As you might have guessed, yesterday’s news coverage of the census totals and the resulting discussion about the migration of power and influence southward and westward has drawn a response from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman (representing all the water surface area in the state), the Honorable Loomis Beechly.

Dear 9th District Constituents,

There has been a lot of prideful crowing over the past 24 hours from Minnesotans who say they are glad not to have lost a Congressman when the new census numbers were released.

I’m glad too. ‘Musical Chairs’ is a mean spirited game that injures people both physically and mentally, and I did not relish the thought of playing against the likes of Michele Bachmann and Keith Ellison. They are fierce competitors. And what could be more hurtful to one’s self-esteem than to be told “there is no longer a seat for you” and then to be forced out because you are too slow to get your butt in the chair before someone else, and all this while music plays and people laugh? Horrible.

But I would like to point out one thing which I find interesting – yesterday was the only day in the last decade when the national consensus seemed to be that Congressmen are a valuable resource worth keeping around.

There, I said it.

Most of the time we Congressmen are mocked, belittled, disparaged, dismissed and disrespected. Usually, “Congressman” is used as a code word for someone who is vain, self-interested and vacuous. We are described as people without conviction who can be bought and sold. Congressmen are below car salesmen on the trustworthiness scale, and in this economy we also outnumber them.

So it did my heart a world of good to hear cheerful people laughing and congratulating each other for keeping our congressional delegation intact. Finally, for a moment at least, I felt like a valued member of an important team. I hope this is the beginning of a new way of thinking about our political representatives, honoring them for their commitment to public service in spite of any differences we may have on specific issues. And for representatives, voters and media alike, may this episode usher in a time when we no longer feel compelled to use mean words and gross generalizations to tear each other down in order to maintain our influence!

Kind Regards,
Hon. Loomis Beechly

P.S. – Some have noted that virtually every news story yesterday asserted that Minnesota has 8 Congressional districts, not 9. As the 9th district Congressman, what can I say? You know how inept the mainstream media can be when it comes to numbers. All reporters should be required to pass a 5th grade proficiency test in math! And the unfortunate fact that my legislative colleagues did nothing to correct these errors is an affront to residents of the 9th district and qualifies as a bona-fide cheap shot. Will these vain, self-interested and vacuous manipulators stop at nothing to marginalize us? Here at this time of greatest annual population on the water surface area of Minnesota (think ice fishing houses), this slight will be remembered and there may well be consequences in 2012!

Are you good at musical chairs?

Tonight the moon will pass through the Earth’s shadow, and if you have a good look at it, you will be able to clearly see that the moon appears to disappear completely. And then it comes back. At a time in history when people did not understand why this was happening, a lunar eclipse caused great fear and consternation, especially among creatures who still had their amygdalas (see the weekend post). Some believed that a dragon was swallowing the moon, and they fired cannon blasts to scare the creature away.

Human history tells us that in the absence of an explanation, one will be created and blame will be assigned accordingly.

On the very same day as tomorrow’s lunar eclipse, our hemisphere will be leaning away from the sun at its sharpest angle of the year and the winter solstice will occur. Daylight will be brief and nighttime long. People once thought this was an indication that the division between our world and the spirit world was stretched very thin, and mischief was somehow more likely at this time than at any other. Noisy parties were held to keep the demons at bay. But now we are wiser, and we know noisy parties are where mischief tends to happen, especially if it’s been a hard year at the office and certain people (we won’t name any names) wind up holding too many drink tickets.

Every so often we get this kind of cosmic convergence and much is being made of the fact that a total lunar eclipse and the winter solstice haven’t happened on the same day since well before any of us were born (456 years ago) and won’t happen again until most of us are good and dead (2094). If being alive for this conjunction is on your “bucket list”, congratulations. You made it. But if you live in the Twin Cities and actually want to SEE the eclipse, you’ll probably have to leave town to get out from under the clouds and snow. But that simply adds to the opportunity. You could wind up seeing a total lunar eclipse, experiencing the winter solstice AND sleeping in a room at he Motel 6 in Fort Stockton, Texas, all in the very same day. Trifecta!

