My Brother, the Marine

I’m thinking of my brother today on Memorial Day.

He was a Marine.

The purpose of Memorial Day is to remember those who died while serving in the military – a noble and worthy holiday to honor those who sacrificed themselves for our country. Argue if you wish with the logic behind some of the wars where so much has been lost. Regardless, the people who died made an unselfish commitment to fight on our behalf, regardless of risk. It is right to honor that.

But not every member of armed forces who dies does so facing an enemy in battle. The military is a machine that runs on the energy of young men and women and their willingness to do dangerous things. And as a result, it chews people up in unexpected ways and for dumb reasons, or no reason at all. Planes and helicopters crash, ships collide, rifles misfire, minds snap and bad things happen. There is carnage on the front lines but also on the bases and on the training grounds. In every case it is heartbreaking and the price is steep. Payment is usually immediate, though sometimes it takes years.

My brother Lee is one of those who paid in installments.

Lee did not die while enlisted in the Corps, but his death and his service are intertwined and when I reflect on his passing I think of him as a military casualty even though he was a 57 and living alone in an apartment in Irvine California at the time – not in uniform, not on a military base and far from any battlefield.

His passing was the result of a Hepatitis C infection contracted over 35 years ago – a consequence of a transfusion of tainted blood from a time long before the more stringent donation screening of today. Hepatitis C remains hidden – there are no symptoms in the early and middle stages so he didn’t know he had it until decades after the transfusion.

Lee needed to receive large amounts of blood because he had been attacked by one of his fellow Marines – an angry brother-in-arms who felt he had been passed over for promotion.

Lee’s wounds were severe and he almost died in the hospital. He was stabbed in the stomach while hiding, using a phone to call for help. His assailant saw the phone cord winding under the desktop and lunged with his weapon. Why? It’s like so many violent things today – there is no logic. It certainly was not the kind of heroic face-off you see in the action films. My brother and those with him were only prepared to shoot with cameras. Help came too late for two Marines, who died on the scene. Three others were injured.

Man and Cat, at home
Man and Cat, at home

Oddly, Lee had transferred to the photo lab from a much more pressurized and risky assignment. He had been a Military Policeman, and had he remained one he would have been called on to respond to this attack. You might expect taking pictures to be a safe way to serve out a term in the Marines, but not in this case.

In the years that followed, my brother focused on his photography business and volunteering at the local animal shelter. He remained proud of his connection to The Corps, though he was reluctant to talk about the incident or his attacker.  Yet the disease he had picked up as a result of it was already inside, doing its work.

I believe his strategy in dealing with this calamity was simply not to dwell on it. You could ask about his health but my brother had perfected his shrug and he was not interested in examining his personal problems with you. Next subject?

Although his story is not going to make it into a war movie, I think of Lee on Memorial Day, and every day, as someone whose life was changed and ultimately lost because he made a choice to serve.

Who do you think of on Memorial Day?

Gloss – a – Rama

Today’s guest post comes from Barbara in Robbinsdale.

OK, Babooners, the now almost-annual addition to the Glossary of Accepted Terms is a bit overdue, as the last update was March 3, 2012. Here are some of the new terms we’ve come up with or accessed since then. I’ve left in the dates so you can see what prompted us to use some of these gems… As you can see, Baboons love word play.

Acacia Dentally – a tree of teeth, OR an alternative spelling by a creative Baboon of the adverb “accidentally”, brought about in reference to an ectopic post (see G.O.A.T.)
November 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Action-y – full of action, as in “If you want to see a movie at the theater, then just see one, since you want to feel action-y afterwards. If you see two, you will be too tired to be action-y.
November 9, 2012 at 9:31 am

All hat and no cattle – description of a person who is all talk and no substance; as in:
t: “maybe we could have tpaw become a north dakotan and wear boots and a gentlemans cowboy hat. chew a little copenhagen and visit the oil frackers. i think hed fit in no time.”
R: “People here would take one look and say ‘All hat and no cattle’
August 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

All y’all – Y’all is impervious to the normal rules of grammar… Y’all is plural, but “all y’all” comes in handy for emphasis in certain scenarios…                                                   
June 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Blogular verbosity – related to the frequency of a blogger’s comments, as in this comment from the Alpha Baboon, “Now that I’ve revealed the recent ranking, let me emphasize that there is no prize here for blogular verbosity .” (Dale) Also considered farther down on the page:
verbose blogularity
vorbose irblogularity
verbosious blogularium
verbo-a-blog d’baboon
April 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Cannardly ² – an alternate definition referring to diamonds or other gemstones that are so small you cannardly see them, i.e. “The center stone is so large that the ½ caret side stones look like cannardlies.”
September 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

chipmonks – a variation on the name of a familiar mammal, living at tim’s place, “that calls to mind the image of a bucktoothed friar.” May 22, 2012 at 8:08 am Chocolate covered raisins – bioflavinoids wrapped in decadence. March 12, 2012 at 8:41 am

