All posts by Dale Connelly

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Do These Rings Make Me Look Fat?

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I don’t spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror – just enough so that I have to explain to people that I don’t spend too much time looking at myself in the mirror.

Some people assume if you’re constantly gazing into a pane of glass you’re a hopeless narcissist who can’t get enough of the one and only thing in the world you love. I wouldn’t know if such a motivation is even possible, but I contend that there could be another possible reason.

Reflection fanatics might be looking (and praying) for a new angle.

Ever walk past one of those three mirror alcoves in a clothing store only to be confronted with a side view of yourself? I do not recognize the side-view me as a real representation of me. I know what I look like, and it’s what I see head-on over the bathroom sink, 20 years ago.

But I do sympathize with the planet Saturn, which is almost always glimpsed on the horizontal or with its rings slightly tipped at a jaunty angle. Like an aging movie star, Saturn knew to keep the paparazzi at a distance, and always looking at that “good” side. That’s why it was so jarring when an “amateur image processor” from Croatia named Gordan Ugarkovic, produced this unusual image using 36 shots taken by the Cassini spacecraft. Cassini has been orbiting Saturn since 2007, sending back a steady stream of remarkable views.

Saturn_top

This is Saturn caught in an uncharacteristic pose. If it were me, I would argue that my rings look too wide and that shadow is unflatteringly massive. Why, yes, yes, of course it’s me – there’s no denying. But you shouldn’t sneak up like that and just start snapping photos. Give me a moment to compose myself. We outer planets can’t be as photogenic as Earth, all colorful and swirly most of the time. After all, feeling prepared and having good complimentary lighting are really crucial when you’re a gas giant.

What’s your best angle?

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Could Have Been Worse

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Today’s post is a House of Representatives newsletter from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly Announces He's Not Going Anywhere At All.
Beechly Announces He’s Not Going Anywhere At All.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m glad to report that the crisis is over and our government is open for business again! Hooray!

I got all your letters and calls, and though I didn’t exactly answer every single one I did read parts of most of them, so I know the past few weeks were very difficult for you. Thanks for your very graphic suggestions about where I could put things, and how I might atone (personally) for the behavior of some other members of Congress.

In spite of some very direct invitations that you sent me about moving to another district, state or country, I want you to know that I’m staying put and I’m equally certain that we all still think the USA is the greatest country on Earth!

And now comes the really important work – Forgetting Everything That Just Happened. Fortunately, this shouldn’t be hard since our research shows most people are bored by political tiffs and when all is said and done they have no memory of who started it and who got sucker punched. An old mentor of mine once said “You’ll never lose an election by overestimating the ability of a typical voter to totally disregard the most important details.”

And no, I don’t remember who it was that said that.

I guess the lesson here is the same one any craftsman learns – know what your tools can do.

When I was a small child I decided I could get my mother to buy me ice cream by holding my breath. The first few times I tried, it didn’t work. Then one summer day we were down at the lakeshore and there was an ice cream vendor there, and I asked if I could have a cone and she said “No” so I held my breath so long that I actually did black out a little bit, got kind of dizzy, stumbled, and almost fell in the water.

That’s when I found out that while I couldn’t use breath-holding to get ice cream, I COULD use it to make my mother super mad. That was a good lesson – and i realized it was not a very useful tool since I had lots of other ways to make the very same thing happen.

And just like the voters, over time she forgot my ridiculous behavior and kept a fierce love for me deep in her heart. Actually, the voters probably won’t do that, but mothers can be trusted to set aside the silly stuff. Eventually.

I guess my real point is that as bad as this whole episode was, and although it suggests our political system is broken and in spite of the way it left a strong impression that some of our elected officials are spoiled children, at least we don’t have to put up with giant hornets that kill people indiscriminately.

And that’s why the USA is a much better place to live than China!

God Bless America!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

If you had to live in another country, which one would you choose?

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

ann_landers-baboon-2-copy

My husband and I just put our house on the market and I have a real estate question for you.

He is a scientist who uses rats to do research on addiction. Last year, he decided to experiment at home with an idea he had at work – that rats might find Oreo cookies to be as addictive as cocaine.

This was the kind of experiment he couldn’t get government funding for at the institution where he works – that’s why the study was set up in our laundry room. I objected, of course, because even with the precautions he took with regular clean-up and freshening the cages and whatnot, all my skirts started to smell like a Rat Barracks after a few short weeks. In part this is because he had to keep all the windows shut and doors closed on account of the presence of the cocaine and the fact that we live next door to an Elementary School.

Like I said, he was doing it on the sly.

Anyway, he started to find out that the Oreos are just as addictive as the other stuff. And with Double Stuff, the Oreos are TWICE as compelling. They have more allure than morphine.

It was all very exciting.

