The introduction of a full body scanner at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport has drawn interest from travelers concerned about check-in delays and privacy advocates worried about a new level of unwelcome scrutiny, but to dealmaker and idea man Spin Williams, it’s a great opportunity.

Americans love attention!

I know a lot of them say they don’t, but really – they do! Once you understand that simple fact, everything else becomes clear. I’ve heard people worry that an unseen screener will laugh at their odd bulges, but I believe my fellow citizens hate being ignored even more than they resent being mocked, and basically most people are OK with a full body scan at the airport. And who among us is physically perfect, anyway? The chances are good that no matter how bad you think you look, the next person to step into the box probably looks worse.

And besides, the images I’ve seen make everyone look like the Silver Surfer, who was one of my favorite comic book heroes!

But if you happen to be one of the rare attention-haters out there, safeguards are in place. The software automatically blurs your face so the screener can’t pick you out of the line and laugh at you directly. AND, the machine erases your full body image completely just as soon as you are cleared as a security risk. That’s where I think a great opportunity is being literally thrown away!

Here’s my BIG idea to make it all work out fine.
Sell the images to their owners as a keepsake.

Why not? Look at Facebook – people there are letting it all hang out every day. And wouldn’t you like to own a full set of naked portraits of yourself with your arms over your head? Standardize the angle and the distances from camera to subject in every booth, and you could use multiple images taken at different airports to track changes in your shape and weight – a federally subsidized fitness program that would inspire millions to skip that candy bar until after they pass through the screening.

And with a little digital manipulation, you could easily insert your TSA full body scan into a greeting of some sort. How about Christmas cards!
Here’s a mock-up!

After all, there is nothing we find more interesting than ourselves, and this is a photo taken during a memorable experience that can be discussed for years if it is properly packaged and celebrated. So TSA, take a hint from Disney World. Sell people their full body scans at the airport!

From the Meeting That Never Ends,
Spin Williams

I wrote back to Spin to suggest that he needs to proofread his mock-up greeting card. But he might be on to something here. I have several arms-over-head, open-mouthed screaming-in-fear amusement park photographs that I paid way too much for, but they do a good job of capturing a moment in time.

At the end of the ride, do you buy the photo?

Just in time for your unique Halloween costume planning needs, two brand new dinosaurs have been introduced, and though they’ve been dead for millions of years, they’re just right for our times. Want to dress as one? Get a hat and pile it high with as many spiky protrusions as you can find and you’ll be close enough.

Utahceratops and Kosmoceratops are baroque boneheads with plenty of skull bling.
Each ancient cranium is full of enough distracting and extraneous ornamentation to qualify as a vocal solo on Glee! The purpose of all the skeletal action – to attract potential mates. It seems that some amorous dinos found their thrills in bony frills above the neck and shoulders.

Utahceratops and Kosmoceratops come from the same family of beasts that gave us our beloved Triceratops, a kid-favorite fossil “brand” that just merged with the relatively unknown but equally hornful Torosaurus.

But here’s the part that surprised me – they lived during the late Cretaceous period, an age when the western part of North America was separated from the east by a body of water named the Western Interior Seaway, or the Niobraran Sea, though of course no creature alive at the time called it that. I believe they dubbed it “GHRRRRROOOOOGHGGGGGGGG”.

What we think of as the Rocky Mountains today was a separate continent, which had no name at the time but is now called “Laramidia”. If climate change continues to melt the polar ice and sea levels rise high enough, our descendants could become the new Laramidians. No doubt they would need a fancy sounding anthem for this intensely vertical, suddenly prairie-less land.

Laramidia hail to thee!
Hail to thy great mountains high.
Hail to thy uplifted hills.
Hail to thy thin-layered sky.

From thy summits to the sea,
From thy peaks straight down to foam,
Thou art vertical indeed.
Laramidia, my home.

Thou has not a grain of wheat
Nor a field that’s ripe with corn.
Nothing flat, as you can see.
Only dinosaurs, with horns.

Laramidia, be strong.
Laramidia, be tall.
If thou walks abroad at night,
Laramidia, don’t fall.

Thou art nought but up and down.
Thy terrain do we extol.
When we tumble we make straight
Unto the waves. That’s how we roll.

Do you know the words to any national anthems other than the good ol’ USA’s?

Good news, Jane and John Q. Public. The recession is finished!

The data sifters announced it yesterday. Their analysis reveals that the recession has been over for more than a year. You may not have noticed it due to all the commotion from businesses closing and distraction of unemployed people with their moaning and complaining, but trust me, the great tumult has passed and Happy Days Are Here Again.

The stock market already knows this. Wall Street has been adjusting its numbers accordingly over the past year, so don’t expect a sudden huge uptick. Larger forces anticipate what small players can’t see happening, I guess.