Compassion fatigue – acquired PTSD for therapists from being around too many other people’s traumas
November 9, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Ethical polyhedron – the case that there are many points of view to consider, as in:
“one sees so many sides to an issue that it can be difficult to come down resolutely in one camp or another…there is ALWAYS another side–an ethical polyhedron, so to speak”
June 28, 2012 at 7:54 am

Glossarization – what happens to a post or reply when it is being prepared the Glossary of Accepted Terms, as in: “Thank you for the glossarization … One of the things I loooove about this group is the mutual joy in wordplay.”
March 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

Gludge – a combination of snow and slush or sludge that accumulates only in late April, when the last thing one wants to do is remove it when we should be seeing buds pop out on our trees and shrubbery. Ex: “16 inches of gludge at the bottom of my driveway from the plows this morning.”
April 19, 2013 at 10:05 am

Golden Banana – an award given here on the Trail to a Babooner for particularly distignuished writing or idea. It was started by the Baboon named Jacque, an award “given … by whim and whimsy for achievements above and beyond the Baboon Call of Duty. If I feel like it.”
June 10, 2012 at 10:49 am


Googleholic – a Baboon addicted to doing very frequent searches on Google.com, as in: “It isn’t 10:30 AM yet, and I have done at least 15. Makes me a Googleholic, maybe.”
March 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

Holy Goat! – an exclamation used to express bewilderment, surprise, or astonishment, but in a more goatly manner than, for instance, “Holy Cow” or “Holy Batman.”
December 10, 2012 at 9:01 am

Leucistic – an animal with a reduced pigmentation caused by a recessive gene…“Unlike albinism, it is caused by a reduction in all types of skin pigment (Wikipedia)”, as in: “There is a small population of leucistic squirrels in Waterville. They’re not albinos because their eyes are black. “
April 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

Lexiconolic – a Babooner addicted to doing very frequent use of a dictionary, as in: “10 times a day online; I’m a lexiconolic.”
March 3, 2012 at 6:58 am

Todoplegia – a form of paralysis triggered by too many items on a Baboon’s “To Do” list.
March 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

Truffle shuffle kerfuffle – Exemplified in the following Baboon conversation:
“I’m thinking that the next Blevins meeting could be a truffle exchange. Everybody bring a couple chocolate truffles and then we’d shuffle ‘em and eat ‘em…” (Steve)
“Then, if we got into a disagreement of how the truffles were to be allocated, we could have a truffle shuffle kerfuffle. (ba-dum-BUM)”
March 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

New Acronyms:

GLOTTMBD – Great Lists of Things That Must Be Done
May 23, 2012 at 7:20 am

LIFO – In inventory management, Last In First Out, as opposed to
FIFO (guess what that means). As in, “For Robin’s freezer contents to turn in a timely manner, she’d have to use FIFO.”
February 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

OPT – On Previous Topic
March 28, 2012 at 10:54 am

SWMBA – She Who Must Be Adored
May 23, 2012 at 8:59 am

TRoUBLE – Team Responding on Unusually Big Lighting Events:
“I spent the whole day trying to come up with the words to fit ‘TROUBLE’ because I want to be in charge of that. All I could get was the end: _ _ _ _ Been Lighting Events”… “Team Responding on Unusually Big Lighting Events (TRoUBLE) maybe??”
Feb 3, 2012

S.L.A.P.D.A.S.H. – Slobs Leaving A Permanent Document About Sloppy History: a club for concerned people who don’t want to erase our story with reckless overuse of soap.
April 11, 2013

STWSchuyler Tyler Wyler, Trail Baboon’s Rhyming Poet Laureate
April 12, 2013 at 10:27

What is your favorite word game?

Nuances of Taste

Today’s guest post comes from tim.

