The Baboon Congress

College Then, College Now

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Today’s guest post comes from Joanne in Big Lake

In the summer of 1979, I took a couple days off my factory job in Green Bay and ventured to Minneapolis with a friend of mine to register for classes – on paper – to start college at the University of MN that fall. When Welcome Week rolled around, my parents drove 6 hours with me and my stuff, unloaded the car, promptly turned around and made the lonely voyage home. I’m sure it was very difficult for them to leave me in a strange, big city on my own with nothing but trust and faith in me.

Fast forward a few years – I recently attended Orientation with my middle son, Ben, an extremely bright young man starting at the University of MN-Minneapolis this fall in the rigorous College of Science and Engineering. A full day and half of meetings and presentations all about the U, all the resources available, campus life, online registration, meeting with advisers, connecting with other students, etc. Going to college is now a family affair.

Parents of our generation consider it absolutely necessary to be with their child every step of the journey from choosing a college, registering for the best classes, getting the best professors, the best grades. It’s just the logical next step from being involved parents when we scheduled their play dates, registered for dance classes, attended their sports events, met with their teachers, drove them to all their necessary destinations and generally made sure they had a totally enriching and full childhood.

The U of MN has bent over backwards to help smooth the transition and identify resources for any struggle or challenge that comes up. The parent meetings at Orientation stressed how to cope with the student’s sudden coping with new life skills, handling their own schedule, making their appointments, making their own friends and dealing with triple the homework load without having the comfort of being at home. They even had psychologists on hand with advice for us on how to deal with the range of emotions everybody is feeling as the college student moves out, the homework demands of a Top Ten college, possible break-ups in relationships and being in a self-contained city of 50,000+ students. The U of MN even has it’s own police force – and gave a great presentation on the safety programs in place. From a parents’ perspective, it’s very comforting to know that my son won’t be just thrown in the deep end and expected to instantly swim. Yet there’s also enough slack to empower the students to get a chance to be on their own and make their own decisions.

Back in 1979, I was the quiet, shy, homebody least likely to leave. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the terror and the exhilaration of being on my own. I remember the pangs of sadness when I was homesick. My older outgoing sisters went out of state to college and were back in Green Bay within a year. But I finished and stayed. I look back and am still amazed that I did OK on my own here in Minneapolis.

When taking a risk, how much of a safety net do you need?

55 thoughts on “College Then, College Now”

  1. Morning all. Great topic for me, Joanne, since this has been my summer of college prep as well. And you are so right about the differences between then and now. When I went off to college, there wasn’t even orientation ahead of time. You showed up as a freshman and chose your classes in those couple of days before the upperclassmen got to campus. Teenager’s Orientation in June was a slick, orchestrated affair. I enjoyed it immensely (I had very low expectations), but did marvel at how much had changed since I went to college.

    I’m not a big risk taker. Several years ago I had the option to work on a program to Bali. The client required that I would travel twice to Bali, once for the site inspection and once for the actual program. As much as I would have loved to see Bali, there had been some rather big and specific terrorism directed at tourists recently. As a single parent I thought the risk was too big so I turned down the program. (This resulted in more than a few meetings to “discuss” my decision.)

    Of course, I’m not a big risk taker on smaller matters either. When I was a kid, my dad taught me and all my cousins to play poker; we played with matchsticks instead of cash. I wasn’t even good at risking matchsticks. So sad. And I don’t buy lottery tickets either!

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    2. It is interesting, vs, to see how games are models for real life experiences. People who are totally conservative and risk-averse do not excel in poker, just as people who are sloppy about bluffing don’t last long. Poker games are won by people who take few risks . . . except at key moments. I don’t know if you can teach that. My erstwife always looked like a cautious person to the outside world, but those of us who knew her well knew she would take terrible risks when she knew there was a chance for a big payoff. She would have been a great poker player.

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  2. Nice story, Joanne. The act of sending a kid off to college is emerging as one of the most emotional and challenging moments in modern parenting. I’m not proud of how I handled that moment when my daughter left. It sounds like you are doing it well.

