A Trip To Glenelg

The directors of the Curiosity mission on Mars are planning a road trip for the rover. Just like so many of us do in late August, NASA will pack the family in the car and go sightseeing. Even though we just got done spending what felt like YEARS in space, we have to look at something new? Can’t we just stay in one place?

Image credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Univ. of Arizona

Apparently not. In this case the new attraction is named Glenelg, which has some interest for the scientists because three different kinds of terrain intersect there. I don’t know the textbook terminology for it, but basically there’s some stuff that looks like it could be bedrock, some other crater marked stuff that might be quite old, and lots more of the stuff that Curiosity landed on.

Glenelg is a palindrome, and the planners named it thus because Curiosity will visit the spot twice. Once on the way to the base of Mt. Sharp, and once on the way back.

This is how engineers amuse themselves.

Following the travels of Curiosity will be fun if you are the sort of person who happens to find driving very slowly and looking at rocks delightful. Teenage joyriders may lack the patience for this particular trip, but we have the mission planners to thank for giving us a nice variety of rocks to enjoy. Rocks, boulders, outcroppings, chunks, lumps. Mars Rover watchers will see plenty of terrain and will learn many new words to describe dusty red nuggets over the next weeks, months and years.

Here’s what I’m waiting to find out – when Curiosity starts claw at the ground with its shovel, will we say it is digging holes in the Mars?

If a similar rover from another civilization was sent to Earth on a quest to explore some scenic spot where multiple kinds of terrain intersect, I’m certain its mission planners would land it at the Lengby Rest Area in Polk County, Minnesota.

The Red Triangle Inside A Circle Marks Our Landing Spot
There’s Landing Space Between These Metallic Outcroppings!

There are lots of good reasons for curious aliens to do this.  For one, there’s a flat parking area, so their rover can be lowered onto an even surface. It would be a particular challenge for the engineers to pick a location that’s empty – my recommendation is to go for one of the first spots you come to – far away from the trash cans, the commode, and vending. But those exciting features could be part of a future road trip for the Earth Rover, once it has found its bearings and established a link with the home planet.

Those New Chryslers Just Get Uglier and Uglier

And there’s summer tourism, of course. People up from the Cities would take  pictures of the extraterrestrial machine as it takes pictures of them. Actual aliens would be off-putting and we’d ignore them as long as they ignored us, though we’d talk behind their backs and make all sorts of unflattering assumptions about them. But if they sent their machines, well, that kind of space traveler is a little more approachable. I’ve been to the Minneapolis Auto Show. If it has four wheels, it will draw a crowd.

But the best reason is that Minnesota is home to four different biomes and all four of them come together within a few miles of that potty break paradise between Erskine and McIntosh. There’s Coniferous Forest to the Northeast, Tall Grass Aspen Parkland to the Northwest, Prairie Grassland to the West and South, and Deciduous Forest to the South and East. What a treat for an automated rover sent from a place like Tatooine, which we all know is a desert planet in a binary star system. Those parched taxpayers would want to get their money’s worth, and the Lengby Rest Area would deliver. All this different terrain to look at!

The only problem – the Lengby Rest Area is situated in the median, so the machine will have to cross Highway 2 to get to the good stuff. But that’s just another kind of scientific discovery – do Minnesota drivers brake for exploratory robots? Sometimes you have to go there to find out.

Where’s your favorite road trip rest stop?

Quicksand Alert!

This weekend’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, civillians!

Being at ease is one of your best lines of defense against trouble of every sort.
But another important characteristic is being constantly aware of your surroundings. You may think you are standing on solid ground, but appearances can be deceptive. I was quite alarmed to see this warning from experts along the Mississippi and Missouri Rivers in the areas hardest hit by the relentless drought and low water levels.

Quicksand!

I thought quicksand only happened in Hollywood movies that take place in a jungle or any place wet and dark. But no! Quicksand is real and it can happen along a great midwestern river. There is much advice available about how to react when you’re in quicksand, but you’d better not wait until then to look it up. The sensation of slowly sinking into a mushy combination of dirt and flowing water tends to dull even the best research skills.

My favorite bit of advice starts with this simple strategy:

Avoid quicksand.

That’s easier said than done. Quicksand is so sneaky, you’re caught before you realize it. And though (in the movies) there are always other people nearby, they will not help you because they are either being chased by cannibals or they secretly wish you dead, or both.

That clip illustrates another very important reason to avoid getting caught in quicksand – you can become quite unattractive very quickly when you are being drawn into a bottomless pool of unforgiving muck.

The topic itself is quite dangerous. I discovered at least one person on You Tube who started watching and collecting quicksand videos and got sucked in! About the time you get to video number 28 you realize you are helpless and are going to sit there watching these things until you are dead.

