All posts by Dale Connelly

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Second Banana

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Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I love bananas!

I love them because they have no bones, and because they are the funniest fruit, giving us gaudy color and lots of raw material for pratfalls. Plus, monkeys like bananas, and monkeys are inherently comical whenever they are not biting you.

So it’s hard to improve on the banana for looks, flavor, and how they make you feel.

But there is a weakness – bananas are not like potato chips. When you’ve had one, that’s usually enough. At snack time, people rarely go for a second banana. In politics and show business, second bananas are disparaged – the name itself means that it is simply not as good or as desirable as the top banana.

Second bananas become leftover bananas, and leftover bananas become problematic. They turn all splotchy and can make the room bananodiferous. Imagine a store overstocked with second bananas! I don’t have to imagine it – I’ve lived through it and I can tell you it is not one of the things that grocery people brag about.

That’s why my July special at Genway is the Forever Banana! Using DNA from the giant sequoia, I made a banana that will last several lifetimes! Several HUNDRED lifetimes. Some of the trees in the Sequoia National Forest may be over 2000 years old! Mixing a touch of that sequoia mojo in with your average supermarket cavendish will give you a fruit that’s good at least until November. Of 2299. That’s more than enough of a lifetime to have it stay available for next weeks’ breakfast.

There are added advantages that come with adding Giant Sequoia DNA to bananas –

  • Extra Large Size
  • Super Durable Peel
  • Awe Inspiring Majesty
  • Rings!

And of course there are a few disadvantages –

  • A Little Bit Woody
  • Counter Space Hogs
  • Not A Favorite Hand-Me-Down For Future Generations
  • Sappy Tasting

But these are small drawbacks when you consider the big payoff. Genway Forever Bananas are reliable and sturdy. Steadiness is their trademark. When you need a banana-like fruit, they’re going to be there for you. They’re the right color and the proper shape, and they don’t go bad!

In today’s flashy, wacky world, there’s a lot to be said for something decent that’s available and not too weird.

Thanks for your attention, and please …
Don’t forget to play with your food!

Dr. Kyle

I suspect Dr. Kyle might be thinking more about the Republican Veepstakes than the produce section of his store right now. I’ve thought for some time that the good Doctor is aligned with the Republican Party – he is a long time foe of regulation and government oversight of any kind. His argument for a bland, reliable, durable banana sounds a lot like what I’m hearing in favor of Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty. Of course just because one is asked to join the race does not mean that the answer will be an automatic “yes”.

On which U.S. President’s ticket would you want to be the second banana, and why?

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Whispering in the Cemetery

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Today’s post comes from marketing whiz and ideas man Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

Just saw a great concept described in this newspaper article – tombstones with codes chiseled in them so people can use a cell phone to link to text, photos and video of the deceased.

Everybody wants to live forever! I know I do! If that’s not possible, at least make it so I can force people to listen to me after I’m dead. Lecturing from the grave has got to be the next best thing to perpetual life. Better, really! If someone has to hear you talk, the fact that you are dead adds interest. Especially if they are under the delusion that you are somehow nearby, and can see them too!

That’s why connecting your sound and fury to the location of your buried remains is such a genius idea. Standing there at your tombstone, hearing you rattle on about integrity, discipline and the importance of family, people might imagine that you are present in the space and could possibly lash out with a breeze, a rumble beneath the earth, or even the chilling touch of an icy, invisible hand! That’s why cemeteries can be such creepy fun!

There’s just one drawback.

I’m guessing it will never be common for folks to go wandering around the graveyard scanning tombstones with their smart phones. Could be wrong, but I just don’t see that happening. The living are busy and so self absorbed! They won’t have the time and certainly won’t have enough interest to find out what your life lessons were.

This means big disappointment for those who will shell out for the full talking tombstone treatment. When they they check the web statistics, they will discover that it is only grieving relatives who access their digital remains, and with decreasing regularity since expired folks typically do not record or post fresh material.

If what you want is to bestow your timeless wisdom on a thoughtless world that has forgotten you existed, you need to place your QR code in a location that has higher traffic than the local boneyard.