I like marilyn monroe.

marilyn the look

i watched a movie about her, well actually in my own adhd way i enjoyed a movie about her. got the gist of it and got back to my life in about 10-15 minutes and was able to plug in the theme of the movie, lawrance olivier was a great stage actor who wanted to be a great film star and marilyn was a great film star who wanted to be a great actor. it is said marilyn had a hard time getting it right but when she did every eye in the place was on her.

brad pitt is dumb as a rock.

robert redford chose brad pitt to be in a river ran through it and turned him into a star. i happened at the time to be listening to a books on tape story that had brad reading from his pre star days. he stumbled his way through the reading mispronouncing the hard words and doing that stammer when you see the word coming and you dont know how to pronounce it, then pushing forward in a way that results in a cadence that makes your voice do a herky jerky tempo that reminds me of a rumba line. a river ran through it was a beautiful movie, story, was beautiful cinematography it won critical acclaim but what it will go down as in my book is as the vehicle that launched brad pitt.

entertainers are allowed to be wonderful at what they are at and no one asks brad pitt to read anymore but he has a wonderful future as eye candy.

johnny depp may or may not be sharp. it doesnt matter because he is so creative.

jimmy stewart and tom hanks are the same person in different generations.

sophia loren, emmie lou harris and cher are incredible 70 somethings.

i like bob dylan, tom waits, andrea bocelli, ella fitzgerald, chet baker, willem de kooning ansel adams, art deco, raspberries, pinot grigio,pesto, mornig fog, a sultry voice, a cats purr, sunshine on my shoulders, ice cold water and i dont know why. marilyn sure was pretty, jimmy stewart is personable, who doesnt like sun on their back and isnt life great when we appreciate the simple gifts we have. no one ever looks at a mountain and says it is beautiful but the mineral deposits are not as strong as those in theurals, no one looks at a raspberry and says yeah it tastes good but it is lacking in terms of beta carotene.

we have a set of values in our head that says good or bad, pleasant or repulsive, i want it or get me outta here. i dont know where you got yours and i dont care where i came upon mine but you are not going to be able to talk me out of the things i like.

sometimes its simple. ice cold water on a hot day vs putrid eggs in an unopened garbage can. you know which you want and what to choose but what about all the other stuff we run into every day?

isnt it amazing others dont see the beauty and feel the attraction to the same things that call out to you?

how can pink martini not be the most popular music in the world?

how can there be any pistachio’s left?

why isnt there a radio station that just plays miles davis kind of blue 24/7?

What is taste?

Make Mine Pine

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, the company founder and produce manager at Genway – a supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

I’m delighted that scientists who have more time on their hands than I do were finally able to sequence the entire super-lengthy genome for the Norway Spruce.

I tried to do it a time or two, but the Norway Spruce DNA string was so long I lost interest before I got to the end, rather like reading Moby Dick.

There was a lot of repetition in the genome too. I guess that’s what used to pass for great writing.

It’s odd, because Norway Spruce might be my closest personality match in the world of trees. They can be so prickly! They’re also sappy and messy, just like I am. And of course we both smell great and people want to snuggle up near us and hang things off of us every December. That’s why I’ve always wanted to do something coniferous at Genway! And now that I can get at all the genetic inner workings and mess around, my mind is reeling!

Of course everyone else will use this wealth of new information to try to make a perfectly shaped and completely durable Christmas Tree. Ho hum! I’m much more interested in the subtle manipulations.

For example, by incorporating simple Idaho tuber DNA into a cocktail with the genetic code for creating pine needles, I can clearly envision a house in the woods surrounded by trees that shed the raw materials for making ultra-thin potato sticks. So what if dropping spud-needles get caught in the gutters? Spray the roof with oil and set it on fire! Those first responders deserve to arrive at a blaze one time that i also a tasty, crunchy treat – just remind them to bring the salt cannon!

And what about doing something with those Norway Spruce seed pods? Imagine how a nine year old’s head would explode if you told him Ice Cream Cones really DO grow on trees! Now THERE’S a Christmas gift!

There are non-grocery applications too! Those pine-shaped hang-from-the-mirror car deodorizers have never smelled like an evergreen to me. But now that we know the proper DNA sequence, we can fundamentally spruce up everything! The dashboard. The mirror itself. Even YOU could have a naturally coniferous personal scent! What would it be worth to you to be as perpetually fresh as mountain air?

And what about sports applications? I’m sure there are a number of NFL receivers who would like a genetic upgrade to have their football-dropping palms naturally ooze an ultra sticky sap.

Yes, I’m delighted that the secrets of this complicated tree, the Norway Spruce, have finally been unlocked. Look for a sudden surge of Evergreen products at Genway including Evergreen Grapes and Evergreen Gravy.