Since Mississippi River sandbars can look solid while they hide a disastrous molten sub-strata, the most obvious way to insure your safety is to never, ever, walk on sand of any kind. I realize this means you must give up the beach, but some pleasures are worth the sacrifice if it means you will never have to call out to your companions that you have blundered into QUICKSAND!

Ever feel stuck?

Overly Full Disclosure

Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Greetings Constituents!

Beechly Provides T.M.I. to the Boating Public

I’ve been writing to you quite a lot lately, and I apologize for that because I know many of you see your elected representative as someone who should not be heard from unless you have a need for my services or a face a government related problem that must be solved immediately.

Otherwise, you would rather I go off to Washington DC to argue with the other Representatives and try my best to do as little as possible in the way of creating policies that might interfere with your life.

I get that, and I’m trying to be the kind of servant you want me to be.

At the same time, I know you need instant access to all existing information about me. Every little detail. Even though you don’t like me very much, it’s important that there not be any secrets between us. I’ve been in some personal romantic relationships like that so I’m very familiar with the Personal Evasion / Privacy Invasion bi-polar disorder that increasingly characterizes our constituent / public servant contract. It’s OK. See how cool I am about it? Your feelings about me couldn’t be more conflicted than MY feelings about me.

And really, I’m ready to submit to any kind of scrutiny as long as you agree to keep voting for (loving) me.

Here’s the good news. Thanks to modern technology and the ongoing merger between reality TV and journalism, you don’t have to work very hard to get a chance to go over my tax returns and even see photos of my car in all the different places I’ve driven it. I also hope that I can soon make it a regular practice to keep my cell phone GPS turned on and linked to my Facebook page so people can always see where I am! Why? It’s a great for us to connect, or conversely, an easy method for you to avoid me if you find me appalling. After all, it’s much easier to duck into a shop or a restaurant when a phone app tells you I’m two blocks away than to wait until you see me and then cross to the other side of the street. And it supports small businesses, which of course is an approach I favor.

I hope that by using these convenient tools, you’ll be able to get comfortable with me, feel that you know me, recognize that we are very much alike, and see that I am as ordinary and mundane as you feel on your very worst days!

As your elected representative, I may not always do exactly what you would do in a given situation, but I do pledge to you that I will be as human as you are, if not moreso. Even if that means I have to be petulant and snippy, a little bit vacant, somewhat clueless, occasionally gaffe-prone and always, always emotionally needy.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

I already feel a little uncomfortable with Congressman Beechly’s level of sharing, but I think he is doing this because he doesn’t have a political opponent this year, and thus he is forced to run against himself. That thing about his earlier romantic relationships should make this Fall’s contest against Write In Candidate a barn burner! Rep. Beechly’s support staff always goes on vacation in August, but before they left someone should have told the Congressman not to write constituent newsletters after his bedtime nightcap.

When do you know someone has given you Too Much Information?

Powerball Hangover

Open your eyes slowly and try to sit up.

You had a little too much Lottery Vodka last night. I saw you tipping back one set of numbers after the next, increasingly convinced with each new sequence that a bunch of ping pong balls in an air popper were going to line up in exactly the right order to permanently and profoundly change your life.

I made a half-hearted attempt to get you to slow down, but you were already too far gone into 320 million dollar fantasy land – promising to use your fortune to buy a new clarinet for every impoverished 4th grader in Minneapolis, because “… music is so beautiful, every poor kid deserves a chance to be the next Artie Shaw.”

Nice sentiment. Sorry it didn’t work out the way you imagined.

But then again, Shaw’s life didn’t turn out so happy after all. It might have been a waste of money in any case. It’s hard to spend a fortune wisely, and we never know what strange turn fate will take.

We’ve already seen that big lottery winners are especially adept at financial smash-ups. I only buy one ticket at a time, based on a private theory I have that a single ticket is really just “a license to imagine”.

According to this smug rationale, getting two tickets is proof you don’t know anything about mathematics or probability, and buying three tickets certifies that you didn’t deserve to have six dollars in the first place.

But if I’m so smart, why couldn’t I have simply IMAGINED buying a ticket instead of throwing away two dollars?

That’s the problem with exercising your inventiveness on something like this. I did picture all my numbers coming up during the drawing last night, but when I fantasized about going into the kitchen to retrieve the stub, I also imagined that my dog had inexplicably eaten the ticket.

Dang! I was going to buy a Personalized Whack-A-Mole game for every member of the baboon tribe! With moulded mole heads shaped to look like members of your family!

But put it out of your mind. We should have known our numbers were never going to come up.

