Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m proud to say that this past week I was sworn in once again as a Member of the House of Representatives, along with all 435 other members.

The fact that they did not actually acknowledge me at the ceremony or list me in any of the official documents does nothing to detract from the awesome responsibility I feel as your Congressman! I know that we are in an uphill battle. I’m sure it comes as no secret to you that there are people who believe the 9th district of Minnesota is entirely made up.

Likewise, there are those who say a single congressional district composed of nothing but water surface area in a state with over 12,000 lakes and at least four major rivers is a logistical and practical impossibility. Such skeptics also claim such a jurisdiction would have virtually no full time residents.

Yes, there are voices who insist that you, I and our district are purely fanciful. This is an outrage! I’m not upset that they say we are imaginary, but I’m incensed that they believe this somehow makes us irrelevant!

And now there are similar critical voices suggesting that former Minneapolis City Council Member and current developer Steve Minn has violated standards of public behavior simply by using people that he made up in his head to attack another developer’s projects!

What are we to make of this? Are Fanciful Americans to be denied a voice, as well as their very existence?

Some of Minn’s accusers smirk at the news that his three Fancifuls (Howard Wilbur, Suzanne Sharp and Louis C. Brown) actually talked with each other through online community message boards. Why is that wrong? Are F.A.’s not permitted to collaborate? Denying the right of assembly is always one of the first acts of a tyrant!

And don’t patronize Fancifuls by lumping us together with noisy minority groups asserting their rights. There is no evidence anywhere to prove The Fanciful are a minority! We could very easily outnumber Tangible Americans – all it would take is an accurate census of the national imagination. I believe if we could correctly count the number of made-up people who reside solely on school playgrounds and in day care facilities on a normal January morning, that number would completely overwhelm the Tangible population.

We have many positive qualities. Fanciful Americans are forthright. The good ones are a great asset to our communities (Superman, Dora the Explorer). When F.A.’s are bad, they are unambiguously evil (Hannibal Lecter, Wicked Witch of the West). We prize clarity!

So don’t marginalize Fancifuls, and if you condone discrimination against us, don’t think you will be immune to the effects. Some of the most reputable Tangibles, upon closer investigation, turn out to be totally made up people (Bernie Madoff, John Edwards, Bo Beckman) who do not even realize how completely fake they are!

I, for one, am proud to be exactly who you think I am! Because without you, I am, literally, nothing.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Who are your favorite Fanciful Americans?

Here we are, finally, at the end of 2012. Word Press prepared a 2012 annual report for Trail Baboon. There are some interesting statistics, though I haven’t got a clue what they all mean. Click here to see the data.

Going into 2012 we were all feeling some trepidation about what was ahead, particularly with regard to the election. One year ago today, many of the baboons engaged in the artful science of making real and fantasy predictions about the coming year.

Baboons were hesitant to offer guesses about the future in the category we can only call Reality Based Predictions (R.B.P.). Several ventured (correctly) into this territory:

• Obama will win the election, and the bad karma the GOP has been sending out will be returned to them.

Here’s my choice as the winner for the most accurate RBP:

But baboons seemed to be more comfortable making Fantasy Predictions (F.B.P.), such as:

• The economy will turn around completely and become a steaming engine of Green Industry, recycling everything and focusing on creating energy without a carbon load.
• Bubby will finally make it into the junior class (never going to happen).
• Minnesota will not have a single day with a heat index over 90. (nice try)

Though there are elements of reality-based guessing in this one, I’m most impressed by the fantasy landscape. When it comes to the imagined future, we all seem to be much more comfortable (and hopeful) about our personal projections, rather than our national or global prospects.

Of course, I believe Edith is still incarcerated. Still, one has to admire the optimism in this scenario.

When it comes to making predictions for the year ahead, deciding whether we were accurate or misguided is completely beside the point. This annual exercise is a way to express hopes and fears, and in some cases to add a note of personal resolve. No bets are made and no money changes hands.

So let your minds roam – what will happen in 2013?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?

Everybody I’ve talked to lately wants me to answer this question, which I find nonsensical. Since when has anyone been able to decide whether or not they will forget someone else?

My experience has been that your mind either loses track of someone or it doesn’t, and it has very little to do with how much you like them. The nastiest ones can stick with you the longest. With all the others it’s hit and miss.

Years later you might remember a forgotten person if you have a chance encounter on the street or you see their picture in a book or a magazine or a mug shot.

We really don’t have much say in the matter.

But people keep asking this “Old Acquaintance” question, usually with a drink in their hand at some late-night party, when they are getting sloppy and disgusting and the chances are good they won’t even be able to remember their new acquaintances.

Still, I get the sense that they want me to provide an answer, though I honestly have no idea what to say.

Sincerely,
B. Fuddled

I told B. that the question appears rhetorical, which means it does not require a response. In fact, this particular question and the environment in which it is typically asked is more of an invitation to have another drink – an activity which eventually leads (after a marked increase) to the cessation of talking all together in favor of simply staring into space, blankly. Perhaps his confusion about the intent of the question is really a sign that B. has been leaving the party too early.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings Constituents!

I’m in Washington, DC, where I almost never am in the days that separate Christmas from New Years. But I have to be here in case we’re called on to vote on some kind of deal to address the “fiscal cliff“, which is a silly but very effective name for a scary thing that you can’t see.

It is quite entertaining to be here for the hand-wringing and running around, the closed door discussions and the breathless predictions about what will happen if we actually do go flying off our self-made “cliff” into a canyon of despair.

The whole town is charged with a kind of tense excitement – something kind of bad is about to happen. A storm is coming in, and people are stocking up and taking cover.

It’s a blame storm. We’re going to get buried in it, and the only question left is who will be able to dig out and who will be buried?

