Former legit radio reporter Bud Buck has been sending breathless, fact-free, over-the-top dispatches for the past two years as he tries to find his place in the new world of digital journalism. Few have taken notice. I know he has been disappointed that none of his reports have “gone viral”. He can’t even get sued. In his latest act of desperation, he’s abandoning the pretense of reporting a story, and is hoping to gain our attention as a commentator.
“Fake” Mars Landing is Clearly Fake
by Bud Buck
What would you do if you were leading a government project that couldn’t be kept secret, that needed plenty of time and an incredible amount of luck to succeed? Something so dangerous it could easily fail and cause widespread embarrassment? Something so provocative and unsettling to the rest of the world that it’s completion could upset the balance of power?
You would lower expectations, of course. You would tell the story of your project in such a way that people would feel sorry for you. You would frame the discussion so that it centered around all the ways your efforts are probably inadequate. In short, you would perpetrate the biggest ruse in history with the most shocking surprise ending since they opened the Trojan Horse and all those soldiers tumbled out.
That’s why I believe yesterday’s “fake” Marswalk, staged by the European Space Agency and Moscow’s Institute of Biomedical Problems is, in fact, real.
Yes, they’re up there. And of course they’re saying it’s simulated. That takes the pressure off, and managing pressure differentials is crucial in all space travel. Had word gone out that this effort was an actual mission, every step would be covered live on global television. That would set the stage for a possible humiliation. Nobody wants to be the guy whose space suit springs a leak with three billion watching in prime time. And nobody wants to have to explain to people whose blood is boiling why they let a guy’s blood actually boil.
Better to pretend that it’s just six guys playing “space house” in a Moscow suburb.
Nothing is more attractive to the world’s press than an obvious effort to hide something, and that’s why the genius stroke in all this was the decision to invite coverage of the mission as a “simulation”. As soon as it appeared the scientists were desperate for our attention, interest from the world’s press faded to almost nothing.
Meanwhile, these space pioneers, masquerading as test subjects, climbed into what is obviously a child’s version of a rocket set up in some Russian warehouse, and immediately went out a secret exit in back, where they were piled into a waiting van and driven to a launch pad in Siberia where they began the real mission in utter secrecy.
Do I have proof? Of course not! The mere existence of proof would prove that there is not a highly competent and vast conspiracy to cloak the diabolical nature of this effort.
Look carefully at the photos they claim were made as part of the “test”. Check out the soil. That color red is not found anywhere on Earth. Not even in Russia!
Officials claim the crew for this 520 day “experiment” is made up of six “men”. But I’ve seen photos of the “Marswalkers” in their space suits, and I don’t think there’s any way you could get a European man to wear something so roomy, or to look so soft and adorable. Of course they’re saying all the guys are men. That keeps us from thinking about the real purpose of the trip, which is to populate Mars with aggressive Russians and haughty Europeans so they can look down their noses at us from even farther away.
When the first Mars baby is born, that’s when we’ll start to get the actual story.
The timing of this thing is perfect. America has just faced a “Sputnik Moment” with regard to school test scores, and other “Sputnik Moments” in foreign manufacturing, green technology, and telemarketing. We have “Sputnik Moment” fatigue. And we’re also running low on quotation marks to indicate something is “phony”.
All I’m saying is that we need to prepare for a shocker. Mark my words. The fake mission is REAL!
This is Bud Buck!
Bud is safe here in assuming that his commentary will have very few readers and almost nobody will “mark his words”. But if the impossible happens and his wild imaginings turn out to be true, he’ll be lauded as one of the world’s leading investigative journalists, and perhaps even a prophet!
Are you any good at keeping a secret?
Trail Baboon 