What’s your lucky number?

Chunky Time Cometh

Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear who found a smart phone in the north woods. Bart’s entry has been translated from its original language, Ursus Textish.

Hey!
Bart here.

As Summer gets closer to Fall, I’m seeing even more Bears in the News. It’s getting kind of old, because what I’m hearing is the same old thing. The media say that we’re hungry and looking to stock up on body fat before we hibernate.

How do they know what we’re really looking for?

Me During My Slim Months – last Spring

I’m not a big fan of the mainstream media, mostly because their name promises a stream and then doesn’t deliver. I’d love to have a real cool stream to wade in right now! But that thing about wanting to get all fatted up – that one is probably true. I know I’m feeling the urge to eat stuff that I shouldn’t eat so I can get bigger than I’m supposed to be. Or maybe AS BIG as I’m supposed to be.

With all the human-made media I’m watching, I’m getting sensitive about my weight because you people put pressure on yourselves to be thin all the time. But that’s not the bear way. We’ve got a skinny season and a fat season, every year. Right now we’re definitely moving from the Stout Weeks into the Chunky Time.

I’m not saying we bears are better than you or smarter than you or even more realistic than you, but wouldn’t it be less stressful to just give yourselves permission to be ready for exposure to the elements?

The weather is still pretty nice – so why not use this time to go around foraging for high calorie additions to your diet? Heaven knows you can’t save any money for retirement right now or do anything else to insulate yourself from the unforgiving shock of cold, cold weather and possibly no job!

There should be a place where you can just go wander around and choose the most exotic, outrageous and fattening food that humans eat, as a way to prepare yourselves for the inevitable.

Oh wait. You’ve already got that.

Never Mind!

Your Bulky Buddy,
Bart

I told Bart that he’d better not come to our State Fair this year unless he wants to get a few dozen quick tranquilizer darts from antsy security guys who would like nothing better than to start Bart’s hibernation a few months early. But he has a good point. What’s wrong with designating a fat season and a skinny season, other than the fact that we’d all probably just go from a fat season to a fatter one?

How does your diet change through the course of the year?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m in politics, and not just a little bit.

I have said some unkind things about politicians over the years, and have pretended that I’m not a political person. But I’m so far into it, I actually ran for President not that long ago. And while I was running, people talked openly about how boring I am. They said this to my face, and I smiled because when you’re running for President one thing you can’t do is lose your cool.

I figured they would apologize to me after I won, but I ran out of money and had to quit.

I have also been widely discussed as a potential choice for Vice President on several occasions during the last 5 years or so. Sometimes I actively sought the job. Other times I had to act disinterested, like the only thing I wanted was for the party to succeed. I played the role of a good and faithful supporter and was complimentary to all the people who were mentioned along with me. But in each case I was eventually passed over for someone younger, or prettier.

All of this hurt my feelings, but I couldn’t protest because I didn’t want to seem selfish or small. And nobody else protested on my behalf, which was too bad because you’d think over the course of a life in politics you’d make some friends who would stand up for you.

Maybe I’m just a dreamer.

Now people are talking openly about what other humiliating political contest I might enter in the future, like it’s a given that I can’t walk away from this ridiculous soul-crushing business and I have to keep trying until I get elected again or selected for something to prove that I have value as a human being!

That’s just not the case, Dr. Babooner. I know I’m a decent person and I don’t need validation from the masses, or from the party faithful, or even from the Presidential nominees who I have faithfully served, only to be repaid with rejection and overwhelming feelings of disappointment that I can’t express.

Dr. Babooner, I feel that I’m at a crossroads. Should I open up and share my pain with the world, guaranteeing that I will remain in the private sector for the rest of my life? Or keep smiling and hope I get a shot at the U.S. Senate in 2014?

Conflictedly,
Passed Over, Obviously Rejected, Tired, Insulted, & Mad

I told P.O.O.R.T.I.M. that one should never be ashamed of reaching for the stars. And political defeat is rarely a reflection of one’s true worth – the negative images that are constructed in the heat of an election battle have little to do with reality. As for the finality of baring one’s soul, remember that a man who later became President rebounded nicely from his own whiney speech about being poor and mistreated – one that invoked his little dog, Checkers. In fact, that breakdown may have humanized him in a way that was necessary for his later victories. So go ahead and speak out about the way you feel! The electorate can surprise you with their forgiveness, or their forgetfulness. I’m not sure which. But whatever you do, never, ever mention yourself in the same sentence with Nixon!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Doing Some Sneaking Around

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I can’t believe it’s August already!

Pretty soon I’ll be back at Wendell Wilkie High School (again)! Being a perennial sophomore, I know the routine pretty well – a lot better than some of the teachers.