    I spent six years working to help kids adjust to the U of MN. Although I knew the U meant well and hoped kids would flourish in their new lives, the place was ungodly big and impersonal in those days. Try as I might, I could never shield kids against all the shocks of being a tiny person on a huge campus. Everything I hear suggests that the U is a vastly more humane environment these days. I’ve always been convinced that if I had been obliged to go to the U instead of to a small residential campus (Grinnell) I would have been crushed.

    It was good to see pictures of you and Ben. I have high hopes that he’ll do well, and it sure helps that he is in a field that will actually lead to good job offers. And it obviously is good that he has you as a support person.

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  3. i remember my trip to indonesia when i was the senior exec on the trip and we landed to discover that indonesia was in the midst of a military overthrow. the two junior partners i was with looked concerned and we had an indonesian native as our laison on the trip and he told us this one was not too bad. the army wanted the leader out this time too. the last time when all the cities burned the army had been with the president. my famous line from that trip was ” dont be concerned if you see thanks, be concerned if you see tanks firing. i know we were the last unescorted group to indonesia for a while. there was some business that needed to be done but it was done with an escort who knew the political temperament of the area. i think it was a year or so later bali had its explosions by the terrorists.
    my business requires lots of chance taking and i try to make the best decisions i can but the safety net is not in the cards. security is only for the insecure. i like taking chances but i get tired of being living on the edge sometimes. it would be nice to have a life planned that had a padded landing.
    my kids have learned the consequences of my shooting form the hip lifestyle and are buliding their lives to include the good and modify the bad. i am a great teacher. just be careful which lesson plan you follow.

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  4. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Great topic Joanne. Timely, too.

    I like a little bit of risk, unless it involves public speaking or performing. Then I am rendered to a helpless, anxious puddle. (Thus a career as a therapist and not a professional musician, which involves performance regularly). I have surprised myself as a business owner–I seem to be able to tolerate a lot of risk there and be much happier than when I work for a “secure”(but CRAZY) bureaucracy.

    Regarding Kids and College in the 21st Century. I found it much easier to leave home than kids now find it. I was not ever homesick, nor did I ever go back to my parents’ house to live, except during summeres between college years. My High School friends have discussed this a lot and we theorize that it was easier for us because we did not like our parents that much. Most of us, with several notable exceptions, knew that if we returned to our parents it would be far more unpleasant than poverty and independence. Our generation parented differently, meaning not as harshly, which resulted in improved relationships with our kids. But it does make it harder for them to leave home.

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    1. Does anyone here remember Garrison’s old character, from his morning radio show, of “Raoul, the warm car driver”? Garrison’s early writing was dark, and Raoul was a dark character. One of the service he offered was to pick up your child and send him or her off to camp. This was for parents who were too anxious to do it themselves. They would just come home one day and find the child gone. Raoul would have taken care of it. I always smiled at that memory and realized that if Raoul’s services had been available, I might have chosen that as the way to send my kid to college!

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        1. I started listening to Garrison’s morning show many years before Tom Keith was added. I think I started in 1968 or 1969. Garrison was not a happy guy, and his world of imaginary characters was dark. He claimed to be sponsored by Jack’s Auto Repair, “all tracks lead to Jack’s.” Jacks was sometimes a funny sponsor, but just as likely it was a sinister force (I always thought Plywood Minnesota was one of the models). Garrison was highly dubious about capitalism then. Raoul was one of the scarier guys mentioned on that show.

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        2. Certain people on the Trail were in HIGH SCHOOL in the late 60s, and still unexposed to such darkness. A friend of mine used to tech for GK at the St. John’s station that began it all. He said GK was a grump at that time. Dark fits e scenario.

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        3. Yes, Jacque – a friend of mine answered his mail (volunteer) and would corroborate that.

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  5. Great post, Joanne. Good luck, Ben!!!!!
    Am I right that Science and Engineering is on the East Bank? This is where the s&h is currently hoping to go in a far-too-few years. He loves it over there.

    When I went to college, my parents had moved across the state a couple of weeks previously. I stayed in the town with the family of a friend until it was time to start school, so I could continue to work my summer job right up until the last minute. My parents did drive over the day I moved in, but by the time they got to college, I had moved in, met the roommates and was ready to go.

    High school was no joy for me, but I loved college. Have reconnected with several of my old friends from college and am considering attending the reunion this fall (how much weight can I lose by then? 🙂 ).