I am not sure why so much attention is paid when planets line up in a row or eclipses coincide with other astronomical events. The universe has lots of shining, spinning things that rotate around one another and cast shadows. Stuff is happening all the time. Perhaps tomorrow is also the day some distant star goes supernova, but we won’t know about it for millions of years. Well, WE won’t know about it at all. But maybe some Earthing will, eventually, and they may track the explosion back to that crazy moment in 2010 when there was an eclipse and a solstice on the same day.

In case the record is closely examined by some future researcher, allow me to announce that Tuesday is also the last pick-up day of sort-it-yourself recycling in my neighborhood. Beginning on Wednesday, everything that I typically recycle can be (MUST be) put in the same big bin. This is an unfathomable change. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been sorting newspaper from office paper and keeping the milk jugs and tin cans over by the garage wall. Separating stuff is what recycling was all about for me. Like an ancient chieftain who thinks a dragon has swallowed the Moon and the Lord of Misrule is planning to raise a ruckus, I am suddenly quite uneasy and unsure of myself.

When have a lunar eclipse, the winter solstice and a change in recycling rules happened on the very same day? Never before. And perhaps never again. Will we even call it “recycling” in 2094? I don’t think so. I feel extra lucky to be alive for this moment.

What event in your life would you like to add to the roster of amazing synchronicity for tomorrow’s grand convergence?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Ten days ‘til Christmas and I’m helpless when it comes to those cute little cookies. Some of them aren’t so little! And neither am I, once the festive tin has been emptied. What with all the parties at the office, I expect to gain about 6 pounds by New Year’s Day.

Here’s the real problem – Christmas cookie bakers are also pushers.

Typical scenario – an e-mail goes out to everyone in our department saying there are cookies in such and such a location. The mingle bells are ringing, and all work stops. Within moments, crowds are streaming past my desk, all on their way to load up with goodies. If I don’t immediately join the herd, people swoop in as they walk by, saying something like “Christmas cookies by the coffeemaker”, as if that’s a magic phrase that will allow me to drop everything I’m doing at the moment.

Before long, the social pressure becomes unbearable. I can hear them down there, talking and laughing and munching, and it becomes difficult to concentrate. I do believe in sociability and teamwork, so I get up.

When I arrive at the scene, someone grabs a little paper plate and begins loading it up with gingerbread snowmen, toffee squares and snickerdoodles. I say I’m watching my diet and people scoff. “C’mon, it’s Christmas,” they say, as if that somehow suspends the well-documented physiological effect of massive amounts of sugar and fat.

In some ways, I think the Christmas cookie crowd is the opposite of a therapy group. They are a community of food abuse sufferers, bent on self-destruction and committed to dragging you into their sad pool of caloric misery in the name of glad tidings and good cheer. They foist their morsels on you with such earnestness it borders on an insult if you refuse to take one or seven of these tiny fat bombs back to your desk.

Dr. Babooner, I want to be nice, but Christmas cheer is killing me.

Sincerely,
Santa’s Overstuffed Sack

I told S.O.S. that is is OK to lie at Christmas time if the goal is self preservation. I would tell the cookie pushers that I am under doctor’s orders to eat only vegetables at work. In fact, bringing a tray of festive green celery and jolly red radishes to the Christmas party is a great strategy that might succeed in getting everyone back to work more quickly!

Another tactic – let co-workers know about a newly released study that indicates exercise is much more potent in its effects against weight gain and the onset of diabetes if that exercise is done in a “fasted state”. So tell everyone you’ll be happy to enjoy a plate of cookies with them – after you lead the group through an exhausting regimen of jumping jacks and push-ups. That will help you manage the extra calories, and it might get your name permanently removed from the Impromptu Cookie Binge e-mail list!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?