Yes, green gravy! Why? Because we can!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Larry Kyle.

I think Dr. Kyle’s enthusiasm is premature. I’m not sure that knowing anything about the Norway Spruce gene sequence will help us much in the long run. But if it makes him happy, what’s the harm?

Tell us a story involving you and a conifer.

State of Brains

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district, which comprises all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly promoting brains on the water.
Beechly promoting brains on the water.

Greetings Constituents,

I write to you regarding an issue of great importance. It has come to my attention that some leaders in Massachusetts are saying that theirs is the brain state.

Are we going to allow this?

There was a time when American states competed to see which one produced the most impressive looking crops or the largest number of sophisticated manufactured goods. This is what State Fairs used to be about. It was a way for the state to boast about its superior products and an exemplary way of life.

But things have changed. Increasingly, the spoils are going to those states that have the best brains. The markets don’t care how big our pumpkins are. They want to know what’s inside! And I think our great advantage over the rest of the world is that our melons are chock full of brains!

Actually, that’s a lie. There are smart people everywhere and one human head has about the same amount of brainage as the next. But until we convince ourselves that we’re unusually bright, we’re not going to seem smart to anyone else. School children are known to go out of the way to not appear too smart, for fear they’ll lose the popularity sweepstakes.

That’s why we have to talk up the quality of our noodles just like they were beef cows or zucchini.

Yes, I’m saying every Minnesotan should have a blue ribbon pinned to his or her skull as a sign of excellence.

Why? Because our brains are bigger, plumper, juicier, faster, longer-lasting and just plain better than the brains in every other state, bar none!

Some will loudly disagree. Others will silently disapprove because they know in their hearts that they are smarter than us. Constituents, that’s where we have them! People who think they’re superior to everyone around them also tend to look down on promoters and salesman. They think their excellence is self-evident and believe that everyone else will soon come to see it. Saying so out loud is tawdry, or so they think.

In the meantime, these geniuses pity anyone who toots his own horn.

That’s a mistake!

The sign of a truly intelligent person is that she knows no one will give her credit for anything unless she demands that they do it! So I’m surprised there aren’t more Minnesotans talking up the unique qualities of their brains! We should be ready, at the drop of a hat, to expound on the quality of our noggins. We should all be the Muhammad Ali of intellect. Float like a butterfly, sting like Apis mellifera!

Let’s get started today! I’m proud to say I’m a smart person living in a State of Brains, and I think you are too!

Your Exceptionally Bright Congressman,
Loomis Beechly.

What’s good about your brain?

Cultural Downshift

Today’s post comes from Wally, proprietor of Wally’s Intimida – Home of the Sherpa!

Whenever I’m feeling down, I look at the latest report from the US Public Interest Research Group to remind myself that there’s a lot further to fall. Yes, I could feel much, much worse. The US PIRG says young people today are doing less and less driving for a lot of different reasons including time and expense. Plus, when they were very little, their mothers and fathers drove them around everywhere they needed to go, inadvertently creating a a generation of lazy travelers who expect to be picked up and taken to their next destination.

In other words, public transit-loving leeches!

This doesn’t bode well for people like me who work in the automotive indulgence industry. Our audience is literally fading away. I have seen young people … young MEN … who are very conversant about bike racks but cannot get excited about a Corvette.

That’s just wrong.

We may be entering a time that will be remembered someday as the dark ages for the personal automobile.

Parked Behind a Small Rock
Parked Behind a Small Rock

But in the same way that Irish monks and scribes preserved western civilization by maintaining the culture through the transition from classic Rome to medieval Europe, so Sherpa drivers will allow our car culture to survive thousands of years into the future! It’s up to us to use and maintain the infrastructure. Otherwise our beautiful 8 lane freeways will become 2 car lane and 12 bike lane freeways. Perish the thought!

The Sherpa from Intimida does everything we need to keep our infrastructure in use and up-to-date. As the largest and heaviest passenger car ever made, it chews up the pavement at the same rate as 10 lesser cars. And no vehicle on Earth can match it for gas consumption. That’s great for America, because as our gas production increases (thanks, tracking!) the huge Sherpas of Intimida will be there to burn it!

And the taxes we pay will keep the roads in good repair. Sherpa ownership preserves a way of life, and supports Employment and Infrastructure.

And what about all that carbon dioxide in the air?

The Sherpa Woodsman edition comes complete with a old-growth forest that has been uprooted and surgically pre-planted in the cargo bay. That means your Sherpa is the only car on the road that both pumps CO2 into the air and consumes it at the same time!