    I don’t know how I would have done someplace huge like the U. S&h is already “at home” in his corner of it, so I am pretty fine with that for him. Of course, we have years to go yet, for him to still decide that moving to say, Boston is the thing he wants most to do.

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    1. boston is a great college town, good jazz joints a great ballpark, and good sub sandwiches, and within train distance of 1/3 of the us population.

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      1. I realize all of that, but it is a heck of a way to go if you forgot something ;).

        True story that I heard because of my dad’s class reunion-Entire family went to Gustavus for the first college graduation in the family EVER. Dad was probably feeling pretty full of himself and how very smart he must be to pull this off. Waved good-bye to family and jauntily headed back to the dorm to do the last bit of packing up before driving home to the farm for the summer.

        That was when he realized that he had left his car keys in the suit jacket he had tossed in the family car.

        This trait seems to be genetic.

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    2. To answer your question, mig, science and engineering are on the East Bank. Social studies on the West Bank. Science and biology are mostly in the pretty little St Paul campus. Ben’s classes will mostly be East Bank.

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      1. I love the St Paul campus. Got to know it this year as the pick-up point for s&h coming back on the shuttle from the East Bank. Nice little corner of St Paul AND home of the library with the textile and clothing books as well as the historic cookbook collection!

        I confess, I am risk-averse to driving over to the East Bank. I think of that as pedestrian land.

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  6. kids are a kick. my first one suprised me by choosing music performance as his chosen field. he moved to l.a. after getting his degree in music performance and business (to hedge his bet) and now that he is in the big city he is finding out what a pipedream he is trying to fulfill. lots of pats on the back but you had better be prepared for a plan b to be dominant. daughter went to school as a free spirit and chose communication as her area of focus. she wanted to do advertising or business or something and she has followed the prevailing winds and is not unhappy but still searching for the golden ticket. next up is the 20 year old who started college a couple years ago and got his taste of higher education he couldnt believe the homework and had a couple of challenging courses to give him his comuppence. he recently declared entrepreneurism as his area of focus. i told him to watch out what you wish for but i guess he will have to find out on his own. the next two are going to be interesting next is my arts major, writing, singing and acting are her things the theater is her home these days and she loves it and is loved. we wnet by perpich high school the other day and when i asked her if she was figuring on gong there she said she thought not. arts a great but you need to get your degree in something that will provide a living wage. i hate when logic and reality have to get involved. it is so much fun to pursue the dream. last one up will be a kick she is my chameleon. she does well at whatever she choose but has a short attention span. she flits and dabbles and ends up having a nice time doing whatever she chooses. as in the movie harvey. mother used to tell me to be real smart or be real nice , i used to be real smart, i recommend nice.” emma is real nice and ill bet she finds a nice life for herself.

    your sons engineer brain will be a useful tool. congrats on getting him into the program at the u. it will serve him well. as for the big city lights, ill bet he will learn a thing or two not taught in big lake and that aint all bad. gotta wake up and smell the coffee sometime. tell him about al’s . gotta do al’s.

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  7. Good morning. Nice to hear that you had a good time helping your son get enrolled, Joanne. I stayed at home and went to a 2 year college before leaving home to attend a university which made my transition to college life away from home easier. I am somewhat conservative about taking risks. However, when there is something risky that I want to do I don’t need a big safety net.

    I suppose some people might have thought I was taking a big risk by going to Azerbaijan to do volunteer work. There were people in Azerbaijan who were available to help me from the organization that recruited me. That was a big enough enough safety net for me. I was not very comfortable at first with traveling on very narrow mountain roads when I did volunteer work in Bolivia. After a few days of traveling on those narrow roads I managed to get my fear of them under control.

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  8. Daughter will start this fall where I and her brother went to college. He started 9 years ago, and even since then things have changed, mainly for the good, I think, I was struck this summer orientation with how quickly and efficiently students and their parents were separated, and how soon the students were faced with making decisions about their courses and all sorts of other things without parent meddling. Lots of anxious helicopter parents out there, I guess.

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    1. By the way, the trip to Winnipeg seems to be going well. Thelma and Louise made it there without incident, They had a small glitch hen best friend forgot to tell her bank she was traveling in Canada and her debit card was temporarily frozen, but they coped and figured out what to do.

