The size improvement has been remarkable and far beyond anything anyone ever imagined for a mere guinea pig. They looked so tiny and helpless when, as a child, you kept them in a cage in your room. Now, one flank steak from a Triple G Pig can feed a family of five! Thanks, Butterball!

But seriously, if you are trying to provide for your family with a diet that includes nothing but GM foods, it is sometimes hard to know if you’ve found scientifically altered products. Certain experimenters are not as extravagant as I am and only they make subtle, virtually invisible changes. So you can’t always tell if a tomato in the produce bin has been bettered by someone like me. And why should you waste good money expecting to buy the results of literally weeks of random experimentation, only to wind up eating a fruit that has been touched by nothing more than the unaccountable hand of nature? There’s no drama in that!

By the way, if you’re looking for something that’s shockingly manipulated to add to a showy salad, try Genway’s Transparent Tomatoes! Thanks to the DNA of deep-sea jellyfish, these tomatoes are almost entirely see-through. Presentation is so important. When you serve the salad, it appears that a phantom-like cluster of seeds is hovering over the lettuce. The true nature of the fruit is only revealed when you slather it with dressing!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Labeling, and Our Promise.

When you come to Genway, you can be certain that everything in the store has been interfered with on a truly fundamental level. Right now you’ll have to take my word for it, but someday I hope we can perfect a technology that will make it possible for you to walk around the store and actually quiz individual products about their background. I can’t give you more details at the moment except to say it relies on a truly generous DNA donation from by gabby Aunt Lydia, who is known in the family for her fascination with her own pedigree and a habit of over sharing in the personal details department!

Your Friend in Food,
Dr. Larry Kyle

Dr. Kyle appears to be in touch with a segment of the food-shopping public you don’t often hear about – the GM product fan base. But it stands to reason that if there is a sizable group that believes everything natural is good, there’s a somewhat smaller counter-group that distrusts nature’s unpredictable ways. At least when you eat a Genway Giant Guinea Pig Flank Steak, you know who to blame when random parts of your body start to grow far out of proportion to the rest of you. Though if you’re also eating Genway’s Transparent Tomatoes, you may find that these newly oversized appendages are invisible to the casual observer. Eating equals adventure when you dine on foods from Genway!

What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve eaten?

R.I.P. Jonathan Winters

Stream-of-conciousness improvisational comedian Jonathan Winters died this week.

I remember watching Winters on TV when I was a kid. He was remarkable, and his manic sense of humor was special in my family because we ALL laughed at him, even when I was too cool to enjoy the things my parents thought funny.

The tributes say Winters was more influential than successful, at least by the show business megastar yardstick. Measured in terms of movies made and money earned, he was no Robin Williams, but there would have been no Robin Williams without him.

Here’s Winters in character while roasting Frank Sinatra. But notice the cast of prominent characters on the dais, all of them gasping for breath during his routine.

Jonathan Winters may have elicited as many tears as he did laughs, but they were connected. It was his humanity that touched us, every time.

When have you been helpless with laughter?

Inactive Account Manager

Ever helpful Google has developed a gizmo to deal with your vast digital treasure after you have gone rogue.

The Inactive Account Manager (I.A.M.) can be set to delete or distribute your files if you do not log on for a specified time – 3 months, 6 months or one year.

As part of the set-up process, you have the opportunity to write a message to the person who you designate as the recipient of all your gmail. This message is delivered after your prolonged absence from Google’s universe sets the gears in motion.

I suppose this would be a strange e-mail to write, since it will only be delivered once you have been offline for at least three months. In today’s world, that means dead, or nearly.

So what should you say?

I put this question to Trail Baboon’s Rhyming Poet Laureate, Schuyler Tyler Wyler, and he came up with a message that is carefully organized to have 14 syllables in each line, because in Egypt, the Amenti, an area west of the Nile where souls go after death, was divided in 14 parts.

I asked STW to explain this in more detail and he couldn’t. He said he read it in an unsolicited e-mail that came from a Nigerian Princess.

I’m sending this unwelcome note because I am logged out.
I trust you’ll know the reason why, and what it’s all about.

I’ve been inactive ninety days, and you know that is odd.
I might be comatose, or sick, or wind surfing with God.

I could be traveling abroad – a touring man of leisure.
Or like some old soap opera star – a victim of amnesia.

I may have lost my password or forgotten it or both.
But Google doesn’t care. For it has sworn this sacred oath:

When I fall silent ninety days the system will arise
to notify you properly and then – this grand surprise!

The Garbage I collected (that’s the “G” in “gmail”, dear)
My digital detritus – will now suddenly appear.

The messages that plagued my nights. The crap I learned to rue.
I now transfer into your care. I give it all to you!

The newsletters from NASA and my Facebook friends’ remarks.
They all belong to you today – the compliments, the snarks.

The many mails I didn’t read, the very few I did,
They’re yours forever more my love. Here’s looking at you kid.

Inactive Account Manager (it’s known as “I.A.M.”)
Has sensed I Am No Longer. That’s why you’re stuck with my Spam.

