Poems, Science

Polar Pivot Poetry

52 Comments

The European Space Agency, analyzing data from a trio of paddle-shaped satellites charmingly called The Swarm, has announced observations that indicate Earth’s magnetic North Pole is drifting southward.

This could mean the magnetic poles are about to flip, something that has been geologically documented as part of the planet’s history, though it only occurs “every few million years.”

So you’ll forgive me if I’ve forgotten exactly how that went the last time. Our magnetic field protects us from deadly cosmic rays, so any alteration is disconcerting to say the least.

How are we supposed to feel about this? The changeover is said to take a few thousand years, so it’s unlikely that you’ll wake up tomorrow with the poles suddenly reversed, but the mere thought of it is already creating a very disturbing effect.

It has started to generate random limericks.

Yes, the poles of our magnetic field
have been known to occasionally yield
to the urge to reverse.
It’s a magnetic curse
when the flip side … Surprise! … is revealed.

Then your compass will turn to the south
and the polarized teeth in your mouth
will so quickly invert
that it won’t even hurt
But you’ll lisp with each thought you espouth.

Your internals will somersault too.
Turning upside down inside of you.
With intestines for brains
You’ll develop new pains
Sitting down on the parts meant to chew.

But your head’s where the flip will appall.
For the plumbing down low now stands tall.
Every word that you speak
Will sound more like a leak
Which may not seem too different at all.

When have you flipped?

52 thoughts on “Polar Pivot Poetry”

  1. Mouth and espouth. Brilliant!

    I don’t tend to flip out, but some things have great potential:

    When people throw their cigarette butts out the car window. Use a f%#king ashtray or an Old Milwaukee Light can.

    When people walk as if they are the *only* shoppers in a store. Look, I don’t mind if you walk slowly. I don’t mind if you choose to walk down the center of the aisle, blocking anyone from passing you on either side. But when you walk down the center of the aisle AND you’re walking slowly, you’re just a pain in the ass. Regardless of whether it is due to inconsideration or incompetence, you’re a pain. Does your family of five really have to walk shoulder-to-shoulder spread across the whole aisle? And what the hell is your shoeless three-year old kid doing up at 1:00 am? The reason I make my sometimes necessary trips to Wally World at this time is to avoid the legendary ‘People of Wal-Mart’.

    Texting while driving. Really? (On a side note, I see the bus drivers and tram drivers here in Cluj text while driving. And they’re the *safe* public transport drivers. Don’t even get me started on the taxi drivers.)

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    1. That’s exactly why I shop the Farmer’s Market at 6 AM on Saturday mornings. Besides being able to find a parking spot within a reasonable walk, shopping early has the added benefit of avoiding the three-abreast browsers, the bicyclists who don’t care to park their bicycles while shopping, the young families with babies in strollers and the heavy-duty shoppers who need little Red Flyer wagons to haul their bounty.

      Don’t get me wrong, I love that people bring their children to the Farmer’s Market, and that they enjoy socializing and visiting with friends, neighbors, and vendors. I just don’t enjoy crowds, so I avoid them when I can. Of course, shopping early also has the advantage of having first pick of the freshest veggies, and sometimes, when items are in short supply, the early bird gets the worm.

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  2. Good morning. I agree with Joe regarding people who clog up walk ways. I don’t like stepping aside for “sidewalk hogs” who take more than their share of the space available. Also, I dislike those people who stand in groups almost completely blocking foot traffic. They never seem to notice that they have become an obstruction.

    Another problem that gets to me is people on bikes who go too fast in places where they could hit someone. I am talking about places such as those that are marked with signs telling bikers to keep their speed under 10 MPH. In these areas you need to be very alert if you are walking because there are many bikers who go much faster than that through those places.

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    1. I find it so very ironic that bicyclists complain about cars that follow and pass too closely, drive too fast, neglect signals, and otherwise refuse to share the road, then turn around and do the exact same things to pedestrians. I guess “what you hate you imitate” is truer than I imagined.

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      1. Living on the lake, there are a number of winding roads with no shoulder. When bicyclists are on these stretches of road with no shoulder, cars literally have to move into the oncoming side of the road. This is more than irritating, it’s downright dangerous – not for the cyclist, but for the people in cars. There should be “No biking for the next three miles” or something?

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        1. I don’t think that’s very reasonable. People have a right to bike. If you can’t pass the person on the bike without going over the center line or getting within 3 feet of the bike, you just follow behind the bike. If it takes some time, so be it.

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        2. that certainly is the rule in many older paths in the uk and europe. if you are not able to pass. go slower. if the road were meant to be traveled at 50 they would be wider

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        3. I have to do that on the West River Road a lot, where there are bikers who prefer the street even though THERE IS A BIKE LANE AVAILABLE right next to the road. And I do just get behind them (as I\I grit my teeth) till I can safely pass, but it is very annoying. I have actually considered stopping to ask them WHY if we come to a stop sign together, but haven’t got up the nerve yet.