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    2. This was my experience too at Orientation. I was very glad to be out of the loop about classes. Now if I could just get Teenager and her roommates to fill out the form for loft requests in their room (5 girls in one room w/ one closet – THAT will be interesting). A lot of the other issues I’ve left to her, but since there will be a direct impact on ME on move-in day if that form doesn’t get filled out, I’m butting in.

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        1. I’m feeling very lucky. I was assuming that Teenager would insist on new and matching everything and that we would spend all summer fighting about how much all this was costing. But she has been more than reasonable, working on sales and accepting used items from friends and neighbors. Who says they never grow up!!!??

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        2. I’m not sure how this will work. The housing woman did tell her that each girl having a different color of hanger would help. Teenager scoured the house for all the aqua colored hangers available!

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  9. I think it’s interesting that we have at least three baboons (who knows how many lurkers?) who are launching kids to college this fall! Kind of a mini support group right here on the Trail!

    If I decide some risk is important enough, I don’t need much of a net. Biggest risk I ever took was asking now-Husband, lo these many years ago, if he’d like to be more than friends. That seemed to work out. And I have twice landed to start life in a strange new city, with my stuff and a couple hundred bucks (this would be in the ’70s). I suppose the safety net was my folks, but did OK on my own.

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  10. In my misspent youth, I had no problem taking some risks with very little in the way of safety net. I would take off and go, either driving across country or hopping on a plane. Went to Germany for 2 weeks with no idea how exactly I would pay the rent when I got back to Madison.

    The economy and parenthood have changed all that.

    I guess it’s different when you are somebody else’s safety net.

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  11. I’ve always been a risk taker, although I have never really thought of it that way. Afterward, looking back it’s easy to see the risks I took, at the time of taking them, they seemed like good options, perhaps the only options. For example, when wasband and I left Carbondale in 1972 after graduating from SIU, we had a U-Haul full of used furniture, a cat, a dog, a chinchilla, a 63 VW bug and $600.00. That was it. No jobs or job prospects, and no place to live. We had never been to the Twin Cities, but for some now obscure reason had decided that this would be a good place to live, so we set out. Remaining in Carbondale was not an option as there were no jobs there, so we had to leave. Returning to Long Island where his parents lived was out of the question. So what do you do? You set out for the territory, and hope for the best.

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  12. When I went off to my freshman year of college, at the University of Miami, my parents drove me downtown to Union Depot, stuck me on the train with my trumpet, my 10-speed bike, and a huge suitcase full of clothes and stuff. The trip to Florida took 3 days, with a layover in Chicago, a major delay one night in the middle of Tennessee or Alabama when the air conditioning broke and we all melted in the heat and humidity of a deep south August night.

    Put on a different train, I arrived in Miami in the middle of a monsoon, found a cab driver willing to shove my bike into his trunk as fully as possible without breaking anything, and was schlepped to my dormitory and unloaded my stuff in the rain, so I got totally soaked as I moved in. Then I found out that the kid who was going to be my roommate withdrew from school, so I was “lucky” enough to get the room to myself until they found someone else who needed a room. On top of that, there was a mix-up of some sort and I didn’t get any linens for my room, so I slept on a bare, plastic covered mattress alone and miserable in a strange, scary, foreboding place.

    Since I had just started dating my girlfriend (who, six summers later, became my wife ) only a few weeks before leaving for school, I missed her as much as only a lovesick 17-yr -old can, and missed my parents almost as much. So I did what any well-adjusted kid would do in that situation. I curled up in the fetal position on my plastic mattress and had a good, long, self-pitying cry.

    From then on I sucked it up and survived the year just fine. I feel like I had zero “safety net” that first week, even though the University certainly wouldn’t have let me die, would they? Probably not. But I felt totally alone in the world. Forty years later, I look back on that time with fond memories of rising from what felt like rock bottom emotionally and overcoming and surviving my “first attempt at flying solo out of the nest.”

    All I can do is shake my head in disbelief at the level of dependency today’s children suffer under their “helicopter parents,” who more than anything “want to be my child’s best friend,” and try to protect their children from any and all perceived harm, no matter how small, so the kids are always happy and never “suffer” and never equate their parents with anything bad or negative (like being disciplined or told “no”).

