Tag Archives: cannibalism

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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale – a tale of a fateful trip! It started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure, and everything that happened next is mostly conjecture.
We’re really not too sure!

The Skipper says a storm blew up. It swamped them more than once. They went off course and drifted for a year and several months. When I say “them” I really mean the Skipper, not the mate. The matey starved and perished on an unrecorded date.
He might have dressed a plate!

I say that ’cause the Skipper recently has come ashore. He says he lived on turtle’s blood. I think he needed more! He’s hairy and he’s tired but I’m really not impressed. If he has drifted sixteen months he’d look much more distressed.
A whole lot more distressed!

The media is hungry for some truth about this trip. It’s hard to say what happened and I don’t want to be flip. But if this is a hoax the Skipper’s name will soon be mud. And if the story’s true I’ll drink a pint of turtle’s blood.
I doubt it will taste good!

Dr. Babooner, is it wrong to make a bet with on the true outcome of a tragi-miracle like this?

Sincerely,
Mary Ann

I told Mary Ann it is in very poor taste to make light of a story like this one because a life was lost in the process and innocent newscasters everywhere may have been duped. But I wager that even the terribly poor taste of placing a bet on the true outcome of this story would not leave a flavor in your mouth that’s any worse than a pint of turtle’s blood. Yuk!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

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Settler’s Remorse

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Yesterday was the anniversary of the establishment in 1607 of the Jamestown settlement on a swampy, isolated, mosquito infested site in a place now known as Virgina.

That means today is the 406th anniversary of the Jamestown colonists’ “what now?” moment, in which a feeling of reality-based dread that eventually settles over many jubilant proceedings – a reaction also known as buyer’s remorse.

Jamestown

Not that they had actually purchased anything. The native people who were already in the area apparently weren’t using the Jamestown site because they recognized it wasn’t good for agriculture. But the natives could be wheedled and cajoled into handing over supplies. Things changed when the needy visitors proved unable to care for themselves and became even more demanding of support in this harsh new environment.

That’s not a way to win friends and influence people.

In the ensuing years, most of the colonists died from sickness and starvation. Their replacements resorted to cannibalism, documented in firsthand accounts from long ago and recently confirmed by archeologists who dug up the skeleton of a 14 year old girl. She had apparently died, been buried, exhumed, and finally had her brains scooped out for sustenance.

Ugh.

Never underestimate the power of hunger to make you do bad things.

It is easy at this distance to look down on the unprepared-for-survival people of Jamestown, and to tut-tut over the failure of their leaders. But with only a moment’s reflection I realized that I am in no way qualified to provide useful guidance in several key areas:

  • The growing and harvesting of food.
  • The killing and butchering of wild animals.
  • The construction of buildings that could withstand more than a light breeze.

Were they clueless and lazy? I suppose. But given the chance to provide survival tips, I could only show the people of Jamestown a couple of things.

  • How to surf the Internet.
  • How to sit in front of the TV.
  • (Internet and TV not included).

Not only are these totally useless skills, they do absolutely nothing to support healthy brain development. Which means I wouldn’t even come in handy at suppertime.

Dropped into the wilderness, how would you survive?