In fact, it was so promising, my husband got some federal funding and moved his experiments back into the lab.

Meanwhile, a few of the rats escaped and now we have a problem with a worthless bunch of O-heads back at the house. I mean it – they got totally hooked on Oreos and now they don’t want to eat ANYTHING else. At all. And even though we stopped buying the cookies, we live next door to an elementary school (I know I said that already) and the children regularly bring contraband out into the schoolyard.

Now the emboldened rats are literally chasing children on the playground just to score some of that lunchbox gold. It’s a good thing the tykes aren’t armed, though I know the NRA wants them to be. I’m afraid the random, panicked shooting would perforate our house.

Anyway, I’ve sworn off Oreos and I’ve told my husband he can no longer bring his work home – our neighborhood is terrorized by red-eyed vermin with blackened teeth and milk keeps disappearing from the refrigerator for no apparent reason.

So, back to the real estate question – I’m afraid that if we’re able to move, the new owners will quickly discover the local rats are crazed and the structure will have to be abandoned and possibly burned. I tried to find a way to disclose this on the Truth In Housing form but I couldn’t find a blank space big enough.

Dr. Babooner, is it always best to tell everyone the complete truth?

Sincerely,
N. Festashun

I told “N” that telling everyone the complete truth all the time would be exhausting and probably impossible. But there are some things one shouldn’t gloss over, and selling someone a house possessed by demon, cookie-craving rats is probably one of those things. Unfortunately. The real moral of this story is that grown-ups should leave their work at work.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Songs

Waves of Blame

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Frantic last minute maneuvers in Congress may yet avert a financial default by the U.S. Government.

Here’s hoping.

Grain

But anyone who cannot pay her bills should be prepared to offer an explanation. In the 1930’s, Popeye’s friend, J. Wellington Wimpy, had such an excuse as his catchphrase.  Though “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today,” would not convince many people to float a loan in 2013.

But I think a disappointing message is received better when it is sung, and it just so happens that Wimpy’s signature dodge fits perfectly into the lovely, lyrical almost-our-national-anthem “America the Beautiful.”  I couldn’t resist, although it feels like sacrilege to replace “purple mountains majesty” with what amounts an empty promise.  But I contend that these are only song lyrics, and they are not nearly as awful as what is about to happen to our real national finances.

Some party bull. Some outright lies.
Recurring waves of blame.
Our fingers point to other guys
And they point back the same.
America! America!
Has self-inflicted ills.
A deadbeat now. A bum, somehow.
Defaulting on her bills!

We’ll gladly pay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today!
We have to be selective
which expenses we defray.
America! America!
The budget is a tool!
Each party hopes the other dopes
will seem the bigger fool!

A manufactured crisis
is something that we still make.
The part that isn’t nice is
that it takes so long to break!
America! America!
I hope we can agree
next time to skip the brinkmanship,
and please don’t furlough me!

The original “Boy Scout” version of America the Beautiful has eight verses. I couldn’t come up with that many, but everything has been downsized since the sequester took effect.

In this case, that’s probably for the best.

Should some songs be off-limits to parodists?   If so, which ones?  

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Bumper Crop

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Washington – Recent figures show that 2013 is turning out to be a banner year for the tireless workers who turn the fertile soil of American public opinion, planting seeds of doubt and raising the hackles and ire that feed our public discourse.

Sunflower_face

“We’re seeing massive amounts of confusion over everything,” said Republican narrative farmer Walter Todd, who planted a new variety of Obamacare Satanis in early July and is reports it is already in full-flower coast to coast.

“All I did was I told my brother in law at a Fourth of July picnic that Obamacare would ultimately lead to the socialist re-branding of Disney World as ‘Occupy Orlando’. It was just something provocative to say – I chased it with a few beers and the thing took off. I didn’t expect it to grow so fast.”

Experts say just about any story that has an identifiable villain and ends in disaster will take root and grow tall this year.

“The environment has been perfect for it,” says Katie Boo, a professional fear monger in the Boston area. “The summer got a late start and people had to cram a lot of activity into just a few short weeks. They’ve been too busy to think much about what they’re hearing – they just believe the last person they talked to.”

All the hours and care spent sewing confusion are starting to pay off. Now that Autumn has started we’re seeing record crops of divergent convictions, from where responsibility lies for the partial government shutdown (Republicans or Democrats) to the real cost of failing to raise the debt ceiling (impending financial cataclysm or mere bookkeeping adjustment) to the true nature of orange Jello (tasty low calorie dessert or radioactive Hellspawn).

“Honestly, there’s fertile ground just about everywhere for pretty much everything,” said Lars Shrillstone, a freelance alarmist. “I was in Phoenix last week and ran into a really healthy variety of ‘Ted Cruz is an Evil Robot’. Usually it doesn’t take hold that far west, but this year, anything goes.”

