Lights Out!

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey, Mr. C.,

I’m really pumped about some new research coming out of the University of Minnesota, which seems to confirm what I’ve been saying for years to the administrators at Wendell Wilkie High – it’s a waste of everybody’s time for the high school day to start at 7:30 am! Me and my friends cannot wake up that early in the morning. We’re just lurching around for at least the first two class periods of the day.

You know how zombies are always looking everywhere for brains because they don’t have any of their own? That’s us!

So now a bunch of high schools are finding a way to start as late as 8:30 or even 9 am, which would be awesome if we could get that at Wilkie. And it pays off!. Test scores are better, and more people are actually paying attention in class, which has the teachers all freaked out. Some of them haven’t been listened to by anybody in years.

At the start of second hour last Wednesday, me and Ashley found Ms. Hecubensen sitting at her desk, weeping. When we asked her what was wrong she said somebody had asked her a question in first hour, and it wasn’t about going to the bathroom. That had never happened before!  And then there we were, asking if she was all right, which just made her cry even more.

That got me thinking. One thing that could mess up the benefits of a later school starting time would be if students just got distracted by social media and stuff and stayed up extra late and came in exactly as tired as before, just one hour later.

So Ashley and me wrote some lullabies to keep that from happening. We used the tune of “Rock-a-Bye Baby” because it’s the only lullaby we know. And we did it during second hour because Ms. Hecubensen is our new favorite teacher.

Since we had that “real” moment together, we know she likes us too much to yell at us.

Rock-a-bye Freshmen, Twitter can wait.
Facebook will always have an update.
Turn off your laptop, lower your lids.
And stop your complaining, you little kids.

Rock-a-bye Sophomores. Texting must end.
None of those people are really your friend.
No one can bully you while you rest,
Your brain needs some sleep to prepare for that test!

Get some rest Juniors, because you can.
Now that you are such fine women and men.
Your sophistication runs very deep
And you can’t be awkward while you’re asleep.

Rock-a-bye Seniors. Lead lying down.
Dream of yourself in a cap and a gown.
Soon enough you will be looking for work
so rock-a-bye Seniors. Sleeping’s a perk.

When should the day begin?

Spooked Shopper Stopped Short

Today’s post comes from my favorite advice column. We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Gleeful Goods, the supermarket I frequent, has made great customer engagement its #1 goal, and they’ve even given their business name a tagline – “The Gladdest Grocery on Earth.” Normally I would be in favor of this because I think every business should strive for excellence when it comes to making guests feel welcome.

But each time I go to Gleeful’s they are so overly pleased to see me it’s starting to feel creepy.

The people who re-stock the produce bins pat me on the back with their oniony-smelling hands, the butchers at the meat counter salute me with bloody knives, and one of the check-out girls shrieks with delight every time I approach her lane.

I find this unsettling.

Plus, I know that every member of the staff is required to be enthusiastic about making connections with the customer, and having held a job for over 40 years I know how non-managerial people can secretly rebel against administrative directions through over-compliance, so I’m starting to wonder if their eerily intense interest in me is actually ironic. Or worse!

I don’t want to disappoint them by not showing up, but just the thought of going there gives me a bit of a stomachache. Although experts say you shouldn’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry, so my odd reaction to Gleeful’s over-the-top customer engagement effort is probably saving me some money.

Emotionally, it’s just getting too complicated to shop for food.

Dr. Babooner, should I change supermarkets, or take an antacid and stick to my routine?

Unsetteledly,
Shopped Out Of Luck

I told Shopped that because she is simultaneously put off by the thought that her supermarket friends care both too much and too little, I suspect she is looking for a place that has achieved a distinctly Midwestern flavor of attentive indifference. Such a perfect balance may be impossible to find near her home, so if she doesn’t feel comfortable, she should try changing stores.

I also told her she should write back to tell me how it goes, though I won’t hold my breath waiting to hear. That should be about right.

But that’s only one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Relationship watchers across the galaxy are deeply upset and universally disappointed over the unexpected break-up of asteroid P / 2013 R3.