This year will be extra exciting because it’s a presidential election year, and that means we can burn up a lot of time in first hour American History class if Mr. Boozenporn sees something on the news the night before that irks him, which he almost always does.

Four years ago we spent the whole month of October talking about political ads, and I hear that this year the ads are gonna be even wackier. I was watching TV last night, looking for something I could bring up on the first day of school, when I saw an interview with this Paul Ryan guy who is going to run for vice president, I guess.

There was a whole lot of talk about budgets and numbers and stuff that makes me feel like I’ve got bees in my ears whenever I hear it, so I really don’t remember any of that. But what did get my attention was when he talked about trying to sneak out of his own house so reporters wouldn’t know he was going off to meet Mitt Romney.

Sneaking out of the house is something I think about a lot. I’m not saying I’ve done it a lot, but if Jennifer Currie asked me to hang out with her at, like, midnight … I would definitely find a way. So that part of Paul Ryan’s story really resonated for me. But he had it easy – he just walked in the front door of his house and right out the back door and through the woods and a yard on the other side, to the street where somebody picked him up!

He was kind of boasting about how clever that was, even though there wasn’t anybody actually IN the house trying to keep him from getting out, and he had a convenient forest right there to hide in and a driver to whisk him away. I wish I had just ONE of those things working for me. Anybody could sneak out under those conditions.

I’ve got all kinds of people at my house (OK, mom and dad, mostly) always asking “Where are you going?” and “What’re you doing?” Most of the time the answer is “nowhere” and “nothing”, which just seems to make them madder. And instead of having a forest right outside the back door, I’ve got to cross this wide open stretch that’s like the exercise yard at Leavenworth. There’s no grass back there, which makes it mushy after a rain. And there are motion sensitive lights and a dog next door (Buddy) who flies off the handle whenever he hears somebody on our side of the fence breathing. And then there’s the fence itself – it’s so old and rickety, I know it’s going to collapse on me someday when I’m vaulting over it, just like the pole did for that jumper guy from Cuba. And then Ryan had someone to pick him up! I’d like to see him sneak out and get where he’s going by having to “borrow” a bike from the neighbor’s garage!

But I guess that’s how it is when you get to be a Congressman (and maybe vice president) – you get to do stuff the easy way and think you’ve had a real accomplishment.

I’m not saying I’ve done any of that, by the way. But in all the times I’ve imagined meeting Jennifer Currie at midnight, that’s how I got there – tossing a steak to Buddy, crawling on my belly through the mud in the back yard, vaulting over the fence and then riding ten miles on a stolen bike.

And when I show up, all mud caked and sweaty, she’s always happy to see me. That’s how I know it didn’t really happen!

Your Pal,
Bubby

Ever sneak out of the house, or travel under cover?

A Policy Wonk From Wisconsin …

We now have a new prospective Veep in Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, who will be lauded and vilified for at least the next three months. If we believe everything we hear, we may never know anything about him.

Vice Presidents are, by definition, NOT front and center on the political stage. The website vicepresidents.com carries on its masthead this curious motto: “Proud To Be in the Shadow”.

For some reason, thinking about the American Vice Presidency makes me want to write bad limericks. And by that, I mean clean ones. Why? Because George Bernard Shaw said clean limericks are “a periodic fad and object of magazine contests, rarely rising above mediocrity.”

That would make it the perfect form of poetry to describe vice presidents.

An unusual fellow named Spiro,
As our veep was a definite zero.
But his boss was the worser,
a notable curser
and a genuine folk anti-hero.

A reason that limericks and Veeps don’t line up? There is a dark side to the job – perhaps too dark for this lighthearted form.

As political power is reckoned,
the most worthless position is second.
‘Cause you take all the falls
but you can’t make the calls
’til your boss, to his maker, is beckoned.

A criticized Rep. from Wisconsin
Wants a job he can shape his response in.
He enjoys cutting taxes
But never relaxes
Out of fear he’ll become Andrew Johnson

Feel free to contribute your own limerick or haiku or free verse. Anything to trim the verbiage!

Pick Me Not

Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly. He represents all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly’s Submerged Stump Speech

Greetings, Constituents,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that it does not look like Mitt Romney will choose me to be his running mate in the 2012 Presidential contest. Many of you have supposed otherwise, and I’ll take that as a compliment because the alternative is simply too discouraging.

It was close, though. At least I think it was.