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        4. BiR, sometimes I think bicyclists take the street instead of the bike path because of the poor condition of the path and/or the pedestrians who choose to walk on the bike path instead of the walking path. Once when I was biking around one of the minneapolis lakes, which had both bike and walking paths clearly marked and separated by a good amount of turf, went around a corner and came face-to-face with a group of people who were walking about 7 abreast on the bike path, while the walking path a few feet away was nearly deserted. Urgh.

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      2. i think what the whole things points out is that almost everyone has their life on the inside out of contact on the life going on on the outside. they are not jerks they are just now aware. most folks get through the day the best they can and the idea of taking someone else into cinsidersation is too much to ask. i am frequently doing my meditation hmmmmmm as i am biting my lip waiting for some dolt to ge tthe hell out of the way and then laughing when 5 minutes later i am catching myself go slow when something is of interest to me and the guy behind me wants to blast past. i always liked that saying “life is to short to sweat the small stufff and remember its all small stuff”

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  3. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    I am back from our weekend Tour d’Iowa–wedding and reunion and extended family. None of that made me flip. It did make me tired and unable to think of much to say, except that I drove many miles and nearly was swallowed in the flood between St. Peter and Mankato where the water was lapping at the road and flooded later that evening.

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  4. Technically I don’t flip out over some of the things we’ve already discussed, although they drive me crazy.

    However, I will admit to completely flipping out on the day I picked up the Teenager at college last month and she had her nose pierced. All her other piercings and her tatoo are OK w/ me (although personally I wouldn’t spend MY money that way) but on her face made me insane. Insane is probably an understatement. The piercing didn’t last the day… she took out the ring about an hour after we got home.

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    3. All three of my daughters have a nose piercing, as well as a couple ear piercings each. One daughter tried an eyebrow piercing but after months of infections and eyebrow falling out, she gave up. None of the piercings bother me – but I bet there’s some other things they do that make me flip that you are okay with if your daughter did them (different strokes for different folks).

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  5. A fellow named Dale in St. Paul
    Couldn’t help himself no not at all the polls they were switching and Dale got to twitchin
    Had to answer that Limerick making call

    He tried her deflated it first
    But like being on the desert with thirst
    He would start out a sentence with no thought of repentance
    And limericks would spring forth unrehearsed

    With the polarity switch on the planet
    Although he tried hard to personally Can it
    Those limerick refrains
    Coming out of his brain
    Responded like a fire when you fan it

    If it weren’t for this Trail baboon blog
    Where dale is the alpha blog dog
    And we do what he asks for his daily blog tasks
    The trail history is all cataloged

    The topic is flipping today
    We will all think of something to say
    It may be bright and sunny
    Responses witty and funny
    As the trail baboons all blog away

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  6. I’m going to be predictable here (as when am I not?). Somehow Dale’s clever poetry seems to deserve better than replies about how annoying other people are,

    For a year I carpooled to work with my editorial assistant, Rick, doing the driving. Rick couldn’t stand not driving because for him driving was a series of agonizing conflicts with the stupidity of other drivers. He swore and ranted and pounded the steering wheel as other drivers failed to meet his expectations for speed and deference to him. If a car was slow to take off when the stoplight changed Rick would howl, “How (effing) GREEN do you think that’s gonna get?!?” Driving was torment to Rick.

    What was his great need for speed? When he got to the office Rick would put his feet on his desk, whip out the sports section of the paper and be lost in it for an hour. It could be hard to tell if he was awake or not.

    I concluded long ago that we grant others the power to annoy us. It is a choice. Driving like a rude stock car racer makes me tense and nasty. Driving like a Minnesota Nice guy makes me feel good. I’m too selfish to flip out when others aren’t courteous, so I smile and hope others will tolerate me when I do things that delay their hopes for the day.

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    1. Well put, Steve. I wonder if Rick had tantrums behind the wheel when there was no audience to observe his disgust?

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  7. Hmm, I admit, I do tend to flip out. I am the sort who just needs to say WHAT?!?!?! go on and on and eventually work through somebody else’s stupidity.

    slow people blocking my way? people who hold up the line? not so much.

    people who spend 2 post-it notes telling “the staff” to recycle the obsolete documents out of a notebook (just one, not a stack of them) and recycle them, but save the notebook… that makes me a bit wild, but eventually I get over it.

    All that said, while I like biscuits and gravy as much as the next person, and am second to no one in my appreciation of cheese grits and Flannery O’ Connor, I really do not want to be a Southerner

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  8. I’m currently in flip-out mode. My neighbors have three trees leaning over my roof that threaten great damage to my cottage were they to fall on it. With last week’s storms, one of their largest trees did indeed fall onto their yard, but its twin tree (sharing the same root ball) is leaning precipitously over my roof. Two other near-dead trees also lean toward my place with such large branches that they form a canape over the roof.