The ancient Egyptians had this all figured out, carving their hieroglyphics into public buildings. Why not do the same thing with your QR code? Forget the cemetery! There are enough similarities – the QR code and hieroglyphics are pretty much identical. To me, anyway!

Face it, these would look so cool side-by-side on your memorial pyramid.

But most (all) of us won’t get a pyramid, so why not take your tombstone money and mount a posthumous ad campaign where people can see it?
Have your QR code carved into the side of the Vikings new pleasure dome in downtown Minneapolis. I’m sure Zygi Wilf would take your money in exchange for a nice blotchy design that could create some appealing texture on those monumental outside walls.

And if somebody accidentally scans it while calling their bookie to place another $500 on Minnesota’s opponent of the week, they’ll get a chance to hear your words of wisdom – “Don’t waste your money in gambling. Especially on the Vikings.”

Your Entrepreneurial Friend,

Spin Williams

What would your talking tombstone say?

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What’s In A Name?

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Minnesota’s Secretary of State, Mark Ritchie, is in a tussle with the Republican leaders of the Legislature over the naming of two constitutional amendments that will go before voters this November.

Republican majorities in the House and Senate put the voter ID and marriage definition measures on the ballot, but Ritchie chose names for them that are different from those that appeared in the actual legislation.

Ritchie says it is part of his job to select descriptive names for ballot measures.

Republicans believe he is going out of his way to place unflattering headgear on their handsome ballot-stars, and they are furious.

Here’s the Legislative title for the voting amendment:
“Photo identification required for voting.”

And here’s Mark Ritchie’s title:
“Changes to in-person & absentee voting & voter registration; provisional ballots.”

This is the Legislature’s title for the marriage amendment:
“Recognition of marriage solely between one man and one woman”

And this is Ritchie’s title:
“Limiting the status of marriage to opposite sex couples.”

Does a name really matter? Some observers have opined that inattentive or indifferent voters would, without thinking too much about it, vote in favor of “photo identification” and “recognition” of man/woman marriage, but would be against anything that smacks of “changes” to the voting system or Government “limiting the status of marriage”

Are we really that easily swayed?

What if some familiar amendments to the U.S. Constitution had carried unsympathetic monikers before going to the voters?

Amendment 1
A Cloak To Protect Pious Frauds and Smug Know-It-Alls.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment 2
Something For Belligerent Survivalists To Shout About.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment 3
A Measure Most People Are Going To Forget About Very Soon

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment 4
“A Limitation To Eternally Frustrate The Cops on TV Shows

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment 5
Something For Lawyers To Whisper In Their Clients’ Ears At Trial

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment 6
Full Employment for Defense Attorneys.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment 7
Making Sure 20 Dollars Is Considered A Lot Of Money, Forever.

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment 8
Ordinary Punishment Is OK 

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment 9
Covering Whatever It Was We Didn’t Think Of Earlier.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment 10
If Mom Didn’t Give It To You, By Default It Belongs To Me

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

OK, now I’m feeling a little bit iffy about the Bill of Rights.

When has a name change altered your view of something?  

Poems

Gopher Feet Suite

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Here’s a rich and surprising comment from yesterday’s conversation about animals and crime.

Vicky is right – some townships pay a bounty. At least they did as recently as 2009.
And PlainJane is also right – this is gruesome. I’m sure it has not gone unnoticed by bucktoothed bards.

The prairie’s wide and low and flat
and rich, so things may grow.
It nourishes all plants above
And critters down below.

The ones who dig feel safe at home
In tunnels that they make.
But terror runs throughout the loam
Surrounding Silver Lake.

The bucktooth Gophers rototill
Through tree roots, soft and sticky.
But when they want a secret thrill
They softly whisper “Vicky”!

She frightens everything submerged.
“A child,” they say. “Petite.”
“But watch your back when you’ve emerged.
She’ll chop off all your feet!”

