The Baboon Congress

Southern Discomfort

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Today’s guest post comes from Clyde.

Twice in one day I received eye pings, that is discordant visual images it took my brain several seconds to recognize and decode.

The first happened while driving in Mankato; the vanity license plate in front of me read “M MORT.” What? Then I realized it was on a hearse, a Mankato Mortuary hearse no doubt. But isn’t “M MORT” just sort of a small “ewee”? Do they have another one called “M MINKY”?

The second happened about an hour later in Barnes & Noble. I was staring off into empty space; not into space actually but into the magazine rack a few feet away, which is by-and-large the mental equivalent of empty space. I read as the title of a magazine Garden & Gun.

What? Was this real? Had I misread? Nope. I looked closer and saw a subtitle “Soul of the South.” Hmm. The entire complicated cultures of the ten or so states of The South find their soul in gardens and guns? I do not like sweeping generalizations about nations, cultures, peoples, regions, but gardens and guns are a big miss for my experience of The South. But see it’s for real.

Then I looked lower on the cover and it read “The Hollywood Issue.” Now that’s more than a bit discordant. Has Hollywood ever represented The South as anything but tired old cliches? Or The Midwest, or New England? To Hollywood has The South ever been much beyond hillbillies, plantations, bigotry, and threatening ignorance?

What was on the cover? But of course, a woman showing cleavage.

Cover Garden & Gun

Anna Camp, whoever she is. Another actress of whom I have never heard, but I am ignorant in this regard. In a wedding dress–is that what that is–and cowboy boots. How did cowboy boots become Southern, anyway?

I scanned through the magazine. It is actually very slick, high-concept, visually very well done. It had few pictures of either guns or gardens. It did, however, have an extensive article with high-quality photos on how to make moonshine.

It was all too big a brain cramp for me. I went and scanned through Mad Magazine–much more in my frame of reference.

What would be your “_____________ & ____________” title of a magazine on The Midwest?

32 thoughts on “Southern Discomfort”

  1. Beer & Cheese & Snow? (although I’ve always thought that was just Wisconsin).

    Who exactly do they think is going to buy Guns & Gardens in Minnesota? Oh wait, sweet tea is also now being sold here……

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    1. i used to get stopped going into canada because i was from minnesota and the people form minnesota all think its ok to bring guns in without telling anyone. i ran into a duck dynasty guy today in a shop i went to have some welding done. he probably doesnt want to be my best friend either. michelle bachmann will be missed by some for reasons other than losing a punchline.

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  2. That’s a provocative set of observations, Clyde. I’ll come back to comment on the MN version of this magazine later.

    First, let’s see Garden and Gun in context. The South has always done a poor man’s imitation of the British landed gentry with their embrace of blood sports (primarily fox hunting and driven grouse hunting). Some baboons might remember when Hugh Grant, wanting to talk to Julia Roberts, pretends to be a reporter for Horse and Hound magazine. It is a magazine that glamorizes the British country manor lifestyle, and it would be the model for the magazine Clyde spotted. The American South has always tried to borrow some of that country sports romantic chic, even though very few southerners have hunted foxes with hounds.

    And of course, they put a glamorous actress on the cover rather than a garden or a gun. Some baboons might recognize Anna Camp who made three appearances as Bethany Van Nuys, who pursues Mad Men’s Don Draper after his divorce.

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  3. OT: sorry to do this, but we have a situation. Because of a death in the family, my plans to get to Portland, OR, have been trashed. Does anyone feel like taking a trip from here to there in early June, flying home? My car is reasonably comfortable and has a/c.

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  5. Good morning. The best _____and_______ title for a magazine about the Midwest I can think of is Corn and Cows. Corn and cows were a very big part of our heritage at one time when dairy farms dominated the country side. The corn and cow heritage I am talking about has nearly disappeared. Our landscape is now dominated by large farms with no cows and very large fields devoted to either corn or soybeans. The way corn is currently grown is very different from the way it was grown years ago on dairy farms.

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  6. I have a guess about how Minnesota would like to market itself in a glitzy lifestyle magazine. The ____ and ____ would be “Cabin and Culture,” playing off the blend of Minnesota’s beautiful northwoods lake environment and the culture available in our cities.

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  7. I’ll have to say I think they did a cute one with Birds and Blooms. Mine would be Birds and Porches? – Porches and Birds? I think the Midwest has some of the most beautiful porches, and they’re coming back into fashion. They’re the perfect place to watch birds.

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  9. Morning all. Another OT.

    Homeless in St. Paul Farewell Gathering is scheduled for Sunday, May 18. 2-4 p.m at the prettiest little bungalow in St. Paul. I’ve sent out an email… if you didn’t get anything from me or if you know I don’t have your email.. drop me a line. shelikins at Hotmail.

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  10. I hope nobody minds this. My daughter and son-in-law just had to tell four-yeaer-old Liam that his other grampa died. They picked Liam up from school and the three of them played at home for about an hour. Then, at the table with snacks, they told Liam.

    John: Liam, you remember that Grampa has been sick? (And here John broke down.)
    Molly: You know he was very sick, honey. I’m sorry, but Grampa has died.
    Liam: So he won’t go to his new apartment?
    Molly: No, that’s my dad, Grampa Steve. I’m talking about Grampa the bear, Grampa Kelley in Michigan. You remember him, from when we visited at Christmas? (Jack pretended to be a bear.)
    Liam: Yeah. Not the grampa that pulled candy out of my ear, right?
    Molly: That’s right.
    Liam: So where is he now?
    Molly: He’s already in Heaven.
    Liam: So he can take care of Cleo now. (Cleo is the cat who died last year).
    Molly: Yes, he can.
    Liam: When will Grampa come out of Heaven?
    Molly: He won’t ever come out, honey.
    Liam: Well, we had two grampas, so we still have one.

    Later, Molly told John and Liam that she needed to call her dad, Grandpa Steve.
    Liam: Mom, you can’t call Grampa now. They don’t have phones in Heaven. Or maybe they do.
    Molly: I don’t think they do, honey.
    Liam: Okay. Can we not be so sad? Hey Dad, let’s play trucks!

    And Liam had no other comments or questions the rest of the night.

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    3. sorry to hear it but if liam had to loose a grandpa im glad it wasnt the one who pulls the candy out of his ears.
      steve get your ow candy. leave liams alone

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    4. My sympathies. Death is such a strange concept for little people. Someone his age may well wonder “Where will Grandpa Kelly go to the bathroom and what will he eat? “

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  11. Great post, Clyde (as usual). My magazine would be for the northern part of the midwest – Bears and Dumps.

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  16. the southern belle gets old so fast… i was in las vegas this week and the glitz and cleavage is fun for eyecandy but there aint nobody home. it was good to get on the plane to denver where cowgirls and wholesome complexions are the thing your eyes see instead of anorexic
    implants.and bling (vegas version of magazine) trip to minneapolis was bunch of lutherans and a hmong. (the whole hmong comunity came to pick up the traveler there were 40 or so of them) its good t be back among the familiar dysfunctional instead of them foreign dysfunctionals

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  20. I am blatantly stealing from my favorite Far Side cartoon – I’ve always loves the combo of “Dirt Fill and Croissants”. Really covers a lot of ground 😉

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