In short, the most troublesome stretch is finished but today will feel much like yesterday and all the concerns remain. The fundamentals have shifted but nothing is really different.

Kinda like when your child comes of age.

Twenty-one years ago today I witnessed a miracle as my beautiful and brave wife Nancy gave birth to my amazing, wonderful son Gus.

Everyone said having a child would change the world for us.
It did.

Everyone said raising him would be the hardest, most rewarding thing we’ve ever done.
It was.

Everyone said the time would fly and he’d be grown up before we knew it.
It has, and he is.

We could not possibly have imagined how delightful it would be to see him turn 21, or how proud we would be of the smart, funny, caring man he has become. A man! We really didn’t get it back in 1989 that we were dealing with a baby man, even though Everyone Said!

At each stage along the way we assumed the reality of the moment would last forever. At the time I would have said that feeling rose out of exasperation and fatigue, but now I know it was essentially optimistic. We were loving every minute and hoping against change. But change came anyway, and now that it is here it’s cause for celebration.

So starting today, things are in a new phase. The world has shifted again, and yet nothing is different. I feel like I should shave my head as a reminder that we have entered another realm, but wait! Nature has already taken care of that. Larger forces anticipate …
The show goes on and a new act begins!

When has a good change crept up on you?

A statement from Congressman Loomis Beechly regarding the November election and the Tea Party:

Greetings Constituents, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for not coming up with a Tea Party candidate to challenge me this year. Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state – is known for a fiercely independent streak and a willingness to throw caution to the prevailing northwesterly wind just to “see what will happen”. That’s a wonderful, adventurous quality for any group to share, and it keeps me awake at night.

As I watch what is unfolding in other places I’m appalled to see that people with little more qualification than the ability to carry an enormous chip on their shoulder are running and defeating incumbents in primary battles. Back when I first ran for office, it wasn’t so easy to take an election. For one thing, I didn’t have ME to run against! If I could have gained traction by just NOT being my opponent and NOT being part of the “establishment”, it would have saved me a lot of money and several ruined pairs of loafers that were sacrificed to cattail marshes when I went door knocking on houseboats.

And yet today’s upstart Tea Partiers still seem angry, even after they win! They’re ungrateful for how easy we’ve made it for them. They think political success is nothing more than a Beach Boys lyric – catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world! But there is so much more to public service than that. To survive you have to be able to catch a wave headed into shore, sit on top of the world for a short while, then catch another wave headed out, then switch to a sideways wave, get wiped out, swallow a whole bunch of awful tasting junk, almost have your head taken off by your board and come up spluttering that you meant to do it all along and make people BELIEVE you.

That takes political talent, and I don’t think these Tea Party People have it.

You have to be able to get all the nuances right, like casually messing up your opponents’ name to belittle him without actually saying out loud that you think he doesn’t matter. That’s an under-the-radar technique I learned from watching a great President, BLJ. A lot of today’s Pea Tartiers are too young to remember him.

And another thing – don’t be too honest. This isn’t Facebook and not everybody needs to know your status all the time. A little mystery is a good thing in romance and politics. If you liked to hang out with vampires when you were a teenager, that doesn’t make you a bad person, but it is also not a picture I want to have in my head when I go to the polls. Remember, all politicians are expected to kiss babies, but no one is likely to hand their precious bundle over to a candidate with blood dripping from her pointy fangs, even if she has pledged not to raise taxes.

Find a way to accuse your opponent of horrible acts without assuming any accountability yourself. Guilt by association works, and if that association can be with unnamed mythical characters who are widely regarded as evil, all the better.

Seeming to give advice to your adversaries is another subtle way to plant the idea in the public mind that you have the exalted status of teacher while your competitors are mere novices. People will forget the details of what you said but will remember the dynamics of the relationship, so move to the high ground as quickly as possible. Just be sure your advice isn’t very useful.

Right now it looks like I’m running unopposed, but the 9th district being what it is, an unanticipated write-in campaign can surface very, very quickly, just like the Loch Ness Monster. If you are already planning to vote for me in November, thanks for your support. And if you are undecided or opposed, I respect you, and I have an amazing timeshare deal in Phoenix you should definitely check out at a special all-day on-site sale-a-bration this November 2nd.

Sincerely,

The Right Honorable Loomis Beechly
Congressman
Minnesota’s 9th District

Are you the sort of person who gives advice?

The Wall Street Journal featured an article about goats and trademark law yesterday. The story described legal battles launched by the family-owned Al Johnson Restaurant in Sister Bay, Wisconsin. The restaurant has a sod roof and features roof-grazing goats in its advertising. Apparently people come from quite a distance to eat a meal there and marvel at the animals overhead.

