Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents,

Once again another election day has passed and I have been returned to office without a single vote cast against me. There is no one else in Congress who can boast of such a record!

I’m proud to represent the wonderful 9th District and I promise to defend it against all who would belittle its residents and squander its resources. And believe me, there are people who look down on us and think they should somehow have more influence just because their districts include so-called “dry land”.

First of all, “dry” is a relative term. If you look at it on a microscopic level, there is no “land” in Minnesota that is completely “dry”. So then it’s simply a matter of degree! Should some people be more privileged because the terrain under their feet is less damp? I say no!

There’s a lot of chatter in the press right now from smug “firmer-than-thou” territorialists who are snickering over a Minneapolis voting district that is entirely within the boundaries of Lake Calhoun.

Just because no votes were cast in Ward 10, Precinct 3b, that doesn’t mean the area has no issues. But countless re-postings of the original article have occurred under the same heading – “You’d need a boat to vote in this Lake Calhoun precinct.”

This is voter suppression at it’s worst. Or should I say voter submersion?

You should not need a boat to vote! In fact, it is for all the boatless people in my district that I work so hard at my job, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota! They are the ones who need my help – need OUR help – the moist!

I will always stand up and if necessary, tread water, on behalf of those who have no one to speak, or gurgle, on their behalf. This mockery must stop! We should have more polling places in the blue areas of Minnesota’s map, not fewer! Because the future belongs to those floaters who always rise to the occasion and show the necessary ballast to cast their ballots.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When have you been in over your head?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I am caught in the middle of an unpleasant disagreement between my wife and my biographer over the awkward question of just how amazing I am.

My biographer thinks I’m over-the-top awesome in every possible way – as a thinker, a leader, and manager. She has written volumes about my strategy and my style. She even gives me high marks for the neatness of my desk, both on the visible surface and even the floor underneath where most people don’t check. And I would blush to repeat what she said about the times she’s looked in my drawers.

My wife, on the other hand, thinks it’s hilarious that I have a biographer. “Self-important”, “deluded” and “narcissist” are some of the words she has used to describe my willingness to be interviewed for a book about me.

Dr. Babooner, my emotional side tends to agree more with my biographer’s opinion of me, but my logical side finds it hard to discount my wife’s expertise.

Could they both be right?

Conflictedly,
Pretty Perfect Person, Perhaps

I told PPPP one of the first rules of human nature is that we are eager to accept the good judgement of those who lavish compliments on us. But rather than struggle with a false choice between believing his flatterer or someone who really knows him, I wondered why PPPP neglected to say nice things to his wife about how awesome she is? If he had been doing this all along, perhaps she wouldn’t be so realistic about his shortcomings.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

Attention Civillians!

Winter has arrived and if you have any awareness of what it means to drive under icy conditions, please share that information with your neighbor immediately. It may be an awkward conversation because most people who have been on the planet for more than five years think they already understand what a life-changing difference a little bit of ice can make, and yet we as a species suffer from seasonal amnesia.

As a result, we must all regularly re-calibrate our heads in order to deal appropriately with the likely occurrence of a total loss of traction. Too many people allow the reliable footing of late Spring, Summer and early Fall to become their default expectation. This leads to terrible consequences when things go frictionless in November and December.

The moments that pass between the time you start sliding and the time you stop are terrifying!

That’s why I always try to act like a space walker, no matter where I am.

I stay tethered to a stationary object, move gingerly and always operate under Newton’s First Law – a thing in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an external force.

Once you incorporate that idea into your moment-by-moment decision making, it has a profound effect. So before I start out in any direction, I look to see what kind of massive obstacle is likely to stop my progress. Usually I’m not too enthused about the way things will probably end.

So I stand around a lot and wind up not going anywhere, much.

Yes, people say I’m boring, but it turns out that standing still is also an important part of Newton’s First Law! When the first snow falls, staying put is a great survival strategy. You should try it!

Cautiously Yours,
B.S.O.R.

Share some winter driving trips.

We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m exhausted from years of having to think about the 2012 elections. Now that it’s over, I’m looking forward to a little entertainment. Problem is, we have only one free night this weekend.

So I invited my husband to go with me to see a big hero movie that’s opening today. The main character is iconic. Larger than life. Admired. Beloved, even. I e-mailed the trailer to him to get him excited about the prospect of spending a couple of hours in the dark with me and this well-known character. My hope is that we’d both feel all action-y afterwards. Take a look and tell me it’s not amazing!

But here’s the thing, Dr. Babooner. My husband wrote back and said he’d LOVE to go see a big hero movie that’s opening this weekend about an iconic character who is beloved and larger than life. He said he was excited at the thought of sitting in the dark with me and this well-known character. I was thrilled, until he said that afterwards we could have a really intense … political discussion.

Then I looked at the video he put in his e-mail.

Now I don’t know what to do!

Do I want frenetic spy thrills in a tense and gray modern London, or frenetic political jawboning in a tense and gray 19th century America?

My husband and I want to be together, but I’m afraid this choice is making it very difficult.

Conflictedly,
A House Divided.

I told A.H.D. she should flip a coin and live with the result. Really, it’s hard to go wrong, so why agonize? But that’s just one opinion. What do you think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post is a request for a personal favor that came from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

How about that election, eh? I was sure inspired by it, and suddenly I’m feeling really optimistic about my future!

It’s not that I’m a big Obama fan or anything like that, but I thought his speech was awesome at the end when they lit up some massive confetti fountains.

That was amazing!

I don’t know much about what he said, but finishing in a blizzard of flying red, white, and blue strips makes it all seem so much more terrific! And trying to watch the president and his family move around through that biodegradable blizzard was just a really, really cool effect – like Instagram, but in real life.

I’m pretty sure I want to work in the confetti industry when I grow up.

I’m not sure if I’m going to sell confetti cannons or just be one of the assembly line workers who cuts the paper into the shape of bats or balloons, but I know I’m going to do something to bring more confetti into the world! Call it a mission. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be totally dedicated to it.

And it’s also a smart plan because confetti is getting to be more acceptable at big public events and celebrations, including weddings! Throwing rice is out – now it’s confetti launchers and customized shapes. Confetti is OK just about everywhere, except funerals.

But that could change.

My folks used to look at the condition of my room and tell me I would only ever get hired by someone who really wanted to make a mess. I hope I can make their dream for me come true!

Do you know anybody in the confetti business who is looking for an intern or a cannon loader?

Your pal,
Bubby.

I told Bubby I would love to help him, but I don’t know anybody outside the very small industry I’ve worked in for the past 40 years. I certainly do wish him well, though, as he tries to get a foothold in the confetti biz. I assume success there is less about what you throw, and more about whom you know.

Describe a time when knowing the right person changed everything.