    How are these kids ever going to handle the inevitable defeats and low spots in their adult lives if they’ve never been allowed to fail or suffer in the least little way??? If the adage “That which does not kill me makes me stronger” is true, then we are doomed to a world of 97-pound weaklings where no one takes any risks without being enclosed in a protective bubble, and therefore nothing of real consequence or greatness is ever achieved.

    I say take away all of the safety nets except the one that prevents us from doing serious harm or death to ourselves and others, and let people struggle now and then. Kind of like climbing a gigantic tree with only a net under the very lowest branches. Allow people to climb toward the top, occasionally fall, but bounce from branch to branch so they have a chance to grab onto the tree again and resume climbing. Only if they bounce and tumble down more and more branches until they miss the lowest one, do we deploy the safety net, “five feet off the ground,” to keep them from total disaster. Then we bind their wounds, dust them off, boost them back up to that lowest branch of the tree, and wish them good luck again and keep trying, but also use what you learned each time you fell to try and overcome that problem or challenge this time.

    For a good indication of what I see as good and proper parenting technique and a microcosm of what sort of safety nets society should have in place, only that “emergency safety net” under the tree, I commend to you a great book on “renegade parenting” that essentially revives the parenting model of previous generations, but without the negative aspects of discipline (mainly physical and verbal abuse). As much or more love is given to children in this method of parenting, but allows kids to think and act for themselves, which helps them grow into confident, successful adults. The title is “It’s OK NOT to Share,” by Heather Shumaker. Here’s a link to her website: http://www.heathershumaker.com/index.html

    Chris in Owatonna (comfortable with only a minimal safety net under his aging butt)

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    1. I agree, Chris. Obviously you are passionate about this. I am too, but since I don’t have kids, my opinion is usually dismissed as invalid. At the alternative school where I worked, the principal issued an edict that every single student receive some kind of award at the end of each quarter. Even the most tardy, lazy, unmotivated kid who was absent more than present and never turned in homework got an award. Small wonder that the kids that deserved recognition and awards considered the awards meaningless, often tossing them in the garbage on their way out the door.

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      1. I am sure there are those who consider me a helicopter parent. To that I say, meh. I spent the first month of my child’s life waving bye-bye to his little clear plastic box at the hospital and hoping the nurse practitioner for the night had no reason to call me (they actually did one night, and I mostly just found out what it was about and told them I would be back in in the morning-there was literally nothing I could do to be useful anyway). I worried I would always be physically protective of him, so when the inevitable falls and scrapes happened, I taught him to make light of them and marvel in the ability of the body to heal itself.

        My parental interventions are a lot like Sherrilee’s-if bad judgement or choices are going to result in a big problem later for me, or be very upsetting to someone else, I step in.

        I think a lot of the reason parents do step in more than they used to is because much of current society has laid responsibility for ANYTHING that happens to or around their child to be the fault of the parent(s). If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times-“WHERE WERE THE PARENTS!?!??!?!?!?!??”

        Gee, I wonder why parents “hover”.

        To be honest, I know very few highly indulgent parents. That may be because I live in the City, and most of the parents I know have neither the time nor the money to be over-indulgent. And most of us simply have no wish to raise a child the rest of the world considers to be a nuisance. When you live in close community, you have to get along with other people.

        That said, I don’t see any percentage in letting children swear and clobber each other. My child seldom hears anyone he respects swear, and frankly finds it as vulgar as public nose-picking, perhaps with moreso because there is usually a violent aspect to it.

        In my experience, children grow up to be strong confident adults by having adults who allow them to make their own choices, then support and instruct them.

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        1. What I find hard to understand is parents who hover, yet don’t set limits when limits need to be set, particularly with Jr. High and High School students. Daughter’s best friend gave us a compliment the other day when she said that while we were pretty strict with our daughter, we allowed just the right amount of freedom to try new things and take some risks. We have a terrible problem in ND with teen drinking, yet I see the results of parents who hover and overprotect in many ways yet turn a blind eye to their children drinking, and when somebody gets hurt or sexually assaulted or suspended from a sports team due to a minor in possession or consumption charge, they get really defensive and say their child is being picked on or singled out.

