All posts by Dale Connelly

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Taking the Long Way

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Happy Independence Day!

To celebrate freedom by staying home from work on a Monday must feel especially sweet, unless you happen to be an employee of the State of Minnesota. In that case, the open ended-ness of your long weekend would tend to put a damper on those feelings of jubilation. Trust me on that.

Personally, I’m reporting for work today without complaint, because I have to, and because it’s delightful to have a job.

And so we will observe the day with picnics, parades and fireworks, though some might choose to celebrate with a woodworking project.

Here’s an artifact that is, without a doubt, an object of great significance. Thomas Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence on this lap desk of his own design. A compact and tidy thing, it folds out to present a felt covered workspace that sits at a comfortable angle for writing.

And yes, you have to do your scribbling longhand. There’s no keyboard, kiddies.

But it IS portable. Jefferson was a visionary, and somehow he could see that we would want to be able to plop down and put our thoughts to parchment anyplace, anytime. You can store your writing implements in the handy divided slide-out drawer. And it locks, so people can’t steal your ideas when you drift up to the counter for another caramel macchiato grande latte.

The Thomas Jefferson lap desk appears simple enough to be a basement project for the at-home craftsman, and some have tried. I can only guess that the various moving parts, tight fitting drawer and old-world corner joints defeated a few amateurs along the way. Just like writing the Declaration itself, the creation of an enduring piece of art is a lot harder than it looks.

One of the greatest things about America is that somebody else is ready to sell you that thing you can’t make for yourself – and there’s a price range so you have a chance to find one that suits your budget.

You can pay just over $1,900 (with shipping) for a Jefferson Lap Desk, though you’d think at that lofty price point it might be more effective to deliver the whole package for $1,776. Others are available at $795 and $600, fountain pens not included.

Once the desk arrives, open it up and conceive a nation (in liberty). Feel free to start over as often as you like. As long as you’re creating some founding documents, try to include a few words of advice for future leaders in regard to the whole notion of a debt ceiling.

If you’re like me, you’ll have to figure in the ancillary costs of dribbling ink on your good shirt.

When do you take the time to write it out longhand?

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What Government?

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Good discussion on Friday about admiring those you don’t agree with. Thanks to Clyde for the thoughtful guest post, and for bringing up Jon Hassler, whose writing provides a comfortable place for so many readers.

And so far, so good on the state government shutdown.

At least as far as my personal comfort is concerned, and what else matters? I’ve already got money, food and good health. Why should I worry about suddenly absent services that only other people need, especially if they’re people I don’t know and can’t see?

A friend forwarded a video for those who adhere to the old Ronald Reagan saying –
“Government is not the solution to our problems, government IS the problem.”

I can’t deny that government is sometimes inefficient and bureaucratic. But unnecessary?
It’s handy to have someone or something to blame for all the problems you see. But you may not want to wish it away entirely.

Where is the most lawless, unregulated place you’ve visited?

Poems

Budget Deadlock Haiku

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So much has already been said about a possible Minnesota government shutdown tomorrow, I hesitate to add even a single word to the flood of opinion. The Commentary River is well over its banks and some good people may lose their homes while familiar words swirl around them.

Maybe we need to impose strict verbal austerity measures.

Use your talking points.
Three lines, five, seven and five.
No new syllables!

Gold Horses look down
No one can clean their stable.
Mountains of manure!

My closed state park is
Beautiful without me there
Or so I suppose.

Government is the
problem that cannot be solved
with just a hammer.

Here’s a compromise.
You can adopt my viewpoint
Any time you like.

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Best Vacation Ever

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Thanks to the Sherrilee, Renee, and Beth-Ann, the guest bloggers who kept the conversation rolling while I was enjoying a long weekend in northern Minnesota.

It was a wonderful time to be away – even the mostly rainy day was delightful. And I learned about perspective! There is a proper way to record the events when you are catching impossibly tiny fish.

Pose like this ...

... not like this!

Summer, 2011 is turning out to be wonderfully green and lush. If you were lucky enough to not flattened by a tornado in North Minneapolis or submerged by a river in Minot, the weather has probably been pretty fair for you. Still, it is an upper Midwesterner’s obligation to complain bitterly about whatever prominent feature the climate is projecting. In this case, it’s the outrageous amount of rain and the far-too-cool temperatures, though the truth is that we are blessed to have enough moisture and something less than blistering heat.

For those who would like to experience a truly harsh environment, I suggest you book your passage as soon as it becomes possible to visit an asteroid.

This would be the vacation of a lifetime, if by vacation you mean a bleak and frightening experience that feels endless. NASA has sent a probe named Dawn to spend a year with Vesta, an asteroid that orbits our sun. Like some of those exotic vacation resorts you’ve chosen and then regretted, we don’t know very much about Vesta. Even the brochure is puzzling – this line-up of all the best known features makes Vesta’s amenities look like an assortment of blurry potatoes.