“I’m devastated”, said Haley Stalker, a pop culture romance maven who got word via Twitter that there had been another major parting of ways.

“After TomKat and Bennifer split so suddenly I promised myself I was done following stars. “They’re so unstable! P / 2013 R3 wasn’t flashy, but solid as rock, or so I thought”.

Friends of P / 2013 R3 were equally nonplussed. Telesto, speaking for all the moons of Saturn, said “We’ve all seen comets dissolve and meteors just vaporize, but asteroids have always represented commitment and solidity. We thought P / 2013 R3 was literally set in stone.”

The dramatic dissolution was caught on camera by a paparazzi named Hubble S. Telescope, who has a history of taking photos that show heavenly bodies in a brutally realistic light.

We may never know why P / 2013 R3 couldn’t hold it together, but the pain of parting has been captured over and over again in songs like this one:

What are some of your favorite break-up songs?

Moving the Monkey Merchandise

Today’s guest post comes from Linda in St. Paul (West Side).

Working Valentine’s Day at a florist shop is one of those things that sounds more appealing in theory than it is in actual fact; like, I suppose, making pronto pups at the State Fair, or working the assembly line in the chocolate factory (just ask Lucy and Ethel about that one).

But into every working life a little novelty must fall from time to time, and this year mine was in the lanky form of a sock monkey.

In the days leading up to the Big Day, it’s call after call for basically the same thing:

dozen red roses with babies’ breath – card:love, John;
dozen red roses with babies’ breath – card: love, Tom.

So I was delighted to get a call from a father ordering flowers for his daughter at her dorm.

“Got any stuffed animals?” he asked.

The shop has a shelf of stuffed toys, mostly teddy bears and puppy dogs, with a few unusual things thrown in. In recent months there had been three monkeys on the shelf – two sock monkeys and a rather wild-looking simian with blue fur, possibly a distant cousin of Cookie Monster. I had been dying to sell one of those monkeys since before Christmas, without success. Probably just my overactive imagination, but I thought the monkeys’ expressions grew a little more downcast with each day that passed and left them still languishing on the shelf. So I jumped on my chance.

The customer, having let himself be talked into spending $20 on the monkey, didn’t have a lot of budget left to spend on the flowers, so I suggested one of the cheapest options the shop offers: a bud vase with two gerber daisies.

blogphoto

You understand, I don’t arrange flowers professionally, myself. The shop has two tiers of designers. The elite group, the artistes, work in the back room so they can spend less time dealing with customers and concentrate on executing their artistic vision. The others work at the counter ringing up purchases and managing smaller orders, like flowers in bud vases. They have smaller paychecks, but creative souls.

Pat was the designer in whose capable hands I put the sock monkey and the accompanying order. In minutes, the brilliant orange gerbers, greens and ribbon adorned a red bubble vase, with Mr. Sock Monkey on board – IMHO, the single most charming thing that left the shop that day.

The other worker bees at the counter gathered around Pat to admire it, so she fetched the other two monkeys off the toy shelf and made two similar arrangements to put in the display cooler in the store, just to shake things up a little. It made me smile to see the monkeys gazing placidly out the cooler window from their perches among all those oh-so-predictable roses. Perhaps there were other smiles, too.

By closing time, all the monkeys had sold.

What’s the best sales idea you’ve had?

Possibly As Qualified As Anyone

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Congressman Beechly's State of the Shanty Adddress
Congressman Beechly’s State of the Shanty Adddress

Greetings Constituents,

You may have noticed the 9th District is getting mentioned in the news lately but if you haven’t been paying close attention I want to assure you that nothing is probably wrong. That blurry film clip of a young man losing his footing and falling out of the frame could have been caused by anything, and the suggestion that I intended for it to happen is only that – guesswork.

But then that’s the news business for you – you don’t have to literally do anything to get talked about these days. There are any number of mysterious reasons why the press might turn its spotlight on you.