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        2. I think Chris mentioned it… so many parents are worried about being their kids’ friends. Teenager does think that I’m more strict that most of the parent she knows (one of her classmates had her graduation party at a bar!!!). But I also have to say that Teenager is better adjusted than almost any other teenager I know. I’d rather had a well-adjusted daughter than a basket-case friend any day!

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        4. They are different issues, Renee, but often found in the same parent. Helicopter parents don’t trust their kids to solve their own issues. The same folks often want so badly to be loved that they don’t understand the need to set boundaries and expectations. Good observation.

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      2. I too don’t have kids, Jane, and feel like you–“unqualified” to express an opinion, since I “can’t possibly know what it’s like to raise children in today’s world.” Yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have common sense about how to interact with anyone, even children. People will rise to the level of your expectations, especially children, since they hunger to learn how to be fully-formed adults, even if the adults in their life don’t realize that.

        Yeah, grade inflation, what a joke. Or awards for everyone. Same thing. Dilutes the value of the achievement.

        Everyone’s willing to “buy” good grades in order to get into a good college, in order to get a good degree, in order to get a good job, in order to make a lot of money, in order to repay their exorbitant student loans, in order to work hard for 20 years at a job they don’t like, in order to get unceremoniously downsized and go onto the semi-permanent unemployment dole, in order to get a lower-paying service job, in order to earn back some self-respect, in order to be happy, which could have been easily achieved by following one’s heart, developing one’s talents in an area one loves, and live a happy life, maybe at a lower economic level, but with peace of mind knowing that one will probably avoid being ground up by the megacorporational/megagovernment machine and spat out into the refuse heap of society.

        *How’s that for a rant??* 😉

        Chris in O-town

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  13. Morning–
    I prefer to take ‘calculated risks’…. and then it’s all ‘Faith and Prayer’ (to quote Owen Meany by John Irving).
    Taking our son to college in Chicago two years ago was hard. And saying goodbye and driving away is still hard. But he loves Chicago and the school and he loves the camp he’s working at this summer. And that’s what we hope for isn’t it? Teach them well; hope you’ve taught them how to make good choices and send them off.
    Our only hope is that in a few more years maybe he’ll call us more often! Haha–

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  14. I am pretty risk-averse. I will take calculated risks, but totally chickened out from grad school in Central Illinois in part because it seemed to high-risk (moving to an unknown town to live with strangers, survive on a couple hundred bucks a month, to get a degree that may or may not net me my dream job…after I work in the field for a bunch of years…um…no…one too many risks there). Baby-step risks I can handle: leaping into a new job field with the faith that I can figure it out, taking on parenting in my late 30s, taking a class in some new skill – if I can return to the comfort of home at the end of the day, I’m good. Oh – and being wrong, I am willing to speak up and be wrong – but that doesn’t seem to risky to me.

    I do my best not to be a helicopter parent, not always sure I succeed. I am better than Husband, though – I have had to swat him on the nose (figuratively) a couple of times, reminding him that Daughter needs to fall down a couple of times so she can figure things out herself. She’s young, she’ll bounce. 🙂

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  15. Greetings! Thank for the wonderful responses and stories. I have to confess, I just purchased a complete set of matching towels with his initials monogrammed on them (don’t want them lost!). When we moved here last year, I bought all his bedding with college in mind — matching duvet and shams in a nice masculine navy plaid. Also just bought 2 sets of XL Twin sheet sets in his favorite flannel. All on sale, of course, but still high quality Lands End. I’ve got a list of things to buy from Target and he will probably buy himself some new clothes and basics.

    The Orientation was wonderful and fun. My takeaway? A gadget called “Laundry View” in the residence halls. They can check the status of their washer or dryer from a computer in their room. That’s just so cool. All freshman are required to stay in dorms and they are making great efforts to give students small groups to interact with at Welcome Week, in the dorms and within their college major. I have a complete list of all phone numbers for resources at U of MN, on the email list for news and events, etc. Of of MN is my new BFF!

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    1. All the freshmen where daughter is starting had to pick a seminar to take first semester from a range of seminars of varying topics. Everyone who picked a particular seminar will spend time together as an orientation group in August, and take the seminar first semester as well as a speech class and writing class that focuses on the same seminar topic. Daughter got her first choice, and now is a little worried what the other students in her seminar will be like, as the seminar topic is “Beyond Genocide”. We keep telling her they will be an interesting bunch.

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