    When their huge tree fell, I spoke to them about the danger of its twin falling on the cottage, They just snarled at me, “Are you a tree expert now?!”. When they had a guy finally cut up the fallen tree, I asked him if he thought my home was in danger of being slammed by the remaining twin tree. He said, “Well, I wouldn’t want to live under it”. I then asked him if he’d told the neighbors of the impending danger, to which he replied, “Well, not exactly – I don’t want them mad at me”

    I then googled “Who’s responsible if your neighbor’s tree damages your house” and was mortified to learn that MY homeowner’s policy would have to cover the costs! I have a $5000 deductible. I then researched and learned that there’s one exception: if the neighbors had been warned that their tree needed removing or trimming due to being a potential hazard.

    I’ve already gotten a tree expert out here, taken pictures, and been advised to send them a certified letter that will serve as “pre-warning”, but the a long-contentious relationship with them is bound to escalate into a full-scale war.

    And so, I’m flipping out.

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  9. I tend to flip out at little things, such as having to wait in long lines at walmart while the ice cream melts, and then the person up the line being checked-out has something that doesn’t scan, and after waiting for someone to check the price, pulls out scads of coupons that need to be scanned, and then some of them aren’t exactly for what the person bought, and then they argue with the cashier about it and then a manager has to be called.

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  10. when i read what makes you flip out i was thinking about positive terms
    what makes me flip out is wonderful pesto, a guitar player who can make me feel alive, a perfect day that i have been lucky enough to notice and partake in instead of having to go inside and sit in air conditioning or heating, crickets chirping, northern lights every time,
    snow capped mountains, watching my kids hit pinacles ( my 15 year old passed her drivers test today and goes to get her permit in the morning, i guess im taking her because her mom isnt quite ready to be the passenger yet.) riding a motorcycle, seeing a jackson pollack, willem de kooning, franz kline, rembrandt, monet, kandinsky, van gogh, listening to bernstein, gershwin, django reinhardt, eva cassidy, miles davis, ella, mel torme, placido damingo. i guess im easy

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  11. OT – Peter Mulvey is scheduled to play a house concert on Sunday evening in Minneapolis. Anyone interested in going, please email me for more information. He’s terrific. Ask Linda or tim, I’m not the only one who thinks so.

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  12. Flip out or just flip? If it’s the latter, then, on occasion I can still get myself upside down on money bars…provided they aren’t too high up off the ground (and the audience watching me gracelessly get there and back is limited…).

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  13. Offensive jokes that encourage stereotypes:
    Son to his father – “Dad, can I have ten dollars?” Father to son – “Eight dollars! What do you need six dollars for?!”

    A lot of people in this world have trouble with math. Making fun of them won’t help anything.

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  14. That was a three-snort limerick, Dale. 🙂

    I placed my “flipped out” reply under CB’s bicycle comment (I think).
    There really are a lot of ways to go with this:

    flip (flp) – v. flipped, flip·ping, flips
    v.tr.
    1. To throw or toss with a light brisk motion: flipped me the ball; flipped his hair out of his eyes.

    2. To toss in the air, imparting a spin: flip a coin.

    3.
    a. To turn over or around, especially with a light quick motion: flip over a card; flipped the tape to play the other side.

    b. To turn through; leaf: flipped the pages of the report.

    4. To strike quickly or lightly; flick.

    5. To move or act on with a quick motion: flip a switch; flipped open her briefcase.

    v.intr.
    1. To turn over: The canoe flipped over in the rapids.

    2. To turn a somersault, especially in the air.

    3. To move in twists and turns: fish flipping about in the net.

    4. To move quickly and lightly; snap: The lid flipped open.

    5. To leaf; browse: flipped through the catalogue.

    6. Slang
    a. To go crazy. Often used with out.

    b. To react strongly and especially enthusiastically: She flipped over the new car.

    We seem to be using mostly 6A, and a couple of 3A.

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  15. I can remember two instances when I flipped (physically).

    Fifth grade P.E. class. The teacher chose me to demonstrate how to do a flip – must have been some trampoline or something involved, but my memory is a bit fuzzy on that details. I went pretty high and could hear the class ooohing. Naturally, as I got older, I got more self-conscious and fearful and couldn’t do a darn thing in our “tumbling and gymnastics” unit in PE in junior high, so that was my one moment of glory.

    In my twenties, biking down a street. Stopped for a red light – but the bicyclist behind me didn’t stop for the light and rear ended me. I flipped over the handlebars and landed on the street. He said “Sorry.” I was too shook up and in enough pain that I didn’t scream at him, but I think I should have slapped him or silly or something.

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