Today’s post comes in the form of a letter from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden of Wendell Wilkie High School.
Hey Mr. C.,
Well it’s past the Fourth of July and the back-to-school sales are about to begin, which got me thinking about starting yet another sophomore year at Wilkie. Some years I wonder if it’s worth the effort. I know lots of people who say it’s a scandal how I keep getting held back in the tenth grade over and over again, but the standards there are high on purpose and there always seems to be a good reason why I shouldn’t advance.
A long time ago I became the poster child for the campaign to end social promotion. So for a lot of families at Wilkie I’m their guarantee that the school is serious about achievement. “As long as that Spamden kid stays a sophomore,” they say, “I’ll know my kid is expected to perform. Imagine! A sophomore forever!”
Anyway, holding me back is now something everybody has gotten very used to, which is maybe the most major reason of all why I’ll never get to be a high school junior. You know how it is when you get into a routine.
So that got me thinking that maybe I need to do something crazy and different to shake things up, which is why I’m writing to you to ask if you could forge my dad’s signature on a form that I have to fill out before I can be allowed to donate my brain to science.
I guess minors need the consent of a parent or guardian to do this, and even though I’m way, way NOT a minor anymore, as soon as they find out I’m a high school sophomore they INSIST I fill out the form. Don’t worry though, you won’t get in trouble because it’s probably not even a crime to pretend to be my dad on a permission form when I’m almost thirty years old!
Did I just say that out loud? Geez, now I’m even more sure there’s something wrong with my brain.
And scientists from all over the world are working right now on solving some of the most complicated mysteries that happen between your ears. So there’s lots of money in the field, and everybody’s arguing over how to spend it.. Some bunch of European brain experts have signed a petition to say the big Brain Project they have going on over there is “too narrow in focus,” which is an odd thing to criticize because when I start flunking tests my mom always TELLS me to focus in on one thing rather than letting my brain “squirm like a toad,” which is a phrase I think she picked up in the ’60’s when people’s brains were really weird. Because toads don’t squirm, they hop. At least they do these days. Maybe things were different back then.
So anyway, they’ll probably decide to do even more research just to keep everyone happy, which is great if you have lots of education in, like, neuroscience and stuff.
I don’t have that education, but I DO have a brain to sell. I’m willing to bet they’ll want to take a really close look at one that couldn’t get out of the tenth grade, just to see what’s wrong with it. I’d like them to take it as-is. I’ve done as much with it as I can and I think the timing is right. Besides, Artie Richter is the smartest kid in 10th grade and he says they won’t have to remove my brain or anything, but I do think if the researchers buy my brain I’ll get to lie around a lot inside MRI tubes, listening to music, which would be an awesome improvement over Mr. Boozenporn’s class this year!
So what do you say, Mr. C.? Will you help me shake things up and change the script this year?
Your pal,
Bubby
Of course I told Bubby that I would not help him avoid going back to school by forging his dad’s signature on a document that allows him to donate his brain to science. But the fact that he thought I might do it suggests there’s some weird chemistry going on inside his noggin, and it would certainly yield some interesting results if the researchers could only get their hands on it.
What could be learned if you donated your brain to science?
Trail Baboon 
Good morning. Bubby’s brain does seem to be unusual. The study of it might lead to some interesting discoveries. I have no idea what would be discovered if scientists studied my brain. They would probably find some parts of it that aren’t fully functional and would probably wonder how I managed to get along in life with a brain like the one I have.
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i think it may be a n advantage to have some parts not fully functional jim. a good coping mechanism
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Well, tim, what parts are we talking about? Have you noticed something?
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to study my brain would offer about a 50 50 chance ant coming up with anything worth looking at. the question as to whether there would be a switch on mode would be interesting i heard about a study the other day where they were plugging in your brain then asking questions about stuff and trying to catch your brain in certain modes. the question was if the train was going down the track and going to kill 5 people would you switch the track and have it kill only 1 person instead (answer yes) if the train is coming down the track and you can keep it form killing 5 people by pushing 1 person in fornt to stop it would you? (answer no)
i think the study they would need to do on y brain would be how does it work if it keeps flapping in the breze alllowed to go where it chooses and works out 27 different sitiuations at the same time many of them over and over for a 15 year period or do the results change when a single thought and mission are focused on. how do the neurons change color. does it matter if it is a winning outcome or a lost one? a continual one or a end line in sight? ideas for my kids or ones for me or ones for the workld at large?
i guess what theyd learn is there are a buncjh of questions they can keep asking an d the answers just keep on coming up.
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nobody ever offered to throw themselves down on the track to save the 5 people. what is inside those guys who throw themseves doewn on gernades? the ultimate sacrafice.. i guess
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I suppose they might find out if moderate gin consumption during the summer months is protective to certain parts of the brain or damaging. It’s possible they might find out a bit about any genetic connection (or lack of one) for non-Alzheimer’s dementia. Or maybe they’ll figure out why I perceive depths and ranges of colors that my husband does not (they might need my eyes for that study as well).
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Great topic today. I’ve been seeing commercials for some movie where the main character is somehow modified (radioactive spider??) to use more all her brain capacity. Morgan Freeman is in this movie and quotes the absurd “people only use 10% of their brains” urban legend in the trailer. Bizarre since he supposedly prides himself on his science knowledge.
Anyway, I’m sure a look at my brain would show how hard I work at finding ways to not cut the grass. And then it would show how silly that is because once I do break down and cut the grass, I usually feel good!
