All posts by Dale Connelly

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Illegal Use of Hands

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all water surface area in the state of Minnesota.

Beechly Ice shark copy

Greetings Constituents,

I am alarmed to see the tussle that has emerged from President Obama’s brief handshake with Cuban strongman Raul Castro. How our president could be so careless is beyond a mystery to me. I have been in politics for a relatively short while but I learned early on that it is very bad policy to shake hands with people.

That’s why I don’t do it! Not only is it unsanitary, it’s bad politics.

Those of you who have met me at campaign rallies know that I’m a back slapper. I will enthusiastically slap the back of anyone who is willing to stand near me, but I won’t hug you or leave my arm lying across your shoulders and I won’t shake hands because I could pick up germs or worse, political cooties!

Here’s the honest truth – when I’m introduced to people, I have no idea who they are or what they have done. Or what they WILL do. Unfortunately, a photograph of me with any person found later to have committed a heinous act could spell the end of my political career. And if that happens, we ALL lose!

So in self defense, I will slap you on your back. Why? Because in the moment it feels chummy, but in photographs it looks like I could be pushing you away. If it turns out later that you abuse kittens or run a meth lab, that’s the spin I’ll put on our encounter. I say this to be completely transparent and honest with you. While some constituents have complained about this habit of mine, most who have heard the explanation come to understand it is simply good common sense.

And it works both ways – as protection for you, too! I don’t have to tell you Congress is highly unpopular right now. And you never know what I’ll do! But I think we can all agree, I’m probably smarter than the president! On this issue, anyway.

So look for me in the district this winter. I won’t make you take your gloves off to greet me – it’s far too cold for that. We’ll just share a mutual pounding between the shoulder blades. It’s just one of the many ways I continue to look out for your interests, and mine.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

I told Congressman Beechly there’s another good reason not to shake hands at 9th district political events – so many of the participants have just had their fingers in a cup of worms! Of course whenever I think of handshakes, this song comes to mind!

Are you a glad hander or a back slapper?

Travel

Off-Planet Paradise

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I feel I’ve arrived late to the party because I just discovered plans are well along to recruit people to settle the planet Mars starting in the year 2022.

Your Garden Spot Awaits!
Your Garden Spot Awaits!

The plan is to send a small group of people every few years until a community is built. Costs will be defrayed through TV broadcast of the proceedings as a reality show, and in addition to being famous the Mars pioneers will have the opportunity to live out their days in the dim light of a dry, cold, airless world!

Did I say “live out your days?”

Yes, there’s a spoiler alert – you don’t get to come back! But that makes sense, because adapting to the Martian gravity will weaken your muscles and we already know that living in space reduces your bone density, so a return to Earth in your later years would just be an oppressive, painful ordeal.

Which, of course, your later years are bound to be anyway.

Clearly this creates a wonderful opportunity for people who truly hate the lives they currently have on Earth. You might as well die on Mars. This is so much better than hospice!

You’re the first Earthling to die on Mars. What does your tombstone say?

Songs, Travel

Frightful!

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Finally, something to bring us all together – the searing pain of wintry weather. It seems like just about every part of the United states is experiencing some form of frostbitten misery this week.

It’s enough to make even the most self-indulgent winter-smug Minnesotan finally feel understood. And while we’ve been trained not to say it, the temptation is irresistible. Especially if it can be sung:

Though the weather outside if frightful.
Winter suffering’s insightful.
Don’t believe us? Well now you know!
Told you so, told you so, told you so!

While it’s true we don’t get typhoons here,
and we’ve just a few baboons here,
there’s calamity in the snow!
Told you so, told you so, told you so!

Though we surely complain enough,
You’ve reacted like you didn’t care.
Mother Nature has called your bluff.
Now there’s frostbite everywhere!

Feeling sympathy’s not verboten.
We are all part Minnesotan.
Hypothermia leaves a glow!
Told you so, told you so, told you so!

Ever say “told you so”?

Songs

Keeping the Customer Satisfied

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden at Wendell Wilkie High School.