What grew tall in your yard this summer?

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Take and Give

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Today’s post comes from Bart, the Bear Who Found a Smart Phone in the Woods. His words have been translated from the original Ursus Textish.

Bart Blackberry2

H’lo. Bart here.

It’s been a while since I’ve written because I’ve been keeping a low profile. Bear Hunting Season is still underway.

Not that anybody talks about it much. If there was a hunting season for YOU, it’d be all over the news but since it’s only legal to shoot me, all you hear about is the government shutdown.

I don’t care much about whether the government is operating or not unless it means all the bear hunting licenses got revoked, which of course they haven’t been because there are still bullets whizzing past my head. For me, fewer people at work means there are more people in the woods – and that’s not good.

Please get it fixed soon! I have to admit I resent it a little bit that I have to be afraid for my life for six weeks every year. People can be pretty cruel.

So until then I’m kinda on personal lockdown. I’ve turned off all the ringtones on my phone. I can’t even afford to have it vibrate because there are some people out here who shoot first at sounds and ask questions later. If you’ve sent me a text lately I haven’t been able to pick it up – sorry. One more week and I’ll be able to relax a bit.

And I’m kinda fasting. Staying away from food is important during bear hunting season, cause that’s where they expect you to be – near the tasty morsels. And when you’re being hunted, hunger is a weakness!

But after October 13th, I’ll be able to chow down. Then it’s a race to put as much fat on as possible before the weather turns really bad. Lucky for me Halloween comes in there a few weeks later. Do you know how many Milk Duds I can score with this bear costume? Plenty! And I love it that you really don’t have to say anything. Oh, people try to make me say “Trick or Treat,” but I just look at them and let a little drool spill out of the end of my snout and they hand over the candy pretty quick. As I walk away I’ve heard some people say “Man, that kid has bad breath.”

So that’s the thing. You humans take away my freedom and my security, and then you hand over exactly what I need to survive. You sure are funny that way. Kinda contradictory. I’m not complaining but you sure do keep me guessing.

Anyway, let this be a reminder to you. Bear season is almost over. Time to stock up on candy!

Stay calm and aim high,
Your Pal,
Bart

What’s your most profound contradiction?

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Role Models

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey, Mr. C.,

The school year at Wendell Wilkie High is off to a great start. I really, really love my Political Science class with Mr. Boozenporn.

US_Capitol

He started out the year being all stern about how the rules were going to be enforced this time and EVERYBODY had to have ALL their work done EVERY day. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Mr. B. said it was necessary because the big test next April will show whether we’re able to learn anything or if we are as dumb as a Target end cap full of Miley Cyrus CDs. “Your futures hang in the balance,” he said. “Will you be a success? Only YOU can decide.”

It was a good speech except I’ve only heard it two thousand times before.

But some kids got kind of stressed over that and a couple of them were actually talking about working hard this semester. That’s how intense it was. But then Alicia Nugent spoke up and said “Mr. Boozenporn, would I be a success if I got elected to Congress?”

Mr. B. assured Alicia that he would consider her a success if she did that.

And then she said “Mr. Boozenporn, what will happen to YOU if we boot that test in April?”

Mr. B. admitted he would be in serious trouble if his whole class booted that test.

Then she said “I’m sure I speak for most of the class when I say, Mr. Boozenporn, that you are not in the best bargaining position to make demands. Rather, we have demands for you since we control the only variable in this equation – namely – our performance on said examination.”

Alicia went on to explain how she could, with the help of just a few of our brainiest classmates, totally ambush the school by choosing to perform poorly on the test. And they could pull it off, too. Because it’s easier to get a question wrong if you know what the right answer is to begin with!

Mr. Boozenporn considered this for a moment, and then lectured for the rest of the hour on integrity and the importance of trying your best to do the right thing and blah, blah, blah, blah and boogety boogety and something about the opportunities we’ll have (or won’t have) in the future.

I didn’t hear too much of it because I was kinda falling in love with Alicia Nugent right then.

But Mr. B went on. Booting a test on purpose, he said, especially that big test in April, would be like the carpenter who recently shot himself in the chest with a nail gun. He seemed pretty sure we wouldn’t do that to ourselves and undermine our chances at success.

But then Alicia said … and this is why I kind of have an enormous crush on her … “But you already said I’d be a success if I got elected to Congress. Are the people in Congress the ones who got good grades, or are they the ones who were willing to wreck everything just to get their way?”

We all jumped out of our chairs and did a standing ovation. It was a totally awesome moment, like in one of those Spunky Teen movies, except one that’s really, really cynical all the way to the end.

Mr. Boozenporn gave her an “A” right there on the Machiavelli unit, and then told her to be quiet.

Still, I really love that class and I’m thinking of asking Alicia go to a movie with me. Should I?

