YA and I went to Fawn-doe-Rosa on Saturday. Standing in front of us in line was a family of five – two parents and three teenagers. It was clearly not a happy family outing with a lot of rolled eyes, big sighs and snappish comments.
What made you finally realize your parents were smarter than you thought?
Trail Baboon 
Writing a book about them. Before I did that, I didn’t see them clearly.
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Rise and Shine Baboons:
Well, unfortunately, I never did get to that point. My dad became too ill, too soon, to be able to share the kind of good sense parents need to communicate to their kids. My mom just never had it. I learned early on that she did not represent my best interest, and that I was better off not following many of her ideas of what was best for me.
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Great that you figured it out quickly, Jacque!
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I think it was when I was 25 and got married. I finally saw how good and sensible and hard working they were.
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It took a long time for that realization for me. Taking over the farm from Dad but still working with him out here every day was hard. It’s unfortunate I remember the bad times better than the good times.
He could fix anything; I’m not sure at what point I realized he was better than I was at that. I was probably in my 30’s when I figured out Mom has a really good outlook on things. (that whole “Oh well; it will be fine” attitude).
Interesting question!
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I remember the trip home I made when I’d almost decided to leave my disastrous marriage to Wasband. First night there, they had already climbed into bed, and I came in to say g’nite – ended up sitting on the edge of the bed and talking a bit about how things had been going. My dad asked “How long are you going to stick it out, Barb?” and I realized they knew some of what I’d been thinking, going through. They knew a lot, probably before I knew it. I had what I’d come for, their blessing to leave that relationship. Ever since that moment, I’ve figured they were pretty savvy.
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I get multiple weekly (and sometimes daily) phone calls from our daughter. She wants my advice and reassurance more now than ever before. She is managing work and grad school and independent living quite well, but needs to connect at home. When it is anything to do with research design or statistics she wants to talk to her father.
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All of those calls from your daughter are validations of the parenting you did earlier. It sounds like your daughter doesn’t so much “need” advice so much as she is ready to listen to input from a trusted source (you and your husband). That is probably the most positive possible relationship for everyone now. Good for you!
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Thanks!
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that’s the question i keep asking my kids
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my parents allowed me to spread my wings and learn on my own
neither of them was very daring
i was a challenge and they handeled it well
looking back i am thankful
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I quit school about halfway through and rented a very small upstairs apartment in a duplex down the hill from where my boyfriend eventually wasband was still in school. I remember coming home from an evening shift at about 2 a.m. with my feet so sore I thought they were going to just fall off before I made it up the steps. And for some reason while I was cleaning up and soaking my feet and getting ready for bed I thought what would this be like if I had kids? Not sure why I had the thought but it was very sobering and it was the first step on my journey toward realizing that my parents were more courageous and stronger than I.
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While every family and every kid is unique, I see patterns. Kids start out being totally dependent on parents, and the experience can be stormy and rewarding. Then the kid begins to make decisions, choose values and assume control (often in the teen years). That produces conflict. How could it not? Then most kids hit a patch where they don’t think a lot about their parents because they are so busy learning their jobs, managing relations with a spouse and (most distracting of all) raising their own kids.
That can evolve into that moment this post is about, the time when adults who are secure in their independence look back on the parenting they got and often conclude their parents generally did better than it seemed at the time. As kids begin to look physically more like their parents they often appreciate their parents as people more.
But it’s highly individual. I was late to the process of becoming independent. I was somewhat moody as a teen and secretly experimental in college. Not until my 40s did I begin to see my parents well, and then writing the book raised that awareness to new heights.
I worried about my daughter. After a typical good childhood, she became contentious at about ten. Between that time and her teen years, everything was a power struggle. I dreaded her teen years because she was acting like a teen long before she got there. But, remarkably, she was sure enough of her individual identity and power by the time she was 13 that the scuffles just disappeared. Her teen years were a delight, which meant it was easy to enjoy the kind of relationship we have now.
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Boy were you lucky (except for that 10-13 stage).
I’ve talked to several parents with kids spaced about 4 years apart who were so relieved it happened that way – while one kid was 14 or so, there was still one kid who didn’t think they were a pariah…
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Having them 9 years apart was pretty good, too, especially on the chequebook.
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I spent most of the years between 14 and 17 in my room with the door shut when I was at home, snarling at my mother and feeling irritated at her.
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My 15-18 age span was similar. Nothing my folks could do was right and I think I was angry just about all the time. So it didn’t surprise me when Tween got roller-coaster cranky. After 3-4 years of that though, life seemed to even out for her. So I was totally unprepared for the roller-coaster Young Adult that I now have on my hands. 70% fabulous and mature, 30% cranky pants!
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Only 30%?? That’s pretty good.
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I pretty much fall in the same category as Jacque. I never thought that my parents were downright stupid (and they weren’t). Uneducated, yes, but not stupid. Considering the abusive mess that our family was, and the miserable marriage they had, I never thought to look to either of them for guidance or support as an adult, and it certainly never occurred to me to consult with them about relationships. I much preferred to make my own mistakes, and proceeded to do so.
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Our daughter is a tough one. Chronologically she’s 23. Emotionally she’s maybe 14-16. Developmentally, she’s all over the place.
We always joke her ‘stages’ last much longer than normal.
At the moment she still thinks I’m pretty special. Well, except for when I’m ruining her life and she storms off and slams her door. Yep, I did that too.
I expect I’ll be able to ruin her life for a few more years, then we’ll see what happens.
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VS, one of my nieces just posted some videos from Fawn-Doe-Rosa on her Facebook page. I think she was there the same day you and YA were.
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Tried to explain. Would not enter. Do not have access to computer.
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Weird. Says it’s there but is not. After all that careful fingering.
Off to have procedure on lumbar issue 3 hours.
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Thanks for checking in, Clyde. Fingers crossed for successful procedure.
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