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My Brother, the Marine

I’m thinking of my brother today on Memorial Day.

He was a Marine.

The purpose of Memorial Day is to remember those who died while serving in the military – a noble and worthy holiday to honor those who sacrificed themselves for our country. Argue if you wish with the logic behind some of the wars where so much has been lost. Regardless, the people who died made an unselfish commitment to fight on our behalf, regardless of risk. It is right to honor that.

But not every member of armed forces who dies does so facing an enemy in battle. The military is a machine that runs on the energy of young men and women and their willingness to do dangerous things. And as a result, it chews people up in unexpected ways and for dumb reasons, or no reason at all. Planes and helicopters crash, ships collide, rifles misfire, minds snap and bad things happen. There is carnage on the front lines but also on the bases and on the training grounds. In every case it is heartbreaking and the price is steep. Payment is usually immediate, though sometimes it takes years.

My brother Lee is one of those who paid in installments.

Lee did not die while enlisted in the Corps, but his death and his service are intertwined and when I reflect on his passing I think of him as a military casualty even though he was a 57 and living alone in an apartment in Irvine California at the time – not in uniform, not on a military base and far from any battlefield.

His passing was the result of a Hepatitis C infection contracted over 35 years ago – a consequence of a transfusion of tainted blood from a time long before the more stringent donation screening of today. Hepatitis C remains hidden – there are no symptoms in the early and middle stages so he didn’t know he had it until decades after the transfusion.

Lee needed to receive large amounts of blood because he had been attacked by one of his fellow Marines – an angry brother-in-arms who felt he had been passed over for promotion.

Lee’s wounds were severe and he almost died in the hospital. He was stabbed in the stomach while hiding, using a phone to call for help. His assailant saw the phone cord winding under the desktop and lunged with his weapon. Why? It’s like so many violent things today – there is no logic. It certainly was not the kind of heroic face-off you see in the action films. My brother and those with him were only prepared to shoot with cameras. Help came too late for two Marines, who died on the scene. Three others were injured.

Man and Cat, at home
Man and Cat, at home

Oddly, Lee had transferred to the photo lab from a much more pressurized and risky assignment. He had been a Military Policeman, and had he remained one he would have been called on to respond to this attack. You might expect taking pictures to be a safe way to serve out a term in the Marines, but not in this case.

In the years that followed, my brother focused on his photography business and volunteering at the local animal shelter. He remained proud of his connection to The Corps, though he was reluctant to talk about the incident or his attacker.  Yet the disease he had picked up as a result of it was already inside, doing its work.

I believe his strategy in dealing with this calamity was simply not to dwell on it. You could ask about his health but my brother had perfected his shrug and he was not interested in examining his personal problems with you. Next subject?

Although his story is not going to make it into a war movie, I think of Lee on Memorial Day, and every day, as someone whose life was changed and ultimately lost because he made a choice to serve.

Who do you think of on Memorial Day?

Make Mine Pine

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the company founder and produce manager at Genway – a supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I’m delighted that scientists who have more time on their hands than I do were finally able to sequence the entire super-lengthy genome for the Norway Spruce.

I tried to do it a time or two, but the Norway Spruce DNA string was so long I lost interest before I got to the end, rather like reading Moby Dick.

There was a lot of repetition in the genome too. I guess that’s what used to pass for great writing.

It’s odd, because Norway Spruce might be my closest personality match in the world of trees. They can be so prickly! They’re also sappy and messy, just like I am. And of course we both smell great and people want to snuggle up near us and hang things off of us every December. That’s why I’ve always wanted to do something coniferous at Genway! And now that I can get at all the genetic inner workings and mess around, my mind is reeling!

Of course everyone else will use this wealth of new information to try to make a perfectly shaped and completely durable Christmas Tree. Ho hum! I’m much more interested in the subtle manipulations.

For example, by incorporating simple Idaho tuber DNA into a cocktail with the genetic code for creating pine needles, I can clearly envision a house in the woods surrounded by trees that shed the raw materials for making ultra-thin potato sticks. So what if dropping spud-needles get caught in the gutters? Spray the roof with oil and set it on fire! Those first responders deserve to arrive at a blaze one time that i also a tasty, crunchy treat – just remind them to bring the salt cannon!

And what about doing something with those Norway Spruce seed pods? Imagine how a nine year old’s head would explode if you told him Ice Cream Cones really DO grow on trees! Now THERE’S a Christmas gift!

