Poems, Science

Is There Cheese After Life?

76 Comments

Archaeologists have determined that a mummy entombed 3,600 years ago was adorned with lumps of cheese – apparently to give her something to enjoy in the next world.

I can see why this woman’s custodians wanted to send her packing with a few tasty morsels. What is there to look forward to in a bring-your-own-cheese afterlife? Not much, I would guess. Sounds pretty cheap.

What’s amazing is that the deceased person in question, the so-called “Beauty of Xiaohe”, is so well preserved after 3,600 years. The New York Times described the burial location as being in a “terrifying desert”. The name of the place, Taklamakan, is said to mean “go in and you won’t come out.”

I’d think anyone would be relieved to check out of such an arid wasteland. But something doesn’t seem right. Now that the Beauty of Xiaohe is closing in her fourth millennium of mummydom, why hasn’t she gotten around to eating her snacks? When I set out on a long trip, I pretty much empty the goodie bag in the first hour and wind up hitting every rest stop afterwards. To leave the fromage unmolested for so long shows admirable restraint, and qualifies The Beauty of * for a poem or a nursery rhyme of some sort.

Naturally I chose the one that ends with cheese.

In the original, which is (inexplicably) about a farmer trapped in a computer (a Dell), the verses gradually have his estate acquire a wife, a child, a nurse, a cow, a dog, a cat, a mouse, and finally, the only prize any dead person truly cares about – cheese. This one is only slightly different.

The mummy doesn’t smell
The mummy doesn’t smell
Heigh-ho the derry-oh,
The mummy doesn’t smell.

The mummy lost her life. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

Her life wasn’t mild.(2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

It could have been worse. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

We’re looking at her now. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

And we are all agog. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

She has no body fat. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

Her tomb is like a house. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

The house has some cheese. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

The oldest cheese we’ve known.
The oldest cheese we’ve known.
Heigh-ho the derry-oh,
The oldest cheese we’ve known!

What food would you want to be buried with?

76 thoughts on “Is There Cheese After Life?”

  3. Good morning. I don’t think I have a single favorite food. I like it all. How about a favorite beverage. That would be one with alcohol in it and the top choice would be wine. If I can have something to consume as I lie in my grave, I think it would be nice to lie there sipping on some wine.

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  4. You have no idea, Dale, how terrifying this post is to me. I have loathed cheese all my life, and now I’m forced to contemplate the possibility that someone could throw a bunch of cheese in my coffin and I’d have to put up with it for the next 40 centuries. Ack, yuck, bleah and urgh! I’m convinced that cheese would be just as repulsive after a few centuries of aging as when it was “fresh.”

    As for what food I’d like, the issue is strange. In my present life I consume a lot of V8 for health reasons, but I think when I’m dead I won’t be able to improve my health no matter how much V8 I drink. So if I rule out considerations of health, you can inter me with an inexhaustible supply of ice cream (make it one of the new “core” Ben & Jerry’s) and maybe some chocolate chip cookies to munch with it. Skeletons don’t have to worry about thick waistlines or big butts.

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    2. On a recent Jon Stewart show, a cutaway of Ben & Jerry’s new core ice cream showed white, black, and brown. He
      quipped that the Tea Party types would see Obama in this because he’s not really black or white.

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    3. Steve, I don’t think you have to worry about anyone tossing cheese in your coffin. But accidentally getting locked inside a cheese shop over a three day weekend – it sounds like THAT might kill you.

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  5. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    I with VS on this one. Chocolate! Not fudge, of course, nor cheesecake. But maybe a piece of Cafa Latte Turtle cake, or some Godiva, or hot fudge on vanilla ice cream…. or…or…or…

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    1. I bought my mom a big supply of dark chocolate to keep her motivated and happy in the nursing home. She always worries about her blood sugar, having type II diabetes, and gets worried when her levels aren’t perfect. She was surprised that she only had her glucose levels measured once the whole three weeks she was in the hospital. I suggested that perhaps it isn’t such as big issue, and maybe, at 91, she should just eat the chocolate and throw caution to the winds. She agreed.

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  6. I’d like to be buried with some foodstuff that won’t even be invented for at least another 25 years, if you get my drift.

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  7. The cake goes to Dale.
    The cake goes to Dale.
    Ho, ho hilario,
    The cake goes to Dale.

    His blog never fails Etc.

    This blog makes me pale etc.

