Dear Dr. Babooner,

OK, so I’m a flight attendant. Every time I go on a trip, it’s the same. From the moment we board we run from one task to another until the moment we step off. We hurry because everyone is on a schedule and the plane has to leave the gate on time or it will create anxiety all down the line. Anyone can see we’re working like mad to stay just ahead of a total breakdown. No wonder some flight attendants freak out.

I never saw the romance in flying. In fact, when I was a kid I wanted to be a TV anchor. To deliver the nightly news in some mid-sized market was my dream. I didn’t want to work in a big city – that’s too much pressure. Small-time local celebrity would be just right – to be the person who is called on to cut the ribbon at the opening of the new Costco but is still able to have a quiet dinner at The Olive Garden brings the happiest kind of fame there is. In my opinion.

When I was just out of college I actually tried to do it and got pretty far, winding up on the production crew at a station where I soon discovered that the owners were clueless dolts, the anchors were alcoholic morons and the news director was a blithering idiot. Being stuck there forever would be worse than a lifetime sentence of working in a tiny, pressurized restaurant full of angry people. Or so I thought. So I took to the skies!

That’s why I liked doing the cabin announcement – at first. But I quickly noticed that nobody was paying attention. Nobody! The news that “in the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you” and “to start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you” is vital information. Look up from your iPad, dammit! I told you to turn that stupid thing off!

I realized that the people on TV are lucky. They can’t see how the audience is ignoring them. I felt diminished every time I grabbed the intercom and took out my demonstration seat belt. I don’t care what they say about water boarding. The ultimate torture for a human being is to be visibly and pointedly ignored.

I soon found out there are three things that can get the bastards to look up. The phrases “mechanical problems”, and “returning to the gate” always draw a quick response. And the single, resonant word, “crash” hits like a thunderbolt. Every time. Saying any one of these things instantly turned me into a rock star. Saying all three in a single minute got me put in restraints.

Dr. Babooner, is it true that all attention is good?

Sincerely,
Look At ME!

I told LAME that it is definitely not true that all attention is good. In fact, aside from being close to several family members and a couple of good friends, it can be argued that receiving NO attention is preferable. And being totally ignored might be the ideal situation for a human being, as long as food and comfort are available.

But the people who achieve this blissful state will never be able to tell us about it, because by definition, we have no idea who they are.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?