Yes, young people think differently. Let them! It’s up to you to pass the consumptive culture that bred you on to some greedy future generation!

Come to Wally’s Intimida and take your proper place in history!

Your far-seeing dealer,
Wally

I told Wally that I’m not in the market for a new car, but in our own way, each of us represents something essential about the times in which we live. His eyes glazed over and I don’t think he heard a word I said after “I’m not in the market for a new car.”

In a Museum of the Future, which exhibit includes an image of you, and what are you doing?

Lone Winner Haiku

It appears there is just one winner in the stunningly huge Powerball drawing from Saturday night. Someone in Florida has to fess up that they are ready to be both the most envied and most reviled individual in America as everyone else’s jealousy and greed collide to focus on one person.

haiku-crane

How could anyone properly prepare for the Giant Paper Check Press Conference, where reporters pepper the winner with a litany of “what next” questions? The surprised and freshly minted tycoons are always so cheerful at this most public moment, but afterwards things tend to go off the rails as relatives clash for control of the windfall and an excessive amount of media scrutiny exposes a host of personal weaknesses.

It often ends badly.

What if the winner this time decides to start out with sadness and regret? Perhaps an acknowledgement of the enormous challenge involved in suddenly managing hundreds of millions of dollars would lead to a new level of understanding of the tremendous responsibility that wealth carries with it. People would see that being on the receiving end of such a mammoth cash deluge is really as much a cause for grief as joy. Sympathy would be the order of the day. Condolences would be offered. Sincerely.

Well, probably not, but my advice to the winners is the less said, the better. Keep your answers short, in the range of five syllables per answer. Or seven.

Yes, Haiku short.

I
Lottery winners
squander their fortunes quickly.
Mine will take some time.

II
No one needs so much.
Yes I am undeserving.
Just like you would be.

III
Smiling muscles ache.
It’s an exhausting pastime,
handing out money

IV
I will buy houses.
Relatives who don’t need them
still must be appeased.

V
This burdensome win
has made me melancholy.
What lucky numbers?

Write a press conference haiku for the Powerball Winner.

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Just this week I finally graduated from college. Yay for me!

Ann_Landers baboon 2 copy

I’ll never forget my feelings six years ago when I arrived on campus here at St. Capricious (Go Windsocks)!

I was all excited about becoming an English major and learning to write like F. Scott Fitzgerald. It was my goal to create books so complete and intricate and memorable, no one would ever be satisfied with a movie made from one of them. I thought I was doing all right until my finance professor pointed out that if movies could not be made from my books, I would be a starving unknown, forever.

So I switched to Finance with the goal of landing a job on Wall Street. My professor told me if I played my cards right, I could retire by forty. But then the recession hit and what with the investment bank bailout my dream of a career in Finance suddenly didn’t seem so noble.

So I switched to Social Work. Social workers are extremely decent people who work harder than corporate CEO’s for NO money at all, or close to it. They’re probably as close as you’ll get to Ghandi in the USA in 2013. I wanted to be just like them, and I felt great about it until I met some social workers who had become jaded. That was kind of disappointing, because there’s nothing sadder than an idealist who has lost her ideals. She’s got nothing left but an untethered IST. I didn’t want to be like that.

So decided to become a chemical engineer. In the process I found out that I love chemicals but I don’t care so much for math.

So I finally settled on communications, because no matter how bad everything gets, we’ll still need to talk to each other, right? I specialized in journalism, so for a class project I wrote an article about how experienced reporters are losing their jobs and having to work for half their previous salary, or for free.

So I switched to biology. Which was really interesting until I discovered how much it had to do with handling dead things. Ugh.

Anyway, by this time all the friends I’d made as a freshman had graduated and I was still not done.

I sat down with my academic counselor Jeremy, and we looked at all the degree-parts I had completed, and we decided with just another semester’s work I could design my own degree in Communobiological Chemfinancial Emotivity.

So that’s what I did, resisting the temptation to go into counseling because Jeremy is SO AWESOME.

Anyway, we just had our graduation and just before they gave me my diploma there was this commencement speaker – a really well-known singer songwriter. He was so cool and so … with it … I realized during his speech that I had wasted all those years. What I really wanted to do with my life was to write songs and play the guitar!

Dr. Babooner, I’m fresh out of college and depressed. I’ve just thrown away a ton of time and even more money to wind up at a place I really don’t want to be. I wish they had let me listen to my commencement speaker when I was a Freshman. It would have spared me a lot of grief.