There are non-grocery applications too! Those pine-shaped hang-from-the-mirror car deodorizers have never smelled like an evergreen to me. But now that we know the proper DNA sequence, we can fundamentally spruce up everything! The dashboard. The mirror itself. Even YOU could have a naturally coniferous personal scent! What would it be worth to you to be as perpetually fresh as mountain air?

And what about sports applications? I’m sure there are a number of NFL receivers who would like a genetic upgrade to have their football-dropping palms naturally ooze an ultra sticky sap.

Yes, I’m delighted that the secrets of this complicated tree, the Norway Spruce, have finally been unlocked. Look for a sudden surge of Evergreen products at Genway including Evergreen Grapes and Evergreen Gravy.

Yes, green gravy! Why? Because we can!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Larry Kyle.

I think Dr. Kyle’s enthusiasm is premature. I’m not sure that knowing anything about the Norway Spruce gene sequence will help us much in the long run. But if it makes him happy, what’s the harm?

Tell us a story involving you and a conifer.

State of Brains

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district, which comprises all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly promoting brains on the water.
Beechly promoting brains on the water.

Greetings Constituents,

I write to you regarding an issue of great importance. It has come to my attention that some leaders in Massachusetts are saying that theirs is the brain state.

Are we going to allow this?

There was a time when American states competed to see which one produced the most impressive looking crops or the largest number of sophisticated manufactured goods. This is what State Fairs used to be about. It was a way for the state to boast about its superior products and an exemplary way of life.

But things have changed. Increasingly, the spoils are going to those states that have the best brains. The markets don’t care how big our pumpkins are. They want to know what’s inside! And I think our great advantage over the rest of the world is that our melons are chock full of brains!

Actually, that’s a lie. There are smart people everywhere and one human head has about the same amount of brainage as the next. But until we convince ourselves that we’re unusually bright, we’re not going to seem smart to anyone else. School children are known to go out of the way to not appear too smart, for fear they’ll lose the popularity sweepstakes.

That’s why we have to talk up the quality of our noodles just like they were beef cows or zucchini.

Yes, I’m saying every Minnesotan should have a blue ribbon pinned to his or her skull as a sign of excellence.

Why? Because our brains are bigger, plumper, juicier, faster, longer-lasting and just plain better than the brains in every other state, bar none!

Some will loudly disagree. Others will silently disapprove because they know in their hearts that they are smarter than us. Constituents, that’s where we have them! People who think they’re superior to everyone around them also tend to look down on promoters and salesman. They think their excellence is self-evident and believe that everyone else will soon come to see it. Saying so out loud is tawdry, or so they think.

In the meantime, these geniuses pity anyone who toots his own horn.

That’s a mistake!

The sign of a truly intelligent person is that she knows no one will give her credit for anything unless she demands that they do it! So I’m surprised there aren’t more Minnesotans talking up the unique qualities of their brains! We should be ready, at the drop of a hat, to expound on the quality of our noggins. We should all be the Muhammad Ali of intellect. Float like a butterfly, sting like Apis mellifera!

Let’s get started today! I’m proud to say I’m a smart person living in a State of Brains, and I think you are too!

Your Exceptionally Bright Congressman,
Loomis Beechly.

What’s good about your brain?

Cultural Downshift

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – Home of the Sherpa!

Whenever I’m feeling down, I look at the latest report from the US Public Interest Research Group to remind myself that there’s a lot further to fall. Yes, I could feel much, much worse. The US PIRG says young people today are doing less and less driving for a lot of different reasons including time and expense. Plus, when they were very little, their mothers and fathers drove them around everywhere they needed to go, inadvertently creating a a generation of lazy travelers who expect to be picked up and taken to their next destination.

In other words, public transit-loving leeches!

This doesn’t bode well for people like me who work in the automotive indulgence industry. Our audience is literally fading away. I have seen young people … young MEN … who are very conversant about bike racks but cannot get excited about a Corvette.

That’s just wrong.

We may be entering a time that will be remembered someday as the dark ages for the personal automobile.

Parked Behind a Small Rock
Parked Behind a Small Rock

But in the same way that Irish monks and scribes preserved western civilization by maintaining the culture through the transition from classic Rome to medieval Europe, so Sherpa drivers will allow our car culture to survive thousands of years into the future! It’s up to us to use and maintain the infrastructure. Otherwise our beautiful 8 lane freeways will become 2 car lane and 12 bike lane freeways. Perish the thought!