    I would not take some kale et.

    My health could not fail etc.

    So I say what the hell etc.

    It’s fun the trail etc.

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      1. Throw me in the coffin.
        Pour in the natcho cheese.
        Don’t open it up often,
        I’ll be preserved Greeze.

        Do not stand above and moan.
        Do not let any of it drip
        But carve on my tombstone:
        “Beneath lies a dip.”

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  9. Just one food? Dang. I would have to do eenie-meenie-miney-mo between cheese, chocolate and red wine. Um. Hmm. With enough of the wine, I wouldn’t notice that I didn’t have cheese or chocolate. That has merit. The cheese would sustain me longer in the afterlife, but it might get all weird after awhile. A good dark chocolate would keep well…Can I bring servants with me so I can keep the chocolate and the servants can bring me wine and cheese?

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      1. Thin Mints of I am cryogenically mummified as they are best served frozen. If I am going to dry out in the desert, perhaps trefoils would survive better.

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  10. The cheese certainly stands alone in this case. Are we sure this mummy cheese isn’t a precursor to Cheese whiz and velveeta, designed as an experiment on shelf life by very early food scientists?

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  11. Some really good raisins, apricots, figs… since whatever is in there is going to get all dried out anyway…

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  12. Forgive me for being my predictably literal self here, but it occurs to me that if there was ANY food I’d find appealing, I might not be in a grave (at least as soon). Food has often been wound into the day’s story. Just as often, I wish that I had an appetite like everybody else. When the big storm hit and trapped me for three days, however, I was really pleased that I was stocked up on White Zin, garlic bagel chips, fresh bread, and toilet paper.

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    3. You haven’t seen the video of how to bang the bottom of a bottle of wine against a wall to force out the corkscrew? If you have a good solid wall (or perhaps a good shoe), you’ll be fine. 🙂

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        1. Thanks for this! And tomorrow I’ll try out the options on the screen when it’s finished!

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        2. Now that I have studied the video, I know what I’ve been doing wrong. This trick doesn’t work with boxed wines, I now see.

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  14. I’ve seen some mighty fine suggestions above. Dark chocolate, absolutely. Nice glass of wine? great.

    But I think I would like to go with a nice Irish stout. As they say, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I am all for it.

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    1. Have you tried the Boatswain Chocolate Stout (available at Trader Joe’s)? Hitting two with one…

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  16. Definitely chocolate. The good stuff (NOT Hershey’s). A variety of good chocolate would be nice, including some of my friend Misha’s truffles, particularly her rosemary truffles, Mt. McKinley truffles, and maple syrup fudge.

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      1. No, no, not back yet. Just back in Sonora after a week of whale watching on Baja. If you guys could arrange to send that polar vortex packing before we return on Wednesday, I’d appreciate it. I’ve gotten used to 85º temps; coming back to Minnesota is going to be a rude awakening.

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        2. 5-day forecast shows a high of 25 on Wednesday and the low is 14. That’s ABOVE ZERO. For those of us who stayed here during the polar vortex, that will feel like shirtsleeve weather.

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  18. i wonder if a twinkee would change at all over time. i have a feeling it would still be golden brown with a fluffy cream filling when they discovered it 4000 years from now.

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      1. yes a friend told me years ago they are like geese. they are paired for life. i have always remembered it. always made me feel a bit guilty when i ate one without the other. i did have the twinkies envisioned to be entombed in the cellophane wrappers. let that be their burial shroud.

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    2. Wow, I just read in the Strib about a Lowertown (St. Paul) restaurant, The Buttered Tin, that makes its own version of twinkies for dessert. May have to try this out…

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      1. BiR, I live a stone’s throw from The Buttered Tin and can highly recommend it. I haven’t tried the Lowertown TwinKeys because there’s never room after the meal. It is only open from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and is always extremely busy on weekends and very busy on weekdays, but well worth going to even if you have to wait. Table service on weekends, order at the counter on weekdays and they bring your food to your table. Of course you can just buy your TwinKey at the counter and take it with you.

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      1. Possible typo. Maybe he meant kong? One of those little rubber things you put dog treats in? Though why you would want to eat your pecan sandies out of a kong, I can’t imagine.

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  20. Pecan Sandies;
    Really Grandees;
    Eat them fast or eat them slow;
    Pecan Sandies;
    Really dandies;
    Eat etham when the cold winds blow.

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