Hey Mr. C.,

Me and my buddies were talking last night about how weird it is that Bob Dylan’s electric guitar from the 1965 Newport Folk Festival sold for almost one million dollars.

Fender-Stratocaster-e1361934303638

Believe it or not, we studied this in class – how revolutionary it was to play a plugged-in instrument at a folk festival and how Dylan got booed for doing it. Our history teacher, Mrs. Barbary-Allen, said Dylan was a traitor and she hoped he spent the rest of his days tormented by remorse for the horrible thing he had done. Then she went on for a while about how Dylan couldn’t feel any remorse because he was the Devil and he killed Buddy Holly and threw his body off the levee from the back of a Chevy and there was no justice in the world and then told us to read chapter 7 and put her head down on the desk and wept.

It was kind of awkward.

We found later that Dylan left the guitar on a plane and ignored the guy who tried to give it back to him, so that guy’s family finally sold it and got all this money.

I bet someone’s feeling remorse now!

As high school sophomores, whenever some kind of real-world surprise comes along we’re always told to “let that be a lesson to you.” But in this one, we’re not sure what the lesson is. That’s why I’m writing to ask for you help.

Uncategorized

Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I was traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday and found myself in the San Francisco airport suffering from an undue amount of stress because I had just been told by an unsympathetic gate agent that my baggage was headed to Cincinnati while I was returning home to Minnesota.

I have spent all my life suppressing feelings of rage and I was in the process of quashing these latest destructive urges as well when all of a sudden I found myself on the edge of a hysterical screaming fit. It was as if every bit of frustration I had  experienced for any reason at any time was going to come pouring out of me in the form of an extremely dramatic tantrum.

Just then, a volunteer approached with a dog that was wearing a “Pet Me” vest. I fell to my knees and hugged the animal as the savior that he was while his handler explained that several dogs had been dispatched throughout the airport as a stress-relief measure.

She explained that this particular dog, whose name was ‘Toby’, was exceptionally good-natured. “Toby has never done anything inappropriate,” she said. “He is a model canine citizen.”  She noted that Toby had already pulled several distressed travelers back from the brink of madness that very day.

As I petted Toby I felt years of built-up rage leave my body – not just the anger that had erupted over my lost baggage but anger tied to the emotional baggage I had started collecting the day I was born. I was elated to sense these poisonous feelings were leaving my body, but at the same time I noticed that Toby’s eyes got wide and his muscles tensed up.  The more I embraced him, the more relaxed I became and the more agitated he seemed.   

I told the volunteer how very grateful I was for the relief Toby had provided. As I watched them walk down the concourse, I watched Toby’s gait stiffen a bit, and when they were right in front of a crowded TCBY I was horrified to see Toby pause, glance over his shoulder at me, wink, and poop.

Now I’m concerned that I have poisoned Toby with my years of accumulated stress and may have turned him from a “model canine citizen” into a very naughty dog.

I’d like to find Toby again and take back some of my offloaded negativity so he can live a happy life. But I don’t know what sort of human-canine interaction would allow stress to flow the other way. Do you?

Sincerely,
Dogwrecker

I told D.W. I”m not aware of any way you can recover stress from a dog once petting that dog has removed it from you.   Canines are notorious for being possessive, so don’t even try.  As for the ‘evidence’ that  Toby’s emotional equilibrium was upset by D.W.’s rage transfer, a little bit of awkwardly placed poop is a small thing in the universe of potential dog mischief.  For me, the real question raised by this story is this:  How do you teach a dog to wink?

But that’s just one opinion.  What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?  

Travel

Hippie Road Trip

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On what must be the busiest travel weekend of the year, I was tickled by this L.A. Times article about two Brazilians on a modern day hippie road trip across Latin America in a VW Bus.