A shudder shook a gopher guard
On duty by the shore.
“She killed a dozen in my yard
And then came back for more. “

Her legend, scary and profound,
among the gophers grows.
They say she’s known to carry ‘round
A bag filled up with toes!

How could a child take such delight
In sport that is so gory?
Some people say she’s not quite right.
But that’s another story.

For in the village square each day
She’s greeted with applause
They give her praise and hand her pay
When Vicky gives them paws.

What nuisance should government pay a bounty to reduce?

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Bad Bears News

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Yes, it appears this is shaping up as a week full of animal stories.

Bart – The Bear Who Found a Smart Phone

Yo, Bart here.

So, when I look for news about the things “my kind” are doing in human society, I get way too much stuff about shootings and mailings and tranquilizer guns. It’s depressing. Can’t we just all get along?

Then there’s this story from the San Gabriel Mountains near Los Angeles, which I guess is a long ways away from here. A family of bears taking a dip in some guy’s pool. If you’re like me, when you read the story you’ll think “so what”? He lives on four acres on the edge of a National Forest. It was the middle of the afternoon. Why shouldn’t the local bears go for a swim? Things get hot, and if you had to entertain two cubs you’d be desperate for any kind of diversion, especially if it involves splashing and thrashing and maybe, if you’re lucky, salmon.

Or at least some fun pool toys to chew on.

I’m glad the bears were gone by the time the police showed up. Nothing ruins a fun afternoon like another one of those miserable tranquilizer darts. A sharp stinging pain and suddenly you’re waking up in some part of the forest you’ve never seen and you have to learn all over again where it is that people dump their trash. Bummer. Life is too short.

But this is the sentence that really got me.

Black bears were introduced into the San Gabriel Mountains in 1933, the descendants of 11 “troublemakers” transported from Yosemite National Park.

So there’s a whole tribe of bears out there with “troublemaker” in their DNA. Profiled early by the police and destined to be on the wrong side of the law forever! Oh, the romance of being in a group of outcasts – to know that you have a role to play in the world and it’s all about making havoc!

I’m a pretty well behaved bear, but when it comes time to hibernate this year, I’m going to spend those months dreaming about being a San Gabriel Rowdy, skinny dipping in isolated swimming pools and making the suburbanites mad!

Your Buddy,
Bart

If you had to be a criminal, what sort of criminal would you be?

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Miffed Cats Devour Blogger

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New Brighton, MN – July 10, 2012

In yet another startling example of the threat to personal health and safety posed by careless posting of half-baked opinion and so-called “humor” on the internet, a Minnesota blogger was devoured by a group of angry house cats early Tuesday morning.

Dale Connelly, author of the not-as-popular-as-he-thinks “Trail Baboon” blog, published an entry on Monday that included some disparaging remarks about felines. The entry in the six-days-a-week blog revolved around an earlier story that appeared in mainstream media regarding research that indicates over-exposure to cat litter could lead some people (but especially Danish women), to attempt suicide.

Connelly mocked the research by treating it as a serious threat in the voice of an invented, safety-obsessed character, Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At one point in his under-researched, overlong, 500 word plus screed, Connelly said:

” … some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction.”

This was apparently the final insult for local cats, many of whom are notably unimpressed by wordy, obtuse attempts at humor. Witnesses say literally hundreds of quietly purring death-dealers gathered at the Connelly house and ambushed the 56 year old community radio news director as he was dragging his family’s garbage to the curb in the early darkness.

Trash haulers, notably a hardy bunch, were being treated for shock and despair after finding smeared remains of the lifelong government-subsidy addict spread casually around the front yard of his New Brighton home.

Blog readers wondered throughout the day what might have happened to Connelly, who is notoriously reliable in posting his unremarkable thoughts at roughly 6 am Monday through Saturday. Online concern about Connelly’s fate turned to alarm, shock, grief, acceptance and finally, disinterest by late afternoon.

“So much of what he wrote was tongue-in-cheek,” said one reader. “Little did he guess the last tongue to taste his cheek would have the texture of sandpaper.”

If you suddenly disappeared, who would complain, and why?  