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Completely OT. Linda, if you’re on today… last night for the first time, I got enough raspberries off my canes that some of them made it inside to go on ice cream! Thanks thanks thanks for those canes!
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woo hoo
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I’m glad those canes have found a happy home. Always more where those came from!
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Dale, I forget, how did you become friends with Bubby in the first place?
I think they would find some mechanism that allows one to see little tiny visual details at the expense of a bigger picture. Husband would concur.
OT: Off to Winona this morning – see you in a few days, Babooners.
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beethoven?
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How? Um … he and I have the same relationship that Luke Skywalker has with James Earl Jones. I played his father in an obscure drama.
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Here is an article on the brain and music:
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and here’s the song of the day… Linda Ronstadt’s first hit:
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Yes! I still have that album.
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oooh! and another one:
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Rise and Shine Baboons!
I can’t imagine that they would learn a thing from my tired brain. However, I would like to know why my brain CAN remember my 5th grade best friend’s phone number and birthday, but I can’t remember why I opened the refrigerator door.
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Geez, I wish I had that problem. Unfortunately, when I open the fridge I always remember what led me to do that.
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I don’t think there is much that a scientist can learn anymore from a dead brain. Working brains are much more informative given the wonderul scanning capabilities we have. I think we know a lot about brain structure, but not enough about brain function, and that only can be discerned with living people being scanned while doing tasks. So, perhaps Bubby should think about earning some extra money AFTER school while his brain is scanned while he DOES HIS HOMEWORK!
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Yesterday on NPR there was a charming story of researchers who studied the brains of 7 month old babies while they were being spoken to. The sections of the babies’ brains involved in speech and motor planning were very active during the times when they heard speech. It led the researchers to believe that the babies brains were preparing for speech while the babies listened to the speech of others.
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Makes sense to me!
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I loved that report.
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Several things about my brain are odd, particularly its ability to keep calm when what feels normal would be to cuss and howl. But what interests me now is my memory. I’ve been told often that I remember events and people and stories that most people forgot years ago. I still remember–pretty much word for word–stories that my father told me in the 1950s, describing his childhood in the 1920s. I didn’t think anything of this for most of my life, but now I understand that (for better or worse) I am queer in this way.
I have friends who treasure this quality. I sometimes think they include me on expeditions because my memory records the event and makes it available to them afterward. One friend explained that his life disappeared from memory like water running through fingers. But if I am there to be a witness, the event becomes solidified forever. This is not a boast, and I’m not sure it is even a good thing, but the past lives on in my head in ways that are highly unusual. I doubt there is anything physical to examine, but if this could be explained I would love to know more about it.
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Your brain is like a scanner in an airport, truth be told. Whenever I’ve told a childhood story, I’ve come to inquire if it fit your recall. You usually say something like “Close enough”. You overheard me on the phone describing our 26-hour road trip saga to my best friend, Greg, so when I hung up, I asked, “Well, was that how you experienced it?”, to which you replied, “Accurate enough”.
I’m starting to think that you’re intentionally being more kind and accepting of my misperception of events, present or past, instead of actually correcting me with your razor-sharp recall. I make up that you’re empathic because of my increasing loss of memory?
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Most people find it disagreeable when others correct their memories of events. For one thing, most of us remember things in ways that support our general outlook, so being told that we are wrong is not a neutral thing.
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Well, since I’ve been doing the free version of Lumosity, I’ve obviously been ‘working out my brain.’ So, they could probably see the results of my brain crunches, brain push-up’s, and brain burpees. “My brain feels GREAT!”
…yes, that commercial drives me nuts…
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The images of a brain above really hit home for me today as just yesterday my neurologist was showing me the model of a brain in order to educate me about my seizure disorder. Seems that my left temporal lobe is non-stop agitated, sending off electrical charges around the clock that look like fireworks on the 4th of July.
Since I’ve been on anti-seizure meds for about a year, I asked if I could get what would be my 11th EEG to see if it’d calmed down at all. She said, “Only if you’ll increase your meds”, knowing that I’ve consistently refused to do so. I smiled and told her that extortion won’t work with me.
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What worries you about upping your dosage?
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Because a few months ago, I relented and took 3 instead of 2 pills and wound up hallucinating for 14 hours.
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My grandson suffered several concussions a couple of years ago. One while swimming at camp and at least one and probably two more playing football. He is now 15 and has been through brain rest which put him into a depression, extensive testing, brain training, counseling, and probably more I’m not remembering. He still suffers occasional symptoms and no longer participates in any contact sports. Interestingly, it is nearly impossible in a 13-year old boy to know which out-of-character symptoms are the result of brain trauma and which can be attributed to puberty. Scary stuff.
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Can’t spell my own name! What does that say about my brain? ~Occasional Caroline!
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It might say more about your fingers, or your keyboard or your degeree of energy than your brain.
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Scary, indeed. I am wondering though, how the heck do you get a concussion while swimming? Don’t think of swimming as contact sport.
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I could imagine diving and hitting his head on the bottom of the lake, or crashing into another swimmer, or falling and slipping on the dock, or getting clocked by a peer in rough water play. . . The possibilities are endless
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Or jumping off the side of the diving board and hitting the side of the pool. Maybe I can blame this for why I open the fridge and just stand there sometimes.
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It had something to do with climbing onto a floating dock or maybe a boat while getting out of the water not at the shore. I agree, you don’t think of swimming as a contact sport. He does still swim and tube in lakes, but no more football!
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