The Sherpa from Intimida does everything we need to keep our infrastructure in use and up-to-date. As the largest and heaviest passenger car ever made, it chews up the pavement at the same rate as 10 lesser cars. And no vehicle on Earth can match it for gas consumption. That’s great for America, because as our gas production increases (thanks, tracking!) the huge Sherpas of Intimida will be there to burn it!

And the taxes we pay will keep the roads in good repair. Sherpa ownership preserves a way of life, and supports Employment and Infrastructure.

And what about all that carbon dioxide in the air?

The Sherpa Woodsman edition comes complete with a old-growth forest that has been uprooted and surgically pre-planted in the cargo bay. That means your Sherpa is the only car on the road that both pumps CO2 into the air and consumes it at the same time!

Yes, young people think differently. Let them! It’s up to you to pass the consumptive culture that bred you on to some greedy future generation!

Come to Wally’s Intimida and take your proper place in history!

Your far-seeing dealer,
Wally

I told Wally that I’m not in the market for a new car, but in our own way, each of us represents something essential about the times in which we live. His eyes glazed over and I don’t think he heard a word I said after “I’m not in the market for a new car.”

In a Museum of the Future, which exhibit includes an image of you, and what are you doing?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Just this week I finally graduated from college. Yay for me!

Ann_Landers baboon 2 copy

I’ll never forget my feelings six years ago when I arrived on campus here at St. Capricious (Go Windsocks)!

I was all excited about becoming an English major and learning to write like F. Scott Fitzgerald. It was my goal to create books so complete and intricate and memorable, no one would ever be satisfied with a movie made from one of them. I thought I was doing all right until my finance professor pointed out that if movies could not be made from my books, I would be a starving unknown, forever.

So I switched to Finance with the goal of landing a job on Wall Street. My professor told me if I played my cards right, I could retire by forty. But then the recession hit and what with the investment bank bailout my dream of a career in Finance suddenly didn’t seem so noble.

So I switched to Social Work. Social workers are extremely decent people who work harder than corporate CEO’s for NO money at all, or close to it. They’re probably as close as you’ll get to Ghandi in the USA in 2013. I wanted to be just like them, and I felt great about it until I met some social workers who had become jaded. That was kind of disappointing, because there’s nothing sadder than an idealist who has lost her ideals. She’s got nothing left but an untethered IST. I didn’t want to be like that.

So decided to become a chemical engineer. In the process I found out that I love chemicals but I don’t care so much for math.

So I finally settled on communications, because no matter how bad everything gets, we’ll still need to talk to each other, right? I specialized in journalism, so for a class project I wrote an article about how experienced reporters are losing their jobs and having to work for half their previous salary, or for free.

So I switched to biology. Which was really interesting until I discovered how much it had to do with handling dead things. Ugh.

Anyway, by this time all the friends I’d made as a freshman had graduated and I was still not done.

I sat down with my academic counselor Jeremy, and we looked at all the degree-parts I had completed, and we decided with just another semester’s work I could design my own degree in Communobiological Chemfinancial Emotivity.

So that’s what I did, resisting the temptation to go into counseling because Jeremy is SO AWESOME.

Anyway, we just had our graduation and just before they gave me my diploma there was this commencement speaker – a really well-known singer songwriter. He was so cool and so … with it … I realized during his speech that I had wasted all those years. What I really wanted to do with my life was to write songs and play the guitar!

Dr. Babooner, I’m fresh out of college and depressed. I’ve just thrown away a ton of time and even more money to wind up at a place I really don’t want to be. I wish they had let me listen to my commencement speaker when I was a Freshman. It would have spared me a lot of grief.

Sincerely,
Robert Zimmerman (no, not that one). (at least I don’t THINK so).

I told Robert that it didn’t seem to me there was any actual profession that could spare him grief. His commitments are so tenuous, the only job description that would truly fit him is “rolling stone”. But that’s just one opinion.

What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Settler’s Remorse

Yesterday was the anniversary of the establishment in 1607 of the Jamestown settlement on a swampy, isolated, mosquito infested site in a place now known as Virgina.

That means today is the 406th anniversary of the Jamestown colonists’ “what now?” moment, in which a feeling of reality-based dread that eventually settles over many jubilant proceedings – a reaction also known as buyer’s remorse.

Jamestown

Not that they had actually purchased anything. The native people who were already in the area apparently weren’t using the Jamestown site because they recognized it wasn’t good for agriculture. But the natives could be wheedled and cajoled into handing over supplies. Things changed when the needy visitors proved unable to care for themselves and became even more demanding of support in this harsh new environment.