Here’s hoping I am still on Earth and not somewhere beneath it.
At least I know I’m Free At Last From Gmail. I’ve bequeathed it!

Who will inherit your e-mail? Whose e-mail would you want to inherit?

Now We’re Cooking

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey, Mr. C.,

They called it an April Snow Day today at Wilkie High, which is amazing! I’ve been a sophomore a long time so I can tell you for certain that This Almost Never Happens. It’s a good sign that 2013 is something special.

Anyway, before my mom left for work today (why is it they almost NEVER cancel work?) she told me that as long as I’m going to be home alone I should wash all the dishes that have been piling up by the sink. Why that should be MY job is something I’ve never been able to figure out. I don’t cook the food, so what kind of logic says I should have to clean up? Mom has always told me I need to be responsible for my messes, but she’s the one who takes out all the pots!

Anyway, I was cruising around online last night and found this story about Japanese people and pottery. It turns out they started making cookware eons ago so they could prepare fish for dinner. That’s not very surprising or interesting, but the thing that got my attention was this line:

“Archaeologists have found that charred shards some of the world’s oldest ceramic pots still contain residues of the food that was cooked in them.”

Dirty_dishes

So that means getting the dishes absolutely sparkling clean like my mom wants to be all the time them is totally, totally the wrong thing to do if you’re thinking about scientific research! It’s the crusty stuff left in the bottom that’s going to tell researchers from the future what they need to know about us.
So how are people in the year 4545 going to learn anything about pizza if I don’t leave some tomato sauce and cheese stuck to the pan? They might think we lived on burgers instead, but everybody knows that’s not true!

And besides, mom always calls the dirty dishes “a science experiment”. And any scientist worth her (or his) salt is in it for the long run, so why not let the dishes sit until they can be decoded by an expert?

Mom says I’m lazy, but I think letting the dishes sit is my only real chance at being immortal. More people should take a hint from me – it’s pretty selfish for us to keep things so clean when the evidence is everywhere that the future has nothing to learn from tidy people.

I’m thinking of starting an organization called “Slobs Leaving A Permanent Document About Sloppy History”, or S.L.A.P.D.A.S.H. – a club for concerned people who don’t want to erase our story with reckless overuse of soap. My social studies teacher, Mr. Boozenporn, says the future is going to be all about forming affinity groups online.

Pretty cool idea, huh? I think I’ve found my cause in life!

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby he has a promising idea there – uniting dish slobs everywhere in a noble crusade. But he’d better make certain all his recruits live with like-minded dish slobs, or the movement is going to self-destruct.

Who does the dishes at your house?

Brief Revenge

Today’s guest post comes from Clyde.

For twenty years now my son and I have dreamed of making a documentary. We would go to China and find plants that manufacture distinctly Western or American items, such as Easter, Christmas, Halloween, and patriotic items, or any other item that is alien to their ancient culture. We would interview the workers, asking them to guess what the items represent or are for. We would ask them how they feel making things of mysterious purposes, what they judge about us from our artifacts. Today with all the cross-world media, they might know too much for this to be that humorous any more.

Of course, our fun documentary could easily turn into something very serious and sad. One of my favorite Henny Youngman one-liners was how he opened a fortune cookie and found the note “Help, I’m being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory.” Now it does not seem quite so funny.

I remember a few old jokes or urban legends about line workers getting their revenge in various ways, such as the story of a new Cadillac that had a pesky rattle in it. Finally after a few thousand miles on the car, a mechanic took off the door panel and found a nut with a tag on it reading “I hope this rattle drove you nuts, you rich S.O.B.” There is the Wayne Kemp song sung by Johnny Cash One Piece at a Time.

What brought all this mind was my recent underwear purchase from Target. I bought two six-packs of extra-large Fruit of the Loom jockey shorts, made in Honduras. Each package contained two nested sets of three shorts, a pair inside a pair inside a pair. In one of the four nested sets, I discovered that the middle pair was size large and not extra-large. (I will let you guess how I discovered this.)

Fruit of Doom

I suppose I can imagine ways this happened by accident, but I prefer to think some Honduran line worker occasionally sneaks a smaller size into the middle of a set of three and mutters to him/herself, “Take that, you rich Yanqui hijo de puta.” It is, you must admit, a sneaky attack on the soft underbelly of America.

Because I am right on the border between large and extra large, his scheme did not quite work on me. One wearing and washing and I cannot really tell the difference. Sorry, compadre. I kind of wish it had worked better for you.

Have you ever sent (or received) a clandestine protest?

Disney Girls

People of a certain age understand the widespread sense of loss and sadness brought about by the death yesterday of forever Mouseketeer Annette Funicello.

Annette became a teenage TV idol in the ’50’s, at a time when the idea of a TV idol was still new. Today it is considerably more common for an attractive young person to have her or his real persona distributed to a global audience for profit and entertainment. Back when the Disney Corporation did this with Annette Funicello, maintaining the aura of innocence in the midst of a marketing campaign was still possible. To her credit, she was able to maintain that image in spite of the usual pressures of fame.