The car is unsafe by today’s standards, of course. But what it lacks in functioning crumple zones it makes up for with it’s approachability factor. It’s a much better head-turning and friend-making car than, say, a Camry. But then the ability to get strangers to smile isn’t usually designed into modern cars, and Volkswagen has announced it’s discontinuing production of the microbus at the end of this year.

van_cross_section

Thus we all will receive, for Christmas, a succession of news articles featuring people telling us their VW Bus stories.

Here’s one about a couple that has made a business out of giving people tours of San Francisco in a VW Bus. San Francisco is always interesting, but it seems this business is built mostly on the feeling people get around the car, especially in that historic hippie setting.

It doesn’t take long to find more – a 22 year old North Carolinian who has been dreaming of owning a VW Camper since he was 14, and a Brit renting one for a family holiday in the UK.

And of course I know there are fond VW bus memories on the Trail from Crow Girl and tim, which I would love to hear more about.

No doubt once production ceases (or even before), there will be calls to bring back the bus!

What discontinued product would you like to bring back?

Travel

Extrovert Airlines

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Everyone is feeling cheerful about the news that the F.C.C. will consider allowing cellphone use on flights.

Well OK, not everyone is cheerful. But many of the people speaking up seem to be happy about it. And the problem is – they’re so loud, it’s hard to know what the quiet types think. I suspect that in this age of marriage equality and marijuana legalization, the decision will go in the permission-giving direction, and people who see air travel as an opportunity to read and/or sleep are going to have to learn to live with it. Either they will learn to sit near the engine where no one can hear anything anyway, find a comfortable pair of earplugs, or resign themselves to serving time for Seat Mate Murder – a new category of homicide that will exist as soon as people discover a handy weapon to carry it out. How drunk does someone have to be before you can you smother them with a Delta Snack Mix bag?

Plane_phone

Perhaps the best solution would be to segregate air travel by personality type, putting all the loud, verbal people on one flight and all the quiet non-engagers on another. The crew might also be assigned based on social inclination, so Extrovert Air captains would be on the intercom pretty much constantly, blathering on about wind direction and travel time while the Introvert Air flights would sit on the tarmac, their pilots quietly fuming over the way those gabby ExAir crews chat up the tower.

Until we sort this all out, everyone could benefit from learning how to de-code a one-sided conversation, because we’ll be hearing a lot of them. I recommend lots of Bob Newhart videos.

When have you overheard something alarming?

Business, Science

Brand Loyalty

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Today’s post comes from marketing whiz Spin Williams, a wheeler-dealer who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

The economy is picking up! It’s a world full of great opportunities for smart people who are willing to embrace risk and do deals. But it’s also important to know when to walk away.

Case in point:

I’m not at liberty to say who made the offer, but during a recent new business discussion at The Meeting That Never Ends we heard from a very well-known genes manufacturer who was shopping around the famous Y chromosome for a possible takeover.

x_and_y_chromosomes

Naturally, we considered it. The Y is a well known brand name in the chromosome industry, making up a significant portion of all the chromosomes out there. It comes in second only to the X chromosome, which is the runaway market leader. In fact, the X is so reliable and effective, it has a 100% market penetration. Some people love the X chromosome so much, they have two! But there is a foothold – around half the population has at least one X and a Y. It was a bit disappointing to us to learn that very few people have two Y chromosomes, and we noted that as a possible marketing goal, should we decide to do the deal.

Doing our due diligence, we discovered that the Y was for sale because its maker has come to the realization that the chromosome is almost worthless, having been shown through scientific studies to contribute very little to any sense of individual well-being or overall usefulness. Most organizations considering a takeover would have walked away at this point, but my experience has shown me that marketing is more powerful than science. As proof, I offer the fact the we still have a tobacco industry! The value of any particular thing is in the eye of the beholder, and there is solid survey information to indicate that most Y chromosome users love and defend it simply because they already have one, and not because of any inherent benefits it may bring to the table.

And there’s a sizable portion of the chromosome-consuming public that doesn’t understand the product and doesn’t know which brand it prefers.