That’s not a way to win friends and influence people.

In the ensuing years, most of the colonists died from sickness and starvation. Their replacements resorted to cannibalism, documented in firsthand accounts from long ago and recently confirmed by archeologists who dug up the skeleton of a 14 year old girl. She had apparently died, been buried, exhumed, and finally had her brains scooped out for sustenance.

Ugh.

Never underestimate the power of hunger to make you do bad things.

It is easy at this distance to look down on the unprepared-for-survival people of Jamestown, and to tut-tut over the failure of their leaders. But with only a moment’s reflection I realized that I am in no way qualified to provide useful guidance in several key areas:

  • The growing and harvesting of food.
  • The killing and butchering of wild animals.
  • The construction of buildings that could withstand more than a light breeze.

Were they clueless and lazy? I suppose. But given the chance to provide survival tips, I could only show the people of Jamestown a couple of things.

  • How to surf the Internet.
  • How to sit in front of the TV.
  • (Internet and TV not included).

Not only are these totally useless skills, they do absolutely nothing to support healthy brain development. Which means I wouldn’t even come in handy at suppertime.

Dropped into the wilderness, how would you survive?

History Faker

Today’s post comes from the Honorable Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly thinks it's OK for buoys to be joined together.
Beechly thinks it’s OK for buoys to be joined together.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m sending this special message so I can go on the record as being in favor of it all along before Governor Dayton signs the same sex marriage bill into law later today.

Many have accused me of being evasive or downright wishy-washy on the marriage rights issue, claiming I have split words while trying to stay acceptable to people on both sides of the debate at a time when decisiveness and leadership were sorely needed.

I don’t know what those people are talking about.

I, for one, have always striven for transparency on this question – and I believe I have been as clear as the water on beautiful Lake Opaque when it comes to same-sex marriage.

Here’s a section from my formal position paper on the issue, released almost exactly one year ago:

Most of the living creatures in my district are, as you know, fish. Walleye don’t get married, and don’t seem to want to get married. Frankly, I don’t think they even know who the fathers or mothers are of all the fish they produce – it’s really wanton and free under the lake surface with all the things they do. Fish sexual identity is just so variable, I don’t think any one set of rules can apply down there. And by “down there” I mean underwater. AND I also mean “down there.”

So I am going to declare myself to be predominantly aquatic on issues of affectional relationships.

Some will say that identifies me as a free thinker. Others will say I am endorsing natural law. But one thing I know – there are fish in the Bible, lots of them. Mostly they’re just being pulled out of the water and eaten by disciples and such, but I assure you that what they’re doing under the surface today they were also doing back then, so my position is kind of scriptural, if you need it to have that sort of connection.

Many of my political opponents called that a “fishy” position, or suggested that I was “all wet,” which simply proves that they are lazy critics. Anyone who declares himself aquatic on the sexuality question is fishy by definition.

And “all wet”? What could be better? My district is nothing but lakes, rivers and swamps. So I won’t run from it. I can’t! Especially those wetlands in springtime. When your boots start to take on mud and water, there’s no question – you’re not going anywhere.

The mind of the voting public is changing, and any politician who refuses to respond to that will soon be left lying on the dock, gasping and wheezing and flopping around helplessly, waiting to be picked up by a dog or kicked into the weeds or taken home and thrown in a tank by some kid who doesn’t care anything about fish and will cry for about 10 seconds when the inevitable belly-up situation develops.

No thanks.

I’m pretty sure I was in favor of this all along, so today comes as a moment of vindication. We win?

Sincerely,
Your Congressman and fishing buddy,

Loomis Beechly

How do you handle a slippery fish?

Gas Scare

Take a deep breath. There’s more carbon dioxide in our air than ever before. Enjoy!

The colorless, odorless, heat-trapping gas was tracked in samples taken at Hawaii’s Mauna Loa Observatory to be over the 400 parts per million level for an entire day – a dreaded milestone passed in an increasingly rapid march towards melting polar ice, higher ocean levels, and global climate change. Much of it is traceable to our compulsion to free carbon from storage and burn it for our own prosperity and enjoyment.

Here’s a song about it from New York Times blogger Andrew Revkin.

Despite the songs and charts that try to call attention to it, climate change does not seem to capture the popular imagination as easily as space alien invasion, random street crime, gender identity confusion and the government taking guns away from law abiding citizens. This is inexcusable in a country that is so skilled at scaring itself.