I was a few years too young to catch the full blast of Annette-mania among ’50’s and ’60’s youth, but when I think of her it’s not the Mouseketeers theme song that comes to mind as readily as this one – a Beach Boys classic written and performed here by one of the least-famous Beach Boys, Bruce Johnston. It comes from a BBC2 program called “The Old Grey Whistle Test.”

What kind of fantasy world would you like to live in?

Traveling with Relatives

Today’s guest blog comes from Jacque.

My husband Lou and I both read John Berendt’s 1994 book about Savannah, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, with pleasure and disbelief.

“We must check this place out!” we said to each other.

But we were slow to act until I learned my family had a connection to Savannah. A distant relative gathered and published her grandfather’s Civil War letters to his wife, a Jewish-to-Christian convert named Tobitha Klein Hess. This soldier, German-born Frederick Christian Hess, was my Great-great Grandfather. He toured Savannah on Sherman’s March to the Sea, spending time there as part of the occupying forces. His gracious granddaughter, Muriel Primrose Baron, made the transcripts of these letters available to all of this soldier’s descendants—about 2000 people at last count.

The spellings and capitalizations here are his, a mix of English and German. When he wrote this on Christmas Day in 1864, he had only been studying English for nine years.

The City is full of Cityzins fore they didn’t have time to run off this time. There is lots of Jews and they are very strong Sesesh. (Secessionist and pro-Confederate) But the most of the Citizens are wealthy that are living in this City.

We entered Savannah on Highways 16 to 17 to Martin Luther Drive to Liberty Avenue where suddenly a canopy of live oaks and Spanish moss laid before us.

I will send you some moss wich is growing on trees and some rice on the straw and some acorns wich are from a live oak and a magnolia seed. The magnolia is a very nice tree with large green leafs all year.

I expected to see lots of Civil War history, but no. The American Revolution is the war people to refer to in Savannah, where it is heavily memorialized.

“…in one square is the Monument of General Polaski who fell at the Siege of Savannah, Oct the 9, 1779. This is largest Monument I ever seen. It is about forty feet high and about ten foot square at the bottom, with the Inscription, “Polaski, the heroic Pole who was fighting fore American Liberty and fell mortally wounded at the Siege of Savannah, 9 Oct. 1779. And then the General is carved out on horseback wich is very nice work.”

When I first saw this monument, knowing I stood near the place my ancestor stood, I had chills down my spine.

“Now I will tell what I think of the City and give you the Discription of it. Fore yesterday fornenoon I went down in the City and took a good look at it. It is a pretty nice place with some costly buildings in it, mostly brick. It is all level and is close to the Savannah river. The streets are very Sandy and don’t run very strait fore the whole City is laid off of Squares. There is several very nice parks in it and a water fountain….

I took a picture of Lou is standing in front of the Forsyth Park fountain, the very same one Grandpa Fred viewed 160 years earlier, though for us it was dyed green for St. Pat’s day.

Though the Civil War is curiously absent from the city’s displayed history, it is alive in people’s minds. During our 2007 visit a lovely Southern Matron who was volunteering at the Visitor’s Center clarified to me, “We don’t call it The Civil War. Here we refer to that as the War of Northern Aggression.”

Hmmm. I thought.

During a tour of Sherman’s Headquarters this attitude was echoed yet again. A very distinguished gentleman lead the tour which was punctuated with resentful comments about “the Yankee Occupation” and “General William Tecumsah Sherman who did us the favor of not burning us out!” Apparently, this resentment has festered for 160 years because Grandpa Fred referred to it as well, on December 29th, 1864:

“And everybody young and old even small Children that cant hardly talk yet are talking about Sherman. The folks down here thinks that he is an awful man. And I guess that they will think more so before he gets through with them. The Citizens say that Sherman has a very good army and that there wasnt as much trouble in town now, as there use to be when there was only a few Companys of rebel soldiers.”

We enjoyed the Savannah Southern Low-Country Cuisine—seafood boils, cornbread, and grits—my favorite is Shrimp and Grits. Grandpa Fred ate some of the same fare:

“I was down in the City yesterday and got something to eat. We can buy rice and cornbread and molasses in town frome the Citizens. Rice is 25cts per quart. Cornbread is different prices but they are big anough you can depent on that. Mollasses is one Dollar per quart.”

I returned to Savannah, at my mother’s request, with my mother and sister in 2008 to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday. During that trip we toured gardens and experienced a Southern Tea. Mom was already using a cane and occasionally a rolling walker at that time. The cane and walker caused us to become acutely aware of the brick sidewalks and protruding, bumpy bricks everywhere.

“The churchbells have been ringing this morning and it sounded very much like home. And I should went to Church but I had to get ready fore inspection. And then I was detailed to go on picket.”

Grandpa Fred was more soldier than sightseer. But I find it amazing that I was able to walk in his footsteps 160 years after he viewed many of the same landmarks in this breathtakingly graceful city.

When and where have you traveled to get closer to your own history?