For instance, they keep the contender’s names secret for 50 years after the voting ends, so there’s no way to know for sure if I have or haven’t been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. But since it came out yesterday that Russian President Vladimir Putin is on this year’s list, I figure there’s hope for everyone – including me!

One of the greatest things about the NPP is that you don’t have to be a particularly peaceful person personally to win it – you only have to have done something to advance the cause. This is very encouraging for me because, as my staff will tell you, sometimes I can be rather short tempered! For example, I do admit to reacting passionately the other day when a junior aide failed to proofread my talking points and sent me out in front of the world’s press to denounce the Russian invasion of “Crimeany”.

Bryan, that wasn’t a “shove”. I was giving the reporters a physical demonstration of a valid defensive strategy against aggression. Actively and vigorously seeking arms-length distance from an unbalanced opponent is much more of a pacifist response than sending in unmarked troops or even bombs. The fact that you didn’t do anything to attack me doesn’t negate the usefulness of that relatively peaceful approach. And your concussion really says more about how unforgiving gravity can be rather than any kind of harsh attitude towards subordinates or overall lack of impulse control on my part.

And like I say, how you act on a personal level isn’t the point – winning the Nobel Peace Prize is all about the effect you have on the world. And to my knowledge I haven’t started any wars, which is something not everyone can say!

We won’t hear the name of this year’s winner for quite some time, but I’m content to wait knowing I have not been officially eliminated … yet. In the meantime, let’s keep the chatter down. Gossip is fun, but we have important work to do!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What promotes peace?

The Envelope Please …

Today’s post comes from Wendell Wilkie High School’s “forever sophomore”, Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

Last Friday Mr. Boozenporn told us to imagine that we have been voted “Student Of The Year,” and that we have to give a thank you speech. Then he said Monday morning he’ll open up an envelope and announce the name of just one winner, and that person will have to stand up and give their speech.

Mary Ellen Nugent wanted to know what would happen to all the other speeches written by people who didn’t win.

Mr. B-porn said “Those speeches will be forgotten. Only the winner’s speech will be heard, and then we’ll all give that person a grade on it.”

He said it’s normal for people who win prizes to get criticized by the non-winners, so we should learn to deal with it.

Then I said “What if you’re pretty sure you won’t get named Student of the Year. Do you still have to do the assignment?”

He said “If you’re pretty sure you’re a loser, you don’t have to do any of my assignments. Because losers don’t know how to be grateful anyway.”

So I said, “What good is gratitude if somebody assigns you to have it? Isn’t it supposed to come from the heart?”

Then Mr. B-porn told me to be quiet and do my reading, which I did, ungratefully.

I went ahead and wrote the speech because I don’t want anybody to think that I THINK I’m a loser. But I’m pretty sure I won’t have to give it. That’s why I’m sending it to you. I can tell from your blog that on a lot of days you just don’t know what to say. Maybe getting a bunch of words and sentences for free will help!

No need to say “thanks”. Some people just aren’t cut out for gratitude!

Hey everybody,

I can’t believe I’m Student of The Year! I didn’t plan to be a student, so I guess I have to thank my parents for pushing me. I would have stayed home and watched TV for my whole life, but they saw something in me and realized it was something they needed to get off their couch. So they had the bus come pick me up.

I know I wouldn’t have won without all those teachers who saw that I wasn’t paying attention in class and didn’t ignore it, like Mrs. Kostner who came and stood by my desk when I started to fall asleep and Ms. Thompson who made me come sit up in the front of the room when I was joking around with the guys and Mr. Zeligman who threw erasers at me when I was drawing cartoon characters in my math book.

They helped me see how far behind everybody else I was.

Which brings me to all my fellow students who let me copy their essays and copy their calculations and their research and their test answers. I did it as a compliment because I really want to be just like you, but without working as hard as you do. It’s a long list – but nobody said gratitude was easy so here goes!

First, for letting me copy her biology report on red squirrels … hey, could somebody tell the band to stop? I have this long list of names and … wow! Pretty much everyone is giving me a signal to stop talking. At least I think that’s what that gesture means. so – I guess have to stop talking. But really, everyone, thanks!