But they have sun there (or we wouldn’t be able to see it), so let’s go! I think I can see a pool in the third image from the top left, and is that the golf course in the fourth picture from the right, bottom row? I think it is, and it looks like there are no trees to get in the way of all the perfect, lo-gravity shots I plan to hit.

Fun!

Describe a vacation destination that was much different than you imagined.

The Baboon Congress

Steerage Song

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Today’s guest post is by Beth-Ann.

Early this month, Dan Chouinard and Peter Rothstein premiered a musical docu-drama (Peter’s word) telling the story of immigrants who traveled through Ellis Island. Steerage Song is a powerful homage to what is lost and gained by immigrants.
Beautiful voices sang the words from Emma Lazarus’ poem inscribed at the Statue of Liberty

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

And like John McCormack in this video the talented cast sang about the Beautiful Isle of Somewhere.

I was moved by this production for many reasons, but one of the big ones is that I am from an immigrant family. All of my great grandparents, my grandmother, and my son are immigrants. They came from Ireland, Russia, Germany, Austria , and Korea to this foreign land where they learned a new language, new jobs, and how to add their potatoes, kreplach, and kimchi to the melting pot that is America.

I am also a migrant. I was born in Japan on American soil and didn’t come “home” until I was 9 months old. Since that time I have lived in Michigan, New York, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Minnesota. I think this Land of 10,000 Lakes in My Isle of Somewhere.

We are all immigrants and some of us are migrants too.

What has been your family journey lit by the lamp at the golden door?

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Locked in a Room

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As the state’s budget showdown drags towards a shutdown on July 1st, settlement strategies come and go. The latest is the leader lockdown – Governor Dayton, House Speaker Kurt Zellers and Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch will engage in some marathon sessions Friday and Saturday to try to shape an agreement.

According to a report by Tim Pugmire of MPR:

Zellers said they will lock themselves in a room and won’t leave until they have at least some consensus or a framework that they can then take back to their legislative members and the governor can be comfortable with.

“But the point being that without the three of us in a room talking about these bills in great detail and coming to agreement between the three of us, it’s going to be awfully difficult for all of us to come to agreement,” Zellers said.

This is necessary at the very least so all parties will be able to say “we really tried” while pointing fingers after July 1.

But one wonders how “in” they will be “locked”?

Perhaps they could follow the model of the Mars 500 mission. But the experience so far seems to bring this warning: Those who are locked in a room begin to get used to being locked in a room.

It has now been more than one year since six men were shut inside a space ship-like enclosure in a Moscow suburb, agreeing to mimic conditions on a trip to Mars and back. They have endured mock emergencies including a loss of power and a week without communications with the outside world. They have simulated a Mars landing and walkabout, and are now on their way “back”, with a planned arrival “home” in early November.

Matching Goggles Can Help Build Camaraderie

They have their routines, which they follow every day without fail (weekends included). One Marstronaut said his greatest regret is that he misses “the randomness of the world”. So far it seems the greatest threat to the well-being of these men is the dreaded fun-sucking monster, monotony.

One of the mission co-ordinators said “one thing that they’re using to break the monotony … is creativity. For Halloween they dressed themselves up with scientific equipment. For Christmas they came up with their own self-made nativity scene. And they also celebrated the Chinese New Year.”

Perhaps Minnesota’s combatants could resolve to stay in the Governor’s reception room until a settlement occurs, and if they’re still in there on the Fourth of July, they could break the monotony of their own immobility and form a bond by improvising an appropriate holiday celebration with the materials at hand.

Better make sure nobody has matches when they go in.

How do you handle a deadline?

Poems

Sun In Your Eyes

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I see that one of the most e-mailed items on the New York Times website lately is a commentary that makes the argument that spending too much time in weak indoor light has caused more children than ever to be nearsighted. The article contends that something about the proper development of our eyes requires us to spend time in sunlight.

This alarming thought runs completely against the cautious parenting I did when my son was young. He was a fair skinned child, and I was vigilant about exposure. I may have even cast the sun as a master villain, along the lines of The Joker or Dr. Strangelove. Diabolical. Powerful. Merciless. The sun was something to be viewed suspiciously, and by “viewed”, I mean, never ever looked at directly.

Now parents will have to take a more nuanced approach. How are our kids supposed to feel about the sun? It’s complicated.
Perhaps this calls for a children’s poem.

Go play outside or you’re going to go blind.
The sunshine will help you to bloom.
Your lenses and retinas might misalign
if you do not come out of your room.

Our bodies are built to be active outside.
Doing running and swimming and games.
The sun is your friend. He’s your comfort and guide.
But please don’t look into his flames.

And sunblock your neck and the tip of each ear
and your shoulders and legs and your head
the tops of your feet. And please cover your rear.
Or the sun will re-color you red.

