Tag Archives: advice

Baboons in the News

Left-leaning cynics might assume from the title of this post that I am writing today about the prospective presidency of Texas Senator Ted Cruz, but what is on my mind is a far more likely possibility – that one of us will some day inadvertently (and ironically) encounter a wild baboon while innocently walking down a trail.

As some of you know, the name of this blog is nothing more than a play on words, coined because my original choice for a title, “Trial Balloon,” was already spoken for.

I don’t actually know much about baboons, or their trail behavior. Frankly, I didn’t know that a trail was anyplace where one might encounter a baboon, but apparently it is not unusual to meet them on trails around Capetown, South Africa.

And I was surprised to learn from the above-linked article that baboons live in groups of about 50, which is approximately the number of people who regularly read this blog.

Coincidence? I think not.

Here are the two most fascinating baboon-encounter tidbits I’ve taken away from this document:

  • When encountering a baboon on a trail, don’t smile or show your teeth, as this could be interpreted as an act of aggression.
  • By all means remain calm, and stand up straight to display a strong and confident yet non-threatening behavior.

As a habitual smiling sloucher, I’m afraid I am ill-equipped to handle baboons properly during an accidental trail encounter – just another reason to keep all my baboon interactions virtual.

How should a person meeting you for the first time behave if they aim to keep you from becoming riled up?

Ask Dr. Babooner

Ann_Landers baboon 2

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Two years I wrote to you about some strange forebodings I had at work.

I was the CEO of a major company, riding high, full of power and ambition. I wanted to run the world and felt like I could do it!

But one of the little people at my firm, an employee named Sue Thayer, kept giving me cryptic warnings about the Ides of March.

“Beware the Ides of March,” she’d croak as I passed her in the hallway.

Her prominent bloodshot eyeballs creeped me out and I shrugged off the warnings. But as it turned out on March 15th that year I was called into a special meeting of the Board of Directors. All of my V.P’s were there – I thought they were going to give me some kind of honor. But one by one each member of my so-called “team” took a verbal swipe at me and I wound up being viciously and brutally sacked.

Afterwards everybody made a bunch of pretty speeches to the press about what happened – some supporting me and others saying I was a tyrant who deserved to be overthrown in whatever way necessary. It was very embarrassing and quite complicated. My demise captured the public’s imagination. It led to the creation of a cocktail that sounds so horrible, I’m sure drinking one would finish me off. Somebody’s even writing a play about it! Though some of it was sympathetic, that kind of attention creates a negative image, overall.

I’ve had trouble finding work ever since.

There’s plenty of help out there for people who operate at my level. I’ve taken to consulting with a seemingly endless string of employment coaches, resume fluffers, head hunters and job yentas with no tangible result except that I’ve spent a lot of money and received absolutely nothing in return except for meaningless advice and good wishes.

In desperation, I’m thinking of contacting Sue Thayer again. She seemed to be the only person who knew what was going to happen before I did and cared enough to warn me about it. If only I had listened to her! I’m wondering if Sue’s insights might help guide me through my next step.

One problem – her eyeballs still give me shudders, and she’s now the CEO of the company I used to lead. Should I contact her anyway, or keep my distance?

In Despair,
Dick Tator

I told Mr. Tator to stay away from this Sue Thayer and all Sue Thayers everywhere, no matter what. Someone who will give you a cryptic warning and not provide useful details cannot be your true friend. Since you were so full of yourself just before your calamity hit, she probably knew you would ignore her advice. Just like most self-important jerks, you went forward, confident that Sue Thayer was loony because you did not like her looks. She got deniability while others took the risk of deposing you. It does not surprise me that she eventually took your place at the head of the company. Instead, I suggest contacting the playwright who is dramatizing the story of your fall. Maybe you could use some of the funds you would otherwise spend on more job counseling to invest in his little pageant. After all – it’s about YOU. Maybe you could make a bit of money?.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

R.I.P. Dear Abby

I know I speak for all the Dr. Babooners in the house when I say we’re sad to hear that “Dear Abby” has passed away. It is truly remarkable that she and Ann Landers were twin sisters, and both in the mass advice business. It is a point of honor for Minnesota that she spent her final years here in the Twin Cities area.

This New York Times obituary also makes it clear that Pauline Phillips had a sharp wit, and was a clean, concise writer.

And of course John Prine sums it all up nicely.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?