What’s the greatest speech you never gave?

Is There Cheese After Life?

Archaeologists have determined that a mummy entombed 3,600 years ago was adorned with lumps of cheese – apparently to give her something to enjoy in the next world.

I can see why this woman’s custodians wanted to send her packing with a few tasty morsels. What is there to look forward to in a bring-your-own-cheese afterlife? Not much, I would guess. Sounds pretty cheap.

What’s amazing is that the deceased person in question, the so-called “Beauty of Xiaohe”, is so well preserved after 3,600 years. The New York Times described the burial location as being in a “terrifying desert”. The name of the place, Taklamakan, is said to mean “go in and you won’t come out.”

I’d think anyone would be relieved to check out of such an arid wasteland. But something doesn’t seem right. Now that the Beauty of Xiaohe is closing in her fourth millennium of mummydom, why hasn’t she gotten around to eating her snacks? When I set out on a long trip, I pretty much empty the goodie bag in the first hour and wind up hitting every rest stop afterwards. To leave the fromage unmolested for so long shows admirable restraint, and qualifies The Beauty of * for a poem or a nursery rhyme of some sort.

Naturally I chose the one that ends with cheese.

In the original, which is (inexplicably) about a farmer trapped in a computer (a Dell), the verses gradually have his estate acquire a wife, a child, a nurse, a cow, a dog, a cat, a mouse, and finally, the only prize any dead person truly cares about – cheese. This one is only slightly different.

The mummy doesn’t smell
The mummy doesn’t smell
Heigh-ho the derry-oh,
The mummy doesn’t smell.

The mummy lost her life. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

Her life wasn’t mild.(2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

It could have been worse. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

We’re looking at her now. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

And we are all agog. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

She has no body fat. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

Her tomb is like a house. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

The house has some cheese. (2x)
Heigh-ho the derry-oh …

The oldest cheese we’ve known.
The oldest cheese we’ve known.
Heigh-ho the derry-oh,
The oldest cheese we’ve known!

What food would you want to be buried with?

Make Serious $$ In Your Pajamas!

Federal regulators have busted a work-from-home-scam that did not actually help anyone work from home.  The people who signed up received no gainful employment except perhaps the unpleasant job of trying to figure out where their money went.  This is the type of business you used to see touted on flyers stuck to telephone poles – back before the internet became a worldwide staple-ready blank space.

The notices usually said something like this:

Work Without Leaving Home!
Earn Unlimited Dollars In Your Pajamas!

This idea of making a living without having to leave the house has always carried a special allure for me because I am a natural introvert and a lifetime member of Persons Anonymous – a social support group for the low and no profiled.  We attract and retain members by having it as a defining article in our charter that we never actually meet.   But if we ever did get together, I’m certain the Persons Anonymous membership would discover that we, as a group, have been disappointed by “work from home” scams at a much higher rate than members of the general (sociable) population.   And chief among those disappointments would be the realization that “work from home” is not the same thing as “work alone” or “work without having to interact with other people”.  Some of these “work from home” scenarios involve making cold sales calls, or answering the phone, or dropping your pajamas on the floor and picking up your money on the dresser.

In fact, this past weekend’s arrests may confirm that the only way to truly make money in your pajamas is as a sleepwear model.   The sole requirement – that you look fetching in drawstring pants,  appealing in a terrycloth bathrobe and ravishing in adult onesies – an easy reach for Baboons, especially when they do your hair, apply the make up, and turn on the fans.

But of course you’d have to leave the house to go to the shoot.

Drat.

What business have you (or would you) run out of your home?

Ask Dr. Babooner

We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Last week, people at my office became very upset over figure skating.

My cubicle-mate started a petition demanding that the United Nations, NATO, Interpol, the Red Cross and the International Monetary Fund look into the judging of the Women’s Figure Skating final at the Olympics. I didn’t sign it because I could see how potentially dangerous all this talk might become.