I feel fortunate because I happen to come from a part of the country that is guilt-rich and I’ve been slogging through stubborn waves of blame since the day I was born and the doctor slapped me. My mother hauled off and punched the doctor, then she kissed me, then I cried, and she slapped me too. I had just put her through quite a lot of trouble, so I understood and forgave her immediately.

But the point is, I know how to dig out when I’m getting deluged by blame. And believe me, there’s lots on the way.

Forecasters say there will be jobs lost, investments ruined, gains rolled back and fortunes diminished. The recent glimmers of economic hope that we’ve seen will be snuffed, and economic despair will make a resurgence. That kind of massive collision of high expectations and low performance always produces a huge blame storm, and the contest now is to find out who is best prepared to weather the onslaught?

Speaking only for myself, I know I didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t blame me because I wasn’t part of the non-negotiations and as a representative of a largely overlooked district with no newspapers or media of any kind, my statements on the issue have gone largely ignored.

Not that I’ve had much to say except “It’s not my fault.”

So I don’t think the Blame Storm is going to be too terribly bad in the 9th district. Famous last words?

At least I’ll be famous!

Your loyal Representative,
Loomis Beechly

Some wishful thinking from the Congressman? I’d like to be able to say I’m never troubled when the blame starts flying, but it only takes a little bit of it to totally bog me down. How about you?

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civillians!

But when I say ‘at ease’, I don’t necessarily mean you should relax. We must always stay vigilant about personal safety issues, but especially so at the end of the year when time is running out on the statistic-keeping for 2012.

Don’t get me wrong. It is awful to fall down the stairs, no matter when that happens. But if you fall down the stairs during the last week of the year your calamity won’t have the same effect on the manufacturers of handrails or stair treads that it might have if you took your tumble in, say, January. Stair accessory manufacturers have already closed the books on 2012. They’ve decided if they had a good year or bad in the never-ending battle with gravity. What might be a personal disaster for you would come too late to indicate any kind of a trend in stairway safety, one way or another.

It would be like being the last soldier to get shot in a long war.

So stay safe in these final days of 2012, and I say that with full knowledge that this is a primary time for encountering extreme cold, glare ice and liberal amounts of alcohol – all of them are elements that actively work AGAINST personal safety and security. Cold, Ice and Alcohol. CIA! Spooky.

So be vigilant. Be hesitant to take any unwise risk. If someone suggests that you take the Christmas lights down from the peak of the house before New Year’s Day even though the ground and the roof are covered with ice, just say ‘no’. If the thought occurs to you that you’d like to rinse the thick layer of dust off your kitchen radio while it’s still plugged in, ask yourself if that’s smart. If a smart-aleck suggest that you lick raw cookie dough off the moving parts of your new kitchen stand mixer while it is still running, send that person away. In fact, if you think any specific activity is bound to be risky, it’s never wrong to say “wait ’til next year.”

After all, it’s just a couple of days’ delay! And then you can resolve to be totally injury free in 2013!

Yours in safety,
B.S.O. Rafferty

I think this is a safety statistic fanatic’s take on an important issue. Really, it’s as important to be careful now as it will be in January or June. But whatever reason he uses to give us a stern warning is fine with me, because I know B.S.O.R. has a need to waggle his finger at us and it keeps him healthy to be constantly alarmed at what we might do.

What potentially risky behavior will you foreswear in 2013?

Today’s post comes from Bart the Bear, a hairy beast who found a smart phone in the forest.

Hey!

I’m feeling a little bit logy today, but still there’s work to do. Not a lot of food available, unless somebody tossed a fruitcake out of a passing car. That happens some around this time of year. But the competition never rests. Raccoons, especially, are always looking for stuff to eat. So I’m going to get busy after I send you this text.

Because there are no holidays in the woods.

Just felt like I needed to say that. I’ve been hearing a lot about “the holidays” and a bunch of ads have been showing up on this phone I found, which is kind of funny because I don’t really need anything from Victoria’s Secret. I haven’t seen anything in their catalog that would be right for a bear. Not that I’m into wearing clothes – I’m not. And the Victoria’s Secret people don’t seem to be too enthusiastic about wearing clothes either. They don’t seem too enthusiastic about anything. The models all have these pained looks on their faces. I can only guess that their little clothes are too tight, or they are freezing.

What can I say? It’s great to be able to grow some all-over hair!

So anyway, the ads suddenly stopped and I’m wondering if “the holidays” are over now. That would be great if it was true, because this thing keeps vibrating and chirping with incoming messages and Facebook posts and, of course, the ads. Whoever owned the phone before me never said “no” when they were asked if they want to receive special offers. Some of these phones need more attention than a newborn bear cub. Really annoying!

And yes, I said “these phones,” because I’ve got a bunch of them. I found out that a wild animal like me can get a smart phone whenever he wants one.

Here’s what you do – find some hikers or campers and you do a little crashing around in the brush about 50 yards away. First thing that happens when they notice you is get out their phones. While they’re holding the phones up in front of their faces, that’s when you charge. I run straight at them, growling and snarling and huffing. By the time I get within 25 feet they’ve turned to run. And 9 times out of 10 I find the phone sitting there in the leaves where they were standing – all charged up and ready to go, with a picture of a ferocious bear on the desktop. Nice!

Sometimes the tourists stop running and turn around when they see I’ve picked up their phone and am no longer interested in killing them. But so far, nobody has asked for their property back.

I guess having electronic toys is fun, but there’s still no gadget that’s as cool as being alive! Anyway, have a great after-holiday-time. Don’t rule out hibernation as a New Year’s Resolution!

Your pal,
Bart

What’s the most prized possession you’ve lost?