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Mad Cat Disease

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This just in from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty:

At ease, civillians!

And when I say “at ease”, I mean you should assume a state of awareness in the moderate-bordering-on-high alert range. That, to me, is the most relaxed anyone should ever be. If things get tense and alarming, we will quickly move into and through the several stages of panic. I know this much – the heat of these summer months has dulled everyone’s senses and has made us inattentive. How many of you have taken more naps recently? I know I have. That’s a good strategy for dealing with extremes.

But often when a person takes a nap, a family pet will come and nap nearby. In some cases that animal even gets into the bed with you!

I find this alarming, especially in light of recent studies about certain cat parasites that appear to slightly increase the risk of suicide in Danish women. That’s right – your cat may carry a parasite that could lead you to make a foolish decision about ending your life!

Especially if you are a Danish Woman!

Who knew? Puff could be a hazard to your mental health!

Is Puff Possessed?

Of course, some canine lovers will say it’s the other way around – that a person’s willingness to live with cats is a clear sign of a pre-existing tendency toward self-destruction. But I don’t want to get into that toxic argument. Here’s my point –

The parasite is transmitted through feces, so changing the cat litter is something that should be done every day, and by the most expendable member of the family. This is key. I realize it may be a difficult decision for any family – to choose the one member we could most easily do without – but it’s crucial that any exposure to toxoplasma gondii be limited limited.

In rats, the parasite creates lesions on the brain in the areas affecting behavior. Infected lab rats have been observed losing their fear of cats all together and even feeling an attraction to the odor of cat urine.

One theory about this clearly suicidal change in rat judgment is earth shaking!

Some researchers suppose that the parasite, which can sexually reproduce ONLY IN THE INTESTINES OF A CAT, changes the behavior of an infected animal in order to promote that animal getting eaten by kitty! If this is true it means nature is even more underhanded and nefarious than I imagined!

And it also means we must keep a careful watch on whoever in our family is responsible for feeding the cat. The repeated begging and pleading for Puff to “just take a little taste” of whatever smelly abomination has just been dumped into the bowl could quickly lead to a crazed person chopping up much more than mere fish heads at dinner time. Gruesome, I know, but it’s absolutely essential that we count their fingers before and after each meal. They won’t know why they’re doing it, so it’s up to us to remember that the fingertip is connected to the elbow, and the elbow is connected to the torso.

Yes, Puff looks hungry, but we must set limits. And although it will hurt family morale, we must make certain whoever cleans the boxes is closely watched and completely expendable. You might consider hiring someone else to do the job. But please, no Danish women!

Yours in Paranoia,

BSOR

Who does the most dangerous jobs at your house?

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Love at the Five and Dime

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Today is singer/songwriter Nanci Griffith‘s birthday. She’s 59.

A commercial broadcaster once told me that he appreciated a public radio show I worked on because we played Nanci’s music. I guess she wasn’t commercial enough to be featured on his station very often, but we had the freedom to embrace good music that was not going to make a lot of money.

At least one Nanci Griffith song did become a top 5 country hit – as done by Kathy Mattea. But Nanci’s is the version we played.

She has ardently promoted reading and featured books on many of her album covers, back when album covers mattered. Those looking for political statements in the poetry would find a distinct leftward tilt.

With her latest recording, Nanci has become more openly political and expressed unabashed support for the Occupy movement. Apparently this is not a topic that can be addressed with a pretty ballad, though I hope the hand-clapping Hell’s Angel boys are optional.

Things certainly do change.

One criticism of political songs is that they don’t have much staying power. Things happen. Conditions change. The topic shifts. Before long people can’t remember what it was you were talking about in your musical commentary.

But nothing is immune to change, and the fog of time obscures everything, eventually.

In addition to those suffering personal economic distress in the form of foreclosures and job loss, the “I’m not all right” assessment in that second song could certainly apply to Woolworth’s, featured prominently and innocently in the first song. The company closed all its five-and-dimes and retired its well-known name in the late 90’s to focus on a new retail strategy through a string of mall outlets called “Foot Locker”.