On Friday morning I was proven right when the receptionist got into an argument with a visitor about technical versus artistic scoring protocols and she hurled a stapler at the guest. I don’t know all the details but a witness says the guy who made the unfortunate remark did three full rotations and a somersault while jumping out of the way, which impressed everyone even though he crashed into the water cooler, which cost some points.

After that, our office manager sent around a decree that figure skating talk is not safe for work. He warned that anyone caught violating this new policy would be dismissed.

I was relieved to hear it because I think figure skating on the Olympic level amounts to child abuse. Extremely young people are relentlessly driven to give up what we consider ordinary lives to strive for some unobtainable “perfect” ideal, and then are forced by stern coaches to perform under incredible stress for cheating judges in front of a voracious, unsympathetic media.

This, I argued, exposes young, still-developing brains to a level of pressure and instant judgment that goes well beyond the trials and tribulations of holding an adult job, which is something the 14 and 15 year-olds out there on the ice are not even allowed to do.

Of course my cube-mate told the office manager what I said and I was fired immediately for breaking the ice conversation rule even though I did get credit for the originality of my comments and the dress I was wearing that day, which had a few sequins and just the right number of ruffles to be expressive and flirty without crossing the line into trashiness.

Dr. Babooner, I’m not denying that I made a technical error – I knew the rules. I’m proud that I gave it everything I had and didn’t hold back. But I’m not sure I want to re-enter the job market again, knowing how arbitrary and heartbreaking it can be even when you are very nearly perfect in everything you do. Friends have suggested that I was mistreated and should sue for every penny I can get, but I’m hesitant.

Should I complain, or carry on?

Yours truly,
Harshly Judged

I told Harshly that people who complain about unfair dismissal are often justified and sometimes vindicated but they almost always get labeled as whiners. Rather than sue on an employment claim, I suggested that she return to the office as a visitor and while waiting, try saying something that will set off that unstable receptionist. It might sting a bit to let the stapler hit its mark, but an assault charge is more winnable than a job discrimination claim.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

(Don’t) Sit!

Today’s post comes from therapist, personal coach and mass communicator B. Marty Barry. He’s an online relationship manager, a bottomless well of wellness, and although he’s never met you, he cares about you very, very, very much.

Dear Reader,

I was thinking about you yesterday when word came from the experts that sitting too much is a serious problem for public health.

I know sitting has a bad reputation. And of course I’m concerned, because in my day-to-day work as a therapist, I sit quite a lot. My clients are in even worse shape – they’re completely horizontal for hours and hours while I listen to them talk about their problems and neuroses – many of which have to do with not getting enough exercise and a chronic fear of fitness! So when researchers start to criticize sitting, it’s hard not to feel singled out.

But I wonder if there’s isn’t something else behind this – a smoke screen of sorts. Because I can’t help noticing that the world is essentially run by people who make their livings in the sitting professions – lawyers, bankers, politicians, etc.

Who stands all day? Laborers, cashiers, school teachers, and the greeter at Wal-Mart. Even baby-sitters sit less than the people who make the decisions that shape our lives, and “sit” is in the name of their profession! I rest my case.

I’m not saying the sitting professionals have it easy. Can you imagine how many years a politician has to perch on a folding chair in meetings and hearings and conferences before he or she can have a shot at becoming president? No wonder they campaign by standing on “stumps”. They’re desperate to get their heads up where they might smell a fresh breeze every so often.

Sitting down is hard, but if you do it right, it pays.

So I say sit as much as you like. And parents, teach your children to sit as well. If your goal for them is to be trim, healthy, athletic and poor, then by all means disparage sedentary work and roust them out into the sunshine. But if you want them to have power and influence, get them started early sitting at a conference table or a dais, and teach them to make the kind of deals that guarantee they will come out ahead. Then someday they’ll have the money to hire a financially impoverished personal trainer who never learned to sit.

That’s not an order, just a helpful suggestion – offered here because although I’ve never met you, I care about you very, very, very much.

B. Marty Barry

How much time do you spend sitting?