Although I haven’t been contacted by vetters from the campaign, I gained some legitimacy from the condition of my Wikipedia page – it’s entirely non-existent. One way to tell if a person is about to be chosen to run as vice-president is to see if their Wikipedia page has been updated recently to remove any embarrassing details just before the choice is announced. That set off a flurry of wiki-checking for the major contenders – Pawlenty, Portman, Jindal, etc. All their pages were being watched. But when I discovered that I don’t have a page on Wikipedia, I instantly became a front runner (in my mind). After all, my selection could remain a secret up to the very last moment – especially to me! That kind of organic discretion is a huge plus.

My positions on the issues also made me a likely choice, because I’m omni-political. I like a good argument, and if I REALLY like yours, I’ll just adopt it! Just like Mitt, I’ve felt a bunch of different ways about lots of things.

Also, geographical diversity gave me an edge. Mitt Romney is from Utah, a very dry state (in spite of the Great Salt Lake). I, on the other hand, represent all the water surface area in Minnesota – a perfect compliment for a presidential candidate who comes from the dusty desert. He’s dry as dirt. I’m wet as a catfish. Put us together and we make up an essential political element – just right for slinging at the opponent. And mud is also a time tested building block.

Romney-Beechly also has a good ring to it – really nice! And it’s an anagram for “Bye Melon, He Cry!” That would put us in tight with the California Honeydews – a major source of campaign funding.

But I continue to fail to appear on short OR long lists for the Vice Presidency, and my national profile is razor-thin. I’m beginning to feel a bit sad for what might have been.

But don’t get me wrong – I’m not crushed. For one thing, I’ve suspected for some time that I might be a Democrat.

Some days I feel kinda Red, and others I’m a little Blue.
It would be tough to commit to just one hue!
And now, as a non-vice presidential candidate, I won’t have to!

Once they’re on the job, Vice Presidents don’t have much of an opportunity to go in for poetry. Or fishing.

But I believe I’m off the hook. Hallelujah!

Name a job you were happy to NOT get.

The Art of Avoidance

Today’s guest post comes from Donna.

Last week, after months of good intentions, I finally emailed Dale and offered to do a guest blog. I asked for a deadline because I wanted to sound mature. That was August 2nd and he gave me until August 7th, so I’ve been working on it nonstop, on and off, since I got up this morning, today being August 7. Some of you may be wondering why I waited until the last minute, but the truth is I didn’t JUST start today! I started right away on August 2nd, the dragging my feet part.

On August 3rd I decided to clean out my dresser drawers to see if that might spark some creativity. Partway through I came across a two-piece swimming suit I’d forgotten about. Of course I tried it on to see if it still fit and when it did (relatively), I immediately applied sunscreen and went out on the patio to lay out. By now it was 3:00 and even though the sun’s rays aren’t as intense then, it was still very hot. I tried to distract myself from sweating by turning my dial to John Tesh’s Intelligence For Your Life Radio Show, and intermittently spraying myself with the garden hose. I decided you can learn a lot from John Tesh.

For example, did you know that if you’re late for a meeting you should make a quick apology and then drop it because if you continue to say you’re sorry you will be regarded as a wimp and your colleagues will blame you for everything bad that happens at work? And did you know that in order to lose belly fat, diet and exercise are ineffective? You must also eliminate stress from your life because once belly fat interacts with the stressors, they all multiply and fill up the space between your pelvis and ribs with flabby, dimply flesh, compromising the fit of bathing suits everywhere. Did you also know that if you are sun tanning and your lawn service arrives but you don’t realize it because your back is turned while you’re spraying yourself with the hose, the guy will only treat the front yard and leave a bill for the entire lawn? And if you call and complain about it they will send the guy back the next day to complete the job and he will leave a note that says, “Sorry about the confusion. I saw you were working on a tan and didn’t want to bother you.”

And so it continued. Each consecutive day I allowed myself to get sidetracked, figuring if I just gave it enough time, an intriguing post would incubate in my brain. I cleaned out my email inbox, deleting over 6000 items. I gave my outside house trim two coats of paint. I ordered window blinds. I worked in my classroom. I watched the Olympics and read several chapters of The Happiness Project. I got a manicure. I went to a local winery, out to dinner, and listened to live music. I went to the gym and walked with a friend. I tuned in to more John Tesh. I talked to my kids on the phone and got caught up on the Trail. I cooked, I snacked, I slept. I got a lot done and I had a great time!

But now here it is, late at night on the day of the deadline and my brain still hasn’t generated a fascinating blog topic. I’m fatigued and taxed. The boost of energy I was counting on to hurdle me to the finish line never showed up. Yikes! Now it’s just a few seconds away. So here goes …10…9… This is all I’ve got …8…7…Take it or leave it …6…5… Please don’t judge …4…3… I was born this way…2…1… Gulp!

How do you practice avoidance?