Sincerely,
Robert Zimmerman (no, not that one). (at least I don’t THINK so).

I told Robert that it didn’t seem to me there was any actual profession that could spare him grief. His commitments are so tenuous, the only job description that would truly fit him is “rolling stone”. But that’s just one opinion.

What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

H. B., Taj Mahal

Today is the 71st birthday of the incomparable American musician Taj Mahal.

Henry St. Claire Fredericks was born in Harlem and raised in Springfield Massachusetts, but his world turned out to be much larger than that. The wide-ranging career he has had as Taj Mahal is clear evidence that there is much to be gained by indulging a curious mind – he’s an accomplished artist and a world music scholar. The skill he exhibits today is a testament to the many influences he has absorbed along the way.

Taj Mahal drew inspiration from his father’s record collection, his stepfather’s guitar, and his neighbor’s style, just to name three things that went into the mix.

He’s also a man of the Earth, having studied agriculture in the ’60’s. Apparently he has milked many, many cows, and is one of those people who could sustain himself off the land given the right tools and enough time.

Searching for a Taj Mahal live performance on You Tube, I found this gem, which was uploaded in 2008 but it’s actually a recording made in Bonn, Germany in March of 1995.

He’s 53, but must have been spending some time out in the field, wrestling more cows. Look at those arms!

Here’s a quote from Taj Mahal’s website:

“I didn’t want to fall into the trap of complacency. I wanted to keep pushing the musical ideas I had about jazz, music from Africa and the Caribbean. I wanted to explore the connections between different kinds of music.”

How do you avoid complacency?

Word Jumble

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden

Hey Mr. C.,

We’re just about to get out of school for another year and I can’t wait. Whenever May comes around I start to think about much fun summer is going to be and I kind of lose track of things, which is too bad because that’s exactly when we’re taking all those tests.

This year I was really sweating it in English class because Ms. Filbert-Nutt got this idea that we should all memorize the same poem – this thing by Robert Frost about a yellow brick road somewhere in the forest or something. I’m not too good at remembering things, probably because I’m kind of old, for a sophomore.

Anyway, she told us in September we’d have to learn it, and as soon as you felt ready to recite it you just had to tell her and she’d give you two minutes to do it in class. Alicia Bombardo did it the very next day, of course! I kept putting it off, and by the time March came around she started calling on people who hadn’t done it yet. I had to use my fake sore throat voice a couple of times just to get a pass.

So I thought I’d managed to dodge it completely, but then last week when we were doing the essay part of our year-end exam, it turned out she wanted us to write it on the test paper! Longhand!

And it was just my luck I was sitting a little behind and just off to the side of Stephen Craft. He’s kind of smart but he’s also wiggly and he’s got these really thick arms and he kind of hunches over his papers when he writes. So I was only able to get a glimpse of word groups here and there while he was writing it out.

It’s not easy to copy from someone’s paper when they’re all fidgety like that. Especially if the teacher is as fussy about cheating, which Ms. Filbert-Nutt is.

Anyway, I did my best. But when she gave me the paper back I had a “D”, with a whole bunch of question marks scribbled around my answer to that poem question, along with this note: “What happened here? Talk to me!”.

Here’s what my paper said:

Two woods diverged in a yellow road,
And travel I could not sorry both
And long be one, traveler I stood
And as far down one looked as I could
Bent to where it in the undergrowth;

Then just the other, as took as fair
And better having the perhaps claim
Grassy it wanted, and because was wear,
Passing the that as though for there
Worn about them really had the same,

Both equally and morning that lay
Step in no leaves had trodden black
Another first marked I for Oh the day!
Way how on knowing leads yet to way
Ever should I come if I doubted back.

With this telling shall I be a sigh
Ages somewhere and ages hence:
Roads a wood diverged in two and I,
Traveled the one I took less by,
Made the all and has that difference.

So now I have to have this meeting with Ms. F-N and I think my whole grade kind of rests on it. Mr. C., I’m wondering if you could help me think of something good to say that isn’t too false, but isn’t totally honest either. Something with just enough spin that it could keep me from flunking my sophomore year. Again!

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby that I try often enough but I’m not a very good liar – whenever I tell a whopper people see through me right away. All my excuses tend to fall flat so I didn’t think I could help him. He wrote back and accused me of making that answer up, which, of course, was true. But he asked me to pass it along.

What should Bubby say to improve his grade?