Yup, that’s all that’s left of Woolworth’s. Somehow I don’t think that lovely Five and Dime song would sound the same with the line “… she made the Foot Locker counter shine.”

Good thing Nanci Griffith was there to write the song at a time when people still knew what Woolworth’s was all about.

Name a favorite song, poem, book or work of art about something that is no longer around.

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

This is something like the fifth day in a row that it’s been unbearably hot and humid and my nerves are beginning to fray.

And I don’t even have to suffer in the weather!

I’m lucky enough to have enough money to live the kind of life that protects me from discomfort on 100 degree days. In fact, I feel trapped inside all my air-conditioned spaces. My home, my car and my office all provide plentiful false, frigid comfort.

The outside seems very remote.

Even the health club is air-conditioned. While I’m flailing away on the elliptical trainer I think about the huge coal burning power plants that worsen global warming in order to make electricity so huge fans can blow cold air into a giant room so people will have to do intense workouts to break a sweat while they could just as easily get totally soaked merely waiting for a bus.

The desk attendant says “stay cool”, as I leave. Everybody says that when you’re about to head out into the weather during a heat wave. Whenever someone tells me to “stay cool”, I want to lose mine. What’s wrong with feeling the heat? Why are we so afraid of what’s really happening in the weather? How did people survive before we figured out how to refrigerate our spaces? Didn’t they wear heavy wool clothes then? We’ve become sissies. The world is insane.

Would I feel less mad if I tried living without air conditioning?

Quizzically,
Seething Over Summer

I told S.O.S. he (she?) would not find relief in a world without air conditioning, but rather a different kind of madness. Though you may feel cooped up and isolated from reality in your cool, dry bubble, those who have no choice but to endure the sauna also feel enclosed and unable to escape. How did people survive without air-conditioning? A lot of them didn’t. So stop whining and enjoy your good fortune!

Sorry about my tone, but the weather has made me short tempered and intolerant.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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R.I.P. Andy Griffith

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The actor Andy Griffith died yesterday at the age of 86. He is best known for his portrayal of a quintessential and relentlessly likable American character.

As Sheriff Andy Taylor, Griffith was one of the last adult males to appear in a TV comedy who wasn’t painted as a nerd, a numbskull, a no-goodnik, or a nut job. His “brand” was quiet wisdom and abiding decency – try that in a major series today and see how well it goes over.

There will be tributes, of course. Many will indulge in the popular assumption that Andy Griffith and Andy Taylor were the same. Maybe they were, though some of the most thoughtful obits say Griffith was infinitely more complex.

But it is so easy to think of Griffith as Andy Taylor personified. Why shouldn’t he be? Somebody should! There was a tidbit in the excellent New York Times obit that shed some light on Griffith’s more nuanced personality when it described him doing something, I think it’s fair to say, most of us simply could not do – surrender control.

“Mr. Griffith’s fans may have imagined him as a happy bumpkin, but he enjoyed life in Hollywood and knew his way around a wine list. His career was controlled by a personal manager, Richard O. Linke, who forbade Mr. Griffith to solicit advice from anyone else, even his wife.

‘If there is ever a question about something, I will do what he wants me to do,” Mr. Griffith said in an interview with The New York Times Magazine in 1970. “Had it not been for him, I would have gone down the toilet.’”

The Times article says Griffith and Linke got together after Linke, who worked for Capitol Records, heard a recording of the then 27 year old actor giving a humorous talk to a convention at Standard Life Insurance Company in Greensboro. The bit became a hit on local radio – that’s how Linke heard it. One can fairly assume that without this bit of whimsey, none of the rest would have followed. What a fortunate convergence! You’ll note in this recording that Griffith’s voice goes a might heavy on the southern syrup.

Hard to believe something so innocuous launched Andy Griffith’s memorable career. Even if Sheriff Andy Taylor did not reflect Griffith’s true personality, it led to lots of laughs and many pleasant memories for hundreds of millions.

What sort of TV character are you best suited to play?