I went to see Hitchcock’s The Birds at a movie theater last week.

Now there was a guy who knew how to sound an alarm. If we were able to perceive the increase of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere in the same way Tippi Hedren saw the accumulation of crows on that jungle gym, maybe we could drum up a little more urgency on the issue.

What scares you?

Lo, A Rose

Imagine you’re a long, long way from home.

This government job you have takes you on the road pretty much 365 days a year. It seems there’s no plan to bring you back .. ever! That would be a deal-breaker for many.

“You can work me to the edge of exhaustion,” you imagine yourself telling your overlords, “but don’t keep me at the office on Mother’s Day.”

Unfortunately, the Cassini Spacecraft doesn’t have the option of making such a demand because “the office” is a vast airless vacuum all around the giant planet Saturn. And Mother’s Day? Not a big observance for machines that are not born as much as they are imagined, designed and assembled by teams of engineers.

Still, I’d like to think that even a bag of bolts can feel wistful, so it seems fitting that our lonely wanderer Cassini found and beamed back this lovely rose – beautiful to look at but maybe not so wonderful to experience first hand.

Saturn_Rose

This lovely flower swirling around the North Pole of Saturn is 1,200 miles across. Forget for a moment that the deep crimson folds could be traveling at 330 miles per hour. A pretty thing is still a pretty thing, even if touching it would peel the skin off you.

Still, picture the excitement of two space scientists as they spotted this one in the viewfinder! Particularly if it was around Christmas and they were in the habit of conversing only to the tune of “Lo, How a Rose Ere Blooming.”

It could happen!

!) Lo, there’s a Rose on Saturn.
At least it looks like one to me!
That clearly is the pattern.
What other flower could it be?
That’s no geranium!
It needs some fertilizer.
For it is … so far from the sun.

2) Let’s not begin debating
whether Saturn has a rose.
You are hallucinating.
This much everybody knows –
A flower can’t survive
in space’s icy regions
where nothing remains alive.

3) What fragrance has this blossom,
So bright and beautiful and fair?
From here it looks so awesome!
Vibrant and fresh, though without air!
It decorates the sky.
The gentle Rose of Saturn
As seen through Cassini’s eye.

When have you seen something that wasn’t really there?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Ann_Landers baboon 2

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m a very well-known actor who, for good reason, is adored. I aways play the hero. My legions of fans worship me for my great good looks, admire me for my superlative storytelling skill and love me for my homespun decency and my everyman personality.

Years ago, a lousy agent I had told me to draw the line at SEEMING approachable. If I let people ACTUALLY get close, she said, they would soon learn that I am a self-absorbed, small-minded husk of a human being who is incapable of empathy and doomed to wander the Earth searching for my own reflection in every fetid pool.

I fired her of course. No one can talk to ME that way!

But now a video has surfaced on the internet that clearly shows me insulting and pushing a very old woman who got in my way at a custard stand. She was dithering over what type of sprinkles to get on the cones she was buying for her grandchildren. The children weren’t even nearby – they were cowering on the other side of the room! I asked her to hurry up and she just stood there, squinting at the choices like she couldn’t see them. I used a louder voice and a more urgent tone and she did nothing – acting like she couldn’t hear, either. So I shoved her out of the way and placed my order. When she complained I said “Do you know who I am? You’re about to find out!”

Boy did she ever! Our video spread like dandelions on steroids and now our names are linked in headlines that are splashed across every handheld device in America. She’s known everywhere as a victim who showed uncommon grace under pressure, and of course I’m already famous for being awesome!

Friends tell me I should apologize to her for being a rude bully but I think she should thank me. I made her a star! The blogs say I’ve been exposed as a socially stunted fraud but I think I was just putting a shine on my “everyman” credentials. Most folks feel impatient when they’re stuck in line behind a slow old person. People will realize this if they examine their feelings honestly. I just let my very ordinary reaction leak out – an unusual (for me) lapse. There’s no way I’m “insensitive.”

And besides, those children didn’t need to have dessert. They’re fat!

With Characteristic Sincerity,
America’s Favorite Famous Actor Boy, Loved Everywhere

I told A.F.F.A.B.L.E. he needs to re-assess his imagined status as America’s Mr. Sweetchunks. The public is fickle and it relishes making a quick turn against anyone with privilege caught taking himself too seriously. A fawning apology, followed by major acts of contrition and a sizable donation to a deserving charity might start to undo the damage, but the road to redemption is long and rocky.

Or, he could just specialize in playing villains from here on out.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?