Your (still a) sophomore pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby he should definitely ask Alicia out, but he might not be bright enough to hold her attention for long. Picking a good movie is key, but consider the showtimes and locations carefully. After all, the theaters are likely to be full of furloughed Federal workers.

Seen any good movies lately?

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Game of Chicken

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly of Minnesota’s 9th district, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly faces down an onrushing boat.
Beechly faces down an onrushing boat.

Greetings Constituents,

I’m delighted to be able to report that we in Congress are busy doing the work you sent us here to do – spirited fighting among ourselves. Obviously we (and you) are in a state of deep disagreement over which of our fears is most compelling.

We’ve heard your musings about the failings of government and by having two parties refuse to budge in a legislative game of chicken, we’ve made them come true! Now only one thing is certain: fear-based, blame-the-enemy, take-no-prisoners legislating is going to lead us to a federal government shutdown this week. That, and we have the most-hyphenated government in the world.

You’re welcome!

Chicken_2

I’d like to apologize to all chickens, by the way. It’s unfortunate that their name is attached to this kind of destructive strategy. I’ve known chickens and worked with chickens and have been served chickens in the past, and my fellow Representatives are no chickens! Chickens can be knuckleheads but I’ve never seen them be quite as stubborn as some Members of Congress. In fact, I’m fairly sure if we sent actual chickens to Washington, we would not be having a Game of Chicken over shutting down the government.

But I know you are wondering what a government shutdown would mean for my office and our relationship. Let me assure you that even when scores of federal workers are furloughed, I will continue to work as hard for you as I always have and will be as accessible to you as ever.

And by that I mean this – leave a message on my machine and someone will get back to you.

I mean it.

Your Faithful Representative,
Loomis Beechly

Have you ever been involved in a game of chicken? Who blinked first?

Songs, Uncategorized

The Ballad of Bo Xilai

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China is beating us in the race to build a high speed rail network – a contest many of us did not know we were in, not to mention losing. But there you have it – Chinese trains go faster on an ever expanding network of rails with robust growth among passengers. Before long they’ll be schlepping more people around their country on steel wheels than we do in ours using the old standbys – rubber tires, wings and airport rage.

But no matter how advanced they become in the bullet train department, one area where China will have a tough time overcoming us is in the realm of grisly railroad legends, particularly folk songs like “The Wreck of the Old 97” and “Casey Jones.” Don’t get me wrong – I believe the Chinese people are capable of any achievement, but they’ll need a sudden surge in faulty equipment and careless operators to catch up to the standard we’ve set for putting the throttle down and saying “to Hell with it all” if it means the train will come in on time.

Train_wreck

We are still the world leaders in Reckless Bravado.

The most recent Chinese character to emerge with that Casey Jones brand of swagger isn’t a railroad man at all, but the convicted, disgraced politician Bo Xilai. Apparently he embezzled, lied, bribed people and tried to cover up the fact that his wife murdered a British businessman. Driving a train into the ditch is apparently the only thing he didn’t do.

Come all you peasants if you wanna chat
about a reckless guy and a bureaucrat
Bo Xilai was that fellas name
And the party hierarchy’s where he played his game.

The Party people told him “You’re the man”.
He had proletariat in the palm of his hand.
He had the charm and skill and a rockin’ wife
with political ambition and a sharpened knife.

Bo Xilai. What an up-and-comer!
Bo Xilai. Indulging every urge.
Bo Xilai. Getting busted is a bummer
It’s a drag to be the loser in a party purge.

What’s your favorite tragic ballad?

Poems, Science

We Are Not Snakes!

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Biologists in California have discovered some new legless lizards living in a few very specific areas, most notably at the end of a runway at the airport – LAX. These previously unknown creatures spend most of their lives underground and a very small area, and may have eyelids and ear holes, which are just a few of the tiny details that distinguish them from their more familiar writhing cousins.

Legless_Lizard

We amateurs would call them snakes anyway, because up to this point most of us didn’t know there could be a non-snake with a that distinctly snakey look – all wriggly and appendage-free.

For some reason, the notion of legless lizards at LAX made me consider the trials facing these unfortunate creatures – they spend their lives in the area the size of a small tabletop at the end of a runway that launches countless humans riding mammoth rumble-machines into exciting far-flung journeys.

So bleak – rather like living without money in South Minneapolis.
Envy is a possibility, not that there is an option to wriggle on board. “Legless Lizards on a Plane” is a bad idea for a movie on a number of levels, not the least of which is the amount of dialog it would take to repeatedly explain that they are not snakes.

So I decided they need a limerick.

The no-legged lizards at LAX
watched the planes pass while flat on their backs.
With each flight that occurred
They were profoundly stirred
with each tooth shaken free of its plaques.

Where’s the loudest place you ever lived?