So in spite of the Y chromosome being inferior, we felt certain we could develop a marketing plan that would boost brand loyalty and make the Y seem more fresh and hip than it does today. Whether we would get to a point where X-only consumers might actually feel some envy for those with a Y was hotly debated at the meeting, with one side expressing certainty that such envy was impractical and impossible, and the other group adamant that Y envy pretty much drives all decision making by X’s. It turns out one of the side effects of having a Y is an outsized enthusiasm for the supposed benefits of Y-ness that X’ers don’t generally seem to share.

Similarly, it was the Y-freindly crowd that was all Gung-ho for immediately pulling the trigger on this deal and sorting out the consequences later. The double-X’s in the room were feeling less impulsive, constantly asking ‘How do we monetize this?’, ‘Where’s the benefit?’ and other fun-stifling questions like that.

Because there was no getting around this fundamental conflict, we walked away from the deal. First, though, we made a surprise bid for the X chromosome, thinking a seller in the mood to divest one of His low-performing properties might take the bait on an unexpected left-field offer for the most popular genetic product in the world.

That was a non-starter, but we all had a good laugh over it.

What does it take to get you to switch brands?

Poems

Anniversary Verse

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Calendar

When the significant date of an historic event arrives, all of our analog and digital media get together to transmit in a variety of ways what I’ve decided to call a Calendar Reactive Anniversary Pile On, or CRAPO.

That’s a bit coarse, I know. But like CRAPO is how I feel each time another somber reflection of past tragedy pops out of the entertainment/information gizmo I had turned to for a little weather or some sports scores.

So on a whim and to lighten the mood I commissioned Trail Baboon sing-song poet laureate Schuyler Tyler Wyler to write a ditty to relentless retrospectives.  Here’s his best effort:

This is The Day. Where Were You When?
Do you feel now like you did then?
On screens or paper, each device
demands you suffer through it twice.

Do you recall the words you said?
The thoughts you had? The things you read?
Devoted decades to delete it?
Write that down for me. I’ll tweet it!

Like planets orbiting a star
the worst news never goes too far.
It disappears a while and then
it comes around again, again.

I told STW he failed with this assignment because the mood is too heavy. He agreed and blamed it on this particular poetic form, which he said is too simplistic to have an official name. He’s decided to call it an Octosyllabic Triple Quadrain with a Hangnail for that one stubborn nine-syllable line in the second word clump. Not that it matters what we call it, but I heard once that dark things can feel less awful if we put a name on them.

Name something you’ve named.

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The Way The Wind Blows

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Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Pandering to Paddlers.
Pandering to Paddlers.

Greetings, Constituents!

The first I want you to know about me is that I’m on your side – and that’s true no matter which side your side might be. I will always support the closely held opinions of We The People. And when I’m talking directly to you, I support the notions of You The Person.

Some hyper-critical pundits complain that this makes me inconsistent on the issues. Like that’s a bad thing. If I’m hard to pin down it’s because I’m consistently in favor of you, and you’re only human. But I want you to know you can rely on me anyway.

That’s why I’m not so sure we should celebrate the birthday today of famed opinion pollster George Gallup. Gallup was a decent enough fellow, I suppose, who thought prevailing public attitudes should be taken seriously in a democracy.

That’s good, I guess. But Gallup wanted to do scientific surveys to tabulate the opinions of large groups of people all at once, and I just want to deal with the notions of the person I’m talking to at the moment. That’s the way politics should be conducted, in my opinion – face to face. Whatever ridiculous thing you say, I’ll agree for as long as we’re together, no matter how pudding-headed it is.

When I go on to the next person, well, that’s a different matter.

So all this data telling us what vast numbers of people believe at any particular time is useless to me. Pollsters claim to be neutral, and nothing frustrates me more than neutrality, unless it’s fairness! The sad truth is, people’s responses can be guided by the way questions are asked, and outcomes can be determined by the selection of answers they’re allowed to give. You may think otherwise but we’re not standing next to each other right now, so I can afford to not pay any attention at all to what you think.

If I had my way, all public opinion polling would be illegal.

And so would fact-checking.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly