Category Archives: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Hobby Farm

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Today’s post comes from disgraced former journalist Bud Buck.

People often ask me to explain how, as a one-time newsboy poster child and respected radio anchor, I became a disgraced former journalist. I always tell them if they’ll simply sweeten my palm with a $20, the story is theirs. Sometimes it works.

Newsboy

The short version is this – it became so difficult to manage all the true information that was in the world, as a self defense mechanism I started to make things up. It worked for a while and I began to see my job as a form of self-expression. It didn’t hurt to lie so much when I remembered that it really was all about me!

And now the rickety tower that was once the institution of American journalism is approaching total collapse with word that a famous newspaper with a storied tradition will be purchased by a very rich guy who needs a new toy to play with. And yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. That’s how dead good writing is! Deal with it!

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, bought the Washington Post for 250 million dollars. It’s not a takeover by Amazon because Bezos, one of the world’s wealthiest men, is buying it as an individual.

And yes, he got free shipping!

Bezos is famous for focusing on “the customer experience.” I can only guess that his experience as a Washington Post buyer was satisfactory, though I guess I’ll have to wait for the customer review to be certain. But one thing you won’t have to wait for is the pundit review. People who write opinions for a living have fallen on this story like a family of bears on the last picnic basket in the woods. They are tearing it apart because it features all the things they love – journalism, money, and … well, that’s about it.

My opinion hardly matters in all this, except to me. And that’s the point! This is the next logical step in the total disintegration of communications. Every person is now his or her own media empire. I suspect Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post because he didn’t have time to start his own blog. Look for someone richer to step up soon to buy The New York Times, and someone wealthier still to snap up CBS, NBC and finally Trail Baboon. Then it’s a total free-for-all!

Someday soon, when every news source is a vanity project beholden to a single personality, we will all be so busy filtering and interpreting information we won’t have time to actually know anything. And when that day comes, I won’t waste your time with an “I told you so.”

Instead, I’ll say “Welcome to my world.”

This is Bud Buck!

Who do you trust?

Uncategorized

Deep In The Weeds

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Speaking of working steadily at a task that feels endless (as we were yesterday), I have been slowly making my way around the yard hand-weeding some planting beds that have been allowed to go to seed.

The original plan was to keep these areas heavily mulched and carefully tended to provide some space where flowers, ornamental grasses, trees and bushes could thrive. And at first, that’s how it worked. But over time the mulch dissolved (as expected) and while I was looking the other way, the beds have filled in with misshapen, spiky intruders from Mars.

I could go after the invaders with a noxious chemical cocktail, but that’s a solution for cowards. I need to confront the weeds personally, face to frond. Besides, there is always a risk that any foliage killer I spray on unwanted greenery will drift off and murder the more upstanding flora I’m trying to protect. I suppose it’s like keeping a loaded gun in the house. With very little effort you can do more damage than the threat you armed yourself against at the beginning.

These photos show you the scope of the task.

Backyard Vengeance Tour – the results

My approach is simple and brutal. I drop to my knees and claw at the Earth with a three pronged hook held in my right hand. As the soil is loosened I grab the weed with my left hand and toss it into a bucket. Then repeat, repeat, repeat. If it sounds “old school”, you’re right. This is basically the technique our prehistoric ancestors used to spiff things up around the entrances to their caves. I flung myself at the problem for several hours straight on Saturday, all the while wondering what possible good could come of it.

In the sandy areas, scurrying ants reproached me for destroying their cities. I tried to explain that I was down here with them because I was withholding my support from Monsanto, but the ants were too busy running in panic to pay me much mind.

I continued to dig. After an hour, I found it very difficult to stand up straight. After two hours, I had a sense that if I suddenly keeled over, the weeds could reclaim everything before I was cold.
Weeding must be the opposite of teaching. You can see immediate results, but you can be pretty certain your work will have absolutely no effect at all on the future.

To which pointless chore have you given too much of your time?

Uncategorized

1,000 Bottles of Beer

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This is post number 1,000 on Trail Baboon, all written by me or as guest entries by various baboons.

I’m exhausted, and proud. The total overall number is a convenient landmark because all I have to do is count the guest posts to know that TB is an amazing 16.4% reader-written.

beerwall

That’s better than the New York Times, by far.

It didn’t seem very long ago that we observed reaching the landmark of post number 500. That was an achievement, but this is better. I would almost say it’s exactly twice as good.

And so through stubbornness, determination, or simply as a result of habitual behavior and lacking the creativity to do anything different, we have moved into 4-digit territory, post-wise. And one of the things that sets blogging apart from books or a pile of paper newspapers is that all the writing we’ve done remains online for people to stumble across as if it had just appeared – fresh and new to each set of eyes that beholds it for the first time as long as they don’t look at the date or read any of the obsolete references included in the text.

That’s a form of immortality, isn’t it? Or longevity, at least?

And taken together, one could argue that we’ve collaborated to write a very long book that is “scattered and unfocused in subject and style, featuring a variety of occasionally compelling and sometimes incomplete characters drawn with varying degrees of skill.”

I put that line in quotes because I’m pretty sure someone’s actual book has been reviewed that way.

If you measure success in terms of readership, as opposed to simply counting raw numbers of posts, you would have to say Trail Baboon is consistent but certainly not growing.
Here’s a screen shot of our monthly readership statistics since January, 2011. We appear to get between 60 and 90 visitors a day, with each reader refreshing the page 4 to 7 times.
That adds up and it starts to look like a lot when you view it on a monthly basis, but in truth our community is rather small. But loyal!

Remarkably, our total numbers for the month of July 2011 and July 2013 were almost exactly the same though two years apart – 13,096 vs. 13,094.

Screen Shot 2013-08-03 at 8.47.16 AM

At any rate, congratulations, Baboons. Our achievement puts me in mind of a classic anthem sung by high-achievers throughout time:

One Thousand Bottles of Beer On The Wall,
One Thousand Bottles of Beer!
Take One Down, Pass it Around.
Nine Hundred Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on The Wall.

Nine Hundred Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,
Nine Hundred Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer!
Take one down …

How do you pace yourself to reach a distant goal?

Uncategorized

A Sense of Achievement

34 Comments

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

beechly-speech

Greetings Constituents!

As your elected Representative, I wanted to take a moment before my Summer Break begins to thank each one of you for the calls you’ve made and the mail you’ve ee’d about the work of our 113th Congress! I agree with all of you on everything you said, and every single concern you expressed is my number one priority! And I know that many of my colleagues in the House feel exactly the same way about all their constituents too.

In the end, politics is pretty simple. We just want to be loved. And how do you show someone you love them? You listen, and do what you’re told, of course!

I’m not using that as an excuse, but it does help explain why we in Congress are currently having a hard time getting things done. Face it – you’re confusing!

I’m not saying it’s your fault, because that would get me in even more trouble. But maybe you should look at this in a different way. Right now, with multi-tasking being All The Rage, we have to ask ourselves if we in Congress are setting a good example for the busy people of this great nation.

So many Americans are trying to squeeze more productivity out of each and every minute, you can’t blame them for feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated! There is simply too much to do, and no one is speaking against the urge to do even more. Why? Because no one has that kind of time! And as long as productivity stays high, there’s no reason for employers to even consider hiring the laid-off millions who are exhausting themselves daily in a fruitless search for work.

That’s where we, your elected Representatives, come to the rescue.

As leaders, our task right now is to lead the American workforce towards acceptance of a bigger and better standard of idleness. We are aggressively doing nothing in excellent style while eating great food and wearing nice clothes. And we’re doing it for an unselfish reason – to show you what real recreational non-productivity looks like. When I’m home in my district, I model this by fishing all day. Here in Washington, I have to show it by talking endlessly about nothing in particular and reaching no compromises of any kind. It’s like fishing, but without the catch. I just release, constantly.

Only by doing this can I make it safe for you to begin to relax and to stop multi-tasking. Because no matter how lazy and worthless you become, you can be certain that your existence is still not as pointless as that of your Congressman.

So the next time some sourpuss points out that the House has accomplished practically nothing this session, I hope you’ll do what I would do – respond with a smile, a nod, a word of gratitude, and a nap.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

How productive are you?

Uncategorized

Lousy Little Leaker

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Although I never quite made it to the Bradley Manning level, I’ve been a leaker most of my life for all the wrong reasons. It’s not that I believe in truth or justice or transparency – I just want a little attention. That’s why, one night at the dinner table when I was eleven years old, I cagily revealed to my older brother that he was going to find a Matchbox Car in his birthday haul the next day, but I was not going to tell him which one in the set he was going to receive.

Jaguar

This, I thought, would give me supreme power over him.

Naturally, my mother was outraged that I had betrayed her confidence. I was sent to my room immediately, forced to skip desert.

At the time, I didn’t quite understand the outrage. We each had accumulated a ton of the tiny metal cars, so getting another one was not that big a deal. Which model though? That was the key (as any collector would understand), and I was keeping that significant detail to myself. He would be tormented to have to spend the night knowing there was a new vehicle in his stable and wondering which one it was, praying and hoping it would be the Jaguar XKE when I knew full well it was the Ford Galaxie Police Cruiser. Not only would he spend the night in agony, his morning would be poisoned by disappointment.

Police_cruiser

No actual harm done. What’s the problem?

But in my mother’s mind, I had spoiled her surprise, and I played Edward Snowden to her Lindsey Graham. If she’d had access to the worst gateway lounge in a Russian airport, she would have marooned me there forever, or at least until I apologized to everyone in our family minus the dog.

Which was odd, considering that a few months later the dog was the one who would eventually wind up with that Matchbox Car firmly in his mouth – an unsatisfying substitute for a bone on a dreary, nothing-happening day.

When have you spilled a big secret?

Uncategorized

Needy Pet

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden, still of Wendell Wilkie High School.

Hey Mr. C,

My summer has been really awful because I still don’t have a real job and all the rain we had in the spring led to a huge crop of mosquitoes AND weeds, and since I’m not doing anything during the day anyway my mom told me I have to go clean out the garden while she’s at work.

Bummer. I’m getting chewed to bits!

I complained to my dad but he said I should take the energy I put into whining and use it to do something productive, even if I don’t get paid for it. When I said “Like What?” he surprised me by saying “Like starting a blog!”

I didn’t even know he knew what a blog was! But since he said I should do it I’m starting to think maybe he’s got a point. I mean, how hard could it be? All you do is sit down and write down the thoughts that come into your head, right? I mean, it doesn’t have to be good or planned out in any way – it’s just a blog. But if you’re an undiscovered genius (like me) then maybe a gazillion people will start to read it and comment on it, and then you’ll become a superstar and a millionaire and you’ve got it made because as a blogger you don’t have to learn anything at all, ever! You just have to spend a little time in front of a screen every day being you … which is really the only thing I’m good at, anyway.

So the more I thought about it, the more excited I got about my own blog. In fact, I got so excited I actually went to look at YOUR blog, and wow, was I surprised!

Even though it takes no effort at all to write a blog, you’ve set it up so you do less than nothing! And Mr. Boozenporn said that less than nothing is an impossible value that one day he subbed for Ms. Pye in math class. He stuck to that story until Destiny Carmichael pointed out that there are negative numbers, which is something he forgot about.

Anyway, it’s so cool that you have other people writing it for you! And based on what I picked up from reading what Anna, Jim, tim, Renee, Jacque, Steve, Joanne, Sherrilee, Barbara, Edith and Donna were saying, you didn’t pay them a thing. Which is really too bad, because they’re good writers!

How do you get away with that? Isn’t it illegal? And isn’t it wrong to have your name up there on the masthead saying “… by Dale Connelly” when it really isn’t by you at all and you don’t even tell people who the real author is until the very first line after they open the post and look at it? I’d be kind of ashamed, and you know I’m hard to embarrass! I’m thinking that makes you kind of lazy, and unethical, which is really exciting because that’s just what my dad called me when I got caught cheating on homework last year, which just proves that blogging is perfect for me! I can’t wait to get started!

Just one question. Is there a limit on the number of exclamation points you get to use? I hope not!

Your pal,
Bubby

goldfish

I told Bubby there is nothing unethical about letting other people contribute posts for a blog, and there is also nothing to the popular myth that anybody can get rich and famous by writing one. Less than nothing, actually. I’m convinced the blog millionaires you read about are invented characters. Truth telling is not a very strong online value. In reality, having a blog is an obligation – like having a dog or a cat. You can get other people to take care of it every now and then, but regardless of who is doing the chores it needs attention every day. Or every other day, if it’s more like a hamster or a rat. And maybe every third day if it’s a goldfish. But if you’re less attentive than that, don’t be surprised if one day you go to write something for your blog and you find it floating upside down.

Write an apology to a pet you neglected.

Uncategorized

The Twinkie Conundrum

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Just when you thought you had adjusted to life without Twinkies, they’re back!

ENTERTAINMENT FOOD FUN JUNK SWEET CYLINDRICAL ELONGATED BAKED GOOD KIDS

And what’s more, they no longer come with the simple sugar = pleasure / fat = punishment choice you had to make in the old days. Now each Twinkies-related decision will be a statement revealing your personal theory about management, bankruptcy, and the role of organized labor in today’s economy.

Hostess went out of business after a labor dispute with the people who made the snack cakes. It was a management decision to scuttle the company rather than give in to what corporate leaders saw as unreasonable demands by an organized workforce.

This brought out harsh criticism from union-bashers. One tweeting critic decried the fact that bakery workers who had been making the Twinkies had pensions. How sweet would a lavish retirement be, knowing you got there by pushing creme filling into spongy cake for 45 years?

But never fear that buying your next Twink will cushion the twilight years of an undeserving wastrel. After going through bankruptcy, the Hostess brands were sold to a new owner, and presto! The new company has no labor union to deal with and Twinkies are already tantalizing the snack-loving shoppers at Wal-Mart.

What will come of this? The whole snack cake ethos was about happiness – thus goofy names like Ho-Ho’s and Ding Dongs. Will you now have to cross a picket line to buy a Zinger?

And union members aren’t the only ones who are bound to be sore. What about the hoarders who spent recklessly to stockpile huge backlogs in advance of the Twinkie apocalypse? Is there still a chance for their dream of using packaged desserts as currency, or have they been viciously undercut? Or will it turn out that their Strategic Snack Cake Reserves will prove to be our only source of genuine, un-tarnished Twinkies, now and forever?

I’m afraid all the potent political and economic issues swirling around the new Twinkies will make it impossible for me to eat one without getting a stomachache. Unlike the old days, when I didn’t get a stomachache until I opened the fifth package.

What food are you unable to eat?

Uncategorized

Most Likely To Exceed

65 Comments

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida, home of the Sherpa – the SUV that’s so large, it has its own gravity.

The Car Is A Butte
The Car Is A Butte

This is a great day to buy a Sherpa from Wally’s Intimida! Did I say great? I meant PERFECT!

But then I say that about every day. Too bad some people just don’t get it. Most people, actually. But the day will come when you will feel sorry that you didn’t buy a Sherpa when it was possible.

This car is mammoth. It can be seen from space. Not only does the Sherpa have its own gravity – it leaves a giant footprint. Park the Sherpa outside your house and it will begin to re-shape the landscape by changing wind and weather patterns. Set the parking brake and leave it for a million years, and you’ll have a butte in your back yard – guaranteed.

But one thing the Sherpa can’t do is make the list of the Most Frequently Stolen Cars in America. That top honor goes to the Ford F-250 four-wheel-drive crew cab. The Chevrolet Silverado came in second. The top ten targets of theft were all large or Very large pickup trucks or SUVs.

So why didn’t the Sherpa make the list?

Simple.

Thieves don’t know they can steal it because it registers as part of the landscape. It exceeds their expectations of what a car can be, and they simply cannot imagine themselves behind the wheel of something so gigantic. They can’t understand that it even has a wheel – the car looks like foothills to the uneducated observer.

And this mind-numbing-through-size happens to miscreants who regularly steal Ford F-250s. That’s got to tell you something!

Today is the day to get your own Sherpa from Wally’s Intimida. Bring it home and leave it unlocked. The car simply is too awesome for the criminal mind to comprehend.

I’ll see You In The Showroom,
Wally

I suppose on one level, having your product become the car-most-stolen IS a sign of success, since covetousness is what automobile marketing is all about.

What item would you steal if that was the only way to get it?

Uncategorized

The Thing With A Tail

55 Comments

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C,

Wow, I just looked up from this game I’m playing with my buddy Pete and I see that the Fourth of July already happened. That’s awesome!

Things sure do happen fast when you get to be old. I remember when I was in middle school, time moved so slow – it seemed like everything took forever! Now I only feel like that whenever my dad is talking.

Like yesterday, when he decided to explain to me how scientists discovered that our solar system has a tail. And the way he said it was like it was really important news that should matter to everybody, even though whether or not anything has a tail is a totally meaningless unless you’re talking about a super-fast animal like a cheetah or something, because they can use their tails to keep their balance so they can run as fast of rockets when they’re trying to catch you and eat you for dinner and you have absolutely no chance of getting away.

Cheetah_chase

I’m not so sure it would be different if they didn’t have tails, but you can always hope.

Anyway, the fact that there’s a tail on the solar system is something I didn’t really care about at all, but we cut a deal that if I watched this video from NASA and then talked about it with a friend for at least five minutes, I wouldn’t have to mow the lawn this time.

He’s always trying to get me to do stuff like that.

So I said yes and watched the video and yawned all the way through it to show him I was really Not Into It, even though the thing was pretty well done and kind of interesting.

So after watching the video I called Pete (dad made me) so I could tell him what I learned, but instead I asked him which animals are cooler, the ones with tails or the ones without. He said the ones with tails are cool because that includes Lions, tigers, kangaroos and dogs, but I said the ones without tails are better because then we’re talking about octopuses, spiders, slugs and bears.

But Pete said bears do have tails, and I said no they don’t – prove it, and then we got into this huge argument.

So my dad made me hang up and told me I had to write about it instead, which is why you’re getting this letter. So there it is. The solar system has a tail. Amazing.

And now I don’t have to mow, which is awesome. I still feel like I got away with something. Kind of like outrunning a cheetah!

Your pal,
Bubby

Which animals are cooler – those with tails or those without?

Science, Uncategorized

Blogger Heads

84 Comments

I have to admit there are days when I wonder why continue to write six blog entries a week. There have been days when I’ve thought if not for the regular attendance of a troupe of dedicated Baboons, there would be little reason to keep the thread going.

cerebral_lobes (1)

Until now, that is.

A new neurological study indicates that keeping a brain active is one way to significantly impede the progress of dementia. Published in the scientific journal Neurology, this investigation found that a group of people who read regularly and were in the habit of writing letters had fewer of the physical changes (lesions, brain plaques, tangles) that go along with dementia.

And yes, they had to wait until the people the were studying had died. Then they took out their brains and examined them. Ugh. I wonder how it effects longevity to know that when you die they’re going to cut open your skull and put your brain in a jar? For me, that would be a huge incentive to stay alive.

Maybe I could get funding to study that.

Anyway, in the articles I saw on this topic, reading and writing were the only specific brain activities mentioned that could slow the advance of dementia, although the brain is such a multi-purpose instrument I’m sure there must be other ways to keep it “active”. Doing long division, for example. Or playing the piano or learning another language. How about rebuilding carburetors or memorizing state capitals? Suppose all you do is watch TV. Even trying to understand the activities of the Kardashians has to demand some neurological wattage. I would think knowing the names of all the current reality-TV stars is a remarkable achievement in the field of memory. At least I know it’s a mental workout I wouldn’t be able to do.

I’d be OK if reading and writing were the only sure things, brain-freshening-wise. I’m fortunate that I happen to like doing both, and blogging six days a week gives me a well regulated daily dose of each of these medicinal activities. Perhaps I should claim blogging-related expenses as physical therapy to prevent the build up of various bits of clutter and debris that can disable brains.

And maybe I should charge guest bloggers a surprisingly hefty fee for partaking of this brain therapy along with me, just like a clinic or a hospital would. But I can’t – I’m too kind-hearted.

Plus, I’m planning to take a couple of weeks off and I need the help.

So if you have an idea for a guest post, please send me a note and let me know what you want to write. I’ll write back to confirm the assignment, and you’ll feel better instantly. The deadline for finished pieces is July 15th – one week from today.

Write to me at connelly.dale@gmail.com, and give your melon the workout it deserves. A post a day keeps dementia at bay!

Would you donate your dead body to science? Why or why not?

Until now,