Fourteen years ago, the restaurant trademarked its use of goats on the roof to attract customers. When another restaurant in Georgia also employed elevated ungulates, the Wisconsinites sued. The manager of the Georgia restaurant is quoted in the Wall Street Journal calling the lawsuit “ridiculous”, but a settlement was reached and now a fee is paid by the Georgia company for the use of the surprisingly successful Roofgoat marketing strategy.

For those in goat-based industries, this line lifted from the story is a chilling reminder of what is at stake.

Any business that sells food and uses goats to lure customers may be violating the trademark, says Lori Meddings, the restaurant’s lawyer. “The standard is, is there a likelihood of confusion?” she says.

I guess if you’ve seen one goat standing on a restaurant roof, you feel like you’ve seen them all. The lines that separate one goat boasting establishment from another may blur. Mass confusion reigns! How in the world can one remember the rules that govern how they are and are not supposed to exploit their goats?

Perhaps a rhyming law is required!

Goats are good and even great if you’ve a grassy roof.
To trim the gables, eagerly they’ll lift up haunch and hoof.
But if you run a business don’t use goats to sell the food,
For restaurants with Roofgoats are quite regularly sued.

The thought of Roofgoat legal suits inclines some folks to laughter,
But many, many people eat where goat treads over rafter.
Perhaps a legal remedy would just involve some switchin’.
Put all the cooks up on the roof and goats down in the kitchen.

What would you trademark, if you could?

The following very stern and threatening e-mail appeared overnight.

Mr. Connelly,

The Federal Office Overseeing Launch of Useful Superstitions (FOOLUS) received notification that your blog registered several “Superstition Promotion Attempts Made” (SPAM) citations yesterday, September 16.

It should not be necessary to remind you that under federal law, inventing, promoting or attempting to sustain a superstitious belief or idea among the general populace is a Felony, unless you have been granted a Certification Of Falsehood Fabrication and Instigation Note (COFFIN) from your local FOOLUS office.

There is no such COFFIN on file for your SPAM.

FOOLUS is the sole federal agency charged with designing and propagating superstitious beliefs that serve the public welfare. We are the authors of “Step on a Crack and Break Your Mother’s Back”. We approved it to reduce wear and tear on public sidewalks, thus saving taxpayer money. This superstition also promotes an attitude of love and concern for mothers, which is widely viewed as a societal good.

We also did a complete Environmental Impact Statement on “If you put shoes on a table, it will bring bad luck.” We examined the possibility of germ propagation that could come from table shoeing, and we measured the cost per annum in lost sole leather from spurious shoe movement. We finally approved this superstition for reasons of health, conservation, and on the theory that one of the signs of an advanced, healthy society is simply that there are no shoes sitting on the table.

Every superstition we endorse and promote serves a purpose, but these beliefs are never implemented until all the ramifications are considered. I hope you understand the importance of this procedure and the potential damage that could be done by a superstition that is launched without proper vetting.

Yesterday, users of your blog attempted to start the following superstition:

If you text and drive, you will become pregnant.

This belief has not undergone the type of thorough scrutiny that is necessary for introduction of such a serious superstition. While you may have thought the spread of this idea would reduce texting and driving, you failed to consider the many, many Americans who are eager to become pregnant, and who would immediately start behaving recklessly behind the wheel if your superstition became widely accepted.

FOOLUS is issuing a “cease and desist” order for your blog. If you do not disavow the statements made yesterday, there will be serious consequences, indeed.

Sincerely and seriously,

Preston Finebottom
Upper Midwest Regional Director
FOOLUS

Honestly, I do NOT believe texting and driving will make you pregnant, though it could cause other serious problems. I did not know the government reviewed superstitions and promoted those that are thought to serve a social good. That’s outrageous! I would object strenuously, but I am afraid I might be accused of trying to promote a falsehood.

But really, please don’t spread it around about texting and pregnancy. It’s just not true.

If it was your job to create Useful Superstitions, what would you write?

Dear Dr. Babooner,

My girlfriend loves her car and her phone and it seems like she’s always on the go. When she called me yesterday, I could hear the road noise and cars whizzing by. I said, “Are you driving?” And she said, “No problem. There’s not a lot of traffic and it’s a really straight part right here with no exits or complicated overpasses or anything. And anyway, it’s not the worst thing I could be doing.” I said “I can’t talk to you like this. Call me when you’ve stopped somewhere.” And then I hung up. Moments later I got this text: “Don’t you love me?” So I called her right back and said “Stop texting and driving! It’s worse than just talking on the phone!” And she said “See, I told you!”
Dr. Babooner, because of her driving, talking and texting compulsions, I hesitate to call. When my phone rings, I worry that I’ll put her life in danger just by picking up. But if I don’t, I’m afraid she’ll just be talking and texting with someone else! How can I safely communicate with her, and also communicate with her about safety?