Go into the light but stay out of the glare
have fun but be safe while you play.
Get some sun. Cover up. Be carefree. Be aware.
And do everything just as I say.

What did your parents tell you never, ever to do?

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Bridge for Sale

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I know the real estate market is in miserable shape, but some deals are irresistible.

Wouldn’t you like to own this fabulously ornate and undeveloped chunk of terra incognita? The property itself has the same luxurious texture as the lumpy pillows that engulfed you when, as a five year old, you sat down on Aunt Helene’s mammoth brocade sofa, and almost disappeared.

This wonderful bargain is, in fact, NAMED Helene. How unique!

Don’t let the fact that Helene is a rather remote property prevent you from taking advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Moons of Saturn are numerous, it’s true. But they are not for everyone. Helene is frightfully cold and traditionalists shopping in the moon market sometimes disparage Helene for her clack of classic roundness. But this is a satellite with an unforgettable shape – clearly distinct from any run-of-the-mill sky disc. No one looking at a line up of charming orbiters would mistake Helene for a common moon!

And Helene is much more than a chiseled work of art – she occupies one of only five exclusive Lagrange points which can guarantee consistently excellent and unchanging views of both her sister moon Dione and the planet Saturn!

Yes, it is a rare individual who could afford to even attempt to buy a moon of Saturn. But times (for some) are so flush, the embarrassing build-up of money almost requires that a grand gesture be made in the form of just this kind of extravagant purchase – the kind that no one else would ever attempt!

C’mon, doesn’t it remind you of a heavy, musty smelling pillow from that favorite couch? What did you call it back then, when you were just a child? Rosebud?!

What useless thing do you own just for the sake of owning it?

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Big Shew

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Today is the anniversary of the debut of “The Ed Sullivan Show” on CBS TV, June 20, 1948. At the beginning, it was called “Talk of the Town”, though it wasn’t long before people began to refer to it by the name of it’s not-very-telegenic host, a mumbling newspaper man who appeared awkward on camera. Critics savaged him, but viewers liked Ed just fine. He may have been the first “reality” TV star.

The thing I liked about Ed’s show was its variety. He had acrobats and actors, dancers and directors, opera stars and puppets and rock bands too. There were lots of songs from Broadway. Rogers and Hammerstein were on the very first show!

But the act I’ll always remember is the plate spinner. Watching this guy do his thing is how I learned I could never be an anarchist. I get far too tense thinking about the possibility that the fragile world will come crashing down into a state of total ruin. Watching this act was almost unbearable for me as a 13 year old who liked things to be nice and orderly.

You may have to sit through an ad to see it, but that’s shew biz!

It occurs to me now that Ed Sullivan’s plate spinner was a preview of our multi-tasking modern workplace. Nobody is responsible for only one thing these days. Back in 1969, we thought he was insane, but Erich Brenn could be any school teacher or office manager in 2011.

What was your favorite act on the Ed Sullivan Show?

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The Bucket Test

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Thanks to everyone who sent their best wishes on the start of my new job with KFAI-FM. I’ve had a great first week and have made many new friends. Like anyone stepping into an unfamiliar environment, I’ve felt overwhelmed at times, but I’m confident that my duties will begin to feel manageable before long. I’ve already had lots of help. Being willing to offer and accept assistance is an important part of the deal. After all, they call it “community radio” for a reason! Check out “Taste of KFAI” today (Saturday) at the Ukrainian Center in NE Minneapolis from noon to six pm. Great music and food too! I plan to be there in the early part of the afternoon.

All jobs have their benefits and drawbacks. Sometimes I wonder if it would be fun to plan scientific studies. I know at first blush the work seems dry, but there are hidden creative opportunities and even occasional chances to do comedy.

Don’t believe me? Witness the University of Florida’s Canine Attention Study, which was written up by Tara Parker-Pope in the New York Times “Well” blog.

Basically, the researchers wanted to find out how closely dogs watch us, and if their perception of us changes their behavior.

First the animals (a selection of domestic dogs, shelter animals and tame gray wolves) were taught that the humans had tasty treats to give.

Then the creatures were presented with a choice. They were called by two treat-bearing humans who were standing twenty feet apart – one human was making eye contact with the animals and other one wasn’t. Researchers tracked which human the animals begged from most often.

Here’s a problem for the study planner to solve – how do you indicate to a dog or a wolf that a treat bearing human who is calling him is not really engaged in the task?

Four techniques were used.

In one test, the oblivious human had her back turned to the animals.
In another, she had a camera to her face.
In yet another, she was reading a book.
And finally, (here comes the comedy), she had a bucket over her head.

Yes, please, Ms. Grad Student. Please phone your parents and tell them you’ve been standing out in our yard, calling wolves to come eat SPAM cubes out of your hand while wearing a bucket over your head.

The findings?

Grad students will do anything for a little cash.

How much does your pet know about you?