Sincerely,

Wrong Number

I told Wrong Number that he’s right to be concerned about his girlfriend’s habits. In fact, there was a recent crackdown on texting drivers right here in the Twin Cities. I suggested he impose a more rudimentary strategy. I told him to tell his girlfriend he’d given up digital communications and would only send and respond to pen-and-ink messages. “She may resist at first”, I said, “but with luck you’ll win her over with your thoughtful and expressive writing, especially if you tell her how important it is to you that she stays safe. And perhaps in time she’ll come to treasure your letters as physical objects. Check her written responses carefully, however. If her letters have a faint imprint that says ‘Honda’ in the center, she’s still texting and driving.”

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

So far, China gets the award for this summer’s most remarkable transit idea. In fact, thousands have remarked on it already! It’s a bus on stilts, straddling two lanes of traffic. The idea is an inventive solution to the expensive problem of building a subway or an elevated train, though it may not be entirely practical.

As a driver I would have some reservations about going underneath a massive moving vehicle, even if it were plodding along as slowly as the bus in this video. Take a look. It’s not all so strange and alien. You can see that it passes over yellow and black croquet wickets, the passengers appear to be New Yorkers, and just like the Central Corridor Light Rail simulation, this bus glides on a cloud of cheesy, generic music.

As I understand the idea, China’s Straddle Bus runs on a fixed guide way, so its movements are predictable, but asking me to deal with this in traffic is like challenging me to play Mr. Spock in a game of 3-D chess. Honestly, I have enough trouble with Right Turn On Red. What will I do with a bus overhead?

Some have been quick to condemn this idea as ludicrous. Given the changes we have seen, technological, political and otherwise, I hesitate to reject any new idea immediately. I prefer to wait until it is an old idea, so my opinion may go unnoticed.
And based on what I saw of the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics, I’d rather not bet against Chinese people finding a way to get the job done. If the drive train on the Straddle Bus doesn’t work as planned, they can always have a phalanx of coordinated drummers carry the vehicle to its destination.

Have you ever mistakenly declared “that will never happen”?

There are still a few guest blogger slots open for early October, when I’m taking a blog holiday.

Anna, tim, Barbara and Steve have already agreed to step in as prime primate in our baboon woods. If you’ve ever thought you’d like to have a blog without the messy day-to-day chores, why not try your hand at launching a single discussion? To sign up, send an e-mail to me – connelly.dale@gmail.com. You get choose the topic. The house rules are simple. Don’t be mean. No swearing or nudity. I’ll help with editing and posting. Thanks to those who have already agreed to do a bit of digital house-sitting.

During that stretch I’ll spend some time in western Minnesota at the annual Sinclair Lewis Writer’s Conference in Sauk Centre. It’s the 20th anniversary for this get-together to honor this Minnesota writer and Nobel Prize winner in his home town. Organizer Jim Umhoefer has kindly asked me to host a fine concert on the evening of Friday, October 8th.

Red House Records performing artists John Gorka, Meg Hutchinson, John Hermanson and Mother Banjo will be there, alongside poets Robert Bly and Freya Manfred.

The show is bound to be a great musical event and a rich word feast, more than enough to get conference attendees primed for the next day’s workshops with writers Kevin Kling, Thomas R. Smith and Dave Simpkins. You don’t have to sign up for the conference to attend the concert, but if you like words and smart, funny people, you should consider it. At any rate, everyone is welcome at the Friday night show for the bargain admission price of $10.

Here are the details: Friday, October 8th, 7:30 pm
Sauk Centre High School Auditorium
903 State Road
Sauk Centre, MN

As the evening’s master of ceremonies, my job is fun and easy. I get to meet and greet and say a few words from the stage. The difficult work of organizing and performing is already taken care of by experts! My only worry has to do with finding an elegant way to introduce Robert Bly.

I don’t buy the notion that some people are so well known they “need no introduction”. Introductions are as much about showing respect as conveying information. Every human being is difficult to summarize, but some are nearly impossible. One shouldn’t say too much, but one can’t say enough.

The only type of introduction more awkward is a casual kind – you’re with a friend and you run into someone else you have already met and are supposed to know, but you can’t think of their name. This familiar stranger expects to be introduced to your companion, and vice-versa. You are, after all, the connecting personality, but you are flustered and brian-dead. If the other people in this triangle are good friends of yours, they already know this about you and will forgive your lapse. But why can’t you remember who your “good friends” are?

How